Saturday, August 23, 2014

Here Comes 1st Grade & Pre-K3!

It's time for a new school year! I can't believe I am now the mommy of a 1st grader! 

Wait...is that really even possible? It seems like just yesterday Makenna was a tiny little baby, still relying on me fully to make it through her days. 




Now that sweet little baby has grown into a spunky, energetic, independent little 6 year old. She has the best imagination, and loves everything and everyone. She is passionate, and is an amazing big sister. I couldn't be more proud!




We are excited for this upcoming school year, and have decided that we will continue to home-school as a family. We aren't actually starting our school year until we get back from vacation mid-September. 

The kids (and us parents, too!) can't wait for our beach trip! It's been years since we have been able to go to the beach for an entire week, and we will be doing that the 2nd week of September. It's a much anticipated, and deserved, trip! 

But, when we do return, we will start our 2014-2015 school year, and are excited to incorporate Kaisyn and Mikah into the school routine, too! 

Kaisyn has grown up so much in the last year, and she continues to amaze me every day. Of all of my kids, she is the most dramatic, opinionated, and tender-hearted. She is sensitive, sassy, and has a heart of gold. She loves very deeply, until you tell her no or hurt her feelings. Then, she will let you know you have upset her, and sounds more like a 13 year old than a 3 year old! 




Kaisyn will be doing a pre-K3 program here at home. She absolutely loves to "do school", and asks daily if we get to start school today. She is very smart, and learns quickly. I don't plan to be strict and force her to do more than she is ready to do, since she is still so young. But, while she is excited to learn and wants to participate in school daily, I plan to make it as fun as possible while giving her the best head start that I can! 

But, we will have to see just how much this little diva will actually let me teach her, before she starts trying to teach me! ;) 

As for Mikah, I am hoping that seeing the girls doing their schoolwork will make him interested as well. I won't force him, either, since he is only 2. But the curriculum I am using for Kaisyn incorporates so many fun little learning games, I am hoping that he will start to pick up things from it, and enjoy it daily as well! 

Mikah is also very smart, like his big sisters, but he is much more energetic than the girls. It's quite a feat to try and get him to sit still for any period of time! And, if you take your eyes off of him for a second, you are bound to find him getting into something that he shouldn't! 

I guess I can call it "creativity", but that little boy will find a way to get anything he wants. We had brownies in the kitchen not too long ago, and I had them in the pan, covered in plastic wrap and foil, and out of reach of all 3 of the kids. Mikah was sitting at the little table in the kitchen coloring, while the girls and I were reading a book in the living room, just around the corner. He was super quiet, so I snuck around to peek at him, only to find that he had built himself a ladder (his little chair, then a bigger kitchen table chair), and was sitting on the counter eating the brownies. He had managed to move the chairs so slowly that we never even heard him! Sneaky, sneaky, sneaky!


Back in May, we went to the beach for a long weekend. We came back on a Sunday, and Dustin returned to work the next day, leaving me to unpack. I got up before the kids, and went ahead and showered. After my shower, I got the kids up, and let them play for a few minutes while I finished getting ready. Mikah had ventured into my room, where all of our luggage still was, and was just sitting on my bed talking to me. We had taken all of our medicine in a little cooler, and it was still with all of the luggage, in the corner of our bedroom. 

I walked back into the bathroom to put on lotion, and was in there for honestly maybe 30 seconds to a minute. When I came back out, Mikah was sitting facing the wall, and I asked him what he was doing, just being silly. I figured he was just trying to hide, and didn't think he could have possibly been up to something that quickly. 

When he turned around, he proceeded to hand me an EMPTY box of Sudafed (which had been over half full when he found it). He had eaten 11 12-hour, slow release sudafed tablets. I absolutely panicked! He was acting fine at the time, but then again they were slow release, and he had just eaten them. I had no clue what to do, so I called poison control, who told me to hang up immediately and call 911. 

Within minutes, 2 different ambulances pulled up, and 2 paramedics looked over Mikah while the other 2 had to search our bedroom to make sure he hadn't just hidden the pills. We didn't find any of them, so Mikah, the girls, and I all got to take a very expensive ride in an ambulance to the local hospital. 


Even though I was a complete mess, and feeling like the absolute worst mother in the entire world, the kids loved the ambulance! The girls thought it was the best thing ever, and Mikah still talks about it today. He wasn't to thrilled while he was in it, though, because he had to stay hooked up to the pulse-ox machine, and was strapped to that bed. 

At the hospital, Mikah basically just ended up getting extremely "high", and it was terrifying to see as his mother. He was seeing things that weren't there, and couldn't sit up without falling over. He had to drink a yummy chocolate milk and charcoal "milkshake", which he loved somehow, and that helped soak up the rest of the medicine in his stomach. Then it was just an 8-hour wait, to make sure he didn't have any other side effects, and that he was less out of it. And after a good, long nap, the sillies were gone and he was back to his smiley self, thank God! 




Needless to say, with Mikah, I can't even take a potty-break without taking him with me. He is adventurous, care-free, and completely fearless! But, he is also one of the sweetest and most loving little boys. 


My favorite part about homeschooling is watching day to day what my kids are learning. It's an amazing feeling to watch them accomplish something new, and see the pride and joy in their eyes, and know that you are the one that taught it to them. And I've learned this statement to be very, very true: God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called. 

I have patience, yes, but no more than any other mother out there. And do I need a break sometimes?! More than you know! Everyone does! But, when I lost Khoen, I was forced to face the reality that tomorrow is never promised. Not for me, not for my kids, not for anyone. We can only appreciate every little moment today, and be ready for when we are called home. 

Therefore, I enjoy being able to spend my days with my children, and teaching them the things they will need to know as they grow up. I enjoy teaching them about love, about respect, and about God, and why we love Him. 

I feel blessed to have to opportunity to watch my babies grow into independent children. And I can't wait to watch what this year will hold, and see where our adventures will take us. 




Here's to an amazing school year for everyone! :)

Saturday, January 25, 2014

I Can Only Imagine.

"I can only imagine
What it will be like,
When I walk
By your side.
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see,
When your face
Is before me."

Tonight, driving home in the car alone, I heard this song for the millionth time. And, once again, as it has multiple times recently, it made me cry.

Today has been a day full of little reminders of Khoen. Well, some little and some huge. All of my kids are signed up for the Toys R Us Birthday Club, and not ever thinking that I would lose one of my children, of course the twins were signed up as well when they were born.

We are only 13 days away from February 7. From my boys' 2nd birthdays. I can't even type those words without tears. I'm not ready. We got in the mail today both of their Birthday Club envelopes, with little $3 off coupons inside. One addressed to Mikah, and one to Khoen.

It's so hard to figure out what I want and need to do in these situations. With the girls, its always an exciting, "Yay, look! We can use this and take you on your birthday to pick a special prize!" And with Mikah its the same. But, what do I do with Khoens? I feel guilty just cancelling Khoens and keeping Mikahs. Not to mention, it isn't exactly easy to call or email people and tell them that he died, so we don't need to get these anymore. In a way, as much as it hurts sometimes, it's nice to be reminded that other people know he was real, too. People who don't even know him.

But, its hard to get a letter addressed to him in the mail and not have him here to give it to. I want to badly to see him now. I want to know what his hair would be like...brown like it was at birth, or blonde like Mikahs. Curly like Kaisyns, or straight like Makennas. I just want to know all the little details of his personality, like I do the other kids. I want to hold him. I want to hug him. I want to watch him blow out his candles and eat his cake. And sometimes it just hurts.

Driving with Makenna today, we saw a funeral procession right near where Khoen is buried. We stopped of course, out of respect, and she had her regular hundred questions about why we were stopping when the stoplight was green. I explained to her that it was a funeral, and that's why all the cars had their flashers on.

"Like Khoen's funeral, mommy?"

I told her that yes, it was just like that. That family had someone that they love very much go to Heaven, and they are going to the cemetery like we did for Khoen.

"Will they see Khoen at the cemetery, mommy? Will they stop and say hey to him?"

I told her they may, but that they may not know who Khoen is. They are thinking of their loved one today, and that's ok.

"I think they should go see Khoen, mommy. They would love him, like I do. I miss him, mommy."

I miss him too. So incredibly much.

Then I heard that song, and again I thought of little Khoen. I thought of how amazing it must have been to close your eyes to sleep, and wake up to see Jesus' face. Sometimes my earthly mind makes me wonder if he was scared. If he was sad that he was leaving us, and if he was afraid to not have his mommy. But I know he wasn't. I'm sure he wasn't.

I thought of Grandmom and Grandad up in Heaven. I thought again of how excited Grandmom had been about the twins. I thought about how much she wanted to meet them. I thought about how tightly she must have hugged him, and how happy he must have been to meet her. I know Grandad has made him a Carolina fan, too, even from Heaven, and even against his daddy's Duke-loving ways.

Sometimes it still hurts a lot, too, to think of how much Grandmom would have loved Mikah, and how much he would adore her. And Kaisyn would, too. She was too little to remember them, and it hurts, because they were such important people to me.

But I know that we will see them again. I know that when they get to Heaven, they will know who Grandmom and Grandad are, and they will recognize Khoen, too. And someday I will get to see my twins side by side again, as they should be.

I'm not sure yet how I am going to get through their birthday weekend. I'm really not. I wish I could say that I feel stronger this year than I did last year, so I will be just fine. But, that would be a lie. I feel more scared this year than I did last year. I am just not ready. There are so many sets of twins around me, and as fun as it is to watch them grow up, its so hard sometimes. That should have been me, too. That should have been my boys.

My girls are best friends. They share a room, they laugh and giggle. They play barbies and mermaids, and dress up together. They are always telling Mikah he can't play because hes a boy. Of course I have tried to help them play with him, too, and they do. They adore him, as he does them. But, I feel like he is missing his best friend. He should have a roommate, too. He should have someone to play cars with, and to fight with, and to get into trouble with.

My heart just hurts tonight.

I am praying for the strength to get through the weekend of the 7th. I honestly don't know if I will make it out of the house. I feel terrible for having nothing planned for Mikah yet again, and having no presents bought yet. I've tried, and I just start feeling sick and overwhelmed, and I have to stop.

I am planning to do a joint party for him and Kaisyn at the beginning of March, since their birthdays aren't that far apart. We've planned on Mickey and Minnie for a while now, since he is obsessed with anything and everything Mickey Mouse, and Kaisyn absolutely loves her Minnie Mouse! Hopefully after I make it through Mikah and Khoens birthday, I will be able to pull myself back together and get it planned and ready.

I know I will make it through. I know that I am not alone, and that He will carry me through. But I admit that I am scared. I am back to the no-sleep and nightmares, and feeling sick all the time. I have headaches everyday, and I know its from stressing myself out. I have pulled away from people that I love, and I don't mean it to hurt anyone. I have just had to focus 100% of my energy on my family in order to make sure I am giving them the best of me, which sometimes I still feel isn't good enough.

That's where the other song I heard tonight comes in.

"You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You are made for so much more than all of this.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His.
You're beautiful."

I know that if I raise my children to know that they are beautiful, they are treasured in His eyes as well as mine, that I will have done something right. As long as they know they are deserving of Heaven, they are made for Heaven, they are made for more than this world can ever bring them, I will have done my best for them.

Beyond the hurt, beyond the tears, I am blessed. I know that. I have 3 absolutely amazing children asleep in their beds right now, and one precious, perfect little angel whom has been closeby me all night. I am blessed. And I can't thank the Lord enough for that.

I will be ok. I will make it through Khoens birthday, and I will find stronger days again.

I'll do it for Makenna, Kaisyn, Mikah, and my sweet Khoen. <3