Happy Mothers Day.

This year, my Mother's Day was different. Much different than it has been for the past 4 years, since my first Mother's Day with Makenna.

Things with my new job have been chaotic to say the least! The company has been dealing with some serious growing pains, but they are pulling themselves out slowly, and things are getting better. But, unfortunately, it caused some orders I had placed to run late getting here, and I had some people VERY upset with me. And it was hard.

I hate disappointing people, and I can't stand to let people down. I did everything that I could to help the situation, but there was just nothing that could be done. Some people didn't understand that, and didn't really want to hear it, and I can understand where they are coming from. If I had a party, I wouldn't want my guests to be let down either.

But, this was beyond my control. Anyways, I made it through, and orders will come in tomorrow, and I will deliver them. I will continue to do all that I can to make those people happy, and I can't thank them enough for being patient with me and understanding.

The people who were nice to me this weekend, they really don't know how much that helped me out. This weekend was rough on me anyways. I looked back at a picture from last Mother's Day...one where Makenna and Kaisyn were on either side of me, and I was holding my twins. Both of them. Khoen was still here.

Today hit hard that he isn't here anymore. And it hurt. I managed to smile, and make it through the day, and spend time with family, and enjoying the beautiful weather with my kids and my neice and nephew. But not with Khoen.

This time last year, we were actually still in the hospital. Khoen was admitted on the 10th, and spent 3 nights there. He was lethargic, his soft spot was bulging, and he just wasn't himself at all. But, I spend all 3 of those nights, and all 4 of those days, by his side. Just me and my little Kho.

The 2nd and 3rd nights that we were there, the nurse we had was amazing, and she noticed how much Khoen liked to be in my arms. He was having trouble breathing, because he was congested, and he would cry and cry if we tried to lay him in that little hospital crib. Then, the monitors would go crazy, and no one could get any rest.

So she put the side rails up on the bed that was in the room for me, and told me to lay in the bed and hold him, and try to get him to sleep that way. That was the first time ever that he slept through the night. If he would wake up, he would just look at me, wiggle closer, smile, and go back to sleep without crying. (Technically he didn't actually sleep all night...but, it was the first night he didn't cry.) It was honest to God the best 2 nights of my life. Because he was there with me, in my arms, feeling safe, and I was complete.

That means that on this night last year, I was sleeping with him in my arms for what would be the last time ever. Once he came home, he slept next to Mikah again, where he was also content. And I figured I would get another night like that as he grew older.

But now, we are only a little over 2 weeks from the day that Khoen took his last breath. And my heart honestly feels like it is cracking a little more each day that passes. I don't know how I am going to make it through this. I really don't.

Sometimes, through all of the frustrations that are going on in a persons life, I wish they could take a step back, take a deep breath, and consider what is going on in the person that they are upset with's life as well. Feeling like I am letting people down and that they are upset with me is the last thing that I need right now.

I have a lot of thinking to do in the next few days. I have some big decisions to make in my life. I don't know where things are going to go, but I know that I can't continue to wear myself so thin. And to some, I probably don't do much. I am a stay at home mom, and sell jewelry for some extra money, and to keep my mind off of things. But, when you are grieving a child, just waking up and FORCING yourself out of bed in the morning can seem like too much to handle.

Lately, I go to bed every night in tears. And I wake up every morning, realize that this is still my reality, and it isn't just a bad dream, and I cry again. I cry through my shower, then I make myself stop. I get myself together, and I make myself smile and be ok for my other 3 kids.

I make breakfast, play with them, do as much as I can as far as dishes and laundry go, give the little 2 a snack, play with them some more, feed them lunch, pick up Makenna from school, put the little ones down for naps, spend some time with Makenna, get the little ones back up, fix dinner and feed them, give baths, and get the kids all 3 ready for bed. That is basically our daily routine.

But I kid you not....it takes all I have not to break down and scream because as hectic as it is, there should be one more.

I am starting to just feel like I need to get myself together before I start trying to have other people relying on me as well. Because I can't take having people make me feel terrible right now. That's just not what I need. And it has really opened my eyes to just how not ok I really am at the moment.

I am not ok. I admit it. No, I'm not crazy. I'm not sick. I'm not mentally ill. I am GRIEVING. I miss my son. Yes, I have 3 other kids...NO, that doesn't make it easier. Yes, Khoen has a twin, so I still have a baby to take care of. NO, that doesn't help. I can't stand when people assume that.

I hate my reality. I want my old life back. For me, another child isn't the answer, because I know that I can't replace Khoen.

Khoen and I had a really strong bond. It isn't that I was closer to him than I was to Mikah, it was just that he was needier than Mikah, and he needed to be loved on in order to be the happy baby that he was. Mikah was laid back, go with the flow, and just loved everyone. Khoen was mommy-attached.

There was just this feeling when Khoen would look into my eyes, and I swear I think he felt it, too. Just this warmth, and this comfort, that I didn't get from anywhere else. Maybe it was my way of looking into Heaven, so to speak. Maybe God let me have that bond and that feeling when he would look at me and smile, because he knew that I wasn't going to get to keep him for long.

I don't know what it is, I just know that I miss it more than anything. I miss Khoen more than anything. I just want to look into his eyes again. I want to feel that warmth, and that strength, and that perfect peace again. I want to feel whole again. I want to feel happy again. I WANT TO FEEL OK AGAIN.

I am still angry, but angry in a different way. I was in a denial-like phase for a looong time, and it made me have a way to tell myself things were real. That is over now, and the realness of this whole situation hits like a ton of bricks.

To anyone who has been around me, and been here for me, and I haven't been as friendly as usual, or fully been there for you lately, please forgive me. I am struggling. But, I am trying.

I know that I will eventually figure out how to be ok, but I will never be whole. My heart, my whole being, will always have a huge chunk missing.

Oh, Khoen...thank you for letting me know that you are near. I love you so, so much, and I'm sorry that I cry so much. I miss you more than I can express, and I promise I am trying hard. I am trying for you. I love you, and I can't wait to see you again. Stay close by me, sweet boy...I need you more than ever. <3

Happy Mother's Day, to all of the mothers, mothers-to-be, mothers of angels, and fathers who have to play the role of a mother as well. I hope you had an amazing day.