Today was Father's Day, and it was tough. And as hard as it was for me, I know it was twice as hard for Dustin. I was able to snap a picture of Dustin holding Makenna, Kaisyn, and Mikah, and I will treasure it forever. But as much as it makes me smile, it still makes me cry.
I just want so much for Khoen to be in the picture, too. I know he can't be...won't be...but I want it so bad. And Dustin did, too. More than anything.
We let the girls swim outside for a long while this afternoon, and even put Mikah into the pool for the first time. He actually liked it! And, of course, the girls loved it. They are little water-bugs. :)
Afterwards, Kenna and I were swinging on my parents backyard swing, just talking and looking at the clouds. She told me she was sad, and when I asked her why, she told me she wanted Khoen to come back from Heaven. For some reason, it hit me in the gut. Not only because I wanted NOTHING more than the exact same thing, but because it was hard to hear my 3 year old missing her baby brother so much.
We talked for a while about Heaven, and how happy Khoen is there. I told her that she can talk to him whenever she misses him, and tell him, and he can hear her...she just can't hear his response. But I told her that he sends her butterflies to make her smile, and remind her that he is still here with her. We saw a tiny, blue baby butterfly, and it landed RIGHT next to us on the grass. Kenna was so excited, and I was even able to get close to it and take a picture. She kept telling Khoen thank you and that she loved him and missed him. It made me both smile and tear up at the same time.
Kenna has been talking to me a lot about Heaven lately. In a way, she has developed a fear of it, and I'm trying to work with her to get her past that. But its hard with her being only 3.
She loved my grandmom and grandad so much, and was always so excited to go to their house, or even to visit my grandmom in the hospital during her stays. And when grandad died, she handled it decently. She didn't fully understand at first, but was happy to go visit grandmom in the hospital. I think she still just thought he was on more of a "vacation" and she would just see him eventually.
But when grandmom died, it was a little harder for her. A little more real. She realized we weren't going to their house anymore. We weren't visiting the hospital anymore. We weren't calling them on the phone anymore just to chat, which Kenna LOVED and grandmom did, too. And she told us often that she missed them.
At the time, we had explained to her that when people get older, Jesus eventually calls them to live with him, and be happy and carefree, and in no more pain. Of course, she didn't fully grasp that, either. But she was able to realize what we meant when we told her grandmom could walk again, and was able to dance and was feeling so good now. That thought made her happy.
Then, Khoen passed away. She didn't understand while we were driving home from Charleston. She didn't understand when we were going to his funeral, and when we were all crying constantly for the first week. She is just now beginning to see that she is here, Kaisyn is here, and Mikah is here....they are doing fun things, playing outside, swimming, etc.....and Khoen is gone.
And she hurts for him, too. That is hard for me as a mommy as well. But seeing her excitement when we saw that butterfly, and all the other ones we have seen around her yard, makes me feel a little better. She knows that those are Khoen's way of making her smile and telling her he loves her and misses her, and she loves that. That is what is making her feel better, and is getting her through this.
Tonight, just before the sun was setting, we went to visit Khoen. And it was harder this time then it has been the past few days that I've been. I cried harder this time. I longed for my little boy a little more this time. Actually, I don't think the longing ever lets up. But still, tonight was exceptionally painful.
Mostly because when it was time to go, it was like, "Ok, Kenna and Kaisyn, tell baby brother bye. Mikah, tell Khoen you love him and will see him soon."
.....
That alone just hurts. To tell my other kids to tell him see you soon. Why can't I just bring him home with us? Why do I have to visit him in a cemetary? WHY IS MY SON NOT IN MY ARMS?
I have to calm myself down in those moments of extreme frustration and pain and anger, all in one, with strength that can ONLY come from the Lord. Because I am telling you now, that strength doesn't come from me alone. It can't.
Sometimes I have moments where I feel so broken and so hurt that I want to just lay down and do nothing, and just cry and beg for Heaven. No, I don't want to die. I don't want to leave my other kids and my husband, or anyone else in my family. Or my friends. But boy, do I want to be with Khoen.
Kenna's fear of Heaven has mainly been that she doesn't want to lose me. She has begged me more than once in the past 2 weeks, with tears in her eyes, not to go to Heaven. "Then I won't have a mommy anymore, just like I don't have a Khoen anymore."
Ouch. I can just feel her pain, and I hate it. I have tried to explain that I will be here with her until she is all grown up, and she doesn't have to worry about that. Mommy isn't leaving. But that is a fear of hers now that I can't remove, only God can through time. She lost her great grandparents and baby brother so close together, and that is a LOT for her little mind to grasp. And I hate that for her.
That is just another reason for me to be so strong right now, even when I feel like I can't. Even when I feel like I want to hit my knees and stay there....like I have no strength to go on. I have to. For Makenna. For Kaisyn. For Mikah. For Dustin. For my parents. For my sister and brother in law. For my niece and nephew. For my cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and friends. For everyone.
And also, for Khoen. Because I want him to be proud of me when I see him again. I want HIM to know that I'm strong, and him to say, "See, Mommy? I knew you could do it. I was with you the whole time, and I am so lucky to be your son."
I am so lucky Khoen is my son. And I love him, and miss him so much.
Before I retire to feed Mikah and put him to sleep, I have to share a funny story. Well, funny to me....
As I gave Kenna her bath, she kept yawning, but would answer no when I asked if she was tired. She never likes to admit to being tired....she is a little ball of energy! But finally, when we were about to drain the water, she said, "Mommy, I'm avented." ...I asked her two times what she meant, and she just kept repeating "avented," haha. So I asked if she meant exhausted, and she said, "No, no no no, Mommy, avented. You know, like when you're really tired and just want to go to sleep." I tried telling her the word really was exhausted, but she would NOT let it go. I love her vocabulary, and even her stubborness to be correct. I love everything about that little girl, her sister, and her twin brothers.
On that note, this "avented" mommy is going to get everything settled, and get herself into bed! Happy Father's Day to all, and have a good night!
Missing you, Kho....see you soon. Love you, cuddlebug. <3
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