I don't think I can properly describe how I feel as midnight approaches. And I can assure you it will be past midnight when I finish writing this, meaning it will officially be June 2. It's so crazy, because in a weird way, it's like I felt like this day couldn't come. I couldn't live through it again. Yet, here I am, counting down the minutes.
I am a nervous, emotional trainwreck. For the past week, I have had spells where I can't stop shaking. I can't seem to calm myself down, and get myself together, even though I may not be crying or anything else at the time. I just shake. I am terrified of tomorrow, because it has become so real.
For the first few months, or really the first 11 months, I think I still lived in denial. This couldn't be my life. My son couldn't die. THIS COULD NEVER HAPPEN TO ME. Even on my hardest days, when I would miss him so much and cry for endless hours, it still seemed like a dream. Like he would eventually come back. This has to be a cruel, sick joke, and it can't be my life.
And reality has finally hit me like a brick. Khoen really isn't coming back to me. His little sweet life really did end on June 2, 2012.
If you had asked me on May 31 of last year where I would be today, I probably would have laughed and said potentially crazy, but I would be in my house, raising my 2 girls and my twin boys, and life would be chaotic, but mine, and I loved it.
I would see other moms who lost their babies, and cry for them. I would say that I could NEVER live through that. I would go insane. You honestly never think that something like this can impact your family. My kids were healthy. Khoen had his share of issues, but nothing too serious, and he was a happy little fellow.
May 31, 2012 started out just like any other day. My friend Victoria and her little boy came over to spend the day with us, and to help out with the kids. The house was loud and crazy, but we were enjoying ourselves.
We talked about the beach, and how her son had never been, and Kaisyn hadn't been, and the boys were just too little for me to take just yet. We started talking about going, and ended up planning a short trip for the next day. Just one night, and come back that Saturday by lunchtime. Nothing big, because I didn't want to be away from the boys for too long.
But it was important to me for me to remind the girls that they were special to me still, too. Kaisyn had really taken up with Dustin at the time, because I always seemed to be busy with the twins. And Makenna was such a sweet big sister, and a help to me, but she could feel that I didn't have as much time for her, and it was affecting her, too.
So I thought it would be a perfect little night away for us girls. And through tears and prayers, I came to peace with leaving the boys with their daddy for the night. They would be in good hands.
So that day, we packed up a few things we would need from my house, and literally carried Khoen around the house with us everywhere. He was a happy baby when he was being spoiled, but he couldn't stand to be put down. So I was used to accomplishing things while holding a baby.
Khoen was a little fussy that day, but nothing concerning. He had bad reflux, and he would have those fussy spells, so I didn't see it as anything out of the ordinary. Besides, like I said, you never think your baby could be gone in the blink of an eye.
That evening, after the girls were asleep, I sat in our green recliner and rocked Khoen, as I did every night, until 2 am, when Dustin and I would switch off. I fed Khoen the bottle at 2, and then he would usually let me lay him down, and I could sleep. And Dustin did the 6 am feeding, so it worked out well.
I rocked him, and snoozed with him a little, and sang to him, and cuddled him. But I still think I took it for granted, because I thought I had years of those cuddles left, until he outgrew my lap.
I swear, had I known, I really would have never put him down. I would have held him until he took his last breath. But he was ok at the time, and he went to sleep after his 2 am bottle as normal, and I thought nothing of it.
We woke up early the next morning, and by 7 am we were ready to go. I kissed Mikah and Khoen both goodbye, and cried a little as I headed out the door, because leaving them was harder than I had imagined it being. But, I was looking forward to my time with my girls, and was able to convince myself I had the next day to cuddle my boys again, so I was ok.
We drove to Charleston, and enjoyed a beautiful day out on the beach. We found this amazing little inlet, and the kids loved playing in the sand. Makenna was unsure of the ocean, but Kaisyn just crawled right in. They had a blast. It rained that evening, so we weren't able to enjoy downtown like we had planned. But we figured we would head there early the next morning, and see downtown before we had to leave and head home.
I called Dustin around 10 pm to check on the babies. He had just finished feeding them both and put them to bed. I was a little surprised that Khoen let him put him to sleep, but at the same time, babies know when there is someone around who will spoil them, and Khoen knew if I was in sight, he could cry and be held. So I thought maybe he was just tired from playing hard with brother and daddy, and was sleepy. I let Dustin go, so he could get some sleep in case one of the boys decided 2am was going to be wake up time for the day.
What happened after that, I can't say for sure. I was in my hotel room asleep. I woke up the next morning, and saw that a precious little girl who had battled leukemia from the age of 5 months old, was having some issues with her heart. Her name was Gabby, and she was always close to mine and Dustin's heart, and we followed her story daily. I had the pleasure of meeting her when Khoen was in the hospital, and stayed in contact with her sweet momma from then on.
Gabby is now an Angel with Khoen, and I know they are great friends. <3
I texted Dustin to see if he had seen it, and got no response. I didn't think anything of it, because I figured he had fallen back asleep with the boys.
My mom called a few minutes later, and the worst day of my life began. She told me I needed to head home right away, that Khoen had been taken to the hospital. She told me he wasn't breathing good, but wouldn't answer any othr questions.
I immediately knew in my gut that something was very, very wrong. I called my dad, who was with Dustin. My dad was crying, and he doesn't cry. I begged him to tell me Khoen was ok. But he just said he was so, so sorry. I asked him if Khoen was ok, and he said no.
I asked him if Khoen was gone, and he said yes.
The rest of the day, and the next few days, is a blur. I think my mind tries to block it out, because it was such a bad time. I was sick, couldn't eat, and couldn't stop the tears. I would scream. I would cry. And I would literally yell Khoen's name at the top of my lungs.
I remember driving to my house a few days after, the night before the funeral, to get a few things for the girls. I was at a stoplight, and just started punching the steering wheel, and screaming. I honestly felt like I was going insane.
I couldn't sleep, because I was too scared of waking up to the Hell that I was living in. I didn't want to feel the pain. I didn't want to see Mikah without Khoen beside of him. I didn't want to try to be ok for my other kids, because at the time, I wasn't ok. At all. I just wanted to hold Khoen.
I wasn't going to view him at the funeral home. I was going to have family take pictures, so I could see them when I was ready. But when we got there, as sick as I felt, I knew I had to go in.
I remember walking through the doors to the big room he was in, and seeing his little casket laying on a table, open and ready for us to see him. I was scared to approach him, because I knew I would want to pick him up and just take off with him, and somehow bring him back to life and make him ok. That had to be possible. He couldn't really be gone.
I think I hid behind Dustin the whole way over. Khoen was so tiny in that tiny casket. And he looked like a little baby doll, not my sweet boy. He was covered in makeup, and was wearing a little hat I brought for him that said Love Me. He was in his little brother onesie, and his khaki pants, and tiny little socks.
I remember touching him, and being able to feel that he wasn't there. I remember how sick it made me. But still, that was his little body, and I wanted so badly to protect it.
I had to leave after a few minutes, because I had a complete breakdown. Mine and Dustin's families went in and viewed him, and when they were done, I went to see him one last time.
Do you know what the hardest part of seeing my 4 month old son laying in a casket was?
It was walking away.
I still can't believe in my heart that as his mother, I just left him there. I went home, and he was there, in a casket. Not with me.
I had to remind myself that he wasn't there, only his tiny little body was.
I am a Christian, and I believe in God and in Heaven, and I know with all of my heart that I will see Khoen again someday. And I know that in talking about that week of my life, I don't mention my faith much at first. That's because honestly, when something like that happens, everyone questions. At first, I was angry with God. Why me? Why my son? WHY KHOEN?! Don't You know how much I need him here? Don't you know how much I love him?
The next day was his funeral. I looked at a picture of his little casket at the funeral for the first time today. Victoria had one on her phone. My mind blocked that image from me, and no matter how much I try to remember, I can't remember seeing his casket laying there. I remember my cousin singing, and our pastor preaching, and all of the people hugging me.
And, once again, I remember leaving.
We stayed around for as long as we could, because I just couldn't leave him there. That's my baby. He may get hot, or cold, and I can't protect him. I can't leave him.
Then, I saw the man on the tractor at the top of the hill, watching for us to leave. I knew in my heart what he was waiting to do, but I couldn't leave so that it wouldn't happen.
We finally made our way to the car, and I felt so sick. As we were sitting there about to leave, I saw the man on the tractor headed our way. I literally started to scream, and my mom had to drive me away as quickly as she could. I watched that man the whole time. I watched as they put my baby into the ground, and I watched that man pick up his pile of dirt, and drop it into the hole. They were really burying my baby. My Khoen.
I cried so hard all the way to my moms. I knew it was going to happen, but I still couldn't believe it. I wanted to badly to get my dads shovel and go save Khoen. Get him out of there and bring him back to me, where he belongs. But for what?
For the 11 months after Khoen passed away, I struggled, but I was able to find peace in my faith, and in knowing that my sweet boy was playing in Heaven, and is happy, and I will see him again.
I still believe this, and it is still what gets me through each and every day. But as I said, reality has hit me, that he isn't coming back. I really can't kiss him or hold him again, until the day God calls me home.
Khoen is God's son, that God gave me the amazing opportunity to be called his mommy. And God is the only person who could possibly love Khoen more than I could.
I still am not sure why Khoen couldn't stay with me, and grow up with his twin brother. But I know that when I get to Heaven, God will show me. I just have to trust in Him until then.
To My Sweet Khoen:
I miss you more and more with each day that passes. I hold a pillow every night, and I dream that it is you. There are morning when I wake up crying, and want to throw that pillow, because it is still just a pillow, and you are still in Heaven.
Makenna talks about you more and more now. She misses you a lot. She left you flowers that she picked on your resting place the other day, because she said she hoped you would see them, and come visit her.
Mommy needs to feel you around me more than ever, and I know that you will do that for me. I am really struggling with the fact that it has been a whole year since I kissed your perfect little cheek.
I don't know why I couldn't keep you here with me, but I know that you know, and you can see God's amazing plan. Please be ready when I get there, Khoen. Please be waiting for me, because I want nothing more than to scoop you up and never have to let you go again.
I'm sorry that I am weak sometimes, and can't stop crying. I try so hard to be strong, because I know that you want me to be, for Makenna, and Kaisyn, and Mikah. Please help me be strong, Kho.
I love you, and I never knew I could miss someone so much. I will see you soon, Khoen. Thank you again this year for the butterflies.
I love you, always and forever.
Your Mommy.
Before I go cry myself to sleep, I want to thank everyone who has been here for me in the past year. I couldn't have made it through without you. Even if I have never met you except online, thank you. I don't think some of you really know how much of an impact you have on my life.
To my angel mommies and families, please know that tomorrow as I remember Khoen, I will be remembering your sweet babies, too. Raidyn, Chloe, Gabby, Justin, Brooklyn, and so, so many more. I love each of you.
Well, I have officially survived the first year without my son. It is June 2, 2013.
Don't ask me today how I'm doing, wait until tomorrow. Then, with the help of Khoen, and the strength of God, I will tell you that I am doing ok. <3
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