116 Days.

116 days.

That seems like a long time.

It's only 64 days less than a school year, and we all know those seem to drag on forever.

But, when it marks the number of days from when you brought your baby into the world to the time you bury him in his grave, it seems like the blink of an eye.

Today was miserably hard for me. It was amazing to see so many of our family and friends there to show us their love and support. But I can't deny that my instinct was to scream out at the top of my lungs, rescue my sweet baby, and just run away...as far as I could go.

I had to keep reminding myself that Khoen is no longer the one who needs to be rescued. Khoen is, in a way, the lucky one. He is living in eternal happiness, and can feel no pain, and can sit all day at the feet of Jesus, and listen as He tells him how much Khoen is loved. I am the one who feels as if I need to be rescued. But, I trust in the goodness of God, and I'm trying to be strong through that.

I still feel SO angry. Not at anyone, not at God, just angry. And I struggle with new fears that I never had before.

I am terrified that if Mikah is out of my sight, he is going to disappear. I know its irrational...but in a way, that's what happened with Khoen.

I pray that Khoen does know how deeply I love him. It hurts how much I love him, and not even including the pain of losing him. Just the amount of love alone hurts, because its so much it makes my heart feel as though it could burst.

And now, the strength of my feeling of emptiness from missing him so immensely hurts just as much. I really miss that little boy. Khoen was perfect. He truly was. And boy, what an angel I have.

His service was beautiful, despite the rain. I'm so thankful for the words Dr. Ammons shared about my Khoen. And the funeral home really made his bulletins perfect. I was so happy they actually put Khoens little footprints behind the sweet poem that went in it.

(Thanks, Uncle Ronnie, for the poem. :) )

For those of you who couldn't attend, here's what it says:

"These are my tiny footprints,
So perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
Never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
For now I have my wings.
These tiny footprints,
Were meant for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints
In the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angels tears,
Of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints
In each butterflies lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
If you just give me the chance.
You will hear my tiny footprints
In the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
And call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints
Are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.
'Cause even though I'm gone now,
We'll never truly part."
-Unknown Author.

Amazing. And so perfect for Khoen.

And the song my sweet cousin sang, beautiful. Mercy Me-Homesick.

I went back and visited my sweet Khoen this evening, as the day was coming to an end. It was bittersweet. I don't like visiting Khoen there....I'd much rather have him here with me. But, I'm happy to have a place to sit with him, and talk to him, and tell him all about his sisters and brother.

Missing Khoen is never going to get better. So I'm going to do my best to enjoy my time on earth with my other babies, and look forward to seeing sweet Khoen again, and NEVER letting him go. I love you forever and always, Kho. Take care of that piece of my heart you have....it belongs only to you. I miss you deeply. Love you cuddlebug.

What I wouldn't give to cuddle with you right now.....