Struggling.

I don't think "having a rough time" describes things right now.

Most of the time, I keep my personal life just that: personal. And when I'm having a bad day, I may let others know, but I keep the reasons to myself, and fake a smile, and keep pushing through.

That gets hard. Sometimes I feel like I am living my whole life as 'fake'. Because sometimes I am scared that if people knew how bad things get sometimes, they would abandon me, and I don't want that.

Losing a child can do one of two things to a marriage. It can bring you closer than ever, or push you apart. At least that's what our counselor told us.

Well, it didn't bring Dustin and I closer. We do our best to get along for our kids, but there are so many unresolved feelings between us, and both of us are mostly scared to talk about things with the other person. It creates a lot of tension between us, and makes it really hard at times.

I love Dustin, and I know that he loves me as well. But we both are so hurt and so broken, and sometimes it can be a struggle to try and help each other when we don't really even know how to get through the day ourselves.

And financial struggles are doing nothing but making like SO much harder. I started selling Origami Owl to try and help my family out, but ended up so much in the hole because of some issues during Mother's Day, and trying to catch up on backordered items. We got behind on rent, and on our other bills, and sometimes it seems like we are never going to get our head above water again.

There are days when I wish that I could just go back to working full-time, and making the money like I used to make when I worked at the bank. But, I would pay almost my entire check in childcare, and it wouldn't be helping us at all.

I know that once Kaisyn and Mikah go to school and I can work full-time again to support my family, things will get easier. But sometimes it is SO hard to look to the future and see the brighter side of things.

I am always trying to pray and give things over to God, but that is easier said than truly done. There have been days when we literally have no food and no money, and thank God for my parents coming to save the day. I don't know what we would do without them, and don't think they will ever truly know how much we appreciate them.

I guess grief just makes everyday struggles amplified by like 1,000,000. Before Khoen passed away, things were hard financially sometimes, but I was happy, and that made things so much easier. Things were hard in our marriage sometimes, but we were always able to find a happy medium and get past things. We could always easily work things out. There were stressful days, but never days when I didn't think I could even get out of my bed.

It doesn't help that I have practically become an insomniac again. No matter how I try and relax, or how exhausted I am, I absolutely cannot sleep when I lay down at night! It's crazy! I have seen 5am twice this week from still being awake.

On days when I absolutely have to be up to do something, I can take Tylenol PM or something to help me sleep, but I am the type of person who doesn't like to be dependent on things like that, so I don't like to take it every night.

At night is when all of my thoughts just seem to hit me so hard. I think it makes it harder that Mikah is still in mine and Dustin's room. It's not that I don't absolutely love to watch that lil boy sleep, because I do. But I think it makes it harder to face the fact that Khoen isn't here each night.

The boys were supposed to be in their own room by now, and the girls together in a room as well. Losing Khoen slowed everything down. I was scared for a long time to let Mikah out of my sight when he was asleep....so scared that he wouldn't wake up, and SIDS would strike again, and my world would come crashing down once more. So we kept him in our room until his first birthday, and just keep making excuses now.

I have finally, with the help of my mom, cleaned up Makenna's room to make room for Kaisyn's bed to go in there, too. And our plan is to get the girls into a room together hopefully by this weekend. Then, Mikah will go into Kaisyn's room. That is still hard for me, too, because for some reason it just hurts to put him in a room alone. He shouldn't be alone. He should have a roommate. He should have his twin.

But I have to take a deep breath, and realize that THIS is my life now. Struggles and all. I don't know why. I don't know why I have to wake up every morning with a broken heart. I don't know what I did to deserve this. I don't know why Khoen didn't get a chance at a long, happy life.

I will know someday. I still have faith in that, and I still have faith that I will see him again. It's just waiting for that day that is so hard.

I know this all just sounds like a whole bunch of complaining, and it probably is. Just me venting. But I really, really needed to vent. I needed to get things off my chest. I get so tired of pretending to be ok. Of pretending that life is great, and we are great, and I am just so great.

Thank God for my other 3 kids. I couldn't get through this pain without them. They are my smile.

I am excited about Friday, because I get to keep some other little ones that I love, and have Victoria and her son over as well. I am hoping the weather is nice, and we can enjoy some time outside. Being surrounded by kids makes me feel ok for a little while. I'm not sure why. Life was so chaotic for a while when the twins were first born, but it was fun. I've always loved kids, and used to dream of working in a daycare. So I love having a house full of kids.

One day, I hope we can get past all of these things, and buy a house of our own, with a yard for the kids to play in, and a playroom...so that I can let the kids play and not have to lose my living room under the mess each day! I know that we will get there, it just takes working towards it. And that is what Dustin and I are both trying to do.

I don't think I let him know enough how much I do appreciate him working to support our family. We may not have much, but we do have love. And even through our brokenness, I know that our kids know love, and they know that even on mommy's worst days, they can give me a hug and make me smile.

We will get through this. This too shall pass. Like I said, grief just makes it harder.

Mommy misses you Khoen. I always will. But I know you've been hugging my heart all day...I've felt that little tugging. You are so amazing, Khoen. I love you so, so much. Mommy is trying, Khoen. I promise.