Angelversaries...

Well, to say the least, its been a rough night. I guess, really, its been building for the past 2 days. But tonight, I just felt fully overwhelmed by my emotions, and couldn't hold myself up any longer.

It started on Monday, when I was doing my normal, everyday mommy things, and was going to wash a load of laundry. While we stayed with my mom, she was generous enough to do it for me, so it was the first time since we were back at home that I attempted washing Mikahs clothes. I had already washed towels and mine and Dustins clothes, but not Mikahs.

I set the washer, put in the dreft, and started emptying his hamper into the washer. Then, I proceeded to spend 15 minutes looking this house up and down for more clothes. I kept telling Dustin there was just no way that was all he had dirty! He always has a full load, almost overflowing......not a medium sized load! Then it hit me........ This was Mikahs laundry. Not Mikah and Khoens, just Mikahs.

Ouch.

I immediately started to cry. With the twins, it was like I could never keep enough clothes, bibs, and blankets spit-up free and clean.....with Mikah, its like he can't dirty all the stuff we have quick enough! But, that's because he is using clothes, bins, and blankets that were, just a month ago, used for two babies.

Even our dryer, which is pretty much a dinosaur and takes about 3-4 cycles just to dry one full load, dried his clothes in just 1.5 cycles. That was another energy saving yet very painful reminder.

It's little things like that that seem to get to me the most. Then, last night as I was doing dishes, I, without giving it a second thought, left a place for two sets of bottles on the top rack. I've done dishes plently since last month, but just wasn't thinking that time.

So, with tears streaming down my face again, I loaded just Mikahs bottles. And, again, felt like someone had stabbed me for the millionth time straight through the heart.

It's funny to me sometimes how my mind works so much off routine and memory. I know when its time to get Mikah dressed for the day that I only need one diaper and one outfit. Yet I find myself with two diapers in hand, looking at the cute little matching outfits and trying to decide the best fit for the day.

I know in time it will get easier, but now it just seems to be getting harder by the day.

A sweet friend of mine who I unfortunately haven't seen since high school, and also a mother of precious twin girls, sent me the sweetest gift so unexpectedly. She gave me a necklace with my sweet Khoens name on it, two little footprints, and a small pearl. It's gorgeous, and hasn't left my neck since I opened it except to sleep.

And when those hard moments happen now, I find myself rubbing that necklace, rubbing my little Khoens name, when I miss him most. And somehow, it actually seems to help. It's a small reminder that he's here.

He will always be right here with me, even if only in my heart.

This Saturday seems to be approaching at a speed that I am not a fan of. Tomorrow will be the 4 week anniversary of the last full day I spent with my precious son. Friday will be the 4 week mark of me kissing him for the last time. And Saturday will be 4 weeks since he took his last earthly breath. It's strange how even these short anniversarys, or his "angelversaries", can be so painful.

It's going to be a hard week and weekend for our family. And also our financial stresses are in high gear, considering Dustins job has given him ZERO hours since Khoen passed (he seriously needs a new one, its getting ridiculous....), and funeral expenses are all due in July. But, we just keep praying, and we know we will be able to work things out.

We set a goal as a family to have Khoens footstone by his first birthday. It seems so far away, but its going to take a lot of saving. They definitely are not cheap, and we are by no means well off. But we make due.

I'm hoping my crafty side can eventually come up with something to make in his honor and sell to help us raise money. We'll see. Either way, I know God will eventually help us work something out. I just can't let myself get overwhelmed by finances right now, since life itself is a bit too much at the moment.

On a lighter note, we are getting closer to raising enough money for Khoens bear! Makenna is so excited.....she can wait to hold it. We have 3 more days to get the rest of the money, so we are just praying for a blessing!

Kaisyn has officially learned to run, and she is just about as clumsy as her big sister! Both my girls seem to be constantly covered in bruises from falling....but are so independent and tough, it never slows them down! And it makes me happy to know they are that way. Strong, independent, beautiful, sweet little girls......who are also stubborn and as strong willed as they come. ;)

It's also amazing to me how much God really will show you He's there if you will just listen. I don't know what I would do without my Faith. Well, I do know.....I would be on the crazy floor of the hospital right now!

But I can feel God working in my life more than ever, even through all my pain. And as much as I'm hurting for my baby, I am excited to see where this path God has chosen for me will take me, while on my journey to see Him and Khoen in Heaven.

To Khoen...

Khoen, I know you already know, because you are our angel and can see. But, I want to share with you anyways, because as your mommy, I like sharing everything with you, just as I do your big sissys, and your twin brother.

Mommy and daddy are trying to get a special teddy bear made in memory of you. It's going to be so cool, because it will really weigh how much you did when you went to live with Jesus! How amazing is that?

I will forever be able to hold my little Khoen bear, and remember, in a sense, how it felt to hold you. And, through the goodness of God, and people who love you even though they didn't get to meet you, we are over halfway there!

You are so special, Khoen! And loved by so many!

Of course, nothing can replace for me the sweet feeling of holding you, but this will help mommy so much. And your big sister Kenna, too. She misses you a lot, Kho.

Lately, she's been crying for you more, and begging for you to come back from Heaven. We know you can't come back, and after the glorious things you have seen where you are now, you wouldn't want to! And its ok, we understand.

It's hard for us, here on Earth, to deal with how it feels to not have you in our arms, in our laps. But its amazing to have your memory, every precious ounce of it, in our hearts.

You didn't get to stay with us long, and it hurts mommy to think about it. Mommy was so excited when you were born, and I couldn't wait to watch you grow up, and see your relationship with your siblings, especially your brother Mikah.

But now, mommy feels selfish. I want you here, to wipe your tears, and rock you, and teach you to play games, and have sleepovers where we stay up late and eat popcorn and watch movies.....to watch you play sports, to give you baths, to comfort you when you're scared. I want to be mommy to you in every sense of the word.

I have to constantly remind myself that you are happy, and you won't have tears, or fears, and get to have fun all day, every day. And as much as I love you, and daddy loves you, and Makenna, Kaisyn, and Mikah love you, God loves you MORE. You are that special, baby.

We are going to put the shirt you last wore on your bear, so it will both feel like you, and smell like you. So I can hold it when I cry for you, and just remember your sweet, perfect little face.

I miss you so much, sweetie, but I promise I will see you soon. It may seem like eternity to me here on Earth, but it will be a flash to you. And mommy is never going to let you go again. What an amazing day that will be.

Watch over us, Khoen, as I know you will. And watch over those who are helping us.....they are truly some amazing people. (Hold him tight, Lord.....and let him know how much we love him. I trust you to do that Lord. I love you)

Mommy loves you Kho, and I miss you more everyday. See you soon, baby....love you, always. Your Mommy.

Twins

I can still remember sitting at Crisis Pregnancy Center waiting for my ultrasound.

Dustin had lost his job about a month before, and things were really a struggle. We couldn't get an appointment with my doctor yet, due to a lapse in our insurance policies. So, we confirmed our pregnancy at CPC, and were going to find out how far along we were.

The ultrasound tech took us back to a room, and was talking with us as we got ready. We told her how this pregnancy had been a complete surprise, since we had a 4 month old daughter, and had been on NuvaRing since she was born. She asked if we were ready for another baby so soon, and my husband jokingly said, "Yeah, as long as its just number 3, and not 3 and 4!"...

A few minutes later, he ate those words! The tech paused on my stomach, and pointed at the screen. She slowly showed us our baby.....and our baby #2! We were really pregnant with twins!

I spoke in an earlier post about how it had always been my dream to have twins, and its true. I mean since I was Makennas age, I wanted twins. I would write strories when I was younger, and in them I always had twins.

The moment I found out I had twins in my tummy was a moment to stop and praise God for his blessings. My dream had come true.

As they grew in my tummy, it got harder and harder to get sleep. One would kick and kick, and as soon as he stopped, the other would start. It seemed constant! But it was such an amazing feeling, so I would talk to baby #1 while he was kicking, then talk to baby #2 while he went wild. I loved it.

Around 14 weeks pregnant, I started having severe pain in my stomach, and terrible cramping. We went to the hospital, because it was a weekend and after hours. There, they did an ultrasound, and determined both babies seemed ok. They also did a test on some fluid that had been leaking, and it came back inconclusive. They couldn't tell if it was amniotic fluid, or just a scare. So they sent me home on bedrest until I could see my normal physician.

That Monday, we went to my doctor. I laid on the table while the nurse listened for heartbeats, and prayed with all my heart. She found one easily, but couldn't find a second. I was terrified.

They decided to do an ultrasound that day to see what was going on. The ultrasound tech there is awesome. Her name is Allison, and she makes it so much fun.

As soon as she started the ultrasound, she found both heartbeats. There were 2 healthy babies, and plently of fluid. She decided to see if we could tell what they were, even though it was early. And when she told us 2 boys, I fell in love with those babies all over again.

We started to think about names. Khoen was the first name we came up with, and it stuck. We loved it, and thought it was perfect. We decided to do either 2 k names, or an m and a k name, like Makenna and Kaisyn. It took until the boys were almost here to come up with Mikah. We decided Mikah would be the first baby born, and Khoen would be baby #2. It was going to be Mikah Blake and Khoen Lee.

On February 4, as I laid in the hospital in preterm labor, hooked up to IVs and feeling pretty terrible, my sweet grandad passed away on the floor below me. I was on the 8th floor, and he was on the 7th. That day, we decided Mikahs middle name was going to be James, after my grandad, since Khoen was Lee, after my grandpa, my dad, and me.

And 3 short days later, Mikah James and Khoen Lee came into the world.

Every day when I see my scar from my emergency c section, I thank God again for Khoen. His heart rate had dropped twice during preterm labor, and again after Mikah was born.

I cried when I first saw them. They were tiny, beautiful, and perfect. I was thrilled. I had my twins. I had my sons. Nothing could be any better.

During their NICN stay, we got our house ready. We had 2 carseats, 2 bouncers, 2 swings.....double the clothes, 2 double strollers, and their crib all set up. We were ready to have them home!

The day we were bringing Mikah home, Khoen peed all over me from his bassinet, and I was in a chair like 3 feet away, no joke. Dustin was changing him, and didn't keep him covered. And he missed Dustin, and shot it straight at me. It was so funny.

Once all of Mikahs things were packed, and he was in his carseat ready to go, I started crying. Hard. I didn't want to leave my sweet little Khoen there. By then, I had been having my nightmares about Khoen, and was scared to leave him alone. Plus, he had never been away from Mikah, and Mikah had never been away from Khoen. I didn't want to seperate them.

But, knowing he was going to follow soon after, and that the girls and Mikah needed me at home, too, I reluctantly left.....and cried the whole way home.

It was only a week later when I roomed in at the hospital with him, and brought him home to complete our family. The FIRST thing I did was put him and Mikah next to each other and, of course, started snapping pictures. My twins! Seriously, no better feeling.

Makenna was excited, and couldn't wait to hold both brothers together. Kaisyn was a little unsure, but warmed up to them quickly, covering them in sloppy 10 month old kisses. My family was perfect.

I loved taking the twins places, even just to doctors together. Anyone with twins knows what I mean. When you have a new baby, you may get stopped sometimes and told how precious your new little one is. But when you have twins, EVERYONE stops you! And I was proud of my duo, so I was happy to show them off.

It's an amazing feeling when your lifelong dream really has come true, and you are living it. The sleepless nights, the double crying, the 16 bottles a day.....all of it completely worth it. I was on top of the world.

We had planned their first Halloween already, and were going to do thing 1 and thing 2, even though it may have been cliche. I was so excited. And we daydreamed about how fun Christmas would be, and the 4 stockings, 4 times the presents. And their first birthday.....I was going to make their 2 little cakes to play in, and already knew how I was going to design them. Way too early, I know. But you don't understand....they were my dream come true. No planning was too early!

The morning of June 2.....the phone call that changed everything......my world literally fell apart.

All of my dreams for their future felt crushed.

No thing 1 and thing 2.

Sure, we are still going to have 4 stockings at Christmas, but Khoen won't be here to play in his.

My lifelong dream that had finally come true.....my once-in-a-lifetime amazing treasure......had been ripped from underneath my feet, and I honestly felt like I would never be able to stand again.

Now, I see twins everywhere. I saw them at Chick-fil-A, when I went with my sister. They sat next to us at Jacksons t-ball game, when I tried to get out and clear my head, and just have fun. And, on that hard day of Mikahs checkup without Khoen, the lady in line to check out before me had a double stroller....with two little twins boys, a little older than mine.

I'm still a mother to twins, too, although I don't feel people will look at me as such. I carried them in my belly, I birthed them, and I loved them more than I thought was imaginable.

I'm so happy for all the mothers that have twins, and love seeing their pictures, and watching as their little ones grow. But I hope I can still be looked at as a mother of twins, too. I didn't get the chance to watch mine grow together. I didn't get holidays and birthdays, but I got Easter. And I will cherish those memories forever.

Now, I have Mikah. I love on him, take care of him, and tuck him in at night.....then I cry. And his twin brother, I visit at the cemetary often.

I find things I want to take Khoen, but am scared someone will steal. After all, someone stole our wreath with his name on it. Why someone would do such a thing, I will never understand. But it broke my heart a little more, and now I'm scared of them taking other things of Khoens.

I've been working on Khoens scrapbook, and I love it. Sometimes, I look at it and cry. Other times, I look at it and smile. But either way, I love it. And it is perfect to me, just like Khoen was. Is. He is perfect to me.

The pain of losing him is sometimes unbearable. Intolerable. It hurts so deep it makes me sick to my stomach, and I cry so hard my head pounds.

I see him in my dreams, and wake up in tears that I can't go pick him up. The memories of his soft, warm, baby skin are so perfect to me. The memory of his cold skin at the viewing is a nightmare.

And even now, I'm in tears. I know he is happy. I know he is in heaven. I know Jesus is holding him, and he has no tears.

And I believe Psalm 139:16.

"All the days ordained for KHOEN were written in his book before one of them came to be."

I know Khoen lived his life according to Gods will, and did his job here on earth. He brought me smiles through the losses of both grandad and grandmom. His little smile and his little hands holding me made me feel safe, and comfortable, and loved.

But I'm human. I'm selfish. I want him here. I want to watch my boys grow together. I want that for Mikah. And today, the tears won't stop.

Today is a hard day. Today, my heart is so broken for Khoen, and I'm still learning how to maneuver days like this. I pray, and I cry. I try to smile, but still cry. I hold my other babies, but still the tears flow.

I want Khoen. I miss Khoen. I need Khoen. I yell for Khoen. I long for Khoen. I cry for Khoen. I just want my son.

But I trust you, Lord, to get me through this. To get us through this. Somehow. I need you more now than ever.

Please kiss my Khoen for me. Tell him how much I love him. Tell him how happy he made me while he was in my arms. And tell him how excited I am to see him again. How I am going to hold him forever.

Please tell him to show me how happy he is every now and then. Just hold him for me, Lord, until I get there. I know you will.

I miss him, and I love him so much. Give me strength, Lord. Give us all strength. Amen.

I love you so much, Khoen. I miss you so so much. You will always be my baby, and my little cuddlebug. Love you, sweet boy.

His Grace is Sufficient

On Monday morning, I tried to take a step in the right direction. I went to speak to a counselor that both my sister and mother have been to talk to before. I still want to go to some kind of group therapy, but I thought that maybe she could help me learn how to deal with my anger since the loss of Khoen. Because that is my biggest issue; I am so angry that he is not here with me, and that hurts me the most.

Anyways, she was able to help me some, and I thought maybe I could share what she spoke with me about. I thought maybe it could help someone else who is going through this, or dealing with really anything stressful in life. Although, this is more about grief and pain.

After I shared my story about Khoen with her, and went through about 10 tissues from crying, it was time for me to listen. And she started talking to me about how much my attitude towards this whole event can directly impact how the rest of my life plays out.

Let me say this....my attitude is kind of a sensitive subject to me right now. There are times when I am in a bad mood, simply from missing my son, and being frustrated, and angry, and just ready to attack anyone who tries to tell me I have a bad attitude. How am I supposed to have a good attitude when my SON is GONE? How am I supposed to be happy and positive and look at things with a smile when I am in this much pain? When all I want to do is cry? Are you crazy, lady?

Thats when she told me to think about a stop sign. May sound silly, but just hear me out. She explained that I have to stop myself. I can't keep thinking about how sad and hurt I am, and keep focusing all of my energy on just missing Khoen. Yes, I still have to grieve his loss. And that means that of course I am still going to have bad moods, bad days, and lots of tears. But I can't let it overtake my whole day.

"People are disturbed not by things, but by the views they take of them."
-Epictetus.

"The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven."
-Milton.

"We have met the enemy, and he is us."
-Pogo.

It took me a few times reading each of these quotes to really understand what they actually meant. And now, I can see what she means....if I keep focusing on how miserable I am without Khoen here, I am not going to be able to enjoy the rest of my life, and the lives of Makenna, Kaisyn, and Mikah. And Khoen wouldn't want that. I don't want that. I want to learn to be happy. I just know that my truest happiness will not come again until I am reunited with Kho in Heaven. But that doesn't mean that I am doomed to be miserable the rest of my days on Earth.

So I have to give up all the "must" statements in my life. I have to quit with the could of, should of, would ofs. I am constantly saying to myself, "I should have been there. I could have saved him. I would of held him all night, and made sure he was ok."

....Stop, Meredith. Take a deep breathe, and just STOP.

Stop focusing on the things that I CAN'T change. I wasn't there. And had I been there, I more than likely would have done nothing differently. You don't put your children to bed at night with the fear that they aren't going to wake up the next morning. No one does. No one believes it can happen to their child. I didn't believe it could happen to my child.

But it did. And focusing on that fact is only causing me to have irrational fears about Makenna, Kaisyn, and especially, Mikah. Its causing me to be angry and depressed, and feel like I just want to run away. But run away from what?

"God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardship as the pathway to peace; taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is; not as I would have it; trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will; so that I may be reasonable happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next. AMEN."
-Reinhold Niebuhr.

There is no truer prayer from my heart than that. I can't change the fact that Khoen is no longer in my arms, but I can change the way I look at it. I can honor him by caring for his sisters and brother, and loving them just as I would have him as well. Just as I DO love him as well. I know which things I can't change, and I have to start focusing on things that I can. Slowly, but surely.

I do have to take things one day at a time, and enjoy one moment at a time. Any more than that is overwhelming to me right now. I can't look at next year and say, "Ugh, its not going to be any easier by then. I can't get there. I CAN'T DO THIS."

....Stop Meredith, take a deep breathe.

I have to accept that this is the path that Jesus chose for me. He chose to show my just how strong I am, maybe so that I can help others through their pain as well. Not yet....I am not at the point where I could really be helpful yet, unless you are walking right here with me. And the mothers who have lost and feel my pain, you are right here with me. And I will help as much as I can, just as you have all helped me.

This world is not perfect, and is full of pain. It always will be. But Heaven is perfect. And someday, I will be there, walking with Jesus, walking with Khoen. I can't wait until that day. Until then, I surrender myself fully to His will. That is the only way I know I will someday have true happiness again.

Psalm 139:16
"Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

....All the days ordained for Khoen, were written in His book before one of them came to be.

.....That is a hard reality to us here on Earth, but a perfect plan in God's eyes. To Him, Khoen lived exactly as he should have. He did exactly what he should. He brought us SUCH immense happiness while he was here. He brightened EVERY day with his huge smile, his bright eyes, his precious coo. And, when his days were over, as short as they seem to me, to my family, to everyone, he was rewarded with his acceptance into Heaven; with his eternal body, and eternal happiness; with his seat at the feet of Jesus. How perfect and amazing is that?

2 Corinthians 12:9
"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."

Your grace is sufficient for me, Lord. Help me to realize that as I continue on this journey.

The last thing I spoke with the counselor about is the one that is honestly the hardest thing for me, and it is something I will have to learn to deal with over time. It is the prayer request I have for everyone who wants to know how they can pray for me right now.

Pray for me to learn to love Mikah without hurting so deeply for Khoen.

You may not really understand what I mean, but I'll try to explain. I was overwhelming myself by thinking now about each of Mikah's birthdays; his graduations; his first steps; his first sports; his first EVERYTHING; and how painful it was going to be for me to watch each of these things with a smile, and not just cry, cry, cry over Khoen not being beside him. He is a TWIN.

But, I don't want Mikah to think I love him less than I did Khoen, because that isn't valid. I love all of my children equally. I hurt for Khoen right now, so I cry for him...just as I would any of my children who weren't here with me.

I don't want to spend each of Mikah's important life moments crying. I want to learn how to honor both Mikah AND Khoen on those days, and that's what I struggle with now. Today, I'm not there. Tomorrow, I won't be there. On Mikah and Khoen's first birthday, I can tell you I highly doubt I will be there. But, I will be trying, and praying relentlessly for His widsom in how to achieve that.

And I know, through His perfect will, I will get there. I just need time. For His grace is sufficient for me....I have to keep remembering that.

And today, I'm praying hard for my friends who have lost their little ones to remember that as well. It's hard, and I'm not perfect. I have spent more time crying than smiling even AFTER the counseling appointment. But through time, together, we will learn how to go on, and feel at peace. Because Hannah, and Ashley, his grace is sufficient for ALL of us. And He is walking us through.

And Khoen, Raidyn, and Chloe are leading our way. <3 I love you all, I really do.

Happy Fathers Day from Heaven

Today was Father's Day, and it was tough. And as hard as it was for me, I know it was twice as hard for Dustin. I was able to snap a picture of Dustin holding Makenna, Kaisyn, and Mikah, and I will treasure it forever. But as much as it makes me smile, it still makes me cry.

I just want so much for Khoen to be in the picture, too. I know he can't be...won't be...but I want it so bad. And Dustin did, too. More than anything.

We let the girls swim outside for a long while this afternoon, and even put Mikah into the pool for the first time. He actually liked it! And, of course, the girls loved it. They are little water-bugs. :)

Afterwards, Kenna and I were swinging on my parents backyard swing, just talking and looking at the clouds. She told me she was sad, and when I asked her why, she told me she wanted Khoen to come back from Heaven. For some reason, it hit me in the gut. Not only because I wanted NOTHING more than the exact same thing, but because it was hard to hear my 3 year old missing her baby brother so much.

We talked for a while about Heaven, and how happy Khoen is there. I told her that she can talk to him whenever she misses him, and tell him, and he can hear her...she just can't hear his response. But I told her that he sends her butterflies to make her smile, and remind her that he is still here with her. We saw a tiny, blue baby butterfly, and it landed RIGHT next to us on the grass. Kenna was so excited, and I was even able to get close to it and take a picture. She kept telling Khoen thank you and that she loved him and missed him. It made me both smile and tear up at the same time.

Kenna has been talking to me a lot about Heaven lately. In a way, she has developed a fear of it, and I'm trying to work with her to get her past that. But its hard with her being only 3.

She loved my grandmom and grandad so much, and was always so excited to go to their house, or even to visit my grandmom in the hospital during her stays. And when grandad died, she handled it decently. She didn't fully understand at first, but was happy to go visit grandmom in the hospital. I think she still just thought he was on more of a "vacation" and she would just see him eventually.

But when grandmom died, it was a little harder for her. A little more real. She realized we weren't going to their house anymore. We weren't visiting the hospital anymore. We weren't calling them on the phone anymore just to chat, which Kenna LOVED and grandmom did, too. And she told us often that she missed them.

At the time, we had explained to her that when people get older, Jesus eventually calls them to live with him, and be happy and carefree, and in no more pain. Of course, she didn't fully grasp that, either. But she was able to realize what we meant when we told her grandmom could walk again, and was able to dance and was feeling so good now. That thought made her happy.

Then, Khoen passed away. She didn't understand while we were driving home from Charleston. She didn't understand when we were going to his funeral, and when we were all crying constantly for the first week. She is just now beginning to see that she is here, Kaisyn is here, and Mikah is here....they are doing fun things, playing outside, swimming, etc.....and Khoen is gone.

And she hurts for him, too. That is hard for me as a mommy as well. But seeing her excitement when we saw that butterfly, and all the other ones we have seen around her yard, makes me feel a little better. She knows that those are Khoen's way of making her smile and telling her he loves her and misses her, and she loves that. That is what is making her feel better, and is getting her through this.

Tonight, just before the sun was setting, we went to visit Khoen. And it was harder this time then it has been the past few days that I've been. I cried harder this time. I longed for my little boy a little more this time. Actually, I don't think the longing ever lets up. But still, tonight was exceptionally painful.

Mostly because when it was time to go, it was like, "Ok, Kenna and Kaisyn, tell baby brother bye. Mikah, tell Khoen you love him and will see him soon."

.....

That alone just hurts. To tell my other kids to tell him see you soon. Why can't I just bring him home with us? Why do I have to visit him in a cemetary? WHY IS MY SON NOT IN MY ARMS?

I have to calm myself down in those moments of extreme frustration and pain and anger, all in one, with strength that can ONLY come from the Lord. Because I am telling you now, that strength doesn't come from me alone. It can't.

Sometimes I have moments where I feel so broken and so hurt that I want to just lay down and do nothing, and just cry and beg for Heaven. No, I don't want to die. I don't want to leave my other kids and my husband, or anyone else in my family. Or my friends. But boy, do I want to be with Khoen.

Kenna's fear of Heaven has mainly been that she doesn't want to lose me. She has begged me more than once in the past 2 weeks, with tears in her eyes, not to go to Heaven. "Then I won't have a mommy anymore, just like I don't have a Khoen anymore."

Ouch. I can just feel her pain, and I hate it. I have tried to explain that I will be here with her until she is all grown up, and she doesn't have to worry about that. Mommy isn't leaving. But that is a fear of hers now that I can't remove, only God can through time. She lost her great grandparents and baby brother so close together, and that is a LOT for her little mind to grasp. And I hate that for her.

That is just another reason for me to be so strong right now, even when I feel like I can't. Even when I feel like I want to hit my knees and stay there....like I have no strength to go on. I have to. For Makenna. For Kaisyn. For Mikah. For Dustin. For my parents. For my sister and brother in law. For my niece and nephew. For my cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and friends. For everyone.

And also, for Khoen. Because I want him to be proud of me when I see him again. I want HIM to know that I'm strong, and him to say, "See, Mommy? I knew you could do it. I was with you the whole time, and I am so lucky to be your son."

I am so lucky Khoen is my son. And I love him, and miss him so much.

Before I retire to feed Mikah and put him to sleep, I have to share a funny story. Well, funny to me....

As I gave Kenna her bath, she kept yawning, but would answer no when I asked if she was tired. She never likes to admit to being tired....she is a little ball of energy! But finally, when we were about to drain the water, she said, "Mommy, I'm avented." ...I asked her two times what she meant, and she just kept repeating "avented," haha. So I asked if she meant exhausted, and she said, "No, no no no, Mommy, avented. You know, like when you're really tired and just want to go to sleep." I tried telling her the word really was exhausted, but she would NOT let it go. I love her vocabulary, and even her stubborness to be correct. I love everything about that little girl, her sister, and her twin brothers.

On that note, this "avented" mommy is going to get everything settled, and get herself into bed! Happy Father's Day to all, and have a good night!

Missing you, Kho....see you soon. Love you, cuddlebug. <3

One More Thing....

I've already written my post for the day, and don't have too many thoughts in my head. But, I wanted to share something that has REALLY made me smile tonight! When I was staying with my sweet little Khoen in Hemby Childrens Hospital, I had the amazing opporunity to meet the STRONGEST little girl I know. Her name is Gabby, and she is fighting leukemia. Her family has been through so much, and Miss Gabby has been such a fighter through it all. And finally, after 2 rounds of chemotherapy......SHE HAS GONE INTO REMISSION! I have been praying nonstop for Gabby and her family since she was first diagnosed, at just 6 months old. And knowing that she is kicking cancer to the curb, and showing everyone just how strong, and determined, she is! Sometimes, in the midst of dealing with loss and grieving my little Khoen, its hard to remember just for amazing God is. Yes, I've always known that God is SO good. But, my heart has been broken. I've been missing my baby. I've been constantly questioning why.But God has answered the prayers of so many, and is helping this little girl win her fight. And I promise you, my little Khoen is watching over her every step of the way! So tonight, I've been reminded of just how good God is. And I'm a little jealous that Khoen does get to spend eternity at the feet of such an amazing man! Missing you, Khoen! I love you always, baby boy! <3

My Broken Smile.

I can't believe it's really been two weeks since I last saw my little boy. Tomorrow is actually two weeks since he went to live with Jesus, but today is my two week mark. And it isn't being so nice to me this morning.

I never imagined two weeks ago that my world could EVER change in such a way. I never imagined that I even COULD lose a child, and have my heart broken so painfully. But I'm trying my best to wear my broken smile today, for the sake of Makenna, Kaisyn, and little Mikah.

Last night, I took Makenna to Chick-fil-A to eat and play with my sister and nephew, Jackson. A family friend, Amanda, met us there with her two kids, Ryder and Reese. Makenna had SO much fun...it was her first time playing on a restaurant playground.

She met another little girl with her name there, and had to run up to me yelling, "Mommy! There is really another Makenna! She is REALLY Makenna like me!" It was pretty adorable. :)

To see Makenna running around, with her big smile and not another care in the world at the time, was good for me. I need to see my kids still happy.

When I have my rough moments, and can't seem to stop the tears from flowing, Makenna will hug me often and ask me if I'm still crying because I miss Khoen so much. I try to explain to her that I'm just sad, but mommy is ok. I don't want her to think that my hurt for Khoen overpowers my love for her, Kaisyn, and Mikah. It doesn't. It's just harder to cope with right now, and that makes it harder on me.

And after I finally DO stop crying, Makenna will approach me and ask me if I'm happy now. And somehow, I'm able to tell her yes, I'm happy, and go play with her again.

It's hard trying to find a balance of how much I can cry without affecting my other kids, and how to try and smile through my sadness in order to keep them feeling happy. But, I'm trying.

On Wednesday, Dustin and I blew up the little 3-ring inflatable pool we bought for the kids, and put it out in my parents backyard. Makenna and Kaisyn could barely wait until it was full of water to get in and play. We haven't been swimming at a real pool this summer...although we have one in our neighborhood, it was always a little scary for me to think of having to watch both girls in the water, even with Dustin in too, and still try to manage both boys outside of the pool. So we were waiting until a little further into the summer.

Anyways, they splashed and played, and had such a good time. And the whole time we were out there, a white butterfly kept flying around the yard. It would come kind of close to us, then go explore my dads garden. But, the entire time we were outside, it was there. It never left.

Yesterday, we went out to swim in that little pool again, joined by my neice and nephew. And again, that white butterfly was there the whole time, exploring every inch of my parents backyard. And somehow, it made me smile. We called it the Khoen butterfly, and it kind of brought us all comfort. My nephew just loved it, and later that night when he saw just a regular fly, he informed me that it, too, was a "Khoen Fly." He is too cute.

How a butterfly can make me feel so much comfort when it comes to missing Khoen while playing with my other kids, I'm not really sure. But I'm taking it as my sign from God that Khoen is in his arms, and Khoen is ok.

Sometimes, I still find myself feeling some anger, and asking God Why? Why would you take my sweet Khoen, God? Why do I have to hurt so much? My family was perfect to me!

But, then I remind myself that Khoen is with God now. How can I feel anger towards the One who has my baby in his arms? I can't. I can do nothing but praise Him, because my son is with him, and I can't wait to see him again. And even through the hardest, roughest times in grieving my sweet boy, I have to remind myself that he is still here. He will always be here. He will ALWAYS be in my heart, and watching over me.

I love you so much, Khoen, and missing you I don't believe will ever get any easier. But mommy is trying so hard to be strong not only for your sisters and your twin brother, but also for you. I'll see you soon, Kho. And until then, keep us safe. I love you. <3

Back to Reality......Maybe?

Today was the first day that my parents returned to work, and it was just Dustin and me alone with the kids. And to be honest, it felt just weird.

Don't get me wrong, I am so blessed to have Makenna, Kaisyn, and Mikah. And it was nice to spend today just loving on them, and playing with them, and seeing them smile. But, it didn't feel complete.

I just felt this overwhelming sensation of emptiness. I don't like this so called "new normal" that I'm expected to find. I loved staying home with my four kids, and enjoying each day with them. I loved spending time with Mikah and Khoen before the girls got up, and I loved the hectic chaos of my home once all four kids were up and running.

And even with 3 kids on full blast, it seems too quiet, empty, and lonely. I miss Khoen.

I don't think I ever will find a "new normal." My normal was taken away too soon. And completely unexpectedly.

Not only am I tired of this feeling of emptiness which I don't think will ever go away, but I'm tired of people saying, "Well, Khoen did have problems, didn't he? I mean, he had issues with his heart and breathing, right?"

......

How am I supposed to respond? Ok, yes, Khoen was on a heart/apnea monitor. He came home from the NICN after 35 days on his monitor. And I hated that thing...I hated the cords that were always being tripped over, I hated the open sores that the belt wore into my baby's little side.

But, Khoen's monitor didn't go off very often, and none in the month before he passed. Khoen's monitor NEVER went off to tell us he had an apnea alarm, only that his heart rate dropped when he got into too deep of a sleep. And only once, maybe twice, did we ever actually have to stir him, and make him wake up, to make his heart rate come back up. Khoen always self corrected, which made the doctors very happy.

And his bradys were due to PREMATURITY, not a heart defect that we knew of.

......

I think my point is that just because my baby had a monitor, just because he did have some issues with his heart rate due to him being born early, that does NOT mean I expected to lose him! That does NOT mean it makes this any easier, or that I can say "Well, at least he's not in pain any longer."

Number one, Khoen wasn't in pain that I knew of before his death.

And number two, even if he had been in pain ever in his life, I was his mommy. I wanted to comfort him, to make his tears disappear, to make him feel safe.

The fact that Khoen MAY have had some unknown issue that caused his death, and could have explained his heart and breathing issues he had since birth that his twin brother didn't have, doesn't make this any easier.

This morning, I was able to read the blog of another mother who lost a child. I hate that I know her pain, and that she knows mine. But, I feel blessed to have read it.

She had posted a poem not long after her beautiful son passed, and I want to share it, because right now, it describes almost exactly how I feel. So, here it is:

Unless you've lost a child..... ....then
Don't ask us if we are over it yet. We'll never be over it. A part of us died with our child. Don't tell us they are in a better place. They are not here with us, where they belong. Don't say at least they are not suffering. We haven't come to terms with why they suffered at all.
Don't tell us at least we have other children. Which of your children would you have sacrificed?
Don't ask us if we feel better. Bereavement isn't a condition that clears up.
Don't force your beliefs on us. Not all of us have the same faith.
Don't tell us at least we had our child for so many years (or months...). What year would you choose for your child to die?
Don't tell us God never gives us more than we can bear. Right now, we don't feel we can handle anything else.
Don't avoid us. We don't have a contagious disease, just unbearable pain.
Don't tell us you know how we feel, unless you have lost a child. No other loss can compare to losing a child. It's not the natural order of things.
Don't take our anger personally. We don't know who we are angry at or why, and lash out at those closest to us.
Don't whisper behind us when we enter a room. We are in pain, but not deaf.
Don't stop calling us after the initial loss. Our grief does not stop there, and we need to know others are thinking of us.
Don't be offended when we don't return calls right away. We take each moment as it comes, and some are worse than others.
Don't tell us to get on with our lives. We each grieve differently and in our own time frame. Grief can not be governed by any clock or calendar.
*******
Do say you are sorry. We're sorry, too, and you saying that you share our sorrow is far better than saying any of those cliches you don't really mean anyway. Just say you're sorry.
Do put your arms around us and hold us. We need your strength to get us through each day.
Do say you remember our child, if you do. Memories are all we have left and we cherish them.
Do let us talk about our child. Our child lived and still lives on in our hearts, forever.
Do mention our child's name. It will not make us sad or hurt our feelings.
Do let us cry. Crying is an important part of the grief process. Cry with us if you want to. Do remember us on special dates. Our child's birth date, death date, and holidays are a very lonely and difficult time for us without our child.
Do send us cards on those dates saying you remember our child. We do.
Do show our family that you care. Sometimes we forget to do that in our own pain.
Do be thankful for children. Nothing hurts us worse than seeing other people in pain.


To me, those are some pretty truthful and powerful words. Mainly the part about remembering Khoen, and talking about him. Saying his name. Yes, I may sometimes cry. But you dont know how much it means to me for me to feel like people remember Khoen, and love him, and want to talk about him or acknowledge him.

He is REAL, and he will always be real to me.

In another one of her blogs, she spoke about how life was going to go on with or without her, and its true. The days are going to continue to pass, whether I'm laughing or crying, standing tall or on my knees in pain. And I have to find a way to continue, too.

But I haven't found that way yet. I haven't figured out how to just smile and pretend I'm ok. I'm not ok. I don't know when or if I will ever feel ok again.

What is ok anymore? Because I'm not sure I know.

All I can feel is Khoen. I miss him. I love him. I long for him. I hurt for him. My heart is broken for him. I need my son.

I have faith in God, and I have faith that someday, maybe, I will be able to make some sense of this. Not fully understand it....I don't think I could ever fully understand why Khoen had to leave this earth so soon. But I know that God is good, and loves me. And that as much as I love Khoen, God loves him more.

Thats hard to believe sometimes, because my love is so deep. But I know that it's true.

I am also thankful for my friend, Ashley Friel, who also, unfortunately, can understand my pain. And as crazy as it may sound to some people, I find comfort in knowing that my precious Khoen is buried almost directly beside her sweet Chloe. And if I can say anything about her, I can tell you that Chloe is one extremely lucky little girl. She has one strong, sweet mama, and I love her mommy very much. And Chloe is going to be so proud when she gets to become a big sister one day.

And I'm thankful that I've had the opportunity to become friends with someone I've never actually gotten to meet. But I can tell you that she is so sweet, and I am so sorry that she can also understand my pain, and fully relate to me. She lost her 7 month old son, Raidyn, and it's just so unfair. And lately, it seems like when I'm crying, she's crying too. And when I feel like I'm going crazy and don't know where to turn, she's right there feeling the SAME way. And I appreciate that I can talk to her, and we are going to try to help each other through this.

And Hannah, I hope you know I am here for you, and will be here for you, Always. Raidyn is so proud of you, and loves you so much. And while I hurt not only for Khoen, but also for Ashley, Hannah, and Katie, my Khoen is blessed to have such sweet friends like Chloe, Raidyn,and Jake in Heaven.

And we sure have some amazing, beautiful angels.

Saturdays

I used to love weekends, and Saturdays were always fun to me.

It's when I would spend the most time playing outside with my kids, visiting with family, and being together as a family of 6.

Now, saturdays make me feel so sick, and I dread each one that comes.

Today marks a week since my baby went to heaven. And today, all I seem to be able to feel is frustration.

I am so blessed to have twins, and I was ecstatic. My whole life, since I was tiny, I wanted twins. I used to know a set of twin boys at my church growing up. They were a good bit younger than me, but I helped out in their bible school class each year. And I always told my mom I wanted twins just like them.

Of course, we all saw that as highly unlikely, since twins didn't run in our family. Then, when I found out there was not one, but TWO babies in my belly, I was so overjoyed that it overcame all the fears of having another baby while Kaisyn was still so young.

I wanted my twins so badly. Not only did I want them, but once they were here, I needed them. And I was looking so forward to watching them grow up together.

I loved comparing their heights and weights at doctors appointments. I loved guessing which sports Khoen would play, and which ones Mikah would love. I was honestly excited about every aspect of their lives, and being a part of it all.

And our family felt so complete, so perfect. I had my 2 perfect, precious girls, and my 2 perfect, sweet boys. I wanted no more children, I was truly happy.

And being a stay at home mom to them was a dream come true. Sure, it could be overwhelming.....Kenna would be acting out for attention, Kaisyn would be trying to escape the gates holding her in the living room, and both boys would be screaming. Or sometimes, all four kids would be crying, and it was hard to know who to calm first.

But to me, it was perfect. And I wouldnt have changed a thing.

Yesterday morning, I went to watch my niece graduate from McAdenville Elementary. I am so proud of her, and amazed by how much she has grown. And it was awesome to watch.

However, at the end of the ceremony, they played a video. In it, they showed a baby picture of each child, and then a picture of them now. That hit me hard, knowing I wouldn't see that "now" picture of Khoen when he should be gratuating from elementary school....or even preschool.

And last night, I went to watch as my cousin graduated from South Point High School. Once again, I was so proud of him, and it was nice to be there to watch. But as I watched each of the graduates walk across the stage, it hit me again.

I realized how hard it will be as I watch my sweet little Mikah graduate, because I want so badly for Khoen to be in line right next to him.

That's where my frustration comes in today. I am so frustrated that I dont get to celebrate all the little things in Khoens life. I'm sad that his life here on earth is over. I never used to talk about my babies graduations....I always said I didn't want to think about it, because I wanted them to grow up slowly. But this morning it seems to be all I can think about.

Don't get me wrong, I will be SO proud of Mikah when he walks across the stage, and I will celebrate with him, and make sure he knows that not only am I proud, but Khoen is proud, too. I just pray Mikah lives his life to make Khoen proud, in a way. I pray he works hard to do amazing things, because Khoen never had the opportunity to.

I'm not gonna lie.....there are so many times right now I just want to get my shovel, run to the cemetary, get my baby outta there, and fix all this, and just make my life ok again.

But for what? Even if I did (which I never would, don't worry.....I'm not crazy, haha) Khoen would still be gone. I know that's just his earthly body, but I can't tell you I don't miss that as well.

I miss his soft, perfect skin. His chubby cheeks and legs. The little birthmarks, one on his left thigh, and one on his left knee. I miss his perfect little hands, and the way they held my finger as I fed him, or held onto my shirt as we cuddled. He always held onto me.

I miss his toothless smile, and how happy I felt when he flashed it at me. His little voice when he would "talk" to me. I even miss his cry, so much. Khoen cried a lot, but he had a very queit cry. A perfect cry.

I miss rubbing his little head as he fell asleep in my arms. I miss kissing him, dressing him, even the dirty diapers. I miss his perfect feet, and the way he would wiggle if you ran your finger along the bottom of them.

I miss that tiny bit of hair, brown hair, on his head. I miss those big, sweet, blue eyes, and how happy they looked when he saw me.

Now, I even miss the annoyingness of carrying a heart monitor everywhere. I miss every little detail that made Khoen who he was.

Khoen really was a momma's boy. And I miss that most of all. I miss how he would get so calm when I held him....it was as if he felt safe once he was in my arms, and he could go right to sleep.

One of the nights I stayed with him a while back at Hemby Children's Hospital, we had a really sweet nurse who recognized how much Khoen just wanted mommy. He was fine when I held him, but if I tried to lay him down at all so I could rest my eyes, he would get upset. And poor thing had IVs and monitors, and bandaids from shots and pricks, so I didn't want him to be upset. I just kept holding him.

This particular nurse came and put the rails up on the hospital bed that was in the room for me to sleep in, and told me just to put him in my bed with me for the night. She said if I couldn't lay him down, just to snuggle him all night, and try to get some sleep. I had been up for over 48 hours, so I took her advice.

That night was the first night Khoen ever slept through the night.

He would wake up and start to wiggle, and then just grab my shirt and go back to sleep. I am so thankful I had that night, but you have no idea what I would give just to do it one more time.

Its weird, though. When the twins were first born, I always worried a little more about Khoen. Mikah never had issues....he didn't have bradys, he ate well, he was breathing on his own from the start, and he was just the definition of a strong little boy.

But Khoen did have bradys, he couldn't eat well, and he scared me. I started having nightmares after their birth, and they were always about Khoen passing away. And they scared the living hell out of me, excuse my language. I would wake up crying, and immediately call the NICN to see if he was ok.

Once we brought Khoen home, I stopped having the nightmares. But, I was always too scared to leave Khoen, even for a little while. Khoen never stayed with a babysitter. If I had to make a late-night walmart run, Khoen went with me. Not because I didn't want to take Mikah, but I knew Mikah was ok, and I wad scared to leave Khoen.

When the opportunity arose to take the girls to the beach, I prayed hard about it. And I cried at the thought of leaving both my babies for an overnight trip. But, a peace came over me, and I honestly felt ok leaving, almost like it was what I was supposed to do.

I was just trying to spend some time with my girls, and show them I love them and that they are still just as special to me.

Now, I feel guilty for leaving, and I struggle with that guilt 24/7. I should have been here to save Khoen, to protect my baby. But Dustin is a good daddy, the best daddy. And Khoen was in good hands, he really was.

I just want to watch my boys grow up together. And now, I can't. My family doesn't feel complete. I feel broken. But having another baby in a few years doesn't feel like the answer, because it still wouldn't be Khoen. I can't say we won't ever have another baby now, though. I could when Kho was here, but I can't now.

I know I can't have Khoen back, but that's all I want. I'm angry, frustrated, sick, sad, broken......I still can't eat. I still struggle to sleep. I still cry more than I do anything else.

And then I have my moments where I'm ok, and can smile, and can remember Khoen and just be happy he was mine. But I will never be the same. And, even with all the love and support, I can't help but feel alone. Only because my heart just wants Khoen, so it blocks out everyone else.

When I'm having a stronger moment and can push past that, I feel how much love is around me, and I couldn't be more thankful. And I can honestly feel all the prayers....they are what's helping me have the strength to smile while I play with my girls, and rock Mikah without wanting to scream for Khoen at the top of my lungs.

Khoen is now my guardian angel, and an inspiration for me to live my life to make him, and God, proud.

I want my son back.
I want my baby back.
I want to watch him grow.
I want to raise twins.
I want people to look at me as a mommy of twins.
I want KHOEN.

I love you always, Kho. I will never stop missing you. And I can't wait to see you again. Love you so, so much, baby boy.

116 Days.

116 days.

That seems like a long time.

It's only 64 days less than a school year, and we all know those seem to drag on forever.

But, when it marks the number of days from when you brought your baby into the world to the time you bury him in his grave, it seems like the blink of an eye.

Today was miserably hard for me. It was amazing to see so many of our family and friends there to show us their love and support. But I can't deny that my instinct was to scream out at the top of my lungs, rescue my sweet baby, and just run away...as far as I could go.

I had to keep reminding myself that Khoen is no longer the one who needs to be rescued. Khoen is, in a way, the lucky one. He is living in eternal happiness, and can feel no pain, and can sit all day at the feet of Jesus, and listen as He tells him how much Khoen is loved. I am the one who feels as if I need to be rescued. But, I trust in the goodness of God, and I'm trying to be strong through that.

I still feel SO angry. Not at anyone, not at God, just angry. And I struggle with new fears that I never had before.

I am terrified that if Mikah is out of my sight, he is going to disappear. I know its irrational...but in a way, that's what happened with Khoen.

I pray that Khoen does know how deeply I love him. It hurts how much I love him, and not even including the pain of losing him. Just the amount of love alone hurts, because its so much it makes my heart feel as though it could burst.

And now, the strength of my feeling of emptiness from missing him so immensely hurts just as much. I really miss that little boy. Khoen was perfect. He truly was. And boy, what an angel I have.

His service was beautiful, despite the rain. I'm so thankful for the words Dr. Ammons shared about my Khoen. And the funeral home really made his bulletins perfect. I was so happy they actually put Khoens little footprints behind the sweet poem that went in it.

(Thanks, Uncle Ronnie, for the poem. :) )

For those of you who couldn't attend, here's what it says:

"These are my tiny footprints,
So perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
Never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
For now I have my wings.
These tiny footprints,
Were meant for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints
In the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angels tears,
Of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints
In each butterflies lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
If you just give me the chance.
You will hear my tiny footprints
In the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
And call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints
Are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.
'Cause even though I'm gone now,
We'll never truly part."
-Unknown Author.

Amazing. And so perfect for Khoen.

And the song my sweet cousin sang, beautiful. Mercy Me-Homesick.

I went back and visited my sweet Khoen this evening, as the day was coming to an end. It was bittersweet. I don't like visiting Khoen there....I'd much rather have him here with me. But, I'm happy to have a place to sit with him, and talk to him, and tell him all about his sisters and brother.

Missing Khoen is never going to get better. So I'm going to do my best to enjoy my time on earth with my other babies, and look forward to seeing sweet Khoen again, and NEVER letting him go. I love you forever and always, Kho. Take care of that piece of my heart you have....it belongs only to you. I miss you deeply. Love you cuddlebug.

What I wouldn't give to cuddle with you right now.....

My World Turned Upside Down: Khoen's Story

My world has been forever changed.

I've been sitting here alone for a while, just thinking, and remembering my precious little boy. I thought maybe writing a little about him may help me get my feelings out a little better.

On February 3, 2012, I was hospitalized due to going into premature labor at just 32 weeks pregnant with my sweet twin boys. I spent 3 nights there, hooked up to IV's and on medicines that made me feel so icky. And on Monday, February 6, they allowed me to go home.

I was still having contractions, but they were few and far between. Of course I was to be on complete bedrest, but we thought we would make it a few more weeks, for the babies sake.

That night, things went as they normally would.....we had dinner as a family with the girls, put them into bed, and I laid watching a movie with my husband/best friend. My shoulder started to hurt severely, to where I couldn't even fall asleep. But I took some tylenol, took a bath, and tried to just ignore it.

I finally fell asleep around 6am. Dustin let me sleep until I woke up, which was about 2 that Tuesday afternoon. Then it began.....

I awoke feeling VERY sick on my stomach, so I went straight to the bathroom, thinking a bath would possibly help. It usually did. Dustin started the tub, and I called my sister just to talk.

As I stepped into the tub, I had a stabbing pain in my lower stomach, and a gush of water.....my water broke. I panicked, but before I could fully even focus, the contractions began.....

It was a few minutes after 3:30, and my mother was leaving school to drive us to CMC to deliver the babies. By now, my contractions were about a minute apart, lasting around a minute to a minute and a half each, and I was in extreme pain. I couldn't walk, or talk. And we thought about calling 911.

My mom pulled in at a quarter to 4, and we headed straight to the hospital, with my sister either leading in front of us, or following behind....I was in so much pain that I honestly can't remember. I just knew I was glad she was coming with us.

The whole ride, I would scream through contractions. The pain was excruciating, and they were coming every 30 seconds and lasting what felt like an eternity. I thought the boys were going to come out in he car, because the need to push was overwhelming.

When we pulled up at the emergency room 30 minutes later, they took me straight on a stretcher up to the 8th floor, labor and delivery. And yes, I screamed through the halls of the hospital, too. The doctor wanted to check my progress while in the elevator (surrounded by the other 30+ doctors and nurses that had come running), but I told him if I let him check, the babies were coming out. So he said to hold on til we got upstairs.

The minute we got into the observation area, he began to check me....and Mikah James McGinnis was born into his hands, completely butt-first breech, at 4:45 pm. He was 4lbs even, and doing well. So they focused on baby boy #2.

His heart rate was dropping, and a quick ultrasound determined the cord was wrapped around his neck twice. So they immediately told me I would undergo an emergency c-section. Although I was under anesthesia and didn't see him right away, the beautiful Khoen Lee McGinnis made his entrance to the world at 4:59pm, weighing in at 4 pounds 6 ounces.

I had to recover for a full 24 hours before I could visit the NICN and see my boys. Although Khoen is a twin, and I love Mikah equally as much, I want to focus this story on Khoen, I guess kind of as a tribute to him.

The first day of his life, little Khoen had to have a little extra help breathing, but only with added oxygen. He was never on a ventilator, and was such a strong little guy. As all preemies, he lost some weight at first, but began to slowly, steadily gain it back.

He was healthy; breathing on his own, holding down his feedings (although he couldn't bottle feed yet, only had a feeding tube), and just growing and amazing us each day.

When he was moved into the PICN and into a bassinet rather than an incubator, we were able to interact with him more. We got to try bottles with him, and he eventually caught on. It was like one day, he couldn't and wouldn't latch on....and the next day, he was a perfect little eater. And a hungry guy, too! He always had a bigger appetite than his big bro.

Kho was the second to come home. The night before he was released, I was able to room in with him, and focus only on that sweet little boy. And he was PERFECT for me! He ate and slept, and even let mommy sleep some, too. It was such an incredible night, and a beloved memory to me.

Once he was home, our family felt complete. We were so excited to have our 4 kids, and our perfect family, with 2 girls and 2 boys. And the twins were an amazing blessing, and an example of God's incredible love.

Each day, Khoen grew and thrived. He was on a heart/apnea monitor, because he would still occasionally forget to breathe, and have a bradycardia, where his heart rate dropped too low. It was scary at first, but in time, we had less and less alarms from his monitor.

In the last 2 weeks, the monitor started to give him open sores on his little side, and make him bleed. And he wasn't having alarms. So his pediatrician had said we could leave him off of it if he was awake, or if he was in the room with us while he was sleeping.

Along the way, Khoen had some bumps in the road. He seemed to constantly have a diaper rash, and we tried everything from prescription creams, special baths, and sensitive diapers to help him feel better. And we managed to keep them under control.

He also had an episode where he ran a fever and wouldn't wake up for a little over 24 hours, and I stayed by his side at Hemby Children's Hospital the whole time. He underwent spinal taps, blood cultures, urine cultures, IVs, medicines.....he was poked so many times, and we went home with a happy Khoen, and a diagnosis of we-arent-really-sure-maybe-a-virus. We weren't so pleased.

And soon after, his soft spot began to bulge, then sink in. We took him to his doctor, and had an untrasound done of his little brain. One doctor told us yes, he had fluid on his brain. Another told us he was fine, there was nothing concerning. But all doctors agreed there was nothing further to be done at the time, we would just watch as he grew, and he should grow out of it. So we relaxed and enjoyed Khoen.

He was the first to start smiling, and I swear to you his smile could make the worst days seem so much better. What I wouldn't give to see that smile right now...

He also laughed for the first time on May 31, just 3 days ago. And it was at me playing patty cake with him, then barely tickling him. He was loving it. And trust me, IT MADE MY DAY.

I was constantly taking pictures of Khoen, which I am so thankful for now. And even have a few little videos of him "talking" to me. He had the sweetest coo.

Khoen was by far our easiest baby....he was happy, but spoiled. He was the only child I have who enjoyed cuddling, so he had the name of "mommys cuddlebug". He was a momma's boy, and had his spells where only I was the key to calming him down. He could cry, and cry, and as soon as I held him, he was all smiles. Big, sweet, toothless Khoen smiles.

I'm not sure of Khoens exact weight, and I'm praying I can find out. At his last doctors appointment on May 15, he was 11 lbs 15 oz. I'm almost positive he was over 14 lbs. He was such a great eater, and growing so quickly. He was finally getting some little chubby rolls.

I loved running errands with just Khoen....he would smile up at me from his carseat in the buggy every time I would look at him. He was perfect.

On Friday, June 1, my friend Victoria and I took my girls and her son to the beach for a night. Dustin and I knew it would be impossible to make a family trip this summer, the boys were just too little. And Kenna had been begging to go to the beach. Plus, Michael (Victorias son, and kennas friend) had never been. And I knew Kaisyn would love it, and just wanted to see her reaction to the ocean and the sand.

It was so hard for me to leave Mikah, Khoen, and Dustin. But it was just from Friday morning until around 3 Saturday, which was when we planned to be home. And I knew that the twins were in good hands, Dustin is an amazing daddy. He really is.

So Friday morning, I kissed each of the boys goodbye, and told them each to behave for their daddy. They were both still asleep, and looked so sweet and peaceful. Had I known it would be the last time I would see sweet Khoen alive, I would have picked him up and squeezed him and loved on him and kissed him and made him smile, and canceled the trip just to spend time with him.

But he was perfectly fine, and healthy. He wasn't sick. He was the normal, sweet, absolutely adorable, chubby cheeked Khoen.

We had a great day in Charleston Friday, and the kids loved the beach! Kaisyn would have crawled off into the ocean if I'd let her, and although Kenna wasn't an ocean fan, she adored playing in the sand. They were on top of the world.

I spoke with Dustin multiple times, and he and the twins were doing great at home. They had some male bonding time.

I woke up around 8 Saturday morning by Kenna asking if it was time for breakfast. I texted Dustin, but he didn't respond. I didn't think much of it....maybe they were all still sleeping.

About 8:30, my mom called. I answered, and my world flipped upside down.

"Khoen is in the hospital...he wasn't breathing well."

This was the first thing I heard.

Of course, I panicked. I woke Victoria and the other kids up so quickly, and said we had to head home, NOW. I still had hope he was alive, and the doctors would fix him, and he would be home soon after.

Then, I called Dustin. He didn't answer. I called my dad, who was with Dustin.

My dad was crying. And he doesn't cry. I was petrified.

I immediately asked him if Khoen was ok, and his response was just....

"no."

My heart stopped, and I felt like all the breathe had been knocked out of me as I hit my knees. I asked him if Khoen was alive, and he had to tell me the hardest thing that I have ever had to hear.

My sweet, perfect, adorable little Khoen, was gone.

I felt so sick to my stomach, and I could do nothing but scream. I screamed and cried, and punched the hotel bed, while Victoria so graciously packed all our things and loaded the car.

The ride home was the longest, most painful ride of my life. Yes, more painful than when I was in labor.

Since I've been home, my world doesn't seem right. I haven't gotten to see Khoen, and I am a bag of mixed emotions. It's so much harder than people may realize to look at Mikah, and feel like his other half, the 2nd part of his little world, is gone.

How do I go from making 2 bottles per feeding to just 1? How do I choose only one outfit for one little boy? I don't know how to do it. I want my second little son back. I want normal back.

I WANT KHOEN BACK.

Kenna keeps telling us Khoen is crying in heaven, and wants to come home. I've tried explaining that he is happy, and pain free, and with God now, but she wants him back, too. How do you tell your 3 year old that one of her baby brothers is really gone? He's really not coming back. That hurts so deeply.

Even though I can stand outside in the sunlight, blue sky overhead full of puffy clouds, and grass, trees, and life all around me, my whole world looks gray, dull, and lifeless. It's hard to eat, its hard to breathe, and every time I feel ok for a second, reality hits all over again.

I'm constantly sick, and my heart feels broken. I am blessed to have still have my other children to care for and love on, and I will still be the best mommy I can be for them, and the mommy they deserve. And I am here for my husband who unfortunately had to find sweet Khoen.

Dustin said he laid them down at 10:30 like usual, and checked on them at 2 am, just like we do every night now that they sleep 8 hours.

At 6, he woke up, and went straight to make bottles. As he rounded the corner to re-enter the room, he could see Khoens face. He was completely pale, and blue all around his lips. He looked awful.

Dustin ran to him and tried to wake him, and immediately called 911. They shocked him, and tried a ventilator, and did all they could, but my sweet Kho man was gone.

Dustin was aloud to hold him one last time in the hospital, and my dad got to spend a few minutes alone with him as well.

I'm so thankful for so many prayers right now. This is more than hard. And this doesn't just hurt. I feel so broken. I'm lost. And I honestly just want my baby back.

Khoen Lee McGinnis,
You were mommys little cuddlebug, and you were more than perfect. You were so sweet and adorable, and I was looking so forward to watching as you grew. We always thought you would be a soccer or football player, and would totally be a pretty-boy....you were the most handsome little man. You're smile melted my heart, and your voice was the best noise I've ever heard. I will never understand why God took you from me so soon, but he must have so many bigger plans for you. You were the definition of "too perfect for this earth." I will remember you every day, and be sure Mikah knows all about his twin brother. I miss you more than I imagined I could ever miss anything, and a part of my heart went with you when you descended into heaven. Grandmom and Grandad will take care of you until I get there, sweet boy. Mommy loves you so, so much, more than my words can ever say. I selfishly want you here with me, but I know youre happy. And I have an amazing angel, the best there is.

I love you Khoen. I really do.

All that I have now is the 2 outfits he wore that weren't washed before he passed away, his wubbanub monkey passy, and the blanket he was snuggled in when he passed; they all smell like my little boy, and I will hold onto them forever.

I have to go to the funeral home tomorrow, and plan my sons services, where he will be buried, and what I would like him to wear. How do I pick out an outfit to bury my son in? That is so painful.

All I can do us cry and scream his name, and beg for him to come back to me. I know God will get me through this, but this is the toughest one yet.

Please pray for me, my husband, our kids, and our families.

And I will always have 4 kids, not just 3.

Khoen Lee, I love you, and you will forever be mommys baby. Even if you have to be my angel baby now.

I miss you.