Oh, May...

I honestly can't believe the end of April is already here.

Lately, every day, I've been looking back through pictures each day, and finding a picture from exactly a year ago of Khoen. The images make me smile through tears.

It's so crazy, because I can remember how I felt in the moment that I took the picture. My picture from yesterday (4/26) was of the twins sitting on the couch together, right before bedtime. Mikah was sitting a little behind Khoen, because I had to sit Khoen down for pictures right before we snapped one. Khoen loved to be held by mommy, and would cry if I set him down for long. And yes, I will proudly say that I spoiled the heck out of that baby, and NO I don't regret it. I would have spoiled him more had I known I wouldn't have him in my arms for longer.

In the picture, it looks almost like Mikah is trying to bite Khoen on the shoulder. He was hungry, and still at that stage where if you put something near his mouth, he would try to latch onto it. And at that moment, it was Khoen's shoulder. But they looked so handsome together, and I was so in love. I am still so in love. They are my boys...

Today, my picture was of the boys laying side by side on the table at the doctors office. We were at the hip doctor, waiting to see if he thought that the boys hips were damaged at all by being breech. I can remember it so clearly.

The past week has been incredibly hard. And it seems each day is getting harder. I have been told that things get easier in time, but to me, knowing that the one year is coming up is just making things so much harder.

I miss Khoen so deeply, and my heart just aches so much for him. The other night, I dreamed of him. And it was so real.

I dreamed he was laying in my bed beside me, looking the same as he did last April. He was in my arms, just smiling at me and cooing, and I couldn't have felt more happy and at peace. I can remember feeling him, and smelling him, and hearing him...then I woke up, and only a pillow was in my arms.

I don't think I have cried that hard since last June. Since the first time I opened my eyes, and he was gone.

Death is so hard, because it is so final, and it doesn't take the people who are left behinds feelings into consideration at all.

It was raining today, but we rode through Evergreen, and waved a blew kisses to our sweet boy. It's so hard.

And I still hate the way that this whole situation makes me look at Mikah sometimes. Mikah is my little boy too, and I absolutely adore him. But, there are times when I am snuggling him, and loving on him, and then this sick feeling punches me in the gut. And I automatically feel guilty for loving on him, because I can't love on Khoen. And in my mind, it seems so unfair.

I know that Khoen wouldn't want me to feel that way, but it's hard. I just want to see him and Mikah toddling along beside each other, fighting over toys and playing side by side, like one year old twin boys should be doing.

I watch Mikah and Kaisyn play together, and fight with each other, and make each other made purposely, like toddlers do. And when we go to the grocery story, people ask me EVERY time if the two of them are twins. And every time, my heart breaks all over again.

I never knew before why God gave me the twins when he did. I was on NuvaRing, and Kaisyn was only 4 months old when I found out I was pregnant. But I am starting to see that maybe it was because He knew his plans for our family, and He knew that Khoen wouldn't be with us for long. And he knew that both Kaisyn and Mikah would need that companionship, and that them being close in age was for the best. Kaisyn is only 10 months older than the twins, which seems absolutely crazy.

The twins weren't planned by me, but they were by God. And I know that I can't question Him, because slowly he will show me His ways. But there are times when questions are all we have, and we just want answers. Now. On OUR time.

Once again, I have to remind myself to breathe.

I don't really know how I'm going to make it through May and June to be honest. But, I know that I will. That strength that only He can provide will pull me through, and I will be ok. I will be ok for Makenna, Kaisyn, Mikah, and Khoen.

Khoen, there are just no words that I can say that express how much I miss you. But, I feel like you know that. Mommy loves you so, so much. I am still counting the days until I get to hold you in my arms again in Heaven. Visit me in my dreams again, sweet boy. Mommy just needs one more precious kiss...<3