My World Turned Upside Down: Khoen's Story

My world has been forever changed.

I've been sitting here alone for a while, just thinking, and remembering my precious little boy. I thought maybe writing a little about him may help me get my feelings out a little better.

On February 3, 2012, I was hospitalized due to going into premature labor at just 32 weeks pregnant with my sweet twin boys. I spent 3 nights there, hooked up to IV's and on medicines that made me feel so icky. And on Monday, February 6, they allowed me to go home.

I was still having contractions, but they were few and far between. Of course I was to be on complete bedrest, but we thought we would make it a few more weeks, for the babies sake.

That night, things went as they normally would.....we had dinner as a family with the girls, put them into bed, and I laid watching a movie with my husband/best friend. My shoulder started to hurt severely, to where I couldn't even fall asleep. But I took some tylenol, took a bath, and tried to just ignore it.

I finally fell asleep around 6am. Dustin let me sleep until I woke up, which was about 2 that Tuesday afternoon. Then it began.....

I awoke feeling VERY sick on my stomach, so I went straight to the bathroom, thinking a bath would possibly help. It usually did. Dustin started the tub, and I called my sister just to talk.

As I stepped into the tub, I had a stabbing pain in my lower stomach, and a gush of water.....my water broke. I panicked, but before I could fully even focus, the contractions began.....

It was a few minutes after 3:30, and my mother was leaving school to drive us to CMC to deliver the babies. By now, my contractions were about a minute apart, lasting around a minute to a minute and a half each, and I was in extreme pain. I couldn't walk, or talk. And we thought about calling 911.

My mom pulled in at a quarter to 4, and we headed straight to the hospital, with my sister either leading in front of us, or following behind....I was in so much pain that I honestly can't remember. I just knew I was glad she was coming with us.

The whole ride, I would scream through contractions. The pain was excruciating, and they were coming every 30 seconds and lasting what felt like an eternity. I thought the boys were going to come out in he car, because the need to push was overwhelming.

When we pulled up at the emergency room 30 minutes later, they took me straight on a stretcher up to the 8th floor, labor and delivery. And yes, I screamed through the halls of the hospital, too. The doctor wanted to check my progress while in the elevator (surrounded by the other 30+ doctors and nurses that had come running), but I told him if I let him check, the babies were coming out. So he said to hold on til we got upstairs.

The minute we got into the observation area, he began to check me....and Mikah James McGinnis was born into his hands, completely butt-first breech, at 4:45 pm. He was 4lbs even, and doing well. So they focused on baby boy #2.

His heart rate was dropping, and a quick ultrasound determined the cord was wrapped around his neck twice. So they immediately told me I would undergo an emergency c-section. Although I was under anesthesia and didn't see him right away, the beautiful Khoen Lee McGinnis made his entrance to the world at 4:59pm, weighing in at 4 pounds 6 ounces.

I had to recover for a full 24 hours before I could visit the NICN and see my boys. Although Khoen is a twin, and I love Mikah equally as much, I want to focus this story on Khoen, I guess kind of as a tribute to him.

The first day of his life, little Khoen had to have a little extra help breathing, but only with added oxygen. He was never on a ventilator, and was such a strong little guy. As all preemies, he lost some weight at first, but began to slowly, steadily gain it back.

He was healthy; breathing on his own, holding down his feedings (although he couldn't bottle feed yet, only had a feeding tube), and just growing and amazing us each day.

When he was moved into the PICN and into a bassinet rather than an incubator, we were able to interact with him more. We got to try bottles with him, and he eventually caught on. It was like one day, he couldn't and wouldn't latch on....and the next day, he was a perfect little eater. And a hungry guy, too! He always had a bigger appetite than his big bro.

Kho was the second to come home. The night before he was released, I was able to room in with him, and focus only on that sweet little boy. And he was PERFECT for me! He ate and slept, and even let mommy sleep some, too. It was such an incredible night, and a beloved memory to me.

Once he was home, our family felt complete. We were so excited to have our 4 kids, and our perfect family, with 2 girls and 2 boys. And the twins were an amazing blessing, and an example of God's incredible love.

Each day, Khoen grew and thrived. He was on a heart/apnea monitor, because he would still occasionally forget to breathe, and have a bradycardia, where his heart rate dropped too low. It was scary at first, but in time, we had less and less alarms from his monitor.

In the last 2 weeks, the monitor started to give him open sores on his little side, and make him bleed. And he wasn't having alarms. So his pediatrician had said we could leave him off of it if he was awake, or if he was in the room with us while he was sleeping.

Along the way, Khoen had some bumps in the road. He seemed to constantly have a diaper rash, and we tried everything from prescription creams, special baths, and sensitive diapers to help him feel better. And we managed to keep them under control.

He also had an episode where he ran a fever and wouldn't wake up for a little over 24 hours, and I stayed by his side at Hemby Children's Hospital the whole time. He underwent spinal taps, blood cultures, urine cultures, IVs, medicines.....he was poked so many times, and we went home with a happy Khoen, and a diagnosis of we-arent-really-sure-maybe-a-virus. We weren't so pleased.

And soon after, his soft spot began to bulge, then sink in. We took him to his doctor, and had an untrasound done of his little brain. One doctor told us yes, he had fluid on his brain. Another told us he was fine, there was nothing concerning. But all doctors agreed there was nothing further to be done at the time, we would just watch as he grew, and he should grow out of it. So we relaxed and enjoyed Khoen.

He was the first to start smiling, and I swear to you his smile could make the worst days seem so much better. What I wouldn't give to see that smile right now...

He also laughed for the first time on May 31, just 3 days ago. And it was at me playing patty cake with him, then barely tickling him. He was loving it. And trust me, IT MADE MY DAY.

I was constantly taking pictures of Khoen, which I am so thankful for now. And even have a few little videos of him "talking" to me. He had the sweetest coo.

Khoen was by far our easiest baby....he was happy, but spoiled. He was the only child I have who enjoyed cuddling, so he had the name of "mommys cuddlebug". He was a momma's boy, and had his spells where only I was the key to calming him down. He could cry, and cry, and as soon as I held him, he was all smiles. Big, sweet, toothless Khoen smiles.

I'm not sure of Khoens exact weight, and I'm praying I can find out. At his last doctors appointment on May 15, he was 11 lbs 15 oz. I'm almost positive he was over 14 lbs. He was such a great eater, and growing so quickly. He was finally getting some little chubby rolls.

I loved running errands with just Khoen....he would smile up at me from his carseat in the buggy every time I would look at him. He was perfect.

On Friday, June 1, my friend Victoria and I took my girls and her son to the beach for a night. Dustin and I knew it would be impossible to make a family trip this summer, the boys were just too little. And Kenna had been begging to go to the beach. Plus, Michael (Victorias son, and kennas friend) had never been. And I knew Kaisyn would love it, and just wanted to see her reaction to the ocean and the sand.

It was so hard for me to leave Mikah, Khoen, and Dustin. But it was just from Friday morning until around 3 Saturday, which was when we planned to be home. And I knew that the twins were in good hands, Dustin is an amazing daddy. He really is.

So Friday morning, I kissed each of the boys goodbye, and told them each to behave for their daddy. They were both still asleep, and looked so sweet and peaceful. Had I known it would be the last time I would see sweet Khoen alive, I would have picked him up and squeezed him and loved on him and kissed him and made him smile, and canceled the trip just to spend time with him.

But he was perfectly fine, and healthy. He wasn't sick. He was the normal, sweet, absolutely adorable, chubby cheeked Khoen.

We had a great day in Charleston Friday, and the kids loved the beach! Kaisyn would have crawled off into the ocean if I'd let her, and although Kenna wasn't an ocean fan, she adored playing in the sand. They were on top of the world.

I spoke with Dustin multiple times, and he and the twins were doing great at home. They had some male bonding time.

I woke up around 8 Saturday morning by Kenna asking if it was time for breakfast. I texted Dustin, but he didn't respond. I didn't think much of it....maybe they were all still sleeping.

About 8:30, my mom called. I answered, and my world flipped upside down.

"Khoen is in the hospital...he wasn't breathing well."

This was the first thing I heard.

Of course, I panicked. I woke Victoria and the other kids up so quickly, and said we had to head home, NOW. I still had hope he was alive, and the doctors would fix him, and he would be home soon after.

Then, I called Dustin. He didn't answer. I called my dad, who was with Dustin.

My dad was crying. And he doesn't cry. I was petrified.

I immediately asked him if Khoen was ok, and his response was just....

"no."

My heart stopped, and I felt like all the breathe had been knocked out of me as I hit my knees. I asked him if Khoen was alive, and he had to tell me the hardest thing that I have ever had to hear.

My sweet, perfect, adorable little Khoen, was gone.

I felt so sick to my stomach, and I could do nothing but scream. I screamed and cried, and punched the hotel bed, while Victoria so graciously packed all our things and loaded the car.

The ride home was the longest, most painful ride of my life. Yes, more painful than when I was in labor.

Since I've been home, my world doesn't seem right. I haven't gotten to see Khoen, and I am a bag of mixed emotions. It's so much harder than people may realize to look at Mikah, and feel like his other half, the 2nd part of his little world, is gone.

How do I go from making 2 bottles per feeding to just 1? How do I choose only one outfit for one little boy? I don't know how to do it. I want my second little son back. I want normal back.

I WANT KHOEN BACK.

Kenna keeps telling us Khoen is crying in heaven, and wants to come home. I've tried explaining that he is happy, and pain free, and with God now, but she wants him back, too. How do you tell your 3 year old that one of her baby brothers is really gone? He's really not coming back. That hurts so deeply.

Even though I can stand outside in the sunlight, blue sky overhead full of puffy clouds, and grass, trees, and life all around me, my whole world looks gray, dull, and lifeless. It's hard to eat, its hard to breathe, and every time I feel ok for a second, reality hits all over again.

I'm constantly sick, and my heart feels broken. I am blessed to have still have my other children to care for and love on, and I will still be the best mommy I can be for them, and the mommy they deserve. And I am here for my husband who unfortunately had to find sweet Khoen.

Dustin said he laid them down at 10:30 like usual, and checked on them at 2 am, just like we do every night now that they sleep 8 hours.

At 6, he woke up, and went straight to make bottles. As he rounded the corner to re-enter the room, he could see Khoens face. He was completely pale, and blue all around his lips. He looked awful.

Dustin ran to him and tried to wake him, and immediately called 911. They shocked him, and tried a ventilator, and did all they could, but my sweet Kho man was gone.

Dustin was aloud to hold him one last time in the hospital, and my dad got to spend a few minutes alone with him as well.

I'm so thankful for so many prayers right now. This is more than hard. And this doesn't just hurt. I feel so broken. I'm lost. And I honestly just want my baby back.

Khoen Lee McGinnis,
You were mommys little cuddlebug, and you were more than perfect. You were so sweet and adorable, and I was looking so forward to watching as you grew. We always thought you would be a soccer or football player, and would totally be a pretty-boy....you were the most handsome little man. You're smile melted my heart, and your voice was the best noise I've ever heard. I will never understand why God took you from me so soon, but he must have so many bigger plans for you. You were the definition of "too perfect for this earth." I will remember you every day, and be sure Mikah knows all about his twin brother. I miss you more than I imagined I could ever miss anything, and a part of my heart went with you when you descended into heaven. Grandmom and Grandad will take care of you until I get there, sweet boy. Mommy loves you so, so much, more than my words can ever say. I selfishly want you here with me, but I know youre happy. And I have an amazing angel, the best there is.

I love you Khoen. I really do.

All that I have now is the 2 outfits he wore that weren't washed before he passed away, his wubbanub monkey passy, and the blanket he was snuggled in when he passed; they all smell like my little boy, and I will hold onto them forever.

I have to go to the funeral home tomorrow, and plan my sons services, where he will be buried, and what I would like him to wear. How do I pick out an outfit to bury my son in? That is so painful.

All I can do us cry and scream his name, and beg for him to come back to me. I know God will get me through this, but this is the toughest one yet.

Please pray for me, my husband, our kids, and our families.

And I will always have 4 kids, not just 3.

Khoen Lee, I love you, and you will forever be mommys baby. Even if you have to be my angel baby now.

I miss you.