Growing up.

Summer is almost over, and this year has flown by so far. My oldest daughter just turned 5, and will be starting kindergarten this year. That just seems unreal. She was just born; she was just learning to walk and talk...and now she is a sweet, smiley, independent little 5 year old, who absolutely can't wait for her first day of school. 

My younger daughter is 2 and a half now, and is so vibrant and full of herself. She is determined that she can do anything her sissy does, and definitely thinks the world revolves around her. She is loud and sassy, but can be the absolute sweetest child you'll ever meet. A true little diva!

And little Mikah....well, isn't so little anymore! He thinks he is a monkey, and builds his own obstacles to climb to get himself as far off the ground as possible. He is spunky and a little over dramatic, with the most high-pitched scream I've ever heard. But he is so sweet, and so much fun to be around. He is talking so well, which sometimes makes me sad. He's my baby, and he is growing too quickly. 

Tonight has been really hard. As I sat thinking of how much those 3 have grown, I found myself listening to 'Hug Him Once For Me' for the millionth time this year.  I remembered how it felt to snuggle with Khoen, and hug him up to me so tightly. I tried to think of how it would feel to hug him now....

Sometimes when I try to imagine how he would look, I just see Mikah. I guess because they are twins. But then I feel sad, because I know he wouldn't look like Mikah. Mikah looks like my girls, with blonde hair and blue eyes. Khoen was opposite. He has brown hair, and dark eyes that were almost blue-brown. He had a different face shape, and a different body type than Mikah. Mikah is tiny, like his oldest sister, Makenna. Khoen was built bigger, like Kaisyn. 

I think that's when things seem to hurt the most; when I realize that I don't know what my own son would look like at 17 months old. I shouldn't have to 'imagine' what my son would look, and feel, and smell, and sound like. I should be able to see it. I should know. I want him here so badly. 

People still tell me all the time how I'm so strong. How all angel mothers are so strong, and they don't see how we do it. People ask me how I get through. Truth is, I don't know. I don't feel strong. I just continue to try and be the mother that my other kids deserve to have. As what Khoen would want. 

But sometimes, we can't be strong, and that's when we need our family and friends the most to carry us through. Tonight, I couldn't be strong. I needed to break down. And usually, that's when I feel Khoen the most. When I'm at my weakest, and I have been crying for hours; not just crying, sobbing...where I can't breathe, and my chest hurts, and my stomach is churning, and I run out of tears. Then, I somehow find myself staring at the sky and smiling. And I have no clue where the smile came from, or how I could possible form one on my face with the hurt that my heart feels. That's when I know Khoen is right beside me, holding my heart, and telling me he is ok, and it's ok to cry. It's ok to miss him. I love that little boy to the moon and back, a million times. 

In the song, it says, 

'And when I get to Heaven, and see all you have done,
I know that I will understand, and to him I will run, 
I'll hug him once for me, 
Hold him up real close,
He'll sit upon my knee, 
And tell me all the things you've taught him, about you,
He'll whisper in my ear, 
One more simple truth,
He'll tell me that he loves you,
And that he loves me too.'

I can't imagine the happiness and the love that I will feel when I can see him again, and run up and grab him into my arms to stay forever. I can't imagine how amazing it will feel to finally hear his little voice, that I never heard here on earth, tell me that he loves me. 

I love you so, so much, Khoen. And I miss you more and more each day. Thank you for hugging my heart tonight, and staying by my side. I want so badly just to kiss you, but I blew you kisses to the sky, and I'm sure you caught them. I love you, baby. 

My Journey to June 2013

Life is a journey. There are so many different paths, and they all lead in a different direction. 

As a Christian, we are taught that God has a will for us, and if we follow his will, we will see his plan for our lives, whatever it may be. That can be difficult to understand, because some of the events that take place here on earth cause so much pain and suffering, and you can't understand how a God who loves you so, could dare put you through such a situation. 

There's the quote, "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." True, but you know what sucks about this quote? Most of us who have learned just how 'strong' we are, didn't really want to know, or care to find out. I was good with my level of strength before I lost my son. I was happy in that place in life. 

Sure, now I know that I CAN be strong when I need to be, but I promise you I would have been just fine being 'strong enough' to raise 4 kids under 4. That took strength, too, just of a different kind. 

Losing my son changed my life in so many ways though, much more than just showing me that I do in fact have a brave face, and I can shoulder a mountain when it comes to making sure my other children can handle the situation and come out with a smile. It changed the way I read bible verses. It changed the way I heard lyrics to songs. It changed the way I looked at the sky, and saw the clouds. It changed the way I felt the rain. It changed they way I loved and felt love. It changed the way I saw greed. It changed the way I looked at people who couldn't find their smile, and at people who smile all the time. 

I have never been a person who judges people. I don't believe that is my place. The Bible tells me that God is the only one who can judge, and I will leave that to him. I may not support something that someone does, but that doesn't keep me from being kind to them, and being a friend. There are good people in this world who struggle with addictions. What good is pushing them away and telling them they are dirt going to do? Just because someone loves someone else who you believe is wrong, is that your decision to make for them? 

I wish that people could see what is so truly important in this life. Time is short, too short to spend it judging and being judged. There are people who thought I was crazy for having kids so close together, and that's ok. I'm not mad that they think/thought that. But, it was my choice. And I am a good mother. My kids know love, and they know that they don't have to be perfect to receive it. They know that I am here for them, even when I am struggling to be present for myself. 

People take too many things in this life for granted. I know many mothers now that have twins. It's crazy, too, because before I had twins, I didn't know very many. Try may drive you crazy when both are hungry and screaming, or when they fight, or when they double team you, but please enjoy it. Enjoy it for me, and mothers like me, who would give anything to have it back. I know that I wasn't perfect, but I thought I was doing good with my twins. And then, as quickly as they came into my life, they were gone. I still have me precious Mikah, and he is the most incredible 16 month old little boy I could have imagined. But, I don't have my twins. 

There is a mother that I know, not personally but through the wonderful world of Facebook, who has the sweetest twin girls. She never complains about the chaos that I'm sure her house can be with 2 year old girls, nor does she complain when she literally ends up with poop all over the floor of her house. She just laughs and keeps going. She is incredible.

She doesn't take her twins for granted, and I think that is why I adore her so much. She knows that life isn't promised, and it isn't easy. She knows this, because in June of last year, one of these precious 2 year old girls I have told you about was diagnosed with cancer. 

Tis little girl has also been such an inspiration and a HERO to me, because you should just see her smile! And her twin sister as well, because she, too, has dealt with a lot in the past year. She had to watch her sister struggle, and now understand why. But the smiles of these little ladies are so contagious, and I absolutely love every picture their sweet momma posts. 

This mother truly knows not to take anything for granted, even little things to some people, such as hair. She shaved her head in honor of her daughter, and raised thousands of dollars, and I mean double digits, for childhood cancer. That is a strong momma. 

But I guarantee if I asked her if she really could have done without knowing how strong she was, and not had to stare cancer in the face and tell it that it WASN'T going to win, she would say yes. She knows who she is, and I hope she knows what an impact she has made on me, and how much I love her. And if I ever go to NY, I will find her just to give her a hug, haha. Don't take hugs for granted, either!

Another thing that losing a child has changed for me has been my marriage. A topic I don't like to speak of, because so many people jump the bandwagon and are quick to give their unwanted opinions, mostly negative, towards these issues. 

When Khoen passed away, we were told by our counselor that couples who lose a child either grow stronger, or push each other so far apart that they can't heal together. 

This is the best analogy I can come up with. When you fall in love, you create this rope together. The rope starts out so strong, and can pull you easily through the muddiest situations. 

As time goes by, little things in life weather the rope a little, but but enough to cause significant damage. Then, you lose a child. There is nothing else to life at that moment in time, so you lay the rope down. While its down, it begins to rot. When you attempt to pick this rope back up and pull the other back to their feet, the rope may break. If it breaks, you can always re-tie it, but there will always be a knot. An imperfection in this rope that maybe only the two of you can see. 

At that point, you have 2 choices. You can either start together on building a new rope, one that is stronger and made of better material, because you know now that life is ruthless and doesn't care if your rope gets weathered. Or, you can choose together to put that rope down, and walk away. 

For some people, walking away is too easy.  For others, it can be the hardest thing they have ever had to do, but it may also be the smartest decision to make, for their sakes, and the lives of their living children. 

For Dustin and I, we laid down our rope on June 2, 2012, when Khoen Lee McGinnis took his last breath here on earth. And upon trying to pick each other back up with it, it broke. We tried to tie it back together, but have realized that the knot that is there is something that hurts us both each day. 

We have tried to find the strength to start maki a new rope together, but that's hard when there are days when you don't even feel like letting your feet touch the floor. 

So yes, we struggle. And we fake it like everyone else does. We pretend to be ok, because that's what the world wants to see. They want to see us come out on the other side, smiling, waving a flag of victory that we made it through hell and came out victorious, and together. 

We will continue to try until we both realize there is nothing left to build a rope with. Then and only then will we walk away. But that doesn't mean it's going to get easier any time soon. 

Another fun fact to learn when you go through something devastating is who me really there for you, who is too scared to come around, and who only wants the fame of being able to say they helped someone in need. 

I have met some incredible people through my journey, and continue to meet more as time goes by. And some of them may think I am rude and crazy, and that's ok, but I'm not. 

There are days when I can't talk. I have no words to say. There are people who dislike me now because I didn't want to come to many social events for a long, long time after Khoen passed. But, I hate being fake. And if I let the real, raw tears escape in front of them, I wasn't sure how they would handle it. Not to mention that I am a naturally shy person, so I am much too shy to let emotions out in front of people I don't know well. 

So, I'm sorry if I have met you and not lived up to your expectations in this last year. I has been a struggle, but I have and am and will continue to try my hardest to come through this. 

I am a grieving mother, and nothing makes that any easier. 

I love you Khoen, and I miss you more with each setting sun, sweet boy. <3

Struggling.

I don't think "having a rough time" describes things right now.

Most of the time, I keep my personal life just that: personal. And when I'm having a bad day, I may let others know, but I keep the reasons to myself, and fake a smile, and keep pushing through.

That gets hard. Sometimes I feel like I am living my whole life as 'fake'. Because sometimes I am scared that if people knew how bad things get sometimes, they would abandon me, and I don't want that.

Losing a child can do one of two things to a marriage. It can bring you closer than ever, or push you apart. At least that's what our counselor told us.

Well, it didn't bring Dustin and I closer. We do our best to get along for our kids, but there are so many unresolved feelings between us, and both of us are mostly scared to talk about things with the other person. It creates a lot of tension between us, and makes it really hard at times.

I love Dustin, and I know that he loves me as well. But we both are so hurt and so broken, and sometimes it can be a struggle to try and help each other when we don't really even know how to get through the day ourselves.

And financial struggles are doing nothing but making like SO much harder. I started selling Origami Owl to try and help my family out, but ended up so much in the hole because of some issues during Mother's Day, and trying to catch up on backordered items. We got behind on rent, and on our other bills, and sometimes it seems like we are never going to get our head above water again.

There are days when I wish that I could just go back to working full-time, and making the money like I used to make when I worked at the bank. But, I would pay almost my entire check in childcare, and it wouldn't be helping us at all.

I know that once Kaisyn and Mikah go to school and I can work full-time again to support my family, things will get easier. But sometimes it is SO hard to look to the future and see the brighter side of things.

I am always trying to pray and give things over to God, but that is easier said than truly done. There have been days when we literally have no food and no money, and thank God for my parents coming to save the day. I don't know what we would do without them, and don't think they will ever truly know how much we appreciate them.

I guess grief just makes everyday struggles amplified by like 1,000,000. Before Khoen passed away, things were hard financially sometimes, but I was happy, and that made things so much easier. Things were hard in our marriage sometimes, but we were always able to find a happy medium and get past things. We could always easily work things out. There were stressful days, but never days when I didn't think I could even get out of my bed.

It doesn't help that I have practically become an insomniac again. No matter how I try and relax, or how exhausted I am, I absolutely cannot sleep when I lay down at night! It's crazy! I have seen 5am twice this week from still being awake.

On days when I absolutely have to be up to do something, I can take Tylenol PM or something to help me sleep, but I am the type of person who doesn't like to be dependent on things like that, so I don't like to take it every night.

At night is when all of my thoughts just seem to hit me so hard. I think it makes it harder that Mikah is still in mine and Dustin's room. It's not that I don't absolutely love to watch that lil boy sleep, because I do. But I think it makes it harder to face the fact that Khoen isn't here each night.

The boys were supposed to be in their own room by now, and the girls together in a room as well. Losing Khoen slowed everything down. I was scared for a long time to let Mikah out of my sight when he was asleep....so scared that he wouldn't wake up, and SIDS would strike again, and my world would come crashing down once more. So we kept him in our room until his first birthday, and just keep making excuses now.

I have finally, with the help of my mom, cleaned up Makenna's room to make room for Kaisyn's bed to go in there, too. And our plan is to get the girls into a room together hopefully by this weekend. Then, Mikah will go into Kaisyn's room. That is still hard for me, too, because for some reason it just hurts to put him in a room alone. He shouldn't be alone. He should have a roommate. He should have his twin.

But I have to take a deep breath, and realize that THIS is my life now. Struggles and all. I don't know why. I don't know why I have to wake up every morning with a broken heart. I don't know what I did to deserve this. I don't know why Khoen didn't get a chance at a long, happy life.

I will know someday. I still have faith in that, and I still have faith that I will see him again. It's just waiting for that day that is so hard.

I know this all just sounds like a whole bunch of complaining, and it probably is. Just me venting. But I really, really needed to vent. I needed to get things off my chest. I get so tired of pretending to be ok. Of pretending that life is great, and we are great, and I am just so great.

Thank God for my other 3 kids. I couldn't get through this pain without them. They are my smile.

I am excited about Friday, because I get to keep some other little ones that I love, and have Victoria and her son over as well. I am hoping the weather is nice, and we can enjoy some time outside. Being surrounded by kids makes me feel ok for a little while. I'm not sure why. Life was so chaotic for a while when the twins were first born, but it was fun. I've always loved kids, and used to dream of working in a daycare. So I love having a house full of kids.

One day, I hope we can get past all of these things, and buy a house of our own, with a yard for the kids to play in, and a playroom...so that I can let the kids play and not have to lose my living room under the mess each day! I know that we will get there, it just takes working towards it. And that is what Dustin and I are both trying to do.

I don't think I let him know enough how much I do appreciate him working to support our family. We may not have much, but we do have love. And even through our brokenness, I know that our kids know love, and they know that even on mommy's worst days, they can give me a hug and make me smile.

We will get through this. This too shall pass. Like I said, grief just makes it harder.

Mommy misses you Khoen. I always will. But I know you've been hugging my heart all day...I've felt that little tugging. You are so amazing, Khoen. I love you so, so much. Mommy is trying, Khoen. I promise.

One Year Already...Khoen's 1st Angelversary in Heaven.

I don't think I can properly describe how I feel as midnight approaches. And I can assure you it will be past midnight when I finish writing this, meaning it will officially be June 2. It's so crazy, because in a weird way, it's like I felt like this day couldn't come. I couldn't live through it again. Yet, here I am, counting down the minutes.

 

I am a nervous, emotional trainwreck. For the past week, I have had spells where I can't stop shaking. I can't seem to calm myself down, and get myself together, even though I may not be crying or anything else at the time. I just shake. I am terrified of tomorrow, because it has become so real.

 

For the first few months, or really the first 11 months, I think I still lived in denial. This couldn't be my life. My son couldn't die. THIS COULD NEVER HAPPEN TO ME. Even on my hardest days, when I would miss him so much and cry for endless hours, it still seemed like a dream. Like he would eventually come back. This has to be a cruel, sick joke, and it can't be my life.

 

And reality has finally hit me like a brick. Khoen really isn't coming back to me. His little sweet life really did end on June 2, 2012.

 

 

If you had asked me on May 31 of last year where I would be today, I probably would have laughed and said potentially crazy, but I would be in my house, raising my 2 girls and my twin boys, and life would be chaotic, but mine, and I loved it.

 

I would see other moms who lost their babies, and cry for them. I would say that I could NEVER live through that. I would go insane. You honestly never think that something like this can impact your family. My kids were healthy. Khoen had his share of issues, but nothing too serious, and he was a happy little fellow.

 

May 31, 2012 started out just like any other day. My friend Victoria and her little boy came over to spend the day with us, and to help out with the kids. The house was loud and crazy, but we were enjoying ourselves.

 

We talked about the beach, and how her son had never been, and Kaisyn hadn't been, and the boys were just too little for me to take just yet. We started talking about going, and ended up planning a short trip for the next day. Just one night, and come back that Saturday by lunchtime. Nothing big, because I didn't want to be away from the boys for too long.

 

But it was important to me for me to remind the girls that they were special to me still, too. Kaisyn had really taken up with Dustin at the time, because I always seemed to be busy with the twins. And Makenna was such a sweet big sister, and a help to me, but she could feel that I didn't have as much time for her, and it was affecting her, too.

 

So I thought it would be a perfect little night away for us girls. And through tears and prayers, I came to peace with leaving the boys with their daddy for the night. They would be in good hands.

 

So that day, we packed up a few things we would need from my house, and literally carried Khoen around the house with us everywhere. He was a happy baby when he was being spoiled, but he couldn't stand to be put down. So I was used to accomplishing things while holding a baby.

 

Khoen was a little fussy that day, but nothing concerning. He had bad reflux, and he would have those fussy spells, so I didn't see it as anything out of the ordinary. Besides, like I said, you never think your baby could be gone in the blink of an eye.

 

That evening, after the girls were asleep, I sat in our green recliner and rocked Khoen, as I did every night, until 2 am, when Dustin and I would switch off. I fed Khoen the bottle at 2, and then he would usually let me lay him down, and I could sleep. And Dustin did the 6 am feeding, so it worked out well.

 

I rocked him, and snoozed with him a little, and sang to him, and cuddled him. But I still think I took it for granted, because I thought I had years of those cuddles left, until he outgrew my lap.

 

I swear, had I known, I really would have never put him down. I would have held him until he took his last breath. But he was ok at the time, and he went to sleep after his 2 am bottle as normal, and I thought nothing of it.

 

We woke up early the next morning, and by 7 am we were ready to go. I kissed Mikah and Khoen both goodbye, and cried a little as I headed out the door, because leaving them was harder than I had imagined it being. But, I was looking forward to my time with my girls, and was able to convince myself I had the next day to cuddle my boys again, so I was ok.

 

We drove to Charleston, and enjoyed a beautiful day out on the beach. We found this amazing little inlet, and the kids loved playing in the sand. Makenna was unsure of the ocean, but Kaisyn just crawled right in. They had a blast. It rained that evening, so we weren't able to enjoy downtown like we had planned. But we figured we would head there early the next morning, and see downtown before we had to leave and head home.

 

I called Dustin around 10 pm to check on the babies. He had just finished feeding them both and put them to bed. I was a little surprised that Khoen let him put him to sleep, but at the same time, babies know when there is someone around who will spoil them, and Khoen knew if I was in sight, he could cry and be held. So I thought maybe he was just tired from playing hard with brother and daddy, and was sleepy. I let Dustin go, so he could get some sleep in case one of the boys decided 2am was going to be wake up time for the day.

 

What happened after that, I can't say for sure. I was in my hotel room asleep. I woke up the next morning, and saw that a precious little girl who had battled leukemia from the age of 5 months old, was having some issues with her heart. Her name was Gabby, and she was always close to mine and Dustin's heart, and we followed her story daily. I had the pleasure of meeting her when Khoen was in the hospital, and stayed in contact with her sweet momma from then on.

 

Gabby is now an Angel with Khoen, and I know they are great friends. <3

 

I texted Dustin to see if he had seen it, and got no response. I didn't think anything of it, because I figured he had fallen back asleep with the boys.

 

My mom called a few minutes later, and the worst day of my life began. She told me I needed to head home right away, that Khoen had been taken to the hospital. She told me he wasn't breathing good, but wouldn't answer any othr questions.

 

I immediately knew in my gut that something was very, very wrong. I called my dad, who was with Dustin. My dad was crying, and he doesn't cry. I begged him to tell me Khoen was ok. But he just said he was so, so sorry. I asked him if Khoen was ok, and he said no.

 

I asked him if Khoen was gone, and he said yes.

 

The rest of the day, and the next few days, is a blur. I think my mind tries to block it out, because it was such a bad time. I was sick, couldn't eat, and couldn't stop the tears. I would scream. I would cry. And I would literally yell Khoen's name at the top of my lungs.

 

I remember driving to my house a few days after, the night before the funeral, to get a few things for the girls. I was at a stoplight, and just started punching the steering wheel, and screaming. I honestly felt like I was going insane.

 

I couldn't sleep, because I was too scared of waking up to the Hell that I was living in. I didn't want to feel the pain. I didn't want to see Mikah without Khoen beside of him. I didn't want to try to be ok for my other kids, because at the time, I wasn't ok. At all. I just wanted to hold Khoen.

 

I wasn't going to view him at the funeral home. I was going to have family take pictures, so I could see them when I was ready. But when we got there, as sick as I felt, I knew I had to go in.

 

I remember walking through the doors to the big room he was in, and seeing his little casket laying on a table, open and ready for us to see him. I was scared to approach him, because I knew I would want to pick him up and just take off with him, and somehow bring him back to life and make him ok. That had to be possible. He couldn't really be gone.

 

I think I hid behind Dustin the whole way over. Khoen was so tiny in that tiny casket. And he looked like a little baby doll, not my sweet boy. He was covered in makeup, and was wearing a little hat I brought for him that said Love Me. He was in his little brother onesie, and his khaki pants, and tiny little socks.

 

I remember touching him, and being able to feel that he wasn't there. I remember how sick it made me. But still, that was his little body, and I wanted so badly to protect it.

 

I had to leave after a few minutes, because I had a complete breakdown. Mine and Dustin's families went in and viewed him, and when they were done, I went to see him one last time. 

 

Do you know what the hardest part of seeing my 4 month old son laying in a casket was?

 

It was walking away.

 

I still can't believe in my heart that as his mother, I just left him there. I went home, and he was there, in a casket. Not with me.

 

I had to remind myself that he wasn't there, only his tiny little body was.

 

I am a Christian, and I believe in God and in Heaven, and I know with all of my heart that I will see Khoen again someday. And I know that in talking about that week of my life, I don't mention my faith much at first. That's because honestly, when something like that happens, everyone questions. At first, I was angry with God. Why me? Why my son? WHY KHOEN?! Don't You know how much I need him here? Don't you know how much I love him?

 

The next day was his funeral. I looked at a picture of his little casket at the funeral for the first time today. Victoria had one on her phone. My mind blocked that image from me, and no matter how much I try to remember, I can't remember seeing his casket laying there. I remember my cousin singing, and our pastor preaching, and all of the people hugging me.

 

And, once again, I remember leaving.

 

We stayed around for as long as we could, because I just couldn't leave him there. That's my baby. He may get hot, or cold, and I can't protect him. I can't leave him.

 

Then, I saw the man on the tractor at the top of the hill, watching for us to leave. I knew in my heart what he was waiting to do, but I couldn't leave so that it wouldn't happen.

 

We finally made our way to the car, and I felt so sick. As we were sitting there about to leave, I saw the man on the tractor headed our way. I literally started to scream, and my mom had to drive me away as quickly as she could. I watched that man the whole time. I watched as they put my baby into the ground, and I watched that man pick up his pile of dirt, and drop it into the hole. They were really burying my baby. My Khoen.

 

I cried so hard all the way to my moms. I knew it was going to happen, but I still couldn't believe it.  I wanted to badly to get my dads shovel and go save Khoen. Get him out of there and bring him back to me, where he belongs. But for what?

 

For the 11 months after Khoen passed away, I struggled, but I was able to find peace in my faith, and in knowing that my sweet boy was playing in Heaven, and is happy, and I will see him again.

 

I still believe this, and it is still what gets me through each and every day. But as I said, reality has hit me, that he isn't coming back. I really can't kiss him or hold him again, until the day God calls me home.

 

Khoen is God's son, that God gave me the amazing opportunity to be called his mommy. And God is the only person who could possibly love Khoen more than I could.

 

I still am not sure why Khoen couldn't stay with me, and grow up with his twin brother. But I know that when I get to Heaven, God will show me. I just have to trust in Him until then.

 

To My Sweet Khoen:

 

I miss you more and more with each day that passes. I hold a pillow every night, and I dream that it is you. There are morning when I wake up crying, and want to throw that pillow, because it is still just a pillow, and you are still in Heaven.

 

Makenna talks about you more and more now. She misses you a lot. She left you flowers that she picked on your resting place the other day, because she said she hoped you would see them, and come visit her.

 

Mommy needs to feel you around me more than ever, and I know that you will do that for me. I am really struggling with the fact that it has been a whole year since I kissed your perfect little cheek.

 

I don't know why I couldn't keep you here with me, but I know that you know, and you can see God's amazing plan. Please be ready when I get there, Khoen. Please be waiting for me, because I want nothing more than to scoop you up and never have to let you go again.

 

I'm sorry that I am weak sometimes, and can't stop crying. I try so hard to be strong, because I know that you want me to be, for Makenna, and Kaisyn, and Mikah. Please help me be strong, Kho.

 

I love you, and I never knew I could miss someone so much. I will see you soon, Khoen. Thank you again this year for the butterflies.

 

I love you, always and forever.

 

Your Mommy.

 

 

Before I go cry myself to sleep, I want to thank everyone who has been here for me in the past year. I couldn't have made it through without you. Even if I have never met you except online, thank you. I don't think some of you really know how much of an impact you have on my life.

 

To my angel mommies and families, please know that tomorrow as I remember Khoen, I will be remembering your sweet babies, too. Raidyn, Chloe, Gabby, Justin, Brooklyn, and so, so many more. I love each of you.

 

Well, I have officially survived the first year without my son. It is June 2, 2013.

 

Don't ask me today how I'm doing, wait until tomorrow. Then, with the help of Khoen, and the strength of God, I will tell you that I am doing ok. <3

Happy Mothers Day.

This year, my Mother's Day was different. Much different than it has been for the past 4 years, since my first Mother's Day with Makenna.

Things with my new job have been chaotic to say the least! The company has been dealing with some serious growing pains, but they are pulling themselves out slowly, and things are getting better. But, unfortunately, it caused some orders I had placed to run late getting here, and I had some people VERY upset with me. And it was hard.

I hate disappointing people, and I can't stand to let people down. I did everything that I could to help the situation, but there was just nothing that could be done. Some people didn't understand that, and didn't really want to hear it, and I can understand where they are coming from. If I had a party, I wouldn't want my guests to be let down either.

But, this was beyond my control. Anyways, I made it through, and orders will come in tomorrow, and I will deliver them. I will continue to do all that I can to make those people happy, and I can't thank them enough for being patient with me and understanding.

The people who were nice to me this weekend, they really don't know how much that helped me out. This weekend was rough on me anyways. I looked back at a picture from last Mother's Day...one where Makenna and Kaisyn were on either side of me, and I was holding my twins. Both of them. Khoen was still here.

Today hit hard that he isn't here anymore. And it hurt. I managed to smile, and make it through the day, and spend time with family, and enjoying the beautiful weather with my kids and my neice and nephew. But not with Khoen.

This time last year, we were actually still in the hospital. Khoen was admitted on the 10th, and spent 3 nights there. He was lethargic, his soft spot was bulging, and he just wasn't himself at all. But, I spend all 3 of those nights, and all 4 of those days, by his side. Just me and my little Kho.

The 2nd and 3rd nights that we were there, the nurse we had was amazing, and she noticed how much Khoen liked to be in my arms. He was having trouble breathing, because he was congested, and he would cry and cry if we tried to lay him in that little hospital crib. Then, the monitors would go crazy, and no one could get any rest.

So she put the side rails up on the bed that was in the room for me, and told me to lay in the bed and hold him, and try to get him to sleep that way. That was the first time ever that he slept through the night. If he would wake up, he would just look at me, wiggle closer, smile, and go back to sleep without crying. (Technically he didn't actually sleep all night...but, it was the first night he didn't cry.) It was honest to God the best 2 nights of my life. Because he was there with me, in my arms, feeling safe, and I was complete.

That means that on this night last year, I was sleeping with him in my arms for what would be the last time ever. Once he came home, he slept next to Mikah again, where he was also content. And I figured I would get another night like that as he grew older.

But now, we are only a little over 2 weeks from the day that Khoen took his last breath. And my heart honestly feels like it is cracking a little more each day that passes. I don't know how I am going to make it through this. I really don't.

Sometimes, through all of the frustrations that are going on in a persons life, I wish they could take a step back, take a deep breath, and consider what is going on in the person that they are upset with's life as well. Feeling like I am letting people down and that they are upset with me is the last thing that I need right now.

I have a lot of thinking to do in the next few days. I have some big decisions to make in my life. I don't know where things are going to go, but I know that I can't continue to wear myself so thin. And to some, I probably don't do much. I am a stay at home mom, and sell jewelry for some extra money, and to keep my mind off of things. But, when you are grieving a child, just waking up and FORCING yourself out of bed in the morning can seem like too much to handle.

Lately, I go to bed every night in tears. And I wake up every morning, realize that this is still my reality, and it isn't just a bad dream, and I cry again. I cry through my shower, then I make myself stop. I get myself together, and I make myself smile and be ok for my other 3 kids.

I make breakfast, play with them, do as much as I can as far as dishes and laundry go, give the little 2 a snack, play with them some more, feed them lunch, pick up Makenna from school, put the little ones down for naps, spend some time with Makenna, get the little ones back up, fix dinner and feed them, give baths, and get the kids all 3 ready for bed. That is basically our daily routine.

But I kid you not....it takes all I have not to break down and scream because as hectic as it is, there should be one more.

I am starting to just feel like I need to get myself together before I start trying to have other people relying on me as well. Because I can't take having people make me feel terrible right now. That's just not what I need. And it has really opened my eyes to just how not ok I really am at the moment.

I am not ok. I admit it. No, I'm not crazy. I'm not sick. I'm not mentally ill. I am GRIEVING. I miss my son. Yes, I have 3 other kids...NO, that doesn't make it easier. Yes, Khoen has a twin, so I still have a baby to take care of. NO, that doesn't help. I can't stand when people assume that.

I hate my reality. I want my old life back. For me, another child isn't the answer, because I know that I can't replace Khoen.

Khoen and I had a really strong bond. It isn't that I was closer to him than I was to Mikah, it was just that he was needier than Mikah, and he needed to be loved on in order to be the happy baby that he was. Mikah was laid back, go with the flow, and just loved everyone. Khoen was mommy-attached.

There was just this feeling when Khoen would look into my eyes, and I swear I think he felt it, too. Just this warmth, and this comfort, that I didn't get from anywhere else. Maybe it was my way of looking into Heaven, so to speak. Maybe God let me have that bond and that feeling when he would look at me and smile, because he knew that I wasn't going to get to keep him for long.

I don't know what it is, I just know that I miss it more than anything. I miss Khoen more than anything. I just want to look into his eyes again. I want to feel that warmth, and that strength, and that perfect peace again. I want to feel whole again. I want to feel happy again. I WANT TO FEEL OK AGAIN.

I am still angry, but angry in a different way. I was in a denial-like phase for a looong time, and it made me have a way to tell myself things were real. That is over now, and the realness of this whole situation hits like a ton of bricks.

To anyone who has been around me, and been here for me, and I haven't been as friendly as usual, or fully been there for you lately, please forgive me. I am struggling. But, I am trying.

I know that I will eventually figure out how to be ok, but I will never be whole. My heart, my whole being, will always have a huge chunk missing.

Oh, Khoen...thank you for letting me know that you are near. I love you so, so much, and I'm sorry that I cry so much. I miss you more than I can express, and I promise I am trying hard. I am trying for you. I love you, and I can't wait to see you again. Stay close by me, sweet boy...I need you more than ever. <3

Happy Mother's Day, to all of the mothers, mothers-to-be, mothers of angels, and fathers who have to play the role of a mother as well. I hope you had an amazing day.

Oh, May...

I honestly can't believe the end of April is already here.

Lately, every day, I've been looking back through pictures each day, and finding a picture from exactly a year ago of Khoen. The images make me smile through tears.

It's so crazy, because I can remember how I felt in the moment that I took the picture. My picture from yesterday (4/26) was of the twins sitting on the couch together, right before bedtime. Mikah was sitting a little behind Khoen, because I had to sit Khoen down for pictures right before we snapped one. Khoen loved to be held by mommy, and would cry if I set him down for long. And yes, I will proudly say that I spoiled the heck out of that baby, and NO I don't regret it. I would have spoiled him more had I known I wouldn't have him in my arms for longer.

In the picture, it looks almost like Mikah is trying to bite Khoen on the shoulder. He was hungry, and still at that stage where if you put something near his mouth, he would try to latch onto it. And at that moment, it was Khoen's shoulder. But they looked so handsome together, and I was so in love. I am still so in love. They are my boys...

Today, my picture was of the boys laying side by side on the table at the doctors office. We were at the hip doctor, waiting to see if he thought that the boys hips were damaged at all by being breech. I can remember it so clearly.

The past week has been incredibly hard. And it seems each day is getting harder. I have been told that things get easier in time, but to me, knowing that the one year is coming up is just making things so much harder.

I miss Khoen so deeply, and my heart just aches so much for him. The other night, I dreamed of him. And it was so real.

I dreamed he was laying in my bed beside me, looking the same as he did last April. He was in my arms, just smiling at me and cooing, and I couldn't have felt more happy and at peace. I can remember feeling him, and smelling him, and hearing him...then I woke up, and only a pillow was in my arms.

I don't think I have cried that hard since last June. Since the first time I opened my eyes, and he was gone.

Death is so hard, because it is so final, and it doesn't take the people who are left behinds feelings into consideration at all.

It was raining today, but we rode through Evergreen, and waved a blew kisses to our sweet boy. It's so hard.

And I still hate the way that this whole situation makes me look at Mikah sometimes. Mikah is my little boy too, and I absolutely adore him. But, there are times when I am snuggling him, and loving on him, and then this sick feeling punches me in the gut. And I automatically feel guilty for loving on him, because I can't love on Khoen. And in my mind, it seems so unfair.

I know that Khoen wouldn't want me to feel that way, but it's hard. I just want to see him and Mikah toddling along beside each other, fighting over toys and playing side by side, like one year old twin boys should be doing.

I watch Mikah and Kaisyn play together, and fight with each other, and make each other made purposely, like toddlers do. And when we go to the grocery story, people ask me EVERY time if the two of them are twins. And every time, my heart breaks all over again.

I never knew before why God gave me the twins when he did. I was on NuvaRing, and Kaisyn was only 4 months old when I found out I was pregnant. But I am starting to see that maybe it was because He knew his plans for our family, and He knew that Khoen wouldn't be with us for long. And he knew that both Kaisyn and Mikah would need that companionship, and that them being close in age was for the best. Kaisyn is only 10 months older than the twins, which seems absolutely crazy.

The twins weren't planned by me, but they were by God. And I know that I can't question Him, because slowly he will show me His ways. But there are times when questions are all we have, and we just want answers. Now. On OUR time.

Once again, I have to remind myself to breathe.

I don't really know how I'm going to make it through May and June to be honest. But, I know that I will. That strength that only He can provide will pull me through, and I will be ok. I will be ok for Makenna, Kaisyn, Mikah, and Khoen.

Khoen, there are just no words that I can say that express how much I miss you. But, I feel like you know that. Mommy loves you so, so much. I am still counting the days until I get to hold you in my arms again in Heaven. Visit me in my dreams again, sweet boy. Mommy just needs one more precious kiss...<3

Happy 1st Birthday, Khoen.

It is almost 11 o'clock. Only an hour away from midnight, and from my boys first birthday. I am an emotional wreck, but I am doing my best to hold it together.

I don't know if I will get a chance to get on here tomorrow and write this, so I wanted to do it tonight.

Tomorrow, I will be focusing on celebrating the amazing progess that my sweet Mikah has made in the past year. My little four-pound, 32 weeker, who couldn't drink from a bottle, and is now trying his hardest to learn to walk holding onto furniture, and stand on his own.

And, I will be making a special trip to pick up some balloons, and take them out to Evergreen, to leave with Khoen, and release later. <3

But tonight, I want to write a letter to my sweet Khoen. The things I want to say to him, but can't. So that's exactly what I'll do.

Khoen,

You are amazing. From the moment I first saw you on the ultrasound screen, you had my heart.

I can remember when I first woke up from my emergency c-section...the first question I asked daddy was if you were ok. During labor, you scared mommy, because you kept dropping your heart rate. But daddy told me you were a strong, healthy boy, and I was so relieved!

The nurses told me you needed a little bit of oxygen when you were first born, but by the time daddy went into the NICU to take pictures for me, you had already proved to them that you were a big boy, and you could breathe just fine on your own!

It seemed like daddy was gone for an eternity when he went to see you and brother for the first time. I couldn't come yet...the nurses wouldn't let me out of my bed until my sedation completely wore off, and not being able to see your sweet face was tearing at my heart. But, when daddy came back, and showed me your pictures, only one word came to mind: Perfect. You are perfect.

Daddy took a picture of your little hand holding his finger, to help me see just how teensy you were. But I was proud of all 4 pounds 6 ounces of you.

The first time I got to come and see you, I cried. Happy tears, and proud tears, and tears of amazement, that you were mine. I remember feeling your skin, and touching your little fingers and toes, and just thinking that my life could not possibly get any better than it was at that moment.

Visiting you in the NICU for the first week was hard. Mommy was exhausted and sore, and riding through the halls in the hospital anticipating your sweet face wasn't fun. I wanted you in my room with me, I wanted to take you home with me. But, you had growing left to do, and I was going to help you do it.

I remember when they told me that Mikah was ready to move to the Progressive Unit, because he was attempting eating a bottle, and he was eating 35mls with no residuals. I tried so hard to get you to try a bottle that night, but you wanted NOTHING to do with it! You were so silly and stubborn. But, I think you knew that I was sad that brother may move without you, because the nurse called us first thing the next morning to tell us that you had been AMAZING all night, tried a bottle, and had no residuals...and you were moving with brother!! I was so excited! Not to mention beaming with pride...you were such a big, strong, brave boy.

Visiting you in the PICN was so much better, because mommy could hold you more, and snuggle you, and feed you, and dress you in sweet little outfits that matched Mikah perfectly! Even though you outgrew your preemie outfits SO fast, and I had to give you big boy outfits, while brother barely fit into his preemies from being so small! You were SO big! And you were so alert...I absolutely loved to just sit and rock you, and sing to you, and talk to you, while you just looked up at me with the sweetest eyes. Dark blue eyes, that we knew would turn brown. You looked a LOT like daddy's little brother.

You probably think I'm crazy, but I remember rubbing your head, and thinking how perfectly round it was. And you had barely any hair, but it was darker than Mikah's, so you looked like you had more than him. You were my only brunette. <3

I remember the day they told me I could bring Mikah home. We had to take some training classes for your monitor that we knew you would be coming home with before we left with Mikah, since we wouldn't be able to come back up together easily once brother was at home. The day went by too quickly, and it was time for us to go. I had been rocking you, and I wasn't ready to leave you. I cried, and your nurse promised she was going to take extra special care of you. I was excited to have brother home, but I didn't want you to be alone. I wanted you with me.

Daddy wanted to do your diaper change before we left, and do you remember what you did to me?! I wasn't even standing next to you, I was sitting in a chair at least 3 feet away! And silly daddy left you uncovered while he got another diaper, and you pee'd ALL over me!! I guess you let me know how you felt about me leaving you, huh? I thought it was funny, and I wasn't mad at all. I just wanted to cuddle you even more.

A week later, it was time for mommy to stay with you. Do you remember that night like I do? You were perfect for me. You let me get some rest, even though it was hard because I was busy taking pictures of you constantly. One of the PICN volunteers had given you an extra special hat to wear, and you were so handsome in it! I still have it...it's in your special box here at our house. Along with your wubbanub pacifier that you always had to have. Sweet little monkey paci.

When we brought you home, life was perfect. You were the best baby. You were a little spoiled by mommy, or a lot in daddy's eyes, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

I remember one night when you went to Walmart with me and your godmommy, and you were silly and threw your paci UNDER a shelf! But you were so cute, we couldn't be upset. You were in your yellow Mickey Mouse shirt that night. I'll never forget.

Mommy had you spoiled at night, and you had to be held a certain way on my shoulder to eat your bottle and go to sleep. I rocked you that way every night. I don't know if I fully appreciated it then like I do now. I think I always knew I would have tomorrow. Not that I didn't enjoy it, i just took it for granted. I'll never do that again. Because if I could have just one more night with you in my arms, rocking in the green chair, asleep on my shoulder, I wouldn't move the whole  night. I would just hold you and love on you for as long as I could.

Mommy still feels guilty that I wasn't here when you gained your wings, and I want to tell you that I'm sorry. Sometimes I wonder if you looked for me that night, since I wasn't here to rock you. If you were sad, and missed me as much as I missed you. I know daddy took such good care of you, and I'm sure you made him spoil you a little. But had I known that would be your last night with me, I would have been there for you, and held you until you took your last sweet breath.

I still don't know what happened. The certificate they mailed me says SIDS, but I don't believe them. Mommy knew there was something more, and I promise you I did all I could to make if better. I really did. I took you to all the doctors, and I trusted what they said. Then the next day, I would trust my mommy-gut and take you back. But all of the tests said you were ok, and so did all of the doctors. If I could have done more, I'm sorry. I really am.

I hope you know that I love you more than life itself, and I miss you with every breath I take. Not a moment goes by when you don't cross my mind, and when I don't feel you in my heart.

Sometimes, when we take videos at our house, we see something special in them. Is that you? If it is, please don't leave. I take comfort in that being you, and I don't want to lose that too.

I am so happy for you, Khoen. I'm happy that you don't have to feel pain, or sadness, or anything less than complete happiness. I'm happy that you are in Heaven, and in the arms of Jesus. I know you are so well taken care of, and I know grandmom and grandad spoil you so much. Please tell them how much I miss them, too. It's not easy for me without them, and it's even harder for me without you.

Sometimes I feel like I don't know where to go without you here, and I feel like I'm going crazy trying to find you. And other times, I can just look up at the sky, and smile, and feel peace knowing you are right beside me.

Right now, I can feel you hugging my heart.

I wish so much I could watch you eat your first cake with Mikah tomorrow. I wish so much I could watch you and him side by side, opening your presents, like twins should do. I wish so, so much that you were here, so I could be smiling rather than crying.

I know you are going to have a birthday party like we can't even imagine. A perfect party, with all of your favorite things, whatever they may be now. I wish I knew.

Makenna asks me all the time if you like certain things. Random things, out of no where. I think that's because you tell her that you like them, so that she can tell me.

Please don't stop letting Makenna, Kaisyn, and Mikah know that you are here. I don't want them to ever stop knowing that you are REAL. You are not a dream, you are so real, and the biggest blessing I have ever recieved was when God chose me to be your mommy.

I know that I had more time with you than anyone else on this earth. I had 7 months with you in my tummy, and 4 months with you in my arms. But it will never seem like enough.

You know what will be enough? When I get to spend eternity with you in Heaven. I can not WAIT to hold you again! You better get ready for the biggest squeeze in history, because I am not going to be able to let go!

If I had it my way, I would be able to look at you in a crib right now next to Mikah, rather than visiting you in Evergreen. But, God had extra special plans for you, and I can't be angry at that. I have to believe that, because without it, there would be no hope. No knowing that it isn't goodbye, but I'll see you later. And that would never be good enough for me.

I KNOW I will see you again. I know God is real. You proved that to me, and I will never be able to thank you enough for that gift. Did you even know that you did something that powerful for mommy? You are THAT special! Absolutely Perfect. Those are the only words that fit perfectly with Khoen Lee. <3

Thank you for being such a perfect son. I am so thankful that I am your mommy. I am going to send you some balloons for your birthday, and I hope you enjoy them! You big sissy's are going to blow some bubbles up to you, too...Makenna chose that. She loves you so much, and she misses you a lot. Please let her know that you are ok, and you are near.

I love you, sweet boy, and I miss you more than words can express. I don't know how to say it any other way. You are amazing, and perfect, and I will continue to think of you every day for the rest of my life. Thank you for letting me know that you are ok.

Happy 1st birthday, Khoen Lee McGinnis. I will be celebrating you, and I know you will feel it. I love you so, so much.

Love Always,
Mommy.

It officially took me an hour to write this, due to me crying. And at this exact moment, it is 12:01 am.

It is my twins first birthday.

Happy 1st birthday, Mikah James McGinnis. And Happy 1st birthday, Khoen Lee McGinnis. I love you both so much, and you will always be my dream come true. <3