Dear Khoen...

Sometimes it helps me to write to Khoen, and I usually do it in my journal. But tonight, I feel like writing on here, so that's what I'm going to do. Talking to Khoen through letters makes me feel closer to him, and makes me look more sane than talking out loud while I'm out in public, and looking like a crazy schizophrenic lady. And even though I know Khoen is in Heaven and can see the things that happen here (or I believe he can), sometimes I just want to tell him about it. I want him here so badly, and I want to share this life with him more than anything. So, until I join him in my eternal home, letters will have to do. Dear Khoen, Mommy is missing you SO much right now! And, although we seem to be moving forward somehow, life here without you still just doesn't seem right, or complete. But, there are amazing things happening here, Khoen, and some of them I just know are because of you. <3 There are so many people who love you, Kho....people who never had the earthly opportunity to meet you. But you are changing people, Khoen....and turning their faces to the One who holds you in His arms. We've had some really rough days since you've been gone, and shed a lot of tears. But, we've also smiled for you, and we are slowly learning to smile for you a little more each day. Through all of this, I have to remember how lucky you are. You already know God, and that's the best gift anyone could ever give you. A very good friend of mine, who has a little angel just like you (her name is Chloe, and I know you know her! Makenna says she is your girlfriend ;) ), lent me a book to read, called I Will Carry You. That book helped mommy so much, Khoey, so so much. It made me realize that all this pain that I feel is normal, and reminded me countless times that I WILL see you again. I can't wait...mommy is going to scoop you up, and hug you so tight, and cover you in the kisses that I'm missing so much right now...all while soaking in the beauty of your precious smile. I'm crying just thinking of how amazing that will be. Mommy has been wearing her 2 necklaces that have been given to me by such sweet friends, everyday. I switch off between the two. One says "My Khoen, My Angel", and has your birthstone, an angel wing, and a butterfly on it. It's so pretty. And the other says your name, has a little pearl, and has a set of tint little footprints on it. Tiny just like yours, baby. Mommy has cried for you a lot lately. Sometimes the thought of never seeing you, smelling your sweet fragrance, hearing you cop, or learn to talk, makes mommy feel sad. Mommy wanted to show you so many fun things, Kho....how to walk, and throw and catch, and eat popsicles with you while letting you make a huge mess, and how to swim. I wanted to show you the ocean, and build sand castles with you, and I wanted to take pictures of every single moment. But I know you've seen far more than I could have ever shown you, and you have the best Teacher of all. So you'll have to show me everything when I get to Heaven, big boy. And we won't need pictures, because we can live in those moments forever. So now, when mommy gets really really sad, I hug my Khoen Bear. It's so neat, Kho. You would just LOVE it. It will never be the same as hugging you, ever. But, its still very special to me, because it was made just for you. And its a heavy little bear, just like you were, my little chunky man. I'll never be able to thank the people who made that possible enough. You are such a special little guy, Khoen. So many people have helped us, Khoen. And I know you know who each of them are, and I know you have shown them the Lord. We pray every day that Daddy will find a job soon, and this huge financial burden will be lifted. But we just have to trust Him through it, and know we are in His hands, just like you are. Mommy decided to look up the meaning of your name the other day, because I never did before you were born. We just knew we loved Khoen, and that Khoen suited you. And it is so perfect for you....your name means "Priest", Khoen.....which is exactly what you are, my little angel. Mommy is still struggling with some things though, Khoey, and I'm having a really hard time right now. When mommy was at the hospital with you, during your big scare with your soft spot swelling, mommy made you a promise. I stayed with you all 4 nights, and rocked you, and cuddled you through the pokes and IVs and pain. And I promised you that I would never leave you, Khoen. That's the only promise mommy made you during your short life. And then I left. I went to Charleston. I know you were in amazing hands with daddy, and I only did it to remind your big sissies that they are special to me, too. But, I left you. And the one time I left you, you left me to go to Heaven. That's so hard, baby. And I'm so, so sorry for breaking my promise. I should have been there, Khoen. I try to tell myself over and over that I couldnt have changed what happened. I still believe Psalm 139:16, "All the days ordained for you were written in His book before one of them came to be." God knew how long I would have you here. I just wish I had known, so that I could have spent the last day of your life with you. I missed it, Kho. I missed the whole last day of your precious life. I missed smiles and laughs and cries, and now all I can do is cry. I'd give anything to have that day with you, but I can't. I know. I have to keep my head up. Mommy has to be strong for Makenna, and Kaisyn, and Mikah, and daddy, and for you, Khoen. It's very hard sometimes. I just miss you so much. Please forgive me for breaking my promise. I would never have done that to you. I'm so sorry, baby. Mommy was so excited to watch you and Mikah grow up together, and see the bond you two were going to have as twins. I wanted nothing more. So I have to ask you to please just stay close to Mikahs heart, as close as you can Khoen. Let him know you're there, and let him feel that bond. He needs you. Brother did so good today at his eye doctor appointment, khoey! I know you were with him. Mommy is a little nervous about tomorrow, because I have to take Mikah to the same place I took you for your head ultrasound. It just makes me miss you more, Kho. Hannah is going with me (you know her little angel, Raidyn, too....Makenna says he is your best friend!). I'm glad she will be there to support me. Hannah has twins in her tummy, just like mommy did when I carried you and brother. So you and Raidyn keep a close eye on them, and make sure things go ok. I know how exciting twins are, and how much it hurts when you don't have them on earth anymore, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone else in the world. Well, Kho, mommy has cried for the last 20 minutes while trying to finish writing to you. But, somehow, I'm smiling right now. I know that's you making me smile, you silly little boy. You always can make mommy smile. You are perfect, Khoen....too perfect for this earth. Kiss grandmom and grandad for me, and tell them how much I love and miss them. I can't wait to see you in heaven Khoen. And mommy will be there when God decides its my time to come home. Until then, keep helping mommy be strong, so I can be my best for your sissies and twin brother. I love you more than words can express. So much that it hurts. And I promise I will see you again, Khoen. Mommy misses you so much...be strong for me, too, little man. And yes, mommy is crying again. So I'm going to hug Khoen Bear, and remember your sweet face, and dream of you when o finally drift off to sleep. I love you, baby boy. See you soon. <3 Love always, Your Mommy.