Bibles & Mermaids

I haven't blogged in quite a while, but tonight I can't think of anything else to do. It has been one crazy week. 

The thing about having multiple young children and illnesses....it seems like once we catch something, it goes around, then goes BACK around before it leaves us alone! And this has just been one of those weeks where, illness wise, I feel like I honestly can't win for losing. 

It was Kaisyn last week, with her nasty cough and throwing up in her bed. And now it's poor Mikah. But he seems to have her illness times 10.

This week, we've made 2 doctors trips for him, been on antibiotics, cleaned up puke, gone through 2 bottles of Tylenol, and religiously used numbing ear drops for his ears. Yet tonight, his fever has been hanging out around 104, and it sucks. I hate seeing him feel bad...but, I am loving all the baby snuggles! 

Hopefully his fever will break overnight, and tomorrow will be a much better day. 

In other news, I found a support group on Facebook specifically for parents of twin-less twins. And though I have cried reading through all of their stories, it has been incredible to talk to people who can 100% relate to how it feels to have one twin while grieving the other. So thankful to have found it, and to be able to be a part of it. I am hoping it will help me through the hardest days...birthdays, holidays, angelversaries, etc. Not to mention everyday struggles. 

One thing that has been weighing on my heart lately is how I feel about my family being complete. 

(No, I am not considering another baby at this time. I will explain.)

When I found out I was having the twins, I knew I was done having babies. Then, finding out they were both boys and the perfect completion to our household reaffirmed that for me. Four kids felt chaotic, but normal, and happy. 

I still have 4 kids, but only 3 to care for on a daily basis. And that is hard, and stressful, and chaotic, yet it somehow still feels empty. It's weird. 

There are times when I am so fed up at the end of the day at the screaming, the attitudes, the fighting, the messes, that I am ready to say lets go tie my tubes tomorrow! But, I just can't make myself do anything that permanent just yet. 

I can't even fathom having another baby right now. Nor for years. I am mentally and emotionally not in the right place, and I know that for me personally, it will take years for me to overcome where I am right now. Climbing out of the pits of grief is not an easy process, not is it one foot in front of the other, and just keep walking. Sometimes, you slide back down, and have to start all over again.

Honestly, the thought of another baby terrifies me at the moment. I know that, if I got pregnant, I would want Khoen. If I found out it was a girl, I would be upset, because it wasn't Khoen. If I found out it was a boy, I would still be upset, because he still wouldn't be Khoen. And even if I had another son who happened to look exactly like Khoen, I would still be upset because he isn't Khoen, and Mikah isn't by his side...as in, he isn't a twin. 

In other words, my heart still just wants Khoen too deeply to try and figure out how to deal with those emotions right now. Maybe someday, but not soon. 

I know that God has a plan, and if it is His will for me to have another child in my lifetime, then it shall be. And then, I will be ok. I will once again figure out how to be strong, for my family and that baby, and for Khoen. 

Changing subjects again.....but, I am pretty sure my kids are continually trying to tell me they want another dog, haha. Kaisyn and Mikah crawl around 'barking' multiple times a day. I am still having to tell Kaisyn that she isn't supposed to actually lick me in the face like a dog does....but, that lesson is taking some time. When she is a dog, she is in the moment, and beware, because she will lick you! And Mikah is absolutely hilarious as a 'puppy'...he just crawls up to you, screams 'WOOF!', and stays with his head pushed up against your leg until you pet him! It doesn't matter if you wait 5 minutes...he isn't budging until you rub that puppy's head! 

Makenna, well she is occasionally a puppy, but mostly a horse. I desperately want to take her to actually see and pet horses...she is so obsessed! They are on her clothes, in her drawings, in her playtime imaginations, in her dreams, and when we play school, you guessed it.....there are horses IN the school! (She periodically has to stop teaching and go let the horses out, or catch one because it is running away. Hilarious.)

But unfortunately for Makenna, there just isn't room in this townhouse for a horse. And there isn't patience in mommys life at the moment for a puppy! Too many toys on the floor, kiddos on the carpet, and noise in each room. Although, it would be nice not to have to sweep so often!

All in all, we are doing ok. We struggle, but we smile. And we find a way to make it through each situation placed in our laps. 

Thankful to God for loving me through all of it. 

Oh, last cute Makenna tale....she has been so pumped to check out her first book from the school library, and had to miss it Tuesday because they had pictures and didn't get to go. They went today, and she was excitedly telling me all about it on the ride home from school. I asked her what book she chose, and her response was, "Well, they didn't have the Bible, so I chose The Little Mermaid." Bless that sweet child's heart. <3

Tylenol and temp check time for Mikah, so goodnight all!