Happy 1st Birthday, Khoen.

It is almost 11 o'clock. Only an hour away from midnight, and from my boys first birthday. I am an emotional wreck, but I am doing my best to hold it together.

I don't know if I will get a chance to get on here tomorrow and write this, so I wanted to do it tonight.

Tomorrow, I will be focusing on celebrating the amazing progess that my sweet Mikah has made in the past year. My little four-pound, 32 weeker, who couldn't drink from a bottle, and is now trying his hardest to learn to walk holding onto furniture, and stand on his own.

And, I will be making a special trip to pick up some balloons, and take them out to Evergreen, to leave with Khoen, and release later. <3

But tonight, I want to write a letter to my sweet Khoen. The things I want to say to him, but can't. So that's exactly what I'll do.

Khoen,

You are amazing. From the moment I first saw you on the ultrasound screen, you had my heart.

I can remember when I first woke up from my emergency c-section...the first question I asked daddy was if you were ok. During labor, you scared mommy, because you kept dropping your heart rate. But daddy told me you were a strong, healthy boy, and I was so relieved!

The nurses told me you needed a little bit of oxygen when you were first born, but by the time daddy went into the NICU to take pictures for me, you had already proved to them that you were a big boy, and you could breathe just fine on your own!

It seemed like daddy was gone for an eternity when he went to see you and brother for the first time. I couldn't come yet...the nurses wouldn't let me out of my bed until my sedation completely wore off, and not being able to see your sweet face was tearing at my heart. But, when daddy came back, and showed me your pictures, only one word came to mind: Perfect. You are perfect.

Daddy took a picture of your little hand holding his finger, to help me see just how teensy you were. But I was proud of all 4 pounds 6 ounces of you.

The first time I got to come and see you, I cried. Happy tears, and proud tears, and tears of amazement, that you were mine. I remember feeling your skin, and touching your little fingers and toes, and just thinking that my life could not possibly get any better than it was at that moment.

Visiting you in the NICU for the first week was hard. Mommy was exhausted and sore, and riding through the halls in the hospital anticipating your sweet face wasn't fun. I wanted you in my room with me, I wanted to take you home with me. But, you had growing left to do, and I was going to help you do it.

I remember when they told me that Mikah was ready to move to the Progressive Unit, because he was attempting eating a bottle, and he was eating 35mls with no residuals. I tried so hard to get you to try a bottle that night, but you wanted NOTHING to do with it! You were so silly and stubborn. But, I think you knew that I was sad that brother may move without you, because the nurse called us first thing the next morning to tell us that you had been AMAZING all night, tried a bottle, and had no residuals...and you were moving with brother!! I was so excited! Not to mention beaming with pride...you were such a big, strong, brave boy.

Visiting you in the PICN was so much better, because mommy could hold you more, and snuggle you, and feed you, and dress you in sweet little outfits that matched Mikah perfectly! Even though you outgrew your preemie outfits SO fast, and I had to give you big boy outfits, while brother barely fit into his preemies from being so small! You were SO big! And you were so alert...I absolutely loved to just sit and rock you, and sing to you, and talk to you, while you just looked up at me with the sweetest eyes. Dark blue eyes, that we knew would turn brown. You looked a LOT like daddy's little brother.

You probably think I'm crazy, but I remember rubbing your head, and thinking how perfectly round it was. And you had barely any hair, but it was darker than Mikah's, so you looked like you had more than him. You were my only brunette. <3

I remember the day they told me I could bring Mikah home. We had to take some training classes for your monitor that we knew you would be coming home with before we left with Mikah, since we wouldn't be able to come back up together easily once brother was at home. The day went by too quickly, and it was time for us to go. I had been rocking you, and I wasn't ready to leave you. I cried, and your nurse promised she was going to take extra special care of you. I was excited to have brother home, but I didn't want you to be alone. I wanted you with me.

Daddy wanted to do your diaper change before we left, and do you remember what you did to me?! I wasn't even standing next to you, I was sitting in a chair at least 3 feet away! And silly daddy left you uncovered while he got another diaper, and you pee'd ALL over me!! I guess you let me know how you felt about me leaving you, huh? I thought it was funny, and I wasn't mad at all. I just wanted to cuddle you even more.

A week later, it was time for mommy to stay with you. Do you remember that night like I do? You were perfect for me. You let me get some rest, even though it was hard because I was busy taking pictures of you constantly. One of the PICN volunteers had given you an extra special hat to wear, and you were so handsome in it! I still have it...it's in your special box here at our house. Along with your wubbanub pacifier that you always had to have. Sweet little monkey paci.

When we brought you home, life was perfect. You were the best baby. You were a little spoiled by mommy, or a lot in daddy's eyes, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

I remember one night when you went to Walmart with me and your godmommy, and you were silly and threw your paci UNDER a shelf! But you were so cute, we couldn't be upset. You were in your yellow Mickey Mouse shirt that night. I'll never forget.

Mommy had you spoiled at night, and you had to be held a certain way on my shoulder to eat your bottle and go to sleep. I rocked you that way every night. I don't know if I fully appreciated it then like I do now. I think I always knew I would have tomorrow. Not that I didn't enjoy it, i just took it for granted. I'll never do that again. Because if I could have just one more night with you in my arms, rocking in the green chair, asleep on my shoulder, I wouldn't move the whole  night. I would just hold you and love on you for as long as I could.

Mommy still feels guilty that I wasn't here when you gained your wings, and I want to tell you that I'm sorry. Sometimes I wonder if you looked for me that night, since I wasn't here to rock you. If you were sad, and missed me as much as I missed you. I know daddy took such good care of you, and I'm sure you made him spoil you a little. But had I known that would be your last night with me, I would have been there for you, and held you until you took your last sweet breath.

I still don't know what happened. The certificate they mailed me says SIDS, but I don't believe them. Mommy knew there was something more, and I promise you I did all I could to make if better. I really did. I took you to all the doctors, and I trusted what they said. Then the next day, I would trust my mommy-gut and take you back. But all of the tests said you were ok, and so did all of the doctors. If I could have done more, I'm sorry. I really am.

I hope you know that I love you more than life itself, and I miss you with every breath I take. Not a moment goes by when you don't cross my mind, and when I don't feel you in my heart.

Sometimes, when we take videos at our house, we see something special in them. Is that you? If it is, please don't leave. I take comfort in that being you, and I don't want to lose that too.

I am so happy for you, Khoen. I'm happy that you don't have to feel pain, or sadness, or anything less than complete happiness. I'm happy that you are in Heaven, and in the arms of Jesus. I know you are so well taken care of, and I know grandmom and grandad spoil you so much. Please tell them how much I miss them, too. It's not easy for me without them, and it's even harder for me without you.

Sometimes I feel like I don't know where to go without you here, and I feel like I'm going crazy trying to find you. And other times, I can just look up at the sky, and smile, and feel peace knowing you are right beside me.

Right now, I can feel you hugging my heart.

I wish so much I could watch you eat your first cake with Mikah tomorrow. I wish so much I could watch you and him side by side, opening your presents, like twins should do. I wish so, so much that you were here, so I could be smiling rather than crying.

I know you are going to have a birthday party like we can't even imagine. A perfect party, with all of your favorite things, whatever they may be now. I wish I knew.

Makenna asks me all the time if you like certain things. Random things, out of no where. I think that's because you tell her that you like them, so that she can tell me.

Please don't stop letting Makenna, Kaisyn, and Mikah know that you are here. I don't want them to ever stop knowing that you are REAL. You are not a dream, you are so real, and the biggest blessing I have ever recieved was when God chose me to be your mommy.

I know that I had more time with you than anyone else on this earth. I had 7 months with you in my tummy, and 4 months with you in my arms. But it will never seem like enough.

You know what will be enough? When I get to spend eternity with you in Heaven. I can not WAIT to hold you again! You better get ready for the biggest squeeze in history, because I am not going to be able to let go!

If I had it my way, I would be able to look at you in a crib right now next to Mikah, rather than visiting you in Evergreen. But, God had extra special plans for you, and I can't be angry at that. I have to believe that, because without it, there would be no hope. No knowing that it isn't goodbye, but I'll see you later. And that would never be good enough for me.

I KNOW I will see you again. I know God is real. You proved that to me, and I will never be able to thank you enough for that gift. Did you even know that you did something that powerful for mommy? You are THAT special! Absolutely Perfect. Those are the only words that fit perfectly with Khoen Lee. <3

Thank you for being such a perfect son. I am so thankful that I am your mommy. I am going to send you some balloons for your birthday, and I hope you enjoy them! You big sissy's are going to blow some bubbles up to you, too...Makenna chose that. She loves you so much, and she misses you a lot. Please let her know that you are ok, and you are near.

I love you, sweet boy, and I miss you more than words can express. I don't know how to say it any other way. You are amazing, and perfect, and I will continue to think of you every day for the rest of my life. Thank you for letting me know that you are ok.

Happy 1st birthday, Khoen Lee McGinnis. I will be celebrating you, and I know you will feel it. I love you so, so much.

Love Always,
Mommy.

It officially took me an hour to write this, due to me crying. And at this exact moment, it is 12:01 am.

It is my twins first birthday.

Happy 1st birthday, Mikah James McGinnis. And Happy 1st birthday, Khoen Lee McGinnis. I love you both so much, and you will always be my dream come true. <3