Life is a journey. There are so many different paths, and they all lead in a different direction.
As a Christian, we are taught that God has a will for us, and if we follow his will, we will see his plan for our lives, whatever it may be. That can be difficult to understand, because some of the events that take place here on earth cause so much pain and suffering, and you can't understand how a God who loves you so, could dare put you through such a situation.
There's the quote, "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." True, but you know what sucks about this quote? Most of us who have learned just how 'strong' we are, didn't really want to know, or care to find out. I was good with my level of strength before I lost my son. I was happy in that place in life.
Sure, now I know that I CAN be strong when I need to be, but I promise you I would have been just fine being 'strong enough' to raise 4 kids under 4. That took strength, too, just of a different kind.
Losing my son changed my life in so many ways though, much more than just showing me that I do in fact have a brave face, and I can shoulder a mountain when it comes to making sure my other children can handle the situation and come out with a smile. It changed the way I read bible verses. It changed the way I heard lyrics to songs. It changed the way I looked at the sky, and saw the clouds. It changed the way I felt the rain. It changed they way I loved and felt love. It changed the way I saw greed. It changed the way I looked at people who couldn't find their smile, and at people who smile all the time.
I have never been a person who judges people. I don't believe that is my place. The Bible tells me that God is the only one who can judge, and I will leave that to him. I may not support something that someone does, but that doesn't keep me from being kind to them, and being a friend. There are good people in this world who struggle with addictions. What good is pushing them away and telling them they are dirt going to do? Just because someone loves someone else who you believe is wrong, is that your decision to make for them?
I wish that people could see what is so truly important in this life. Time is short, too short to spend it judging and being judged. There are people who thought I was crazy for having kids so close together, and that's ok. I'm not mad that they think/thought that. But, it was my choice. And I am a good mother. My kids know love, and they know that they don't have to be perfect to receive it. They know that I am here for them, even when I am struggling to be present for myself.
People take too many things in this life for granted. I know many mothers now that have twins. It's crazy, too, because before I had twins, I didn't know very many. Try may drive you crazy when both are hungry and screaming, or when they fight, or when they double team you, but please enjoy it. Enjoy it for me, and mothers like me, who would give anything to have it back. I know that I wasn't perfect, but I thought I was doing good with my twins. And then, as quickly as they came into my life, they were gone. I still have me precious Mikah, and he is the most incredible 16 month old little boy I could have imagined. But, I don't have my twins.
There is a mother that I know, not personally but through the wonderful world of Facebook, who has the sweetest twin girls. She never complains about the chaos that I'm sure her house can be with 2 year old girls, nor does she complain when she literally ends up with poop all over the floor of her house. She just laughs and keeps going. She is incredible.
She doesn't take her twins for granted, and I think that is why I adore her so much. She knows that life isn't promised, and it isn't easy. She knows this, because in June of last year, one of these precious 2 year old girls I have told you about was diagnosed with cancer.
Tis little girl has also been such an inspiration and a HERO to me, because you should just see her smile! And her twin sister as well, because she, too, has dealt with a lot in the past year. She had to watch her sister struggle, and now understand why. But the smiles of these little ladies are so contagious, and I absolutely love every picture their sweet momma posts.
This mother truly knows not to take anything for granted, even little things to some people, such as hair. She shaved her head in honor of her daughter, and raised thousands of dollars, and I mean double digits, for childhood cancer. That is a strong momma.
But I guarantee if I asked her if she really could have done without knowing how strong she was, and not had to stare cancer in the face and tell it that it WASN'T going to win, she would say yes. She knows who she is, and I hope she knows what an impact she has made on me, and how much I love her. And if I ever go to NY, I will find her just to give her a hug, haha. Don't take hugs for granted, either!
Another thing that losing a child has changed for me has been my marriage. A topic I don't like to speak of, because so many people jump the bandwagon and are quick to give their unwanted opinions, mostly negative, towards these issues.
When Khoen passed away, we were told by our counselor that couples who lose a child either grow stronger, or push each other so far apart that they can't heal together.
This is the best analogy I can come up with. When you fall in love, you create this rope together. The rope starts out so strong, and can pull you easily through the muddiest situations.
As time goes by, little things in life weather the rope a little, but but enough to cause significant damage. Then, you lose a child. There is nothing else to life at that moment in time, so you lay the rope down. While its down, it begins to rot. When you attempt to pick this rope back up and pull the other back to their feet, the rope may break. If it breaks, you can always re-tie it, but there will always be a knot. An imperfection in this rope that maybe only the two of you can see.
At that point, you have 2 choices. You can either start together on building a new rope, one that is stronger and made of better material, because you know now that life is ruthless and doesn't care if your rope gets weathered. Or, you can choose together to put that rope down, and walk away.
For some people, walking away is too easy. For others, it can be the hardest thing they have ever had to do, but it may also be the smartest decision to make, for their sakes, and the lives of their living children.
For Dustin and I, we laid down our rope on June 2, 2012, when Khoen Lee McGinnis took his last breath here on earth. And upon trying to pick each other back up with it, it broke. We tried to tie it back together, but have realized that the knot that is there is something that hurts us both each day.
We have tried to find the strength to start maki a new rope together, but that's hard when there are days when you don't even feel like letting your feet touch the floor.
So yes, we struggle. And we fake it like everyone else does. We pretend to be ok, because that's what the world wants to see. They want to see us come out on the other side, smiling, waving a flag of victory that we made it through hell and came out victorious, and together.
We will continue to try until we both realize there is nothing left to build a rope with. Then and only then will we walk away. But that doesn't mean it's going to get easier any time soon.
Another fun fact to learn when you go through something devastating is who me really there for you, who is too scared to come around, and who only wants the fame of being able to say they helped someone in need.
I have met some incredible people through my journey, and continue to meet more as time goes by. And some of them may think I am rude and crazy, and that's ok, but I'm not.
There are days when I can't talk. I have no words to say. There are people who dislike me now because I didn't want to come to many social events for a long, long time after Khoen passed. But, I hate being fake. And if I let the real, raw tears escape in front of them, I wasn't sure how they would handle it. Not to mention that I am a naturally shy person, so I am much too shy to let emotions out in front of people I don't know well.
So, I'm sorry if I have met you and not lived up to your expectations in this last year. I has been a struggle, but I have and am and will continue to try my hardest to come through this.
I am a grieving mother, and nothing makes that any easier.
I love you Khoen, and I miss you more with each setting sun, sweet boy. <3
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