Angelversaries...

Well, to say the least, its been a rough night. I guess, really, its been building for the past 2 days. But tonight, I just felt fully overwhelmed by my emotions, and couldn't hold myself up any longer.

It started on Monday, when I was doing my normal, everyday mommy things, and was going to wash a load of laundry. While we stayed with my mom, she was generous enough to do it for me, so it was the first time since we were back at home that I attempted washing Mikahs clothes. I had already washed towels and mine and Dustins clothes, but not Mikahs.

I set the washer, put in the dreft, and started emptying his hamper into the washer. Then, I proceeded to spend 15 minutes looking this house up and down for more clothes. I kept telling Dustin there was just no way that was all he had dirty! He always has a full load, almost overflowing......not a medium sized load! Then it hit me........ This was Mikahs laundry. Not Mikah and Khoens, just Mikahs.

Ouch.

I immediately started to cry. With the twins, it was like I could never keep enough clothes, bibs, and blankets spit-up free and clean.....with Mikah, its like he can't dirty all the stuff we have quick enough! But, that's because he is using clothes, bins, and blankets that were, just a month ago, used for two babies.

Even our dryer, which is pretty much a dinosaur and takes about 3-4 cycles just to dry one full load, dried his clothes in just 1.5 cycles. That was another energy saving yet very painful reminder.

It's little things like that that seem to get to me the most. Then, last night as I was doing dishes, I, without giving it a second thought, left a place for two sets of bottles on the top rack. I've done dishes plently since last month, but just wasn't thinking that time.

So, with tears streaming down my face again, I loaded just Mikahs bottles. And, again, felt like someone had stabbed me for the millionth time straight through the heart.

It's funny to me sometimes how my mind works so much off routine and memory. I know when its time to get Mikah dressed for the day that I only need one diaper and one outfit. Yet I find myself with two diapers in hand, looking at the cute little matching outfits and trying to decide the best fit for the day.

I know in time it will get easier, but now it just seems to be getting harder by the day.

A sweet friend of mine who I unfortunately haven't seen since high school, and also a mother of precious twin girls, sent me the sweetest gift so unexpectedly. She gave me a necklace with my sweet Khoens name on it, two little footprints, and a small pearl. It's gorgeous, and hasn't left my neck since I opened it except to sleep.

And when those hard moments happen now, I find myself rubbing that necklace, rubbing my little Khoens name, when I miss him most. And somehow, it actually seems to help. It's a small reminder that he's here.

He will always be right here with me, even if only in my heart.

This Saturday seems to be approaching at a speed that I am not a fan of. Tomorrow will be the 4 week anniversary of the last full day I spent with my precious son. Friday will be the 4 week mark of me kissing him for the last time. And Saturday will be 4 weeks since he took his last earthly breath. It's strange how even these short anniversarys, or his "angelversaries", can be so painful.

It's going to be a hard week and weekend for our family. And also our financial stresses are in high gear, considering Dustins job has given him ZERO hours since Khoen passed (he seriously needs a new one, its getting ridiculous....), and funeral expenses are all due in July. But, we just keep praying, and we know we will be able to work things out.

We set a goal as a family to have Khoens footstone by his first birthday. It seems so far away, but its going to take a lot of saving. They definitely are not cheap, and we are by no means well off. But we make due.

I'm hoping my crafty side can eventually come up with something to make in his honor and sell to help us raise money. We'll see. Either way, I know God will eventually help us work something out. I just can't let myself get overwhelmed by finances right now, since life itself is a bit too much at the moment.

On a lighter note, we are getting closer to raising enough money for Khoens bear! Makenna is so excited.....she can wait to hold it. We have 3 more days to get the rest of the money, so we are just praying for a blessing!

Kaisyn has officially learned to run, and she is just about as clumsy as her big sister! Both my girls seem to be constantly covered in bruises from falling....but are so independent and tough, it never slows them down! And it makes me happy to know they are that way. Strong, independent, beautiful, sweet little girls......who are also stubborn and as strong willed as they come. ;)

It's also amazing to me how much God really will show you He's there if you will just listen. I don't know what I would do without my Faith. Well, I do know.....I would be on the crazy floor of the hospital right now!

But I can feel God working in my life more than ever, even through all my pain. And as much as I'm hurting for my baby, I am excited to see where this path God has chosen for me will take me, while on my journey to see Him and Khoen in Heaven.