Well, its officially July 2. Which means, its officially one month since Khoen passed away.
And today, well, still tonight technically.....my heart aches not just for my precious boy, but for my twins.
This grieving process has been a learning experience, and it has been tough. And sometimes I feel as though grieving for Khoen and grieving for my twins are two separate pains altogether. They hurt in different ways. But, they both tear my heart into pieces.
I finished up the girls and Mikahs outfits I was making for the 4th of July this evening. And, it ended in a crying fit. One of the screaming-for-Khoen-shaking-cant-breathe-cant-stop type of crying fits. I feel sure any mother who has lost a child can relate.
I just couldn't bear to imagine that I will have to face the 4th without him. I want him there so much. I have no idea how I will get through bigger holidays in the future...
I did, however, make Khoen a hat that matches Mikahs, just as I was going to do before he passed away. I was originally going to make his onesie, too....but it hurt too much. It would hurt to make it, and then to realize all over again he couldn't wear it. So I settled for the hat.
I will place it on his grave for the 4th, and pick it up the following day. I want him to have it, just like Mikah. But, I also want to keep it forever, as I will Mikahs.
On the back of the girls and Mikahs shirts, there is a message to Khoen. It says 'miss & love you, brother, twin.' Some may not understand why. But I had to send him the message. We do miss him and love him, so much. And he is a brother. And he is a twin.
Why does that hurt so much more tonight than usual?
I just want them both on my chest. One more time, before they no longer both fit. Mikah is getting so big. I can't imagine how much Khoens little chubby booty would weigh by now. He had even finally started to have a little fat roll on each thigh. Adorable, perfect.....my heart hurts.
My head doesn't even seem to be forming correct sentences, so excuse any lack of correct grammar or spelling, please. Sometimes, its hard to see through tears....especially to type on a phone.
One of my favorite things about having twins (besides the adorable pictures in matching outfits, of course) was watching the boys lay together, both on one playmate, and "play" as I called it. They weren't old enough or big enough to do much. But they would wiggle and squirm, and when they got to where they were touching, they would lay, content and happy. They would smile.
They loved each other.
If they were fussy, the easiest way to calm them both at once was to lay them together. They would almost instantly just turn their faces into each other, nestle close, and fall asleep. How perfect?
This morning, at church, Mikah began to get a little fussy during the service. My sweet aunt went to calm him, while Dustin and I listened to the rest of the sermon, and enjoyed a song of praise and a powerful prayer. As we were walking out, I could see my aunt with Mikah, talking to a precious family, and I burst into tears. In the middle of a crowd.
I went to find my cousin, and she just held me, as I cried, and was shaking, and trying to regain my composure.
The family has two adorable twin girls, about a year old. They are beautiful, and it broke my heart again. Like I've said before, I'm overjoyed for families who have twins. I just miss mine.
The twin girls sweet mother didn't know about Kho passing away yet, and cried when my aunt shared the news. I wasn't able to approach my aunt until they had left.
I don't like seeming rude, because I'm not trying to be. I want to be able to go and talk to them, get hugged and comforted by fellow twin mommies....but, sometimes I'm stronger than other times. And sometimes, I am just scared to approach in fear that my tears will cause them guilt, which I don't want to do.
But, I can't hold those tears back right now. I try, but I can't. They come through with a force more powerful than I've learned to control.
At that moment, I wanted so badly for Dustin to step up beside me holding Khoen, and me to realize this wasn't true. Ugh, what a nightmare....thank God its over!
........
But, that isn't going to happen. Khoen won't come back to me. But someday, not too far away, I will go to him.
I can see Mikah sleeping in his crib while I write. And it makes me feel happy, and sad, and proud, and crushed. I'm happy to have him. He is amazing, and I love him and his precious little personality to the moon and back, twice. But, I'm sad that he's sleeping alone. That we don't have another teensie little roommate.
And I'm proud of how big and strong Mikah is becoming, and how smart he is proving to be. But, I'm crushed that I will never see him interact with his brother again, and can't watch to see how they would play as they grew. Together. Like twins are supposed to. I really want my twins.
Mommy is trying so hard to be strong, Khoen. I really am. But it gets tough, sweet boy. I smile through so much of the pain, then the tears just come. I just can't wait to hold you again. I want to kiss those chubby cheeks, and see that little birthmark....and just sing 'Blessings' to you as you fall asleep, because you always seemed to love that one. I found another bib you had worn the day before I left for Charleston...I can't wash it. Mommy can't get rid of that sweet smell. Sometimes I feel like I have so little of you left here with me. And I ache for more. So I sleep with that bib on my bedside table now.
Makenna says you are playing lots of games up in Heaven. She tells me about your girlfriend Chloe, and your best friend Raidyn. She tells me how you guys love all the colors of the rainbow, and how you love to play with Gentry. She tells me Grandmom and Grandad love playing with you, too. I wonder what you guys get to do.....it sure must be amazing. I can't wait until you can show me.
Your buddy Raidyn is about to have his first birthday this month, and its hard on his sweet mommy. I love her, Kho. I know you sent her to me as a friend, and I'm so thankful baby. She is too awesome. But please, watch over her with Ray this month, as always. But she really needs some extra comfort right now. I'm trying to be here for her all I can. We are going to have so much fun at his party. I know you will be there, right beside Raidyn. Both smiling so big. Both so happy. And you guys will make sure Chloe comes too, I know it. What a heavenly birthday party its going to be. :)
You're amazing Khoen. And the One who is holding you is amazing. My faith is in Him fully, and I promise to lead your sisters and twin brother to Him as much as I can. We will be together again soon, sweet boy. Our whole family. Stay with me through this, Khoen. I need you here.
I love you, sweet boy.....I know you've had an amazing first month in Heaven. Mommy misses you, little man.
My Khoen, My Angel.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Angelversaries...
Well, to say the least, its been a rough night.
I guess, really, its been building for the past 2 days. But tonight, I just felt fully overwhelmed by my emotions, and couldn't hold myself up any longer.
It started on Monday, when I was doing my normal, everyday mommy things, and was going to wash a load of laundry. While we stayed with my mom, she was generous enough to do it for me, so it was the first time since we were back at home that I attempted washing Mikahs clothes. I had already washed towels and mine and Dustins clothes, but not Mikahs.
I set the washer, put in the dreft, and started emptying his hamper into the washer. Then, I proceeded to spend 15 minutes looking this house up and down for more clothes. I kept telling Dustin there was just no way that was all he had dirty! He always has a full load, almost overflowing......not a medium sized load! Then it hit me........ This was Mikahs laundry. Not Mikah and Khoens, just Mikahs.
Ouch.
I immediately started to cry. With the twins, it was like I could never keep enough clothes, bibs, and blankets spit-up free and clean.....with Mikah, its like he can't dirty all the stuff we have quick enough! But, that's because he is using clothes, bins, and blankets that were, just a month ago, used for two babies.
Even our dryer, which is pretty much a dinosaur and takes about 3-4 cycles just to dry one full load, dried his clothes in just 1.5 cycles. That was another energy saving yet very painful reminder.
It's little things like that that seem to get to me the most. Then, last night as I was doing dishes, I, without giving it a second thought, left a place for two sets of bottles on the top rack. I've done dishes plently since last month, but just wasn't thinking that time.
So, with tears streaming down my face again, I loaded just Mikahs bottles. And, again, felt like someone had stabbed me for the millionth time straight through the heart.
It's funny to me sometimes how my mind works so much off routine and memory. I know when its time to get Mikah dressed for the day that I only need one diaper and one outfit. Yet I find myself with two diapers in hand, looking at the cute little matching outfits and trying to decide the best fit for the day.
I know in time it will get easier, but now it just seems to be getting harder by the day.
A sweet friend of mine who I unfortunately haven't seen since high school, and also a mother of precious twin girls, sent me the sweetest gift so unexpectedly. She gave me a necklace with my sweet Khoens name on it, two little footprints, and a small pearl. It's gorgeous, and hasn't left my neck since I opened it except to sleep.
And when those hard moments happen now, I find myself rubbing that necklace, rubbing my little Khoens name, when I miss him most. And somehow, it actually seems to help. It's a small reminder that he's here.
He will always be right here with me, even if only in my heart.
This Saturday seems to be approaching at a speed that I am not a fan of. Tomorrow will be the 4 week anniversary of the last full day I spent with my precious son. Friday will be the 4 week mark of me kissing him for the last time. And Saturday will be 4 weeks since he took his last earthly breath. It's strange how even these short anniversarys, or his "angelversaries", can be so painful.
It's going to be a hard week and weekend for our family. And also our financial stresses are in high gear, considering Dustins job has given him ZERO hours since Khoen passed (he seriously needs a new one, its getting ridiculous....), and funeral expenses are all due in July. But, we just keep praying, and we know we will be able to work things out.
We set a goal as a family to have Khoens footstone by his first birthday. It seems so far away, but its going to take a lot of saving. They definitely are not cheap, and we are by no means well off. But we make due.
I'm hoping my crafty side can eventually come up with something to make in his honor and sell to help us raise money. We'll see. Either way, I know God will eventually help us work something out. I just can't let myself get overwhelmed by finances right now, since life itself is a bit too much at the moment.
On a lighter note, we are getting closer to raising enough money for Khoens bear! Makenna is so excited.....she can wait to hold it. We have 3 more days to get the rest of the money, so we are just praying for a blessing!
Kaisyn has officially learned to run, and she is just about as clumsy as her big sister! Both my girls seem to be constantly covered in bruises from falling....but are so independent and tough, it never slows them down! And it makes me happy to know they are that way. Strong, independent, beautiful, sweet little girls......who are also stubborn and as strong willed as they come. ;)
It's also amazing to me how much God really will show you He's there if you will just listen. I don't know what I would do without my Faith. Well, I do know.....I would be on the crazy floor of the hospital right now!
But I can feel God working in my life more than ever, even through all my pain. And as much as I'm hurting for my baby, I am excited to see where this path God has chosen for me will take me, while on my journey to see Him and Khoen in Heaven.
It started on Monday, when I was doing my normal, everyday mommy things, and was going to wash a load of laundry. While we stayed with my mom, she was generous enough to do it for me, so it was the first time since we were back at home that I attempted washing Mikahs clothes. I had already washed towels and mine and Dustins clothes, but not Mikahs.
I set the washer, put in the dreft, and started emptying his hamper into the washer. Then, I proceeded to spend 15 minutes looking this house up and down for more clothes. I kept telling Dustin there was just no way that was all he had dirty! He always has a full load, almost overflowing......not a medium sized load! Then it hit me........ This was Mikahs laundry. Not Mikah and Khoens, just Mikahs.
Ouch.
I immediately started to cry. With the twins, it was like I could never keep enough clothes, bibs, and blankets spit-up free and clean.....with Mikah, its like he can't dirty all the stuff we have quick enough! But, that's because he is using clothes, bins, and blankets that were, just a month ago, used for two babies.
Even our dryer, which is pretty much a dinosaur and takes about 3-4 cycles just to dry one full load, dried his clothes in just 1.5 cycles. That was another energy saving yet very painful reminder.
It's little things like that that seem to get to me the most. Then, last night as I was doing dishes, I, without giving it a second thought, left a place for two sets of bottles on the top rack. I've done dishes plently since last month, but just wasn't thinking that time.
So, with tears streaming down my face again, I loaded just Mikahs bottles. And, again, felt like someone had stabbed me for the millionth time straight through the heart.
It's funny to me sometimes how my mind works so much off routine and memory. I know when its time to get Mikah dressed for the day that I only need one diaper and one outfit. Yet I find myself with two diapers in hand, looking at the cute little matching outfits and trying to decide the best fit for the day.
I know in time it will get easier, but now it just seems to be getting harder by the day.
A sweet friend of mine who I unfortunately haven't seen since high school, and also a mother of precious twin girls, sent me the sweetest gift so unexpectedly. She gave me a necklace with my sweet Khoens name on it, two little footprints, and a small pearl. It's gorgeous, and hasn't left my neck since I opened it except to sleep.
And when those hard moments happen now, I find myself rubbing that necklace, rubbing my little Khoens name, when I miss him most. And somehow, it actually seems to help. It's a small reminder that he's here.
He will always be right here with me, even if only in my heart.
This Saturday seems to be approaching at a speed that I am not a fan of. Tomorrow will be the 4 week anniversary of the last full day I spent with my precious son. Friday will be the 4 week mark of me kissing him for the last time. And Saturday will be 4 weeks since he took his last earthly breath. It's strange how even these short anniversarys, or his "angelversaries", can be so painful.
It's going to be a hard week and weekend for our family. And also our financial stresses are in high gear, considering Dustins job has given him ZERO hours since Khoen passed (he seriously needs a new one, its getting ridiculous....), and funeral expenses are all due in July. But, we just keep praying, and we know we will be able to work things out.
We set a goal as a family to have Khoens footstone by his first birthday. It seems so far away, but its going to take a lot of saving. They definitely are not cheap, and we are by no means well off. But we make due.
I'm hoping my crafty side can eventually come up with something to make in his honor and sell to help us raise money. We'll see. Either way, I know God will eventually help us work something out. I just can't let myself get overwhelmed by finances right now, since life itself is a bit too much at the moment.
On a lighter note, we are getting closer to raising enough money for Khoens bear! Makenna is so excited.....she can wait to hold it. We have 3 more days to get the rest of the money, so we are just praying for a blessing!
Kaisyn has officially learned to run, and she is just about as clumsy as her big sister! Both my girls seem to be constantly covered in bruises from falling....but are so independent and tough, it never slows them down! And it makes me happy to know they are that way. Strong, independent, beautiful, sweet little girls......who are also stubborn and as strong willed as they come. ;)
It's also amazing to me how much God really will show you He's there if you will just listen. I don't know what I would do without my Faith. Well, I do know.....I would be on the crazy floor of the hospital right now!
But I can feel God working in my life more than ever, even through all my pain. And as much as I'm hurting for my baby, I am excited to see where this path God has chosen for me will take me, while on my journey to see Him and Khoen in Heaven.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
To Khoen...
Khoen,
I know you already know, because you are our angel and can see. But, I want to share with you anyways, because as your mommy, I like sharing everything with you, just as I do your big sissys, and your twin brother.
Mommy and daddy are trying to get a special teddy bear made in memory of you. It's going to be so cool, because it will really weigh how much you did when you went to live with Jesus! How amazing is that?
I will forever be able to hold my little Khoen bear, and remember, in a sense, how it felt to hold you. And, through the goodness of God, and people who love you even though they didn't get to meet you, we are over halfway there!
You are so special, Khoen! And loved by so many!
Of course, nothing can replace for me the sweet feeling of holding you, but this will help mommy so much. And your big sister Kenna, too. She misses you a lot, Kho.
Lately, she's been crying for you more, and begging for you to come back from Heaven. We know you can't come back, and after the glorious things you have seen where you are now, you wouldn't want to! And its ok, we understand.
It's hard for us, here on Earth, to deal with how it feels to not have you in our arms, in our laps. But its amazing to have your memory, every precious ounce of it, in our hearts.
You didn't get to stay with us long, and it hurts mommy to think about it. Mommy was so excited when you were born, and I couldn't wait to watch you grow up, and see your relationship with your siblings, especially your brother Mikah.
But now, mommy feels selfish. I want you here, to wipe your tears, and rock you, and teach you to play games, and have sleepovers where we stay up late and eat popcorn and watch movies.....to watch you play sports, to give you baths, to comfort you when you're scared. I want to be mommy to you in every sense of the word.
I have to constantly remind myself that you are happy, and you won't have tears, or fears, and get to have fun all day, every day. And as much as I love you, and daddy loves you, and Makenna, Kaisyn, and Mikah love you, God loves you MORE. You are that special, baby.
We are going to put the shirt you last wore on your bear, so it will both feel like you, and smell like you. So I can hold it when I cry for you, and just remember your sweet, perfect little face.
I miss you so much, sweetie, but I promise I will see you soon. It may seem like eternity to me here on Earth, but it will be a flash to you. And mommy is never going to let you go again. What an amazing day that will be.
Watch over us, Khoen, as I know you will. And watch over those who are helping us.....they are truly some amazing people. (Hold him tight, Lord.....and let him know how much we love him. I trust you to do that Lord. I love you)
Mommy loves you Kho, and I miss you more everyday. See you soon, baby....love you, always. Your Mommy.
Mommy and daddy are trying to get a special teddy bear made in memory of you. It's going to be so cool, because it will really weigh how much you did when you went to live with Jesus! How amazing is that?
I will forever be able to hold my little Khoen bear, and remember, in a sense, how it felt to hold you. And, through the goodness of God, and people who love you even though they didn't get to meet you, we are over halfway there!
You are so special, Khoen! And loved by so many!
Of course, nothing can replace for me the sweet feeling of holding you, but this will help mommy so much. And your big sister Kenna, too. She misses you a lot, Kho.
Lately, she's been crying for you more, and begging for you to come back from Heaven. We know you can't come back, and after the glorious things you have seen where you are now, you wouldn't want to! And its ok, we understand.
It's hard for us, here on Earth, to deal with how it feels to not have you in our arms, in our laps. But its amazing to have your memory, every precious ounce of it, in our hearts.
You didn't get to stay with us long, and it hurts mommy to think about it. Mommy was so excited when you were born, and I couldn't wait to watch you grow up, and see your relationship with your siblings, especially your brother Mikah.
But now, mommy feels selfish. I want you here, to wipe your tears, and rock you, and teach you to play games, and have sleepovers where we stay up late and eat popcorn and watch movies.....to watch you play sports, to give you baths, to comfort you when you're scared. I want to be mommy to you in every sense of the word.
I have to constantly remind myself that you are happy, and you won't have tears, or fears, and get to have fun all day, every day. And as much as I love you, and daddy loves you, and Makenna, Kaisyn, and Mikah love you, God loves you MORE. You are that special, baby.
We are going to put the shirt you last wore on your bear, so it will both feel like you, and smell like you. So I can hold it when I cry for you, and just remember your sweet, perfect little face.
I miss you so much, sweetie, but I promise I will see you soon. It may seem like eternity to me here on Earth, but it will be a flash to you. And mommy is never going to let you go again. What an amazing day that will be.
Watch over us, Khoen, as I know you will. And watch over those who are helping us.....they are truly some amazing people. (Hold him tight, Lord.....and let him know how much we love him. I trust you to do that Lord. I love you)
Mommy loves you Kho, and I miss you more everyday. See you soon, baby....love you, always. Your Mommy.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Twins
I can still remember sitting at Crisis Pregnancy Center waiting for my ultrasound.
Dustin had lost his job about a month before, and things were really a struggle. We couldn't get an appointment with my doctor yet, due to a lapse in our insurance policies. So, we confirmed our pregnancy at CPC, and were going to find out how far along we were.
The ultrasound tech took us back to a room, and was talking with us as we got ready. We told her how this pregnancy had been a complete surprise, since we had a 4 month old daughter, and had been on NuvaRing since she was born. She asked if we were ready for another baby so soon, and my husband jokingly said, "Yeah, as long as its just number 3, and not 3 and 4!"...
A few minutes later, he ate those words! The tech paused on my stomach, and pointed at the screen. She slowly showed us our baby.....and our baby #2! We were really pregnant with twins!
I spoke in an earlier post about how it had always been my dream to have twins, and its true. I mean since I was Makennas age, I wanted twins. I would write strories when I was younger, and in them I always had twins.
The moment I found out I had twins in my tummy was a moment to stop and praise God for his blessings. My dream had come true.
As they grew in my tummy, it got harder and harder to get sleep. One would kick and kick, and as soon as he stopped, the other would start. It seemed constant! But it was such an amazing feeling, so I would talk to baby #1 while he was kicking, then talk to baby #2 while he went wild. I loved it.
Around 14 weeks pregnant, I started having severe pain in my stomach, and terrible cramping. We went to the hospital, because it was a weekend and after hours. There, they did an ultrasound, and determined both babies seemed ok. They also did a test on some fluid that had been leaking, and it came back inconclusive. They couldn't tell if it was amniotic fluid, or just a scare. So they sent me home on bedrest until I could see my normal physician.
That Monday, we went to my doctor. I laid on the table while the nurse listened for heartbeats, and prayed with all my heart. She found one easily, but couldn't find a second. I was terrified.
They decided to do an ultrasound that day to see what was going on. The ultrasound tech there is awesome. Her name is Allison, and she makes it so much fun.
As soon as she started the ultrasound, she found both heartbeats. There were 2 healthy babies, and plently of fluid. She decided to see if we could tell what they were, even though it was early. And when she told us 2 boys, I fell in love with those babies all over again.
We started to think about names. Khoen was the first name we came up with, and it stuck. We loved it, and thought it was perfect. We decided to do either 2 k names, or an m and a k name, like Makenna and Kaisyn. It took until the boys were almost here to come up with Mikah. We decided Mikah would be the first baby born, and Khoen would be baby #2. It was going to be Mikah Blake and Khoen Lee.
On February 4, as I laid in the hospital in preterm labor, hooked up to IVs and feeling pretty terrible, my sweet grandad passed away on the floor below me. I was on the 8th floor, and he was on the 7th. That day, we decided Mikahs middle name was going to be James, after my grandad, since Khoen was Lee, after my grandpa, my dad, and me.
And 3 short days later, Mikah James and Khoen Lee came into the world.
Every day when I see my scar from my emergency c section, I thank God again for Khoen. His heart rate had dropped twice during preterm labor, and again after Mikah was born.
I cried when I first saw them. They were tiny, beautiful, and perfect. I was thrilled. I had my twins. I had my sons. Nothing could be any better.
During their NICN stay, we got our house ready. We had 2 carseats, 2 bouncers, 2 swings.....double the clothes, 2 double strollers, and their crib all set up. We were ready to have them home!
The day we were bringing Mikah home, Khoen peed all over me from his bassinet, and I was in a chair like 3 feet away, no joke. Dustin was changing him, and didn't keep him covered. And he missed Dustin, and shot it straight at me. It was so funny.
Once all of Mikahs things were packed, and he was in his carseat ready to go, I started crying. Hard. I didn't want to leave my sweet little Khoen there. By then, I had been having my nightmares about Khoen, and was scared to leave him alone. Plus, he had never been away from Mikah, and Mikah had never been away from Khoen. I didn't want to seperate them.
But, knowing he was going to follow soon after, and that the girls and Mikah needed me at home, too, I reluctantly left.....and cried the whole way home.
It was only a week later when I roomed in at the hospital with him, and brought him home to complete our family. The FIRST thing I did was put him and Mikah next to each other and, of course, started snapping pictures. My twins! Seriously, no better feeling.
Makenna was excited, and couldn't wait to hold both brothers together. Kaisyn was a little unsure, but warmed up to them quickly, covering them in sloppy 10 month old kisses. My family was perfect.
I loved taking the twins places, even just to doctors together. Anyone with twins knows what I mean. When you have a new baby, you may get stopped sometimes and told how precious your new little one is. But when you have twins, EVERYONE stops you! And I was proud of my duo, so I was happy to show them off.
It's an amazing feeling when your lifelong dream really has come true, and you are living it. The sleepless nights, the double crying, the 16 bottles a day.....all of it completely worth it. I was on top of the world.
We had planned their first Halloween already, and were going to do thing 1 and thing 2, even though it may have been cliche. I was so excited. And we daydreamed about how fun Christmas would be, and the 4 stockings, 4 times the presents. And their first birthday.....I was going to make their 2 little cakes to play in, and already knew how I was going to design them. Way too early, I know. But you don't understand....they were my dream come true. No planning was too early!
The morning of June 2.....the phone call that changed everything......my world literally fell apart.
All of my dreams for their future felt crushed.
No thing 1 and thing 2.
Sure, we are still going to have 4 stockings at Christmas, but Khoen won't be here to play in his.
My lifelong dream that had finally come true.....my once-in-a-lifetime amazing treasure......had been ripped from underneath my feet, and I honestly felt like I would never be able to stand again.
Now, I see twins everywhere. I saw them at Chick-fil-A, when I went with my sister. They sat next to us at Jacksons t-ball game, when I tried to get out and clear my head, and just have fun. And, on that hard day of Mikahs checkup without Khoen, the lady in line to check out before me had a double stroller....with two little twins boys, a little older than mine.
I'm still a mother to twins, too, although I don't feel people will look at me as such. I carried them in my belly, I birthed them, and I loved them more than I thought was imaginable.
I'm so happy for all the mothers that have twins, and love seeing their pictures, and watching as their little ones grow. But I hope I can still be looked at as a mother of twins, too. I didn't get the chance to watch mine grow together. I didn't get holidays and birthdays, but I got Easter. And I will cherish those memories forever.
Now, I have Mikah. I love on him, take care of him, and tuck him in at night.....then I cry. And his twin brother, I visit at the cemetary often.
I find things I want to take Khoen, but am scared someone will steal. After all, someone stole our wreath with his name on it. Why someone would do such a thing, I will never understand. But it broke my heart a little more, and now I'm scared of them taking other things of Khoens.
I've been working on Khoens scrapbook, and I love it. Sometimes, I look at it and cry. Other times, I look at it and smile. But either way, I love it. And it is perfect to me, just like Khoen was. Is. He is perfect to me.
The pain of losing him is sometimes unbearable. Intolerable. It hurts so deep it makes me sick to my stomach, and I cry so hard my head pounds.
I see him in my dreams, and wake up in tears that I can't go pick him up. The memories of his soft, warm, baby skin are so perfect to me. The memory of his cold skin at the viewing is a nightmare.
And even now, I'm in tears. I know he is happy. I know he is in heaven. I know Jesus is holding him, and he has no tears.
And I believe Psalm 139:16.
"All the days ordained for KHOEN were written in his book before one of them came to be."
I know Khoen lived his life according to Gods will, and did his job here on earth. He brought me smiles through the losses of both grandad and grandmom. His little smile and his little hands holding me made me feel safe, and comfortable, and loved.
But I'm human. I'm selfish. I want him here. I want to watch my boys grow together. I want that for Mikah. And today, the tears won't stop.
Today is a hard day. Today, my heart is so broken for Khoen, and I'm still learning how to maneuver days like this. I pray, and I cry. I try to smile, but still cry. I hold my other babies, but still the tears flow.
I want Khoen. I miss Khoen. I need Khoen. I yell for Khoen. I long for Khoen. I cry for Khoen. I just want my son.
But I trust you, Lord, to get me through this. To get us through this. Somehow. I need you more now than ever.
Please kiss my Khoen for me. Tell him how much I love him. Tell him how happy he made me while he was in my arms. And tell him how excited I am to see him again. How I am going to hold him forever.
Please tell him to show me how happy he is every now and then. Just hold him for me, Lord, until I get there. I know you will.
I miss him, and I love him so much. Give me strength, Lord. Give us all strength. Amen.
I love you so much, Khoen. I miss you so so much. You will always be my baby, and my little cuddlebug. Love you, sweet boy.
Dustin had lost his job about a month before, and things were really a struggle. We couldn't get an appointment with my doctor yet, due to a lapse in our insurance policies. So, we confirmed our pregnancy at CPC, and were going to find out how far along we were.
The ultrasound tech took us back to a room, and was talking with us as we got ready. We told her how this pregnancy had been a complete surprise, since we had a 4 month old daughter, and had been on NuvaRing since she was born. She asked if we were ready for another baby so soon, and my husband jokingly said, "Yeah, as long as its just number 3, and not 3 and 4!"...
A few minutes later, he ate those words! The tech paused on my stomach, and pointed at the screen. She slowly showed us our baby.....and our baby #2! We were really pregnant with twins!
I spoke in an earlier post about how it had always been my dream to have twins, and its true. I mean since I was Makennas age, I wanted twins. I would write strories when I was younger, and in them I always had twins.
The moment I found out I had twins in my tummy was a moment to stop and praise God for his blessings. My dream had come true.
As they grew in my tummy, it got harder and harder to get sleep. One would kick and kick, and as soon as he stopped, the other would start. It seemed constant! But it was such an amazing feeling, so I would talk to baby #1 while he was kicking, then talk to baby #2 while he went wild. I loved it.
Around 14 weeks pregnant, I started having severe pain in my stomach, and terrible cramping. We went to the hospital, because it was a weekend and after hours. There, they did an ultrasound, and determined both babies seemed ok. They also did a test on some fluid that had been leaking, and it came back inconclusive. They couldn't tell if it was amniotic fluid, or just a scare. So they sent me home on bedrest until I could see my normal physician.
That Monday, we went to my doctor. I laid on the table while the nurse listened for heartbeats, and prayed with all my heart. She found one easily, but couldn't find a second. I was terrified.
They decided to do an ultrasound that day to see what was going on. The ultrasound tech there is awesome. Her name is Allison, and she makes it so much fun.
As soon as she started the ultrasound, she found both heartbeats. There were 2 healthy babies, and plently of fluid. She decided to see if we could tell what they were, even though it was early. And when she told us 2 boys, I fell in love with those babies all over again.
We started to think about names. Khoen was the first name we came up with, and it stuck. We loved it, and thought it was perfect. We decided to do either 2 k names, or an m and a k name, like Makenna and Kaisyn. It took until the boys were almost here to come up with Mikah. We decided Mikah would be the first baby born, and Khoen would be baby #2. It was going to be Mikah Blake and Khoen Lee.
On February 4, as I laid in the hospital in preterm labor, hooked up to IVs and feeling pretty terrible, my sweet grandad passed away on the floor below me. I was on the 8th floor, and he was on the 7th. That day, we decided Mikahs middle name was going to be James, after my grandad, since Khoen was Lee, after my grandpa, my dad, and me.
And 3 short days later, Mikah James and Khoen Lee came into the world.
Every day when I see my scar from my emergency c section, I thank God again for Khoen. His heart rate had dropped twice during preterm labor, and again after Mikah was born.
I cried when I first saw them. They were tiny, beautiful, and perfect. I was thrilled. I had my twins. I had my sons. Nothing could be any better.
During their NICN stay, we got our house ready. We had 2 carseats, 2 bouncers, 2 swings.....double the clothes, 2 double strollers, and their crib all set up. We were ready to have them home!
The day we were bringing Mikah home, Khoen peed all over me from his bassinet, and I was in a chair like 3 feet away, no joke. Dustin was changing him, and didn't keep him covered. And he missed Dustin, and shot it straight at me. It was so funny.
Once all of Mikahs things were packed, and he was in his carseat ready to go, I started crying. Hard. I didn't want to leave my sweet little Khoen there. By then, I had been having my nightmares about Khoen, and was scared to leave him alone. Plus, he had never been away from Mikah, and Mikah had never been away from Khoen. I didn't want to seperate them.
But, knowing he was going to follow soon after, and that the girls and Mikah needed me at home, too, I reluctantly left.....and cried the whole way home.
It was only a week later when I roomed in at the hospital with him, and brought him home to complete our family. The FIRST thing I did was put him and Mikah next to each other and, of course, started snapping pictures. My twins! Seriously, no better feeling.
Makenna was excited, and couldn't wait to hold both brothers together. Kaisyn was a little unsure, but warmed up to them quickly, covering them in sloppy 10 month old kisses. My family was perfect.
I loved taking the twins places, even just to doctors together. Anyone with twins knows what I mean. When you have a new baby, you may get stopped sometimes and told how precious your new little one is. But when you have twins, EVERYONE stops you! And I was proud of my duo, so I was happy to show them off.
It's an amazing feeling when your lifelong dream really has come true, and you are living it. The sleepless nights, the double crying, the 16 bottles a day.....all of it completely worth it. I was on top of the world.
We had planned their first Halloween already, and were going to do thing 1 and thing 2, even though it may have been cliche. I was so excited. And we daydreamed about how fun Christmas would be, and the 4 stockings, 4 times the presents. And their first birthday.....I was going to make their 2 little cakes to play in, and already knew how I was going to design them. Way too early, I know. But you don't understand....they were my dream come true. No planning was too early!
The morning of June 2.....the phone call that changed everything......my world literally fell apart.
All of my dreams for their future felt crushed.
No thing 1 and thing 2.
Sure, we are still going to have 4 stockings at Christmas, but Khoen won't be here to play in his.
My lifelong dream that had finally come true.....my once-in-a-lifetime amazing treasure......had been ripped from underneath my feet, and I honestly felt like I would never be able to stand again.
Now, I see twins everywhere. I saw them at Chick-fil-A, when I went with my sister. They sat next to us at Jacksons t-ball game, when I tried to get out and clear my head, and just have fun. And, on that hard day of Mikahs checkup without Khoen, the lady in line to check out before me had a double stroller....with two little twins boys, a little older than mine.
I'm still a mother to twins, too, although I don't feel people will look at me as such. I carried them in my belly, I birthed them, and I loved them more than I thought was imaginable.
I'm so happy for all the mothers that have twins, and love seeing their pictures, and watching as their little ones grow. But I hope I can still be looked at as a mother of twins, too. I didn't get the chance to watch mine grow together. I didn't get holidays and birthdays, but I got Easter. And I will cherish those memories forever.
Now, I have Mikah. I love on him, take care of him, and tuck him in at night.....then I cry. And his twin brother, I visit at the cemetary often.
I find things I want to take Khoen, but am scared someone will steal. After all, someone stole our wreath with his name on it. Why someone would do such a thing, I will never understand. But it broke my heart a little more, and now I'm scared of them taking other things of Khoens.
I've been working on Khoens scrapbook, and I love it. Sometimes, I look at it and cry. Other times, I look at it and smile. But either way, I love it. And it is perfect to me, just like Khoen was. Is. He is perfect to me.
The pain of losing him is sometimes unbearable. Intolerable. It hurts so deep it makes me sick to my stomach, and I cry so hard my head pounds.
I see him in my dreams, and wake up in tears that I can't go pick him up. The memories of his soft, warm, baby skin are so perfect to me. The memory of his cold skin at the viewing is a nightmare.
And even now, I'm in tears. I know he is happy. I know he is in heaven. I know Jesus is holding him, and he has no tears.
And I believe Psalm 139:16.
"All the days ordained for KHOEN were written in his book before one of them came to be."
I know Khoen lived his life according to Gods will, and did his job here on earth. He brought me smiles through the losses of both grandad and grandmom. His little smile and his little hands holding me made me feel safe, and comfortable, and loved.
But I'm human. I'm selfish. I want him here. I want to watch my boys grow together. I want that for Mikah. And today, the tears won't stop.
Today is a hard day. Today, my heart is so broken for Khoen, and I'm still learning how to maneuver days like this. I pray, and I cry. I try to smile, but still cry. I hold my other babies, but still the tears flow.
I want Khoen. I miss Khoen. I need Khoen. I yell for Khoen. I long for Khoen. I cry for Khoen. I just want my son.
But I trust you, Lord, to get me through this. To get us through this. Somehow. I need you more now than ever.
Please kiss my Khoen for me. Tell him how much I love him. Tell him how happy he made me while he was in my arms. And tell him how excited I am to see him again. How I am going to hold him forever.
Please tell him to show me how happy he is every now and then. Just hold him for me, Lord, until I get there. I know you will.
I miss him, and I love him so much. Give me strength, Lord. Give us all strength. Amen.
I love you so much, Khoen. I miss you so so much. You will always be my baby, and my little cuddlebug. Love you, sweet boy.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
His Grace is Sufficient
On Monday morning, I tried to take a step in the right direction. I went to speak to a counselor that both my sister and mother have been to talk to before. I still want to go to some kind of group therapy, but I thought that maybe she could help me learn how to deal with my anger since the loss of Khoen. Because that is my biggest issue; I am so angry that he is not here with me, and that hurts me the most.
Anyways, she was able to help me some, and I thought maybe I could share what she spoke with me about. I thought maybe it could help someone else who is going through this, or dealing with really anything stressful in life. Although, this is more about grief and pain.
After I shared my story about Khoen with her, and went through about 10 tissues from crying, it was time for me to listen. And she started talking to me about how much my attitude towards this whole event can directly impact how the rest of my life plays out.
Let me say this....my attitude is kind of a sensitive subject to me right now. There are times when I am in a bad mood, simply from missing my son, and being frustrated, and angry, and just ready to attack anyone who tries to tell me I have a bad attitude. How am I supposed to have a good attitude when my SON is GONE? How am I supposed to be happy and positive and look at things with a smile when I am in this much pain? When all I want to do is cry? Are you crazy, lady?
Thats when she told me to think about a stop sign. May sound silly, but just hear me out. She explained that I have to stop myself. I can't keep thinking about how sad and hurt I am, and keep focusing all of my energy on just missing Khoen. Yes, I still have to grieve his loss. And that means that of course I am still going to have bad moods, bad days, and lots of tears. But I can't let it overtake my whole day.
"People are disturbed not by things, but by the views they take of them."
-Epictetus.
"The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven."
-Milton.
"We have met the enemy, and he is us."
-Pogo.
It took me a few times reading each of these quotes to really understand what they actually meant. And now, I can see what she means....if I keep focusing on how miserable I am without Khoen here, I am not going to be able to enjoy the rest of my life, and the lives of Makenna, Kaisyn, and Mikah. And Khoen wouldn't want that. I don't want that. I want to learn to be happy. I just know that my truest happiness will not come again until I am reunited with Kho in Heaven. But that doesn't mean that I am doomed to be miserable the rest of my days on Earth.
So I have to give up all the "must" statements in my life. I have to quit with the could of, should of, would ofs. I am constantly saying to myself, "I should have been there. I could have saved him. I would of held him all night, and made sure he was ok."
....Stop, Meredith. Take a deep breathe, and just STOP.
Stop focusing on the things that I CAN'T change. I wasn't there. And had I been there, I more than likely would have done nothing differently. You don't put your children to bed at night with the fear that they aren't going to wake up the next morning. No one does. No one believes it can happen to their child. I didn't believe it could happen to my child.
But it did. And focusing on that fact is only causing me to have irrational fears about Makenna, Kaisyn, and especially, Mikah. Its causing me to be angry and depressed, and feel like I just want to run away. But run away from what?
"God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardship as the pathway to peace; taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is; not as I would have it; trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will; so that I may be reasonable happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next. AMEN."
-Reinhold Niebuhr.
There is no truer prayer from my heart than that. I can't change the fact that Khoen is no longer in my arms, but I can change the way I look at it. I can honor him by caring for his sisters and brother, and loving them just as I would have him as well. Just as I DO love him as well. I know which things I can't change, and I have to start focusing on things that I can. Slowly, but surely.
I do have to take things one day at a time, and enjoy one moment at a time. Any more than that is overwhelming to me right now. I can't look at next year and say, "Ugh, its not going to be any easier by then. I can't get there. I CAN'T DO THIS."
....Stop Meredith, take a deep breathe.
I have to accept that this is the path that Jesus chose for me. He chose to show my just how strong I am, maybe so that I can help others through their pain as well. Not yet....I am not at the point where I could really be helpful yet, unless you are walking right here with me. And the mothers who have lost and feel my pain, you are right here with me. And I will help as much as I can, just as you have all helped me.
This world is not perfect, and is full of pain. It always will be. But Heaven is perfect. And someday, I will be there, walking with Jesus, walking with Khoen. I can't wait until that day. Until then, I surrender myself fully to His will. That is the only way I know I will someday have true happiness again.
Psalm 139:16
"Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."
....All the days ordained for Khoen, were written in His book before one of them came to be.
.....That is a hard reality to us here on Earth, but a perfect plan in God's eyes. To Him, Khoen lived exactly as he should have. He did exactly what he should. He brought us SUCH immense happiness while he was here. He brightened EVERY day with his huge smile, his bright eyes, his precious coo. And, when his days were over, as short as they seem to me, to my family, to everyone, he was rewarded with his acceptance into Heaven; with his eternal body, and eternal happiness; with his seat at the feet of Jesus. How perfect and amazing is that?
2 Corinthians 12:9
"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."
Your grace is sufficient for me, Lord. Help me to realize that as I continue on this journey.
The last thing I spoke with the counselor about is the one that is honestly the hardest thing for me, and it is something I will have to learn to deal with over time. It is the prayer request I have for everyone who wants to know how they can pray for me right now.
Pray for me to learn to love Mikah without hurting so deeply for Khoen.
You may not really understand what I mean, but I'll try to explain. I was overwhelming myself by thinking now about each of Mikah's birthdays; his graduations; his first steps; his first sports; his first EVERYTHING; and how painful it was going to be for me to watch each of these things with a smile, and not just cry, cry, cry over Khoen not being beside him. He is a TWIN.
But, I don't want Mikah to think I love him less than I did Khoen, because that isn't valid. I love all of my children equally. I hurt for Khoen right now, so I cry for him...just as I would any of my children who weren't here with me.
I don't want to spend each of Mikah's important life moments crying. I want to learn how to honor both Mikah AND Khoen on those days, and that's what I struggle with now. Today, I'm not there. Tomorrow, I won't be there. On Mikah and Khoen's first birthday, I can tell you I highly doubt I will be there. But, I will be trying, and praying relentlessly for His widsom in how to achieve that.
And I know, through His perfect will, I will get there. I just need time. For His grace is sufficient for me....I have to keep remembering that.
And today, I'm praying hard for my friends who have lost their little ones to remember that as well. It's hard, and I'm not perfect. I have spent more time crying than smiling even AFTER the counseling appointment. But through time, together, we will learn how to go on, and feel at peace. Because Hannah, and Ashley, his grace is sufficient for ALL of us. And He is walking us through.
And Khoen, Raidyn, and Chloe are leading our way. <3 I love you all, I really do.
Anyways, she was able to help me some, and I thought maybe I could share what she spoke with me about. I thought maybe it could help someone else who is going through this, or dealing with really anything stressful in life. Although, this is more about grief and pain.
After I shared my story about Khoen with her, and went through about 10 tissues from crying, it was time for me to listen. And she started talking to me about how much my attitude towards this whole event can directly impact how the rest of my life plays out.
Let me say this....my attitude is kind of a sensitive subject to me right now. There are times when I am in a bad mood, simply from missing my son, and being frustrated, and angry, and just ready to attack anyone who tries to tell me I have a bad attitude. How am I supposed to have a good attitude when my SON is GONE? How am I supposed to be happy and positive and look at things with a smile when I am in this much pain? When all I want to do is cry? Are you crazy, lady?
Thats when she told me to think about a stop sign. May sound silly, but just hear me out. She explained that I have to stop myself. I can't keep thinking about how sad and hurt I am, and keep focusing all of my energy on just missing Khoen. Yes, I still have to grieve his loss. And that means that of course I am still going to have bad moods, bad days, and lots of tears. But I can't let it overtake my whole day.
"People are disturbed not by things, but by the views they take of them."
-Epictetus.
"The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven."
-Milton.
"We have met the enemy, and he is us."
-Pogo.
It took me a few times reading each of these quotes to really understand what they actually meant. And now, I can see what she means....if I keep focusing on how miserable I am without Khoen here, I am not going to be able to enjoy the rest of my life, and the lives of Makenna, Kaisyn, and Mikah. And Khoen wouldn't want that. I don't want that. I want to learn to be happy. I just know that my truest happiness will not come again until I am reunited with Kho in Heaven. But that doesn't mean that I am doomed to be miserable the rest of my days on Earth.
So I have to give up all the "must" statements in my life. I have to quit with the could of, should of, would ofs. I am constantly saying to myself, "I should have been there. I could have saved him. I would of held him all night, and made sure he was ok."
....Stop, Meredith. Take a deep breathe, and just STOP.
Stop focusing on the things that I CAN'T change. I wasn't there. And had I been there, I more than likely would have done nothing differently. You don't put your children to bed at night with the fear that they aren't going to wake up the next morning. No one does. No one believes it can happen to their child. I didn't believe it could happen to my child.
But it did. And focusing on that fact is only causing me to have irrational fears about Makenna, Kaisyn, and especially, Mikah. Its causing me to be angry and depressed, and feel like I just want to run away. But run away from what?
"God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardship as the pathway to peace; taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is; not as I would have it; trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will; so that I may be reasonable happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next. AMEN."
-Reinhold Niebuhr.
There is no truer prayer from my heart than that. I can't change the fact that Khoen is no longer in my arms, but I can change the way I look at it. I can honor him by caring for his sisters and brother, and loving them just as I would have him as well. Just as I DO love him as well. I know which things I can't change, and I have to start focusing on things that I can. Slowly, but surely.
I do have to take things one day at a time, and enjoy one moment at a time. Any more than that is overwhelming to me right now. I can't look at next year and say, "Ugh, its not going to be any easier by then. I can't get there. I CAN'T DO THIS."
....Stop Meredith, take a deep breathe.
I have to accept that this is the path that Jesus chose for me. He chose to show my just how strong I am, maybe so that I can help others through their pain as well. Not yet....I am not at the point where I could really be helpful yet, unless you are walking right here with me. And the mothers who have lost and feel my pain, you are right here with me. And I will help as much as I can, just as you have all helped me.
This world is not perfect, and is full of pain. It always will be. But Heaven is perfect. And someday, I will be there, walking with Jesus, walking with Khoen. I can't wait until that day. Until then, I surrender myself fully to His will. That is the only way I know I will someday have true happiness again.
Psalm 139:16
"Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."
....All the days ordained for Khoen, were written in His book before one of them came to be.
.....That is a hard reality to us here on Earth, but a perfect plan in God's eyes. To Him, Khoen lived exactly as he should have. He did exactly what he should. He brought us SUCH immense happiness while he was here. He brightened EVERY day with his huge smile, his bright eyes, his precious coo. And, when his days were over, as short as they seem to me, to my family, to everyone, he was rewarded with his acceptance into Heaven; with his eternal body, and eternal happiness; with his seat at the feet of Jesus. How perfect and amazing is that?
2 Corinthians 12:9
"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."
Your grace is sufficient for me, Lord. Help me to realize that as I continue on this journey.
The last thing I spoke with the counselor about is the one that is honestly the hardest thing for me, and it is something I will have to learn to deal with over time. It is the prayer request I have for everyone who wants to know how they can pray for me right now.
Pray for me to learn to love Mikah without hurting so deeply for Khoen.
You may not really understand what I mean, but I'll try to explain. I was overwhelming myself by thinking now about each of Mikah's birthdays; his graduations; his first steps; his first sports; his first EVERYTHING; and how painful it was going to be for me to watch each of these things with a smile, and not just cry, cry, cry over Khoen not being beside him. He is a TWIN.
But, I don't want Mikah to think I love him less than I did Khoen, because that isn't valid. I love all of my children equally. I hurt for Khoen right now, so I cry for him...just as I would any of my children who weren't here with me.
I don't want to spend each of Mikah's important life moments crying. I want to learn how to honor both Mikah AND Khoen on those days, and that's what I struggle with now. Today, I'm not there. Tomorrow, I won't be there. On Mikah and Khoen's first birthday, I can tell you I highly doubt I will be there. But, I will be trying, and praying relentlessly for His widsom in how to achieve that.
And I know, through His perfect will, I will get there. I just need time. For His grace is sufficient for me....I have to keep remembering that.
And today, I'm praying hard for my friends who have lost their little ones to remember that as well. It's hard, and I'm not perfect. I have spent more time crying than smiling even AFTER the counseling appointment. But through time, together, we will learn how to go on, and feel at peace. Because Hannah, and Ashley, his grace is sufficient for ALL of us. And He is walking us through.
And Khoen, Raidyn, and Chloe are leading our way. <3 I love you all, I really do.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Happy Fathers Day from Heaven
Today was Father's Day, and it was tough. And as hard as it was for me, I know it was twice as hard for Dustin. I was able to snap a picture of Dustin holding Makenna, Kaisyn, and Mikah, and I will treasure it forever. But as much as it makes me smile, it still makes me cry.
I just want so much for Khoen to be in the picture, too. I know he can't be...won't be...but I want it so bad. And Dustin did, too. More than anything.
We let the girls swim outside for a long while this afternoon, and even put Mikah into the pool for the first time. He actually liked it! And, of course, the girls loved it. They are little water-bugs. :)
Afterwards, Kenna and I were swinging on my parents backyard swing, just talking and looking at the clouds. She told me she was sad, and when I asked her why, she told me she wanted Khoen to come back from Heaven. For some reason, it hit me in the gut. Not only because I wanted NOTHING more than the exact same thing, but because it was hard to hear my 3 year old missing her baby brother so much.
We talked for a while about Heaven, and how happy Khoen is there. I told her that she can talk to him whenever she misses him, and tell him, and he can hear her...she just can't hear his response. But I told her that he sends her butterflies to make her smile, and remind her that he is still here with her. We saw a tiny, blue baby butterfly, and it landed RIGHT next to us on the grass. Kenna was so excited, and I was even able to get close to it and take a picture. She kept telling Khoen thank you and that she loved him and missed him. It made me both smile and tear up at the same time.
Kenna has been talking to me a lot about Heaven lately. In a way, she has developed a fear of it, and I'm trying to work with her to get her past that. But its hard with her being only 3.
She loved my grandmom and grandad so much, and was always so excited to go to their house, or even to visit my grandmom in the hospital during her stays. And when grandad died, she handled it decently. She didn't fully understand at first, but was happy to go visit grandmom in the hospital. I think she still just thought he was on more of a "vacation" and she would just see him eventually.
But when grandmom died, it was a little harder for her. A little more real. She realized we weren't going to their house anymore. We weren't visiting the hospital anymore. We weren't calling them on the phone anymore just to chat, which Kenna LOVED and grandmom did, too. And she told us often that she missed them.
At the time, we had explained to her that when people get older, Jesus eventually calls them to live with him, and be happy and carefree, and in no more pain. Of course, she didn't fully grasp that, either. But she was able to realize what we meant when we told her grandmom could walk again, and was able to dance and was feeling so good now. That thought made her happy.
Then, Khoen passed away. She didn't understand while we were driving home from Charleston. She didn't understand when we were going to his funeral, and when we were all crying constantly for the first week. She is just now beginning to see that she is here, Kaisyn is here, and Mikah is here....they are doing fun things, playing outside, swimming, etc.....and Khoen is gone.
And she hurts for him, too. That is hard for me as a mommy as well. But seeing her excitement when we saw that butterfly, and all the other ones we have seen around her yard, makes me feel a little better. She knows that those are Khoen's way of making her smile and telling her he loves her and misses her, and she loves that. That is what is making her feel better, and is getting her through this.
Tonight, just before the sun was setting, we went to visit Khoen. And it was harder this time then it has been the past few days that I've been. I cried harder this time. I longed for my little boy a little more this time. Actually, I don't think the longing ever lets up. But still, tonight was exceptionally painful.
Mostly because when it was time to go, it was like, "Ok, Kenna and Kaisyn, tell baby brother bye. Mikah, tell Khoen you love him and will see him soon."
.....
That alone just hurts. To tell my other kids to tell him see you soon. Why can't I just bring him home with us? Why do I have to visit him in a cemetary? WHY IS MY SON NOT IN MY ARMS?
I have to calm myself down in those moments of extreme frustration and pain and anger, all in one, with strength that can ONLY come from the Lord. Because I am telling you now, that strength doesn't come from me alone. It can't.
Sometimes I have moments where I feel so broken and so hurt that I want to just lay down and do nothing, and just cry and beg for Heaven. No, I don't want to die. I don't want to leave my other kids and my husband, or anyone else in my family. Or my friends. But boy, do I want to be with Khoen.
Kenna's fear of Heaven has mainly been that she doesn't want to lose me. She has begged me more than once in the past 2 weeks, with tears in her eyes, not to go to Heaven. "Then I won't have a mommy anymore, just like I don't have a Khoen anymore."
Ouch. I can just feel her pain, and I hate it. I have tried to explain that I will be here with her until she is all grown up, and she doesn't have to worry about that. Mommy isn't leaving. But that is a fear of hers now that I can't remove, only God can through time. She lost her great grandparents and baby brother so close together, and that is a LOT for her little mind to grasp. And I hate that for her.
That is just another reason for me to be so strong right now, even when I feel like I can't. Even when I feel like I want to hit my knees and stay there....like I have no strength to go on. I have to. For Makenna. For Kaisyn. For Mikah. For Dustin. For my parents. For my sister and brother in law. For my niece and nephew. For my cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and friends. For everyone.
And also, for Khoen. Because I want him to be proud of me when I see him again. I want HIM to know that I'm strong, and him to say, "See, Mommy? I knew you could do it. I was with you the whole time, and I am so lucky to be your son."
I am so lucky Khoen is my son. And I love him, and miss him so much.
Before I retire to feed Mikah and put him to sleep, I have to share a funny story. Well, funny to me....
As I gave Kenna her bath, she kept yawning, but would answer no when I asked if she was tired. She never likes to admit to being tired....she is a little ball of energy! But finally, when we were about to drain the water, she said, "Mommy, I'm avented." ...I asked her two times what she meant, and she just kept repeating "avented," haha. So I asked if she meant exhausted, and she said, "No, no no no, Mommy, avented. You know, like when you're really tired and just want to go to sleep." I tried telling her the word really was exhausted, but she would NOT let it go. I love her vocabulary, and even her stubborness to be correct. I love everything about that little girl, her sister, and her twin brothers.
On that note, this "avented" mommy is going to get everything settled, and get herself into bed! Happy Father's Day to all, and have a good night!
Missing you, Kho....see you soon. Love you, cuddlebug. <3
I just want so much for Khoen to be in the picture, too. I know he can't be...won't be...but I want it so bad. And Dustin did, too. More than anything.
We let the girls swim outside for a long while this afternoon, and even put Mikah into the pool for the first time. He actually liked it! And, of course, the girls loved it. They are little water-bugs. :)
Afterwards, Kenna and I were swinging on my parents backyard swing, just talking and looking at the clouds. She told me she was sad, and when I asked her why, she told me she wanted Khoen to come back from Heaven. For some reason, it hit me in the gut. Not only because I wanted NOTHING more than the exact same thing, but because it was hard to hear my 3 year old missing her baby brother so much.
We talked for a while about Heaven, and how happy Khoen is there. I told her that she can talk to him whenever she misses him, and tell him, and he can hear her...she just can't hear his response. But I told her that he sends her butterflies to make her smile, and remind her that he is still here with her. We saw a tiny, blue baby butterfly, and it landed RIGHT next to us on the grass. Kenna was so excited, and I was even able to get close to it and take a picture. She kept telling Khoen thank you and that she loved him and missed him. It made me both smile and tear up at the same time.
Kenna has been talking to me a lot about Heaven lately. In a way, she has developed a fear of it, and I'm trying to work with her to get her past that. But its hard with her being only 3.
She loved my grandmom and grandad so much, and was always so excited to go to their house, or even to visit my grandmom in the hospital during her stays. And when grandad died, she handled it decently. She didn't fully understand at first, but was happy to go visit grandmom in the hospital. I think she still just thought he was on more of a "vacation" and she would just see him eventually.
But when grandmom died, it was a little harder for her. A little more real. She realized we weren't going to their house anymore. We weren't visiting the hospital anymore. We weren't calling them on the phone anymore just to chat, which Kenna LOVED and grandmom did, too. And she told us often that she missed them.
At the time, we had explained to her that when people get older, Jesus eventually calls them to live with him, and be happy and carefree, and in no more pain. Of course, she didn't fully grasp that, either. But she was able to realize what we meant when we told her grandmom could walk again, and was able to dance and was feeling so good now. That thought made her happy.
Then, Khoen passed away. She didn't understand while we were driving home from Charleston. She didn't understand when we were going to his funeral, and when we were all crying constantly for the first week. She is just now beginning to see that she is here, Kaisyn is here, and Mikah is here....they are doing fun things, playing outside, swimming, etc.....and Khoen is gone.
And she hurts for him, too. That is hard for me as a mommy as well. But seeing her excitement when we saw that butterfly, and all the other ones we have seen around her yard, makes me feel a little better. She knows that those are Khoen's way of making her smile and telling her he loves her and misses her, and she loves that. That is what is making her feel better, and is getting her through this.
Tonight, just before the sun was setting, we went to visit Khoen. And it was harder this time then it has been the past few days that I've been. I cried harder this time. I longed for my little boy a little more this time. Actually, I don't think the longing ever lets up. But still, tonight was exceptionally painful.
Mostly because when it was time to go, it was like, "Ok, Kenna and Kaisyn, tell baby brother bye. Mikah, tell Khoen you love him and will see him soon."
.....
That alone just hurts. To tell my other kids to tell him see you soon. Why can't I just bring him home with us? Why do I have to visit him in a cemetary? WHY IS MY SON NOT IN MY ARMS?
I have to calm myself down in those moments of extreme frustration and pain and anger, all in one, with strength that can ONLY come from the Lord. Because I am telling you now, that strength doesn't come from me alone. It can't.
Sometimes I have moments where I feel so broken and so hurt that I want to just lay down and do nothing, and just cry and beg for Heaven. No, I don't want to die. I don't want to leave my other kids and my husband, or anyone else in my family. Or my friends. But boy, do I want to be with Khoen.
Kenna's fear of Heaven has mainly been that she doesn't want to lose me. She has begged me more than once in the past 2 weeks, with tears in her eyes, not to go to Heaven. "Then I won't have a mommy anymore, just like I don't have a Khoen anymore."
Ouch. I can just feel her pain, and I hate it. I have tried to explain that I will be here with her until she is all grown up, and she doesn't have to worry about that. Mommy isn't leaving. But that is a fear of hers now that I can't remove, only God can through time. She lost her great grandparents and baby brother so close together, and that is a LOT for her little mind to grasp. And I hate that for her.
That is just another reason for me to be so strong right now, even when I feel like I can't. Even when I feel like I want to hit my knees and stay there....like I have no strength to go on. I have to. For Makenna. For Kaisyn. For Mikah. For Dustin. For my parents. For my sister and brother in law. For my niece and nephew. For my cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and friends. For everyone.
And also, for Khoen. Because I want him to be proud of me when I see him again. I want HIM to know that I'm strong, and him to say, "See, Mommy? I knew you could do it. I was with you the whole time, and I am so lucky to be your son."
I am so lucky Khoen is my son. And I love him, and miss him so much.
Before I retire to feed Mikah and put him to sleep, I have to share a funny story. Well, funny to me....
As I gave Kenna her bath, she kept yawning, but would answer no when I asked if she was tired. She never likes to admit to being tired....she is a little ball of energy! But finally, when we were about to drain the water, she said, "Mommy, I'm avented." ...I asked her two times what she meant, and she just kept repeating "avented," haha. So I asked if she meant exhausted, and she said, "No, no no no, Mommy, avented. You know, like when you're really tired and just want to go to sleep." I tried telling her the word really was exhausted, but she would NOT let it go. I love her vocabulary, and even her stubborness to be correct. I love everything about that little girl, her sister, and her twin brothers.
On that note, this "avented" mommy is going to get everything settled, and get herself into bed! Happy Father's Day to all, and have a good night!
Missing you, Kho....see you soon. Love you, cuddlebug. <3
Friday, June 15, 2012
One More Thing....
I've already written my post for the day, and don't have too many thoughts in my head. But, I wanted to share something that has REALLY made me smile tonight!
When I was staying with my sweet little Khoen in Hemby Childrens Hospital, I had the amazing opporunity to meet the STRONGEST little girl I know. Her name is Gabby, and she is fighting leukemia.
Her family has been through so much, and Miss Gabby has been such a fighter through it all. And finally, after 2 rounds of chemotherapy......SHE HAS GONE INTO REMISSION!
I have been praying nonstop for Gabby and her family since she was first diagnosed, at just 6 months old. And knowing that she is kicking cancer to the curb, and showing everyone just how strong, and determined, she is!
Sometimes, in the midst of dealing with loss and grieving my little Khoen, its hard to remember just for amazing God is. Yes, I've always known that God is SO good. But, my heart has been broken. I've been missing my baby. I've been constantly questioning why.But God has answered the prayers of so many, and is helping this little girl win her fight. And I promise you, my little Khoen is watching over her every step of the way!
So tonight, I've been reminded of just how good God is. And I'm a little jealous that Khoen does get to spend eternity at the feet of such an amazing man! Missing you, Khoen! I love you always, baby boy! <3
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)