Growing up.

Summer is almost over, and this year has flown by so far. My oldest daughter just turned 5, and will be starting kindergarten this year. That just seems unreal. She was just born; she was just learning to walk and talk...and now she is a sweet, smiley, independent little 5 year old, who absolutely can't wait for her first day of school. 

My younger daughter is 2 and a half now, and is so vibrant and full of herself. She is determined that she can do anything her sissy does, and definitely thinks the world revolves around her. She is loud and sassy, but can be the absolute sweetest child you'll ever meet. A true little diva!

And little Mikah....well, isn't so little anymore! He thinks he is a monkey, and builds his own obstacles to climb to get himself as far off the ground as possible. He is spunky and a little over dramatic, with the most high-pitched scream I've ever heard. But he is so sweet, and so much fun to be around. He is talking so well, which sometimes makes me sad. He's my baby, and he is growing too quickly. 

Tonight has been really hard. As I sat thinking of how much those 3 have grown, I found myself listening to 'Hug Him Once For Me' for the millionth time this year.  I remembered how it felt to snuggle with Khoen, and hug him up to me so tightly. I tried to think of how it would feel to hug him now....

Sometimes when I try to imagine how he would look, I just see Mikah. I guess because they are twins. But then I feel sad, because I know he wouldn't look like Mikah. Mikah looks like my girls, with blonde hair and blue eyes. Khoen was opposite. He has brown hair, and dark eyes that were almost blue-brown. He had a different face shape, and a different body type than Mikah. Mikah is tiny, like his oldest sister, Makenna. Khoen was built bigger, like Kaisyn. 

I think that's when things seem to hurt the most; when I realize that I don't know what my own son would look like at 17 months old. I shouldn't have to 'imagine' what my son would look, and feel, and smell, and sound like. I should be able to see it. I should know. I want him here so badly. 

People still tell me all the time how I'm so strong. How all angel mothers are so strong, and they don't see how we do it. People ask me how I get through. Truth is, I don't know. I don't feel strong. I just continue to try and be the mother that my other kids deserve to have. As what Khoen would want. 

But sometimes, we can't be strong, and that's when we need our family and friends the most to carry us through. Tonight, I couldn't be strong. I needed to break down. And usually, that's when I feel Khoen the most. When I'm at my weakest, and I have been crying for hours; not just crying, sobbing...where I can't breathe, and my chest hurts, and my stomach is churning, and I run out of tears. Then, I somehow find myself staring at the sky and smiling. And I have no clue where the smile came from, or how I could possible form one on my face with the hurt that my heart feels. That's when I know Khoen is right beside me, holding my heart, and telling me he is ok, and it's ok to cry. It's ok to miss him. I love that little boy to the moon and back, a million times. 

In the song, it says, 

'And when I get to Heaven, and see all you have done,
I know that I will understand, and to him I will run, 
I'll hug him once for me, 
Hold him up real close,
He'll sit upon my knee, 
And tell me all the things you've taught him, about you,
He'll whisper in my ear, 
One more simple truth,
He'll tell me that he loves you,
And that he loves me too.'

I can't imagine the happiness and the love that I will feel when I can see him again, and run up and grab him into my arms to stay forever. I can't imagine how amazing it will feel to finally hear his little voice, that I never heard here on earth, tell me that he loves me. 

I love you so, so much, Khoen. And I miss you more and more each day. Thank you for hugging my heart tonight, and staying by my side. I want so badly just to kiss you, but I blew you kisses to the sky, and I'm sure you caught them. I love you, baby.