Back to Reality......Maybe?

Today was the first day that my parents returned to work, and it was just Dustin and me alone with the kids. And to be honest, it felt just weird.

Don't get me wrong, I am so blessed to have Makenna, Kaisyn, and Mikah. And it was nice to spend today just loving on them, and playing with them, and seeing them smile. But, it didn't feel complete.

I just felt this overwhelming sensation of emptiness. I don't like this so called "new normal" that I'm expected to find. I loved staying home with my four kids, and enjoying each day with them. I loved spending time with Mikah and Khoen before the girls got up, and I loved the hectic chaos of my home once all four kids were up and running.

And even with 3 kids on full blast, it seems too quiet, empty, and lonely. I miss Khoen.

I don't think I ever will find a "new normal." My normal was taken away too soon. And completely unexpectedly.

Not only am I tired of this feeling of emptiness which I don't think will ever go away, but I'm tired of people saying, "Well, Khoen did have problems, didn't he? I mean, he had issues with his heart and breathing, right?"

......

How am I supposed to respond? Ok, yes, Khoen was on a heart/apnea monitor. He came home from the NICN after 35 days on his monitor. And I hated that thing...I hated the cords that were always being tripped over, I hated the open sores that the belt wore into my baby's little side.

But, Khoen's monitor didn't go off very often, and none in the month before he passed. Khoen's monitor NEVER went off to tell us he had an apnea alarm, only that his heart rate dropped when he got into too deep of a sleep. And only once, maybe twice, did we ever actually have to stir him, and make him wake up, to make his heart rate come back up. Khoen always self corrected, which made the doctors very happy.

And his bradys were due to PREMATURITY, not a heart defect that we knew of.

......

I think my point is that just because my baby had a monitor, just because he did have some issues with his heart rate due to him being born early, that does NOT mean I expected to lose him! That does NOT mean it makes this any easier, or that I can say "Well, at least he's not in pain any longer."

Number one, Khoen wasn't in pain that I knew of before his death.

And number two, even if he had been in pain ever in his life, I was his mommy. I wanted to comfort him, to make his tears disappear, to make him feel safe.

The fact that Khoen MAY have had some unknown issue that caused his death, and could have explained his heart and breathing issues he had since birth that his twin brother didn't have, doesn't make this any easier.

This morning, I was able to read the blog of another mother who lost a child. I hate that I know her pain, and that she knows mine. But, I feel blessed to have read it.

She had posted a poem not long after her beautiful son passed, and I want to share it, because right now, it describes almost exactly how I feel. So, here it is:

Unless you've lost a child..... ....then
Don't ask us if we are over it yet. We'll never be over it. A part of us died with our child. Don't tell us they are in a better place. They are not here with us, where they belong. Don't say at least they are not suffering. We haven't come to terms with why they suffered at all.
Don't tell us at least we have other children. Which of your children would you have sacrificed?
Don't ask us if we feel better. Bereavement isn't a condition that clears up.
Don't force your beliefs on us. Not all of us have the same faith.
Don't tell us at least we had our child for so many years (or months...). What year would you choose for your child to die?
Don't tell us God never gives us more than we can bear. Right now, we don't feel we can handle anything else.
Don't avoid us. We don't have a contagious disease, just unbearable pain.
Don't tell us you know how we feel, unless you have lost a child. No other loss can compare to losing a child. It's not the natural order of things.
Don't take our anger personally. We don't know who we are angry at or why, and lash out at those closest to us.
Don't whisper behind us when we enter a room. We are in pain, but not deaf.
Don't stop calling us after the initial loss. Our grief does not stop there, and we need to know others are thinking of us.
Don't be offended when we don't return calls right away. We take each moment as it comes, and some are worse than others.
Don't tell us to get on with our lives. We each grieve differently and in our own time frame. Grief can not be governed by any clock or calendar.
*******
Do say you are sorry. We're sorry, too, and you saying that you share our sorrow is far better than saying any of those cliches you don't really mean anyway. Just say you're sorry.
Do put your arms around us and hold us. We need your strength to get us through each day.
Do say you remember our child, if you do. Memories are all we have left and we cherish them.
Do let us talk about our child. Our child lived and still lives on in our hearts, forever.
Do mention our child's name. It will not make us sad or hurt our feelings.
Do let us cry. Crying is an important part of the grief process. Cry with us if you want to. Do remember us on special dates. Our child's birth date, death date, and holidays are a very lonely and difficult time for us without our child.
Do send us cards on those dates saying you remember our child. We do.
Do show our family that you care. Sometimes we forget to do that in our own pain.
Do be thankful for children. Nothing hurts us worse than seeing other people in pain.


To me, those are some pretty truthful and powerful words. Mainly the part about remembering Khoen, and talking about him. Saying his name. Yes, I may sometimes cry. But you dont know how much it means to me for me to feel like people remember Khoen, and love him, and want to talk about him or acknowledge him.

He is REAL, and he will always be real to me.

In another one of her blogs, she spoke about how life was going to go on with or without her, and its true. The days are going to continue to pass, whether I'm laughing or crying, standing tall or on my knees in pain. And I have to find a way to continue, too.

But I haven't found that way yet. I haven't figured out how to just smile and pretend I'm ok. I'm not ok. I don't know when or if I will ever feel ok again.

What is ok anymore? Because I'm not sure I know.

All I can feel is Khoen. I miss him. I love him. I long for him. I hurt for him. My heart is broken for him. I need my son.

I have faith in God, and I have faith that someday, maybe, I will be able to make some sense of this. Not fully understand it....I don't think I could ever fully understand why Khoen had to leave this earth so soon. But I know that God is good, and loves me. And that as much as I love Khoen, God loves him more.

Thats hard to believe sometimes, because my love is so deep. But I know that it's true.

I am also thankful for my friend, Ashley Friel, who also, unfortunately, can understand my pain. And as crazy as it may sound to some people, I find comfort in knowing that my precious Khoen is buried almost directly beside her sweet Chloe. And if I can say anything about her, I can tell you that Chloe is one extremely lucky little girl. She has one strong, sweet mama, and I love her mommy very much. And Chloe is going to be so proud when she gets to become a big sister one day.

And I'm thankful that I've had the opportunity to become friends with someone I've never actually gotten to meet. But I can tell you that she is so sweet, and I am so sorry that she can also understand my pain, and fully relate to me. She lost her 7 month old son, Raidyn, and it's just so unfair. And lately, it seems like when I'm crying, she's crying too. And when I feel like I'm going crazy and don't know where to turn, she's right there feeling the SAME way. And I appreciate that I can talk to her, and we are going to try to help each other through this.

And Hannah, I hope you know I am here for you, and will be here for you, Always. Raidyn is so proud of you, and loves you so much. And while I hurt not only for Khoen, but also for Ashley, Hannah, and Katie, my Khoen is blessed to have such sweet friends like Chloe, Raidyn,and Jake in Heaven.

And we sure have some amazing, beautiful angels.