Saturdays

I used to love weekends, and Saturdays were always fun to me.

It's when I would spend the most time playing outside with my kids, visiting with family, and being together as a family of 6.

Now, saturdays make me feel so sick, and I dread each one that comes.

Today marks a week since my baby went to heaven. And today, all I seem to be able to feel is frustration.

I am so blessed to have twins, and I was ecstatic. My whole life, since I was tiny, I wanted twins. I used to know a set of twin boys at my church growing up. They were a good bit younger than me, but I helped out in their bible school class each year. And I always told my mom I wanted twins just like them.

Of course, we all saw that as highly unlikely, since twins didn't run in our family. Then, when I found out there was not one, but TWO babies in my belly, I was so overjoyed that it overcame all the fears of having another baby while Kaisyn was still so young.

I wanted my twins so badly. Not only did I want them, but once they were here, I needed them. And I was looking so forward to watching them grow up together.

I loved comparing their heights and weights at doctors appointments. I loved guessing which sports Khoen would play, and which ones Mikah would love. I was honestly excited about every aspect of their lives, and being a part of it all.

And our family felt so complete, so perfect. I had my 2 perfect, precious girls, and my 2 perfect, sweet boys. I wanted no more children, I was truly happy.

And being a stay at home mom to them was a dream come true. Sure, it could be overwhelming.....Kenna would be acting out for attention, Kaisyn would be trying to escape the gates holding her in the living room, and both boys would be screaming. Or sometimes, all four kids would be crying, and it was hard to know who to calm first.

But to me, it was perfect. And I wouldnt have changed a thing.

Yesterday morning, I went to watch my niece graduate from McAdenville Elementary. I am so proud of her, and amazed by how much she has grown. And it was awesome to watch.

However, at the end of the ceremony, they played a video. In it, they showed a baby picture of each child, and then a picture of them now. That hit me hard, knowing I wouldn't see that "now" picture of Khoen when he should be gratuating from elementary school....or even preschool.

And last night, I went to watch as my cousin graduated from South Point High School. Once again, I was so proud of him, and it was nice to be there to watch. But as I watched each of the graduates walk across the stage, it hit me again.

I realized how hard it will be as I watch my sweet little Mikah graduate, because I want so badly for Khoen to be in line right next to him.

That's where my frustration comes in today. I am so frustrated that I dont get to celebrate all the little things in Khoens life. I'm sad that his life here on earth is over. I never used to talk about my babies graduations....I always said I didn't want to think about it, because I wanted them to grow up slowly. But this morning it seems to be all I can think about.

Don't get me wrong, I will be SO proud of Mikah when he walks across the stage, and I will celebrate with him, and make sure he knows that not only am I proud, but Khoen is proud, too. I just pray Mikah lives his life to make Khoen proud, in a way. I pray he works hard to do amazing things, because Khoen never had the opportunity to.

I'm not gonna lie.....there are so many times right now I just want to get my shovel, run to the cemetary, get my baby outta there, and fix all this, and just make my life ok again.

But for what? Even if I did (which I never would, don't worry.....I'm not crazy, haha) Khoen would still be gone. I know that's just his earthly body, but I can't tell you I don't miss that as well.

I miss his soft, perfect skin. His chubby cheeks and legs. The little birthmarks, one on his left thigh, and one on his left knee. I miss his perfect little hands, and the way they held my finger as I fed him, or held onto my shirt as we cuddled. He always held onto me.

I miss his toothless smile, and how happy I felt when he flashed it at me. His little voice when he would "talk" to me. I even miss his cry, so much. Khoen cried a lot, but he had a very queit cry. A perfect cry.

I miss rubbing his little head as he fell asleep in my arms. I miss kissing him, dressing him, even the dirty diapers. I miss his perfect feet, and the way he would wiggle if you ran your finger along the bottom of them.

I miss that tiny bit of hair, brown hair, on his head. I miss those big, sweet, blue eyes, and how happy they looked when he saw me.

Now, I even miss the annoyingness of carrying a heart monitor everywhere. I miss every little detail that made Khoen who he was.

Khoen really was a momma's boy. And I miss that most of all. I miss how he would get so calm when I held him....it was as if he felt safe once he was in my arms, and he could go right to sleep.

One of the nights I stayed with him a while back at Hemby Children's Hospital, we had a really sweet nurse who recognized how much Khoen just wanted mommy. He was fine when I held him, but if I tried to lay him down at all so I could rest my eyes, he would get upset. And poor thing had IVs and monitors, and bandaids from shots and pricks, so I didn't want him to be upset. I just kept holding him.

This particular nurse came and put the rails up on the hospital bed that was in the room for me to sleep in, and told me just to put him in my bed with me for the night. She said if I couldn't lay him down, just to snuggle him all night, and try to get some sleep. I had been up for over 48 hours, so I took her advice.

That night was the first night Khoen ever slept through the night.

He would wake up and start to wiggle, and then just grab my shirt and go back to sleep. I am so thankful I had that night, but you have no idea what I would give just to do it one more time.

Its weird, though. When the twins were first born, I always worried a little more about Khoen. Mikah never had issues....he didn't have bradys, he ate well, he was breathing on his own from the start, and he was just the definition of a strong little boy.

But Khoen did have bradys, he couldn't eat well, and he scared me. I started having nightmares after their birth, and they were always about Khoen passing away. And they scared the living hell out of me, excuse my language. I would wake up crying, and immediately call the NICN to see if he was ok.

Once we brought Khoen home, I stopped having the nightmares. But, I was always too scared to leave Khoen, even for a little while. Khoen never stayed with a babysitter. If I had to make a late-night walmart run, Khoen went with me. Not because I didn't want to take Mikah, but I knew Mikah was ok, and I wad scared to leave Khoen.

When the opportunity arose to take the girls to the beach, I prayed hard about it. And I cried at the thought of leaving both my babies for an overnight trip. But, a peace came over me, and I honestly felt ok leaving, almost like it was what I was supposed to do.

I was just trying to spend some time with my girls, and show them I love them and that they are still just as special to me.

Now, I feel guilty for leaving, and I struggle with that guilt 24/7. I should have been here to save Khoen, to protect my baby. But Dustin is a good daddy, the best daddy. And Khoen was in good hands, he really was.

I just want to watch my boys grow up together. And now, I can't. My family doesn't feel complete. I feel broken. But having another baby in a few years doesn't feel like the answer, because it still wouldn't be Khoen. I can't say we won't ever have another baby now, though. I could when Kho was here, but I can't now.

I know I can't have Khoen back, but that's all I want. I'm angry, frustrated, sick, sad, broken......I still can't eat. I still struggle to sleep. I still cry more than I do anything else.

And then I have my moments where I'm ok, and can smile, and can remember Khoen and just be happy he was mine. But I will never be the same. And, even with all the love and support, I can't help but feel alone. Only because my heart just wants Khoen, so it blocks out everyone else.

When I'm having a stronger moment and can push past that, I feel how much love is around me, and I couldn't be more thankful. And I can honestly feel all the prayers....they are what's helping me have the strength to smile while I play with my girls, and rock Mikah without wanting to scream for Khoen at the top of my lungs.

Khoen is now my guardian angel, and an inspiration for me to live my life to make him, and God, proud.

I want my son back.
I want my baby back.
I want to watch him grow.
I want to raise twins.
I want people to look at me as a mommy of twins.
I want KHOEN.

I love you always, Kho. I will never stop missing you. And I can't wait to see you again. Love you so, so much, baby boy.