My Broken Smile.

I can't believe it's really been two weeks since I last saw my little boy. Tomorrow is actually two weeks since he went to live with Jesus, but today is my two week mark. And it isn't being so nice to me this morning.

I never imagined two weeks ago that my world could EVER change in such a way. I never imagined that I even COULD lose a child, and have my heart broken so painfully. But I'm trying my best to wear my broken smile today, for the sake of Makenna, Kaisyn, and little Mikah.

Last night, I took Makenna to Chick-fil-A to eat and play with my sister and nephew, Jackson. A family friend, Amanda, met us there with her two kids, Ryder and Reese. Makenna had SO much fun...it was her first time playing on a restaurant playground.

She met another little girl with her name there, and had to run up to me yelling, "Mommy! There is really another Makenna! She is REALLY Makenna like me!" It was pretty adorable. :)

To see Makenna running around, with her big smile and not another care in the world at the time, was good for me. I need to see my kids still happy.

When I have my rough moments, and can't seem to stop the tears from flowing, Makenna will hug me often and ask me if I'm still crying because I miss Khoen so much. I try to explain to her that I'm just sad, but mommy is ok. I don't want her to think that my hurt for Khoen overpowers my love for her, Kaisyn, and Mikah. It doesn't. It's just harder to cope with right now, and that makes it harder on me.

And after I finally DO stop crying, Makenna will approach me and ask me if I'm happy now. And somehow, I'm able to tell her yes, I'm happy, and go play with her again.

It's hard trying to find a balance of how much I can cry without affecting my other kids, and how to try and smile through my sadness in order to keep them feeling happy. But, I'm trying.

On Wednesday, Dustin and I blew up the little 3-ring inflatable pool we bought for the kids, and put it out in my parents backyard. Makenna and Kaisyn could barely wait until it was full of water to get in and play. We haven't been swimming at a real pool this summer...although we have one in our neighborhood, it was always a little scary for me to think of having to watch both girls in the water, even with Dustin in too, and still try to manage both boys outside of the pool. So we were waiting until a little further into the summer.

Anyways, they splashed and played, and had such a good time. And the whole time we were out there, a white butterfly kept flying around the yard. It would come kind of close to us, then go explore my dads garden. But, the entire time we were outside, it was there. It never left.

Yesterday, we went out to swim in that little pool again, joined by my neice and nephew. And again, that white butterfly was there the whole time, exploring every inch of my parents backyard. And somehow, it made me smile. We called it the Khoen butterfly, and it kind of brought us all comfort. My nephew just loved it, and later that night when he saw just a regular fly, he informed me that it, too, was a "Khoen Fly." He is too cute.

How a butterfly can make me feel so much comfort when it comes to missing Khoen while playing with my other kids, I'm not really sure. But I'm taking it as my sign from God that Khoen is in his arms, and Khoen is ok.

Sometimes, I still find myself feeling some anger, and asking God Why? Why would you take my sweet Khoen, God? Why do I have to hurt so much? My family was perfect to me!

But, then I remind myself that Khoen is with God now. How can I feel anger towards the One who has my baby in his arms? I can't. I can do nothing but praise Him, because my son is with him, and I can't wait to see him again. And even through the hardest, roughest times in grieving my sweet boy, I have to remind myself that he is still here. He will always be here. He will ALWAYS be in my heart, and watching over me.

I love you so much, Khoen, and missing you I don't believe will ever get any easier. But mommy is trying so hard to be strong not only for your sisters and your twin brother, but also for you. I'll see you soon, Kho. And until then, keep us safe. I love you. <3