His Grace is Sufficient

On Monday morning, I tried to take a step in the right direction. I went to speak to a counselor that both my sister and mother have been to talk to before. I still want to go to some kind of group therapy, but I thought that maybe she could help me learn how to deal with my anger since the loss of Khoen. Because that is my biggest issue; I am so angry that he is not here with me, and that hurts me the most.

Anyways, she was able to help me some, and I thought maybe I could share what she spoke with me about. I thought maybe it could help someone else who is going through this, or dealing with really anything stressful in life. Although, this is more about grief and pain.

After I shared my story about Khoen with her, and went through about 10 tissues from crying, it was time for me to listen. And she started talking to me about how much my attitude towards this whole event can directly impact how the rest of my life plays out.

Let me say this....my attitude is kind of a sensitive subject to me right now. There are times when I am in a bad mood, simply from missing my son, and being frustrated, and angry, and just ready to attack anyone who tries to tell me I have a bad attitude. How am I supposed to have a good attitude when my SON is GONE? How am I supposed to be happy and positive and look at things with a smile when I am in this much pain? When all I want to do is cry? Are you crazy, lady?

Thats when she told me to think about a stop sign. May sound silly, but just hear me out. She explained that I have to stop myself. I can't keep thinking about how sad and hurt I am, and keep focusing all of my energy on just missing Khoen. Yes, I still have to grieve his loss. And that means that of course I am still going to have bad moods, bad days, and lots of tears. But I can't let it overtake my whole day.

"People are disturbed not by things, but by the views they take of them."
-Epictetus.

"The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven."
-Milton.

"We have met the enemy, and he is us."
-Pogo.

It took me a few times reading each of these quotes to really understand what they actually meant. And now, I can see what she means....if I keep focusing on how miserable I am without Khoen here, I am not going to be able to enjoy the rest of my life, and the lives of Makenna, Kaisyn, and Mikah. And Khoen wouldn't want that. I don't want that. I want to learn to be happy. I just know that my truest happiness will not come again until I am reunited with Kho in Heaven. But that doesn't mean that I am doomed to be miserable the rest of my days on Earth.

So I have to give up all the "must" statements in my life. I have to quit with the could of, should of, would ofs. I am constantly saying to myself, "I should have been there. I could have saved him. I would of held him all night, and made sure he was ok."

....Stop, Meredith. Take a deep breathe, and just STOP.

Stop focusing on the things that I CAN'T change. I wasn't there. And had I been there, I more than likely would have done nothing differently. You don't put your children to bed at night with the fear that they aren't going to wake up the next morning. No one does. No one believes it can happen to their child. I didn't believe it could happen to my child.

But it did. And focusing on that fact is only causing me to have irrational fears about Makenna, Kaisyn, and especially, Mikah. Its causing me to be angry and depressed, and feel like I just want to run away. But run away from what?

"God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardship as the pathway to peace; taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is; not as I would have it; trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will; so that I may be reasonable happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next. AMEN."
-Reinhold Niebuhr.

There is no truer prayer from my heart than that. I can't change the fact that Khoen is no longer in my arms, but I can change the way I look at it. I can honor him by caring for his sisters and brother, and loving them just as I would have him as well. Just as I DO love him as well. I know which things I can't change, and I have to start focusing on things that I can. Slowly, but surely.

I do have to take things one day at a time, and enjoy one moment at a time. Any more than that is overwhelming to me right now. I can't look at next year and say, "Ugh, its not going to be any easier by then. I can't get there. I CAN'T DO THIS."

....Stop Meredith, take a deep breathe.

I have to accept that this is the path that Jesus chose for me. He chose to show my just how strong I am, maybe so that I can help others through their pain as well. Not yet....I am not at the point where I could really be helpful yet, unless you are walking right here with me. And the mothers who have lost and feel my pain, you are right here with me. And I will help as much as I can, just as you have all helped me.

This world is not perfect, and is full of pain. It always will be. But Heaven is perfect. And someday, I will be there, walking with Jesus, walking with Khoen. I can't wait until that day. Until then, I surrender myself fully to His will. That is the only way I know I will someday have true happiness again.

Psalm 139:16
"Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

....All the days ordained for Khoen, were written in His book before one of them came to be.

.....That is a hard reality to us here on Earth, but a perfect plan in God's eyes. To Him, Khoen lived exactly as he should have. He did exactly what he should. He brought us SUCH immense happiness while he was here. He brightened EVERY day with his huge smile, his bright eyes, his precious coo. And, when his days were over, as short as they seem to me, to my family, to everyone, he was rewarded with his acceptance into Heaven; with his eternal body, and eternal happiness; with his seat at the feet of Jesus. How perfect and amazing is that?

2 Corinthians 12:9
"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."

Your grace is sufficient for me, Lord. Help me to realize that as I continue on this journey.

The last thing I spoke with the counselor about is the one that is honestly the hardest thing for me, and it is something I will have to learn to deal with over time. It is the prayer request I have for everyone who wants to know how they can pray for me right now.

Pray for me to learn to love Mikah without hurting so deeply for Khoen.

You may not really understand what I mean, but I'll try to explain. I was overwhelming myself by thinking now about each of Mikah's birthdays; his graduations; his first steps; his first sports; his first EVERYTHING; and how painful it was going to be for me to watch each of these things with a smile, and not just cry, cry, cry over Khoen not being beside him. He is a TWIN.

But, I don't want Mikah to think I love him less than I did Khoen, because that isn't valid. I love all of my children equally. I hurt for Khoen right now, so I cry for him...just as I would any of my children who weren't here with me.

I don't want to spend each of Mikah's important life moments crying. I want to learn how to honor both Mikah AND Khoen on those days, and that's what I struggle with now. Today, I'm not there. Tomorrow, I won't be there. On Mikah and Khoen's first birthday, I can tell you I highly doubt I will be there. But, I will be trying, and praying relentlessly for His widsom in how to achieve that.

And I know, through His perfect will, I will get there. I just need time. For His grace is sufficient for me....I have to keep remembering that.

And today, I'm praying hard for my friends who have lost their little ones to remember that as well. It's hard, and I'm not perfect. I have spent more time crying than smiling even AFTER the counseling appointment. But through time, together, we will learn how to go on, and feel at peace. Because Hannah, and Ashley, his grace is sufficient for ALL of us. And He is walking us through.

And Khoen, Raidyn, and Chloe are leading our way. <3 I love you all, I really do.