One Month Without My Twins...

Well, its officially July 2. Which means, its officially one month since Khoen passed away. And today, well, still tonight technically.....my heart aches not just for my precious boy, but for my twins.

This grieving process has been a learning experience, and it has been tough. And sometimes I feel as though grieving for Khoen and grieving for my twins are two separate pains altogether. They hurt in different ways. But, they both tear my heart into pieces.

I finished up the girls and Mikahs outfits I was making for the 4th of July this evening. And, it ended in a crying fit. One of the screaming-for-Khoen-shaking-cant-breathe-cant-stop type of crying fits. I feel sure any mother who has lost a child can relate.

I just couldn't bear to imagine that I will have to face the 4th without him. I want him there so much. I have no idea how I will get through bigger holidays in the future... I did, however, make Khoen a hat that matches Mikahs, just as I was going to do before he passed away. I was originally going to make his onesie, too....but it hurt too much. It would hurt to make it, and then to realize all over again he couldn't wear it. So I settled for the hat.

I will place it on his grave for the 4th, and pick it up the following day. I want him to have it, just like Mikah. But, I also want to keep it forever, as I will Mikahs.

On the back of the girls and Mikahs shirts, there is a message to Khoen. It says 'miss & love you, brother, twin.' Some may not understand why. But I had to send him the message. We do miss him and love him, so much. And he is a brother. And he is a twin.

Why does that hurt so much more tonight than usual? I just want them both on my chest. One more time, before they no longer both fit. Mikah is getting so big. I can't imagine how much Khoens little chubby booty would weigh by now. He had even finally started to have a little fat roll on each thigh. Adorable, perfect.....my heart hurts.

My head doesn't even seem to be forming correct sentences, so excuse any lack of correct grammar or spelling, please. Sometimes, its hard to see through tears....especially to type on a phone.

One of my favorite things about having twins (besides the adorable pictures in matching outfits, of course) was watching the boys lay together, both on one playmate, and "play" as I called it. They weren't old enough or big enough to do much. But they would wiggle and squirm, and when they got to where they were touching, they would lay, content and happy. They would smile.

They loved each other. If they were fussy, the easiest way to calm them both at once was to lay them together. They would almost instantly just turn their faces into each other, nestle close, and fall asleep. How perfect?

This morning, at church, Mikah began to get a little fussy during the service. My sweet aunt went to calm him, while Dustin and I listened to the rest of the sermon, and enjoyed a song of praise and a powerful prayer. As we were walking out, I could see my aunt with Mikah, talking to a precious family, and I burst into tears. In the middle of a crowd. I went to find my cousin, and she just held me, as I cried, and was shaking, and trying to regain my composure.

The family has two adorable twin girls, about a year old. They are beautiful, and it broke my heart again. Like I've said before, I'm overjoyed for families who have twins. I just miss mine.

The twin girls sweet mother didn't know about Kho passing away yet, and cried when my aunt shared the news. I wasn't able to approach my aunt until they had left. I don't like seeming rude, because I'm not trying to be. I want to be able to go and talk to them, get hugged and comforted by fellow twin mommies....but, sometimes I'm stronger than other times. And sometimes, I am just scared to approach in fear that my tears will cause them guilt, which I don't want to do.

But, I can't hold those tears back right now. I try, but I can't. They come through with a force more powerful than I've learned to control.

At that moment, I wanted so badly for Dustin to step up beside me holding Khoen, and me to realize this wasn't true. Ugh, what a nightmare....thank God its over! ........

But, that isn't going to happen. Khoen won't come back to me. But someday, not too far away, I will go to him.

I can see Mikah sleeping in his crib while I write. And it makes me feel happy, and sad, and proud, and crushed. I'm happy to have him. He is amazing, and I love him and his precious little personality to the moon and back, twice. But, I'm sad that he's sleeping alone. That we don't have another teensie little roommate.

And I'm proud of how big and strong Mikah is becoming, and how smart he is proving to be. But, I'm crushed that I will never see him interact with his brother again, and can't watch to see how they would play as they grew. Together. Like twins are supposed to. I really want my twins.

Mommy is trying so hard to be strong, Khoen. I really am. But it gets tough, sweet boy. I smile through so much of the pain, then the tears just come. I just can't wait to hold you again. I want to kiss those chubby cheeks, and see that little birthmark....and just sing 'Blessings' to you as you fall asleep, because you always seemed to love that one. I found another bib you had worn the day before I left for Charleston...I can't wash it. Mommy can't get rid of that sweet smell. Sometimes I feel like I have so little of you left here with me. And I ache for more. So I sleep with that bib on my bedside table now. Makenna says you are playing lots of games up in Heaven. She tells me about your girlfriend Chloe, and your best friend Raidyn. She tells me how you guys love all the colors of the rainbow, and how you love to play with Gentry. She tells me Grandmom and Grandad love playing with you, too. I wonder what you guys get to do.....it sure must be amazing. I can't wait until you can show me. Your buddy Raidyn is about to have his first birthday this month, and its hard on his sweet mommy. I love her, Kho. I know you sent her to me as a friend, and I'm so thankful baby. She is too awesome. But please, watch over her with Ray this month, as always. But she really needs some extra comfort right now. I'm trying to be here for her all I can. We are going to have so much fun at his party. I know you will be there, right beside Raidyn. Both smiling so big. Both so happy. And you guys will make sure Chloe comes too, I know it. What a heavenly birthday party its going to be. :) You're amazing Khoen. And the One who is holding you is amazing. My faith is in Him fully, and I promise to lead your sisters and twin brother to Him as much as I can. We will be together again soon, sweet boy. Our whole family. Stay with me through this, Khoen. I need you here. I love you, sweet boy.....I know you've had an amazing first month in Heaven. Mommy misses you, little man. My Khoen, My Angel.