Twins

I can still remember sitting at Crisis Pregnancy Center waiting for my ultrasound.

Dustin had lost his job about a month before, and things were really a struggle. We couldn't get an appointment with my doctor yet, due to a lapse in our insurance policies. So, we confirmed our pregnancy at CPC, and were going to find out how far along we were.

The ultrasound tech took us back to a room, and was talking with us as we got ready. We told her how this pregnancy had been a complete surprise, since we had a 4 month old daughter, and had been on NuvaRing since she was born. She asked if we were ready for another baby so soon, and my husband jokingly said, "Yeah, as long as its just number 3, and not 3 and 4!"...

A few minutes later, he ate those words! The tech paused on my stomach, and pointed at the screen. She slowly showed us our baby.....and our baby #2! We were really pregnant with twins!

I spoke in an earlier post about how it had always been my dream to have twins, and its true. I mean since I was Makennas age, I wanted twins. I would write strories when I was younger, and in them I always had twins.

The moment I found out I had twins in my tummy was a moment to stop and praise God for his blessings. My dream had come true.

As they grew in my tummy, it got harder and harder to get sleep. One would kick and kick, and as soon as he stopped, the other would start. It seemed constant! But it was such an amazing feeling, so I would talk to baby #1 while he was kicking, then talk to baby #2 while he went wild. I loved it.

Around 14 weeks pregnant, I started having severe pain in my stomach, and terrible cramping. We went to the hospital, because it was a weekend and after hours. There, they did an ultrasound, and determined both babies seemed ok. They also did a test on some fluid that had been leaking, and it came back inconclusive. They couldn't tell if it was amniotic fluid, or just a scare. So they sent me home on bedrest until I could see my normal physician.

That Monday, we went to my doctor. I laid on the table while the nurse listened for heartbeats, and prayed with all my heart. She found one easily, but couldn't find a second. I was terrified.

They decided to do an ultrasound that day to see what was going on. The ultrasound tech there is awesome. Her name is Allison, and she makes it so much fun.

As soon as she started the ultrasound, she found both heartbeats. There were 2 healthy babies, and plently of fluid. She decided to see if we could tell what they were, even though it was early. And when she told us 2 boys, I fell in love with those babies all over again.

We started to think about names. Khoen was the first name we came up with, and it stuck. We loved it, and thought it was perfect. We decided to do either 2 k names, or an m and a k name, like Makenna and Kaisyn. It took until the boys were almost here to come up with Mikah. We decided Mikah would be the first baby born, and Khoen would be baby #2. It was going to be Mikah Blake and Khoen Lee.

On February 4, as I laid in the hospital in preterm labor, hooked up to IVs and feeling pretty terrible, my sweet grandad passed away on the floor below me. I was on the 8th floor, and he was on the 7th. That day, we decided Mikahs middle name was going to be James, after my grandad, since Khoen was Lee, after my grandpa, my dad, and me.

And 3 short days later, Mikah James and Khoen Lee came into the world.

Every day when I see my scar from my emergency c section, I thank God again for Khoen. His heart rate had dropped twice during preterm labor, and again after Mikah was born.

I cried when I first saw them. They were tiny, beautiful, and perfect. I was thrilled. I had my twins. I had my sons. Nothing could be any better.

During their NICN stay, we got our house ready. We had 2 carseats, 2 bouncers, 2 swings.....double the clothes, 2 double strollers, and their crib all set up. We were ready to have them home!

The day we were bringing Mikah home, Khoen peed all over me from his bassinet, and I was in a chair like 3 feet away, no joke. Dustin was changing him, and didn't keep him covered. And he missed Dustin, and shot it straight at me. It was so funny.

Once all of Mikahs things were packed, and he was in his carseat ready to go, I started crying. Hard. I didn't want to leave my sweet little Khoen there. By then, I had been having my nightmares about Khoen, and was scared to leave him alone. Plus, he had never been away from Mikah, and Mikah had never been away from Khoen. I didn't want to seperate them.

But, knowing he was going to follow soon after, and that the girls and Mikah needed me at home, too, I reluctantly left.....and cried the whole way home.

It was only a week later when I roomed in at the hospital with him, and brought him home to complete our family. The FIRST thing I did was put him and Mikah next to each other and, of course, started snapping pictures. My twins! Seriously, no better feeling.

Makenna was excited, and couldn't wait to hold both brothers together. Kaisyn was a little unsure, but warmed up to them quickly, covering them in sloppy 10 month old kisses. My family was perfect.

I loved taking the twins places, even just to doctors together. Anyone with twins knows what I mean. When you have a new baby, you may get stopped sometimes and told how precious your new little one is. But when you have twins, EVERYONE stops you! And I was proud of my duo, so I was happy to show them off.

It's an amazing feeling when your lifelong dream really has come true, and you are living it. The sleepless nights, the double crying, the 16 bottles a day.....all of it completely worth it. I was on top of the world.

We had planned their first Halloween already, and were going to do thing 1 and thing 2, even though it may have been cliche. I was so excited. And we daydreamed about how fun Christmas would be, and the 4 stockings, 4 times the presents. And their first birthday.....I was going to make their 2 little cakes to play in, and already knew how I was going to design them. Way too early, I know. But you don't understand....they were my dream come true. No planning was too early!

The morning of June 2.....the phone call that changed everything......my world literally fell apart.

All of my dreams for their future felt crushed.

No thing 1 and thing 2.

Sure, we are still going to have 4 stockings at Christmas, but Khoen won't be here to play in his.

My lifelong dream that had finally come true.....my once-in-a-lifetime amazing treasure......had been ripped from underneath my feet, and I honestly felt like I would never be able to stand again.

Now, I see twins everywhere. I saw them at Chick-fil-A, when I went with my sister. They sat next to us at Jacksons t-ball game, when I tried to get out and clear my head, and just have fun. And, on that hard day of Mikahs checkup without Khoen, the lady in line to check out before me had a double stroller....with two little twins boys, a little older than mine.

I'm still a mother to twins, too, although I don't feel people will look at me as such. I carried them in my belly, I birthed them, and I loved them more than I thought was imaginable.

I'm so happy for all the mothers that have twins, and love seeing their pictures, and watching as their little ones grow. But I hope I can still be looked at as a mother of twins, too. I didn't get the chance to watch mine grow together. I didn't get holidays and birthdays, but I got Easter. And I will cherish those memories forever.

Now, I have Mikah. I love on him, take care of him, and tuck him in at night.....then I cry. And his twin brother, I visit at the cemetary often.

I find things I want to take Khoen, but am scared someone will steal. After all, someone stole our wreath with his name on it. Why someone would do such a thing, I will never understand. But it broke my heart a little more, and now I'm scared of them taking other things of Khoens.

I've been working on Khoens scrapbook, and I love it. Sometimes, I look at it and cry. Other times, I look at it and smile. But either way, I love it. And it is perfect to me, just like Khoen was. Is. He is perfect to me.

The pain of losing him is sometimes unbearable. Intolerable. It hurts so deep it makes me sick to my stomach, and I cry so hard my head pounds.

I see him in my dreams, and wake up in tears that I can't go pick him up. The memories of his soft, warm, baby skin are so perfect to me. The memory of his cold skin at the viewing is a nightmare.

And even now, I'm in tears. I know he is happy. I know he is in heaven. I know Jesus is holding him, and he has no tears.

And I believe Psalm 139:16.

"All the days ordained for KHOEN were written in his book before one of them came to be."

I know Khoen lived his life according to Gods will, and did his job here on earth. He brought me smiles through the losses of both grandad and grandmom. His little smile and his little hands holding me made me feel safe, and comfortable, and loved.

But I'm human. I'm selfish. I want him here. I want to watch my boys grow together. I want that for Mikah. And today, the tears won't stop.

Today is a hard day. Today, my heart is so broken for Khoen, and I'm still learning how to maneuver days like this. I pray, and I cry. I try to smile, but still cry. I hold my other babies, but still the tears flow.

I want Khoen. I miss Khoen. I need Khoen. I yell for Khoen. I long for Khoen. I cry for Khoen. I just want my son.

But I trust you, Lord, to get me through this. To get us through this. Somehow. I need you more now than ever.

Please kiss my Khoen for me. Tell him how much I love him. Tell him how happy he made me while he was in my arms. And tell him how excited I am to see him again. How I am going to hold him forever.

Please tell him to show me how happy he is every now and then. Just hold him for me, Lord, until I get there. I know you will.

I miss him, and I love him so much. Give me strength, Lord. Give us all strength. Amen.

I love you so much, Khoen. I miss you so so much. You will always be my baby, and my little cuddlebug. Love you, sweet boy.