Todays A Hard Day, Khoen...

I feel like I've been able to be pretty strong lately. Dustin has been back at work, and the kids have been kept clean, fed, and happy. And the house is in pretty good shape, and I have spent 80% of the past 2 weeks smiling. But today is just a hard day.

I don't know what started it, I just know that today feels empty. I'm here, in my house (which is FAR from empty, quiet, or lonely!), with my family. And they are my world. But it just seems to keep overwhelming me today that Khoen is missing.

I haven't had a big breakdown in the past 2 weeks either, until today. Yet I'm crying while I write this, so please excuse the typos. I'm sure there will be a million.

Dustin had a moment the other day. He came home from work, and I was in the kitchen eating dinner with the girls. I had Mikah on my lap, and he said he almost asked me where Khoen was, so he could go get him, and bring him in there.

Sometimes that reality is just so cold. And I swear it really does hit like a ton of bricks.

Today I just keep trying to remember every little detail of Khoen. Every little thing I loved about him, and that made him my sweet little boy. And some of them may sound so crazy, but they are my memories, and to me they are perfect.

I remember how perfectly round his little head was. And he had just the tiniest bit of dark brown hair. Not enough to stick up on his head, buy just enough to make it feel so soft when I rubbed it. Khoen LOVED when I would rub his head, especially during his nighttime bottles. He was so content.

He had blue eyes, but they were dark. I think they would have turned brown....they had a brownish tint to them. He would stare up at me with those sweet eyes, and just watch me as I rocked him.

And his birthmark on his left thigh...I would always rub his leg there. I know it sounds insane, but I loved his birthmark, and it always made me smile. Maybe it was because subconsciously I knew I needed to remember it so clearly. I don't know.

And his cry. So deep down from his throat. He cried like no other baby I've ever heard...it was low pitched, and sometimes so quiet you wouldn't even notice. Such a sweet cry.

I remember his chubby little soft cheeks, and his PERFECT nose. Dustin and I always said Khoen looked too perfect to be ours. (We say that about all our kids. But I make this blog about Khoen, so I'm just focusing on him. No, I don't pick favorites.) And we were right.

Khoen wasn't ours....none of our kids are. They are God's. Khoen was His. He is His. And it still seems so unfair, but I know its not meant for me to understand.

I've been sitting in this rocking chair in my room, Khoen bear on my lap, staring at the crib that my boys were supposed to share until now. We said Mikah and Khoen could share the crib in our room until they were 6 months old, then we would put them in their own cribs in their room. Mikah is 6 months old now. Khoen never got to see that day.

I can't make myself think about decorating Mikahs room. I want to, yes. But I have their names in wooden letters, and I had never gotten a chance to paint them. I still plan to paint both, but I don't know how to decorate his room anymore. It will seem so bare to me with only one crib, even though I know it will be full.

Plus, I want to make a special place in the house for Khoen. A wall, or something, dedicated just to him. We don't have an extra room, so I dont know where to do it. I can't make myself hang Khoens name in the room they were going to share, because it would honestly break my heart every time I opened the door. So I have to make it Mikahs, and just Mikahs....but I'm still trying to figure out how to do that.

Sitting here rubbing Khoen Bears head and little legs helps and hurts at the same time. It's amazing to have him to hold, but I want so badly, more than anything right now, to hold Khoen again. I want to rub Khoens head, and see his birthmark, and hear him cry. I want to hear him make little noises, and try to figure out this world. I want to see him eat cereal, and I want to feed him his bottle. And I want so, so badly to see him smile, and hear him laugh.

God, this is so hard.

Khoen, mommy misses you so much, and I swear it seems like its getting harder sometimes as time passes. I just want to snuggled you again, cuddlebug. I know your happy, and for that I'm happy for you. I just can't wait to see you again. You are such a blessing, Khoen. And it honors that God chose me to be your mommy. Sometimes its just so much harder than you can imagine for mommy not to be selfish, and just want you here, with me, all to myself, forever. And I know that will happen someday. Mommy is just missing you hard today. I love you so much, and I hope you know that. I told you all the time, yet I feel I didn't get to tell you enough.

Sometimes its still hard on me too knowing that I missed Khoens last day. It kills me wondering how many times he smiled, or cried, and wondering if he noticed I wasn't there. I kissed him goodbye that morning, while he was still asleep. So precious and innocent. And so alive.

I hate this pain. And it breaks my heart whenever I hear of another mommy joining my circle. Another little angel going to play with Khoen in Heaven. It's just SO UNFAIR. That, and seeing little ones suffer, and struggle, going through battles with cancer and diseases....it just isn't right. And I get so scared then when I hear of those kids, because I don't want their mommies and daddies to understand this feeling. I don't want them to know it. I just want them to kick those illnesses in the butt and get better.

Our doctor has already warned us that there is a pretty good chance that Khoens death certificate will say SIDS on it. And I will have to live with that. But I can't shake the feeling that I should have done more.

When Khoens soft spot would swell, I always took him to the doctor. Or the hospital. I took him for his head ultrasounds. They said he would grow out of the extra fluid around his brain. That it was harmless.

But Khoen is gone, and he didn't grow out of anything. And I'm just not convinced it was all harmless. Which makes me feel like I failed Khoen as a mommy. I would have given him the world. I would have done anything for him, anything to make him better if he was sick. I'll never know if the fluid on his brain caused pressure, or gave him headaches.

I'll never know if my little boy was really ok, or if more could have been done to save him. He's gone now, and I just wish he weren't.

I've visited his grave multiple times this week, sometimes more than once a day. Makenna wants to ride by every night and make sure his "nightlights" are working. He has 2 of them. And sometimes, she will come to me crying, saying she misses Khoen and wants him to come home. It's so unfair to her, too. She shouldn't know this pain and loss at 4 years old.

But, I still fully trust God. I know He knows what he is doing, and my little Khoen had a greater purpose. I wholeheartedly believe that. Like I said in an earlier post, Khoens name means "Priest", and he is just that. He has shown all of us God in ways we hadn't seen before. And shown us that we won't get through this life without Him.

I will always love my son, and I'll miss him while I'm on earth. This pain may get easier to deal with, but it will never go away. And I dont think I will ever feel complete again. But I know I WILL see Khoen again. And I can't wait, baby boy. You are so special, so precious, so perfect.

I love you, Khoen Lee. Always and forever.

Dear Khoen...

Sometimes it helps me to write to Khoen, and I usually do it in my journal. But tonight, I feel like writing on here, so that's what I'm going to do. Talking to Khoen through letters makes me feel closer to him, and makes me look more sane than talking out loud while I'm out in public, and looking like a crazy schizophrenic lady. And even though I know Khoen is in Heaven and can see the things that happen here (or I believe he can), sometimes I just want to tell him about it. I want him here so badly, and I want to share this life with him more than anything. So, until I join him in my eternal home, letters will have to do. Dear Khoen, Mommy is missing you SO much right now! And, although we seem to be moving forward somehow, life here without you still just doesn't seem right, or complete. But, there are amazing things happening here, Khoen, and some of them I just know are because of you. <3 There are so many people who love you, Kho....people who never had the earthly opportunity to meet you. But you are changing people, Khoen....and turning their faces to the One who holds you in His arms. We've had some really rough days since you've been gone, and shed a lot of tears. But, we've also smiled for you, and we are slowly learning to smile for you a little more each day. Through all of this, I have to remember how lucky you are. You already know God, and that's the best gift anyone could ever give you. A very good friend of mine, who has a little angel just like you (her name is Chloe, and I know you know her! Makenna says she is your girlfriend ;) ), lent me a book to read, called I Will Carry You. That book helped mommy so much, Khoey, so so much. It made me realize that all this pain that I feel is normal, and reminded me countless times that I WILL see you again. I can't wait...mommy is going to scoop you up, and hug you so tight, and cover you in the kisses that I'm missing so much right now...all while soaking in the beauty of your precious smile. I'm crying just thinking of how amazing that will be. Mommy has been wearing her 2 necklaces that have been given to me by such sweet friends, everyday. I switch off between the two. One says "My Khoen, My Angel", and has your birthstone, an angel wing, and a butterfly on it. It's so pretty. And the other says your name, has a little pearl, and has a set of tint little footprints on it. Tiny just like yours, baby. Mommy has cried for you a lot lately. Sometimes the thought of never seeing you, smelling your sweet fragrance, hearing you cop, or learn to talk, makes mommy feel sad. Mommy wanted to show you so many fun things, Kho....how to walk, and throw and catch, and eat popsicles with you while letting you make a huge mess, and how to swim. I wanted to show you the ocean, and build sand castles with you, and I wanted to take pictures of every single moment. But I know you've seen far more than I could have ever shown you, and you have the best Teacher of all. So you'll have to show me everything when I get to Heaven, big boy. And we won't need pictures, because we can live in those moments forever. So now, when mommy gets really really sad, I hug my Khoen Bear. It's so neat, Kho. You would just LOVE it. It will never be the same as hugging you, ever. But, its still very special to me, because it was made just for you. And its a heavy little bear, just like you were, my little chunky man. I'll never be able to thank the people who made that possible enough. You are such a special little guy, Khoen. So many people have helped us, Khoen. And I know you know who each of them are, and I know you have shown them the Lord. We pray every day that Daddy will find a job soon, and this huge financial burden will be lifted. But we just have to trust Him through it, and know we are in His hands, just like you are. Mommy decided to look up the meaning of your name the other day, because I never did before you were born. We just knew we loved Khoen, and that Khoen suited you. And it is so perfect for you....your name means "Priest", Khoen.....which is exactly what you are, my little angel. Mommy is still struggling with some things though, Khoey, and I'm having a really hard time right now. When mommy was at the hospital with you, during your big scare with your soft spot swelling, mommy made you a promise. I stayed with you all 4 nights, and rocked you, and cuddled you through the pokes and IVs and pain. And I promised you that I would never leave you, Khoen. That's the only promise mommy made you during your short life. And then I left. I went to Charleston. I know you were in amazing hands with daddy, and I only did it to remind your big sissies that they are special to me, too. But, I left you. And the one time I left you, you left me to go to Heaven. That's so hard, baby. And I'm so, so sorry for breaking my promise. I should have been there, Khoen. I try to tell myself over and over that I couldnt have changed what happened. I still believe Psalm 139:16, "All the days ordained for you were written in His book before one of them came to be." God knew how long I would have you here. I just wish I had known, so that I could have spent the last day of your life with you. I missed it, Kho. I missed the whole last day of your precious life. I missed smiles and laughs and cries, and now all I can do is cry. I'd give anything to have that day with you, but I can't. I know. I have to keep my head up. Mommy has to be strong for Makenna, and Kaisyn, and Mikah, and daddy, and for you, Khoen. It's very hard sometimes. I just miss you so much. Please forgive me for breaking my promise. I would never have done that to you. I'm so sorry, baby. Mommy was so excited to watch you and Mikah grow up together, and see the bond you two were going to have as twins. I wanted nothing more. So I have to ask you to please just stay close to Mikahs heart, as close as you can Khoen. Let him know you're there, and let him feel that bond. He needs you. Brother did so good today at his eye doctor appointment, khoey! I know you were with him. Mommy is a little nervous about tomorrow, because I have to take Mikah to the same place I took you for your head ultrasound. It just makes me miss you more, Kho. Hannah is going with me (you know her little angel, Raidyn, too....Makenna says he is your best friend!). I'm glad she will be there to support me. Hannah has twins in her tummy, just like mommy did when I carried you and brother. So you and Raidyn keep a close eye on them, and make sure things go ok. I know how exciting twins are, and how much it hurts when you don't have them on earth anymore, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone else in the world. Well, Kho, mommy has cried for the last 20 minutes while trying to finish writing to you. But, somehow, I'm smiling right now. I know that's you making me smile, you silly little boy. You always can make mommy smile. You are perfect, Khoen....too perfect for this earth. Kiss grandmom and grandad for me, and tell them how much I love and miss them. I can't wait to see you in heaven Khoen. And mommy will be there when God decides its my time to come home. Until then, keep helping mommy be strong, so I can be my best for your sissies and twin brother. I love you more than words can express. So much that it hurts. And I promise I will see you again, Khoen. Mommy misses you so much...be strong for me, too, little man. And yes, mommy is crying again. So I'm going to hug Khoen Bear, and remember your sweet face, and dream of you when o finally drift off to sleep. I love you, baby boy. See you soon. <3 Love always, Your Mommy.

One Month Without My Twins...

Well, its officially July 2. Which means, its officially one month since Khoen passed away. And today, well, still tonight technically.....my heart aches not just for my precious boy, but for my twins.

This grieving process has been a learning experience, and it has been tough. And sometimes I feel as though grieving for Khoen and grieving for my twins are two separate pains altogether. They hurt in different ways. But, they both tear my heart into pieces.

I finished up the girls and Mikahs outfits I was making for the 4th of July this evening. And, it ended in a crying fit. One of the screaming-for-Khoen-shaking-cant-breathe-cant-stop type of crying fits. I feel sure any mother who has lost a child can relate.

I just couldn't bear to imagine that I will have to face the 4th without him. I want him there so much. I have no idea how I will get through bigger holidays in the future... I did, however, make Khoen a hat that matches Mikahs, just as I was going to do before he passed away. I was originally going to make his onesie, too....but it hurt too much. It would hurt to make it, and then to realize all over again he couldn't wear it. So I settled for the hat.

I will place it on his grave for the 4th, and pick it up the following day. I want him to have it, just like Mikah. But, I also want to keep it forever, as I will Mikahs.

On the back of the girls and Mikahs shirts, there is a message to Khoen. It says 'miss & love you, brother, twin.' Some may not understand why. But I had to send him the message. We do miss him and love him, so much. And he is a brother. And he is a twin.

Why does that hurt so much more tonight than usual? I just want them both on my chest. One more time, before they no longer both fit. Mikah is getting so big. I can't imagine how much Khoens little chubby booty would weigh by now. He had even finally started to have a little fat roll on each thigh. Adorable, perfect.....my heart hurts.

My head doesn't even seem to be forming correct sentences, so excuse any lack of correct grammar or spelling, please. Sometimes, its hard to see through tears....especially to type on a phone.

One of my favorite things about having twins (besides the adorable pictures in matching outfits, of course) was watching the boys lay together, both on one playmate, and "play" as I called it. They weren't old enough or big enough to do much. But they would wiggle and squirm, and when they got to where they were touching, they would lay, content and happy. They would smile.

They loved each other. If they were fussy, the easiest way to calm them both at once was to lay them together. They would almost instantly just turn their faces into each other, nestle close, and fall asleep. How perfect?

This morning, at church, Mikah began to get a little fussy during the service. My sweet aunt went to calm him, while Dustin and I listened to the rest of the sermon, and enjoyed a song of praise and a powerful prayer. As we were walking out, I could see my aunt with Mikah, talking to a precious family, and I burst into tears. In the middle of a crowd. I went to find my cousin, and she just held me, as I cried, and was shaking, and trying to regain my composure.

The family has two adorable twin girls, about a year old. They are beautiful, and it broke my heart again. Like I've said before, I'm overjoyed for families who have twins. I just miss mine.

The twin girls sweet mother didn't know about Kho passing away yet, and cried when my aunt shared the news. I wasn't able to approach my aunt until they had left. I don't like seeming rude, because I'm not trying to be. I want to be able to go and talk to them, get hugged and comforted by fellow twin mommies....but, sometimes I'm stronger than other times. And sometimes, I am just scared to approach in fear that my tears will cause them guilt, which I don't want to do.

But, I can't hold those tears back right now. I try, but I can't. They come through with a force more powerful than I've learned to control.

At that moment, I wanted so badly for Dustin to step up beside me holding Khoen, and me to realize this wasn't true. Ugh, what a nightmare....thank God its over! ........

But, that isn't going to happen. Khoen won't come back to me. But someday, not too far away, I will go to him.

I can see Mikah sleeping in his crib while I write. And it makes me feel happy, and sad, and proud, and crushed. I'm happy to have him. He is amazing, and I love him and his precious little personality to the moon and back, twice. But, I'm sad that he's sleeping alone. That we don't have another teensie little roommate.

And I'm proud of how big and strong Mikah is becoming, and how smart he is proving to be. But, I'm crushed that I will never see him interact with his brother again, and can't watch to see how they would play as they grew. Together. Like twins are supposed to. I really want my twins.

Mommy is trying so hard to be strong, Khoen. I really am. But it gets tough, sweet boy. I smile through so much of the pain, then the tears just come. I just can't wait to hold you again. I want to kiss those chubby cheeks, and see that little birthmark....and just sing 'Blessings' to you as you fall asleep, because you always seemed to love that one. I found another bib you had worn the day before I left for Charleston...I can't wash it. Mommy can't get rid of that sweet smell. Sometimes I feel like I have so little of you left here with me. And I ache for more. So I sleep with that bib on my bedside table now. Makenna says you are playing lots of games up in Heaven. She tells me about your girlfriend Chloe, and your best friend Raidyn. She tells me how you guys love all the colors of the rainbow, and how you love to play with Gentry. She tells me Grandmom and Grandad love playing with you, too. I wonder what you guys get to do.....it sure must be amazing. I can't wait until you can show me. Your buddy Raidyn is about to have his first birthday this month, and its hard on his sweet mommy. I love her, Kho. I know you sent her to me as a friend, and I'm so thankful baby. She is too awesome. But please, watch over her with Ray this month, as always. But she really needs some extra comfort right now. I'm trying to be here for her all I can. We are going to have so much fun at his party. I know you will be there, right beside Raidyn. Both smiling so big. Both so happy. And you guys will make sure Chloe comes too, I know it. What a heavenly birthday party its going to be. :) You're amazing Khoen. And the One who is holding you is amazing. My faith is in Him fully, and I promise to lead your sisters and twin brother to Him as much as I can. We will be together again soon, sweet boy. Our whole family. Stay with me through this, Khoen. I need you here. I love you, sweet boy.....I know you've had an amazing first month in Heaven. Mommy misses you, little man. My Khoen, My Angel.

Angelversaries...

Well, to say the least, its been a rough night. I guess, really, its been building for the past 2 days. But tonight, I just felt fully overwhelmed by my emotions, and couldn't hold myself up any longer.

It started on Monday, when I was doing my normal, everyday mommy things, and was going to wash a load of laundry. While we stayed with my mom, she was generous enough to do it for me, so it was the first time since we were back at home that I attempted washing Mikahs clothes. I had already washed towels and mine and Dustins clothes, but not Mikahs.

I set the washer, put in the dreft, and started emptying his hamper into the washer. Then, I proceeded to spend 15 minutes looking this house up and down for more clothes. I kept telling Dustin there was just no way that was all he had dirty! He always has a full load, almost overflowing......not a medium sized load! Then it hit me........ This was Mikahs laundry. Not Mikah and Khoens, just Mikahs.

Ouch.

I immediately started to cry. With the twins, it was like I could never keep enough clothes, bibs, and blankets spit-up free and clean.....with Mikah, its like he can't dirty all the stuff we have quick enough! But, that's because he is using clothes, bins, and blankets that were, just a month ago, used for two babies.

Even our dryer, which is pretty much a dinosaur and takes about 3-4 cycles just to dry one full load, dried his clothes in just 1.5 cycles. That was another energy saving yet very painful reminder.

It's little things like that that seem to get to me the most. Then, last night as I was doing dishes, I, without giving it a second thought, left a place for two sets of bottles on the top rack. I've done dishes plently since last month, but just wasn't thinking that time.

So, with tears streaming down my face again, I loaded just Mikahs bottles. And, again, felt like someone had stabbed me for the millionth time straight through the heart.

It's funny to me sometimes how my mind works so much off routine and memory. I know when its time to get Mikah dressed for the day that I only need one diaper and one outfit. Yet I find myself with two diapers in hand, looking at the cute little matching outfits and trying to decide the best fit for the day.

I know in time it will get easier, but now it just seems to be getting harder by the day.

A sweet friend of mine who I unfortunately haven't seen since high school, and also a mother of precious twin girls, sent me the sweetest gift so unexpectedly. She gave me a necklace with my sweet Khoens name on it, two little footprints, and a small pearl. It's gorgeous, and hasn't left my neck since I opened it except to sleep.

And when those hard moments happen now, I find myself rubbing that necklace, rubbing my little Khoens name, when I miss him most. And somehow, it actually seems to help. It's a small reminder that he's here.

He will always be right here with me, even if only in my heart.

This Saturday seems to be approaching at a speed that I am not a fan of. Tomorrow will be the 4 week anniversary of the last full day I spent with my precious son. Friday will be the 4 week mark of me kissing him for the last time. And Saturday will be 4 weeks since he took his last earthly breath. It's strange how even these short anniversarys, or his "angelversaries", can be so painful.

It's going to be a hard week and weekend for our family. And also our financial stresses are in high gear, considering Dustins job has given him ZERO hours since Khoen passed (he seriously needs a new one, its getting ridiculous....), and funeral expenses are all due in July. But, we just keep praying, and we know we will be able to work things out.

We set a goal as a family to have Khoens footstone by his first birthday. It seems so far away, but its going to take a lot of saving. They definitely are not cheap, and we are by no means well off. But we make due.

I'm hoping my crafty side can eventually come up with something to make in his honor and sell to help us raise money. We'll see. Either way, I know God will eventually help us work something out. I just can't let myself get overwhelmed by finances right now, since life itself is a bit too much at the moment.

On a lighter note, we are getting closer to raising enough money for Khoens bear! Makenna is so excited.....she can wait to hold it. We have 3 more days to get the rest of the money, so we are just praying for a blessing!

Kaisyn has officially learned to run, and she is just about as clumsy as her big sister! Both my girls seem to be constantly covered in bruises from falling....but are so independent and tough, it never slows them down! And it makes me happy to know they are that way. Strong, independent, beautiful, sweet little girls......who are also stubborn and as strong willed as they come. ;)

It's also amazing to me how much God really will show you He's there if you will just listen. I don't know what I would do without my Faith. Well, I do know.....I would be on the crazy floor of the hospital right now!

But I can feel God working in my life more than ever, even through all my pain. And as much as I'm hurting for my baby, I am excited to see where this path God has chosen for me will take me, while on my journey to see Him and Khoen in Heaven.

To Khoen...

Khoen, I know you already know, because you are our angel and can see. But, I want to share with you anyways, because as your mommy, I like sharing everything with you, just as I do your big sissys, and your twin brother.

Mommy and daddy are trying to get a special teddy bear made in memory of you. It's going to be so cool, because it will really weigh how much you did when you went to live with Jesus! How amazing is that?

I will forever be able to hold my little Khoen bear, and remember, in a sense, how it felt to hold you. And, through the goodness of God, and people who love you even though they didn't get to meet you, we are over halfway there!

You are so special, Khoen! And loved by so many!

Of course, nothing can replace for me the sweet feeling of holding you, but this will help mommy so much. And your big sister Kenna, too. She misses you a lot, Kho.

Lately, she's been crying for you more, and begging for you to come back from Heaven. We know you can't come back, and after the glorious things you have seen where you are now, you wouldn't want to! And its ok, we understand.

It's hard for us, here on Earth, to deal with how it feels to not have you in our arms, in our laps. But its amazing to have your memory, every precious ounce of it, in our hearts.

You didn't get to stay with us long, and it hurts mommy to think about it. Mommy was so excited when you were born, and I couldn't wait to watch you grow up, and see your relationship with your siblings, especially your brother Mikah.

But now, mommy feels selfish. I want you here, to wipe your tears, and rock you, and teach you to play games, and have sleepovers where we stay up late and eat popcorn and watch movies.....to watch you play sports, to give you baths, to comfort you when you're scared. I want to be mommy to you in every sense of the word.

I have to constantly remind myself that you are happy, and you won't have tears, or fears, and get to have fun all day, every day. And as much as I love you, and daddy loves you, and Makenna, Kaisyn, and Mikah love you, God loves you MORE. You are that special, baby.

We are going to put the shirt you last wore on your bear, so it will both feel like you, and smell like you. So I can hold it when I cry for you, and just remember your sweet, perfect little face.

I miss you so much, sweetie, but I promise I will see you soon. It may seem like eternity to me here on Earth, but it will be a flash to you. And mommy is never going to let you go again. What an amazing day that will be.

Watch over us, Khoen, as I know you will. And watch over those who are helping us.....they are truly some amazing people. (Hold him tight, Lord.....and let him know how much we love him. I trust you to do that Lord. I love you)

Mommy loves you Kho, and I miss you more everyday. See you soon, baby....love you, always. Your Mommy.

Twins

I can still remember sitting at Crisis Pregnancy Center waiting for my ultrasound.

Dustin had lost his job about a month before, and things were really a struggle. We couldn't get an appointment with my doctor yet, due to a lapse in our insurance policies. So, we confirmed our pregnancy at CPC, and were going to find out how far along we were.

The ultrasound tech took us back to a room, and was talking with us as we got ready. We told her how this pregnancy had been a complete surprise, since we had a 4 month old daughter, and had been on NuvaRing since she was born. She asked if we were ready for another baby so soon, and my husband jokingly said, "Yeah, as long as its just number 3, and not 3 and 4!"...

A few minutes later, he ate those words! The tech paused on my stomach, and pointed at the screen. She slowly showed us our baby.....and our baby #2! We were really pregnant with twins!

I spoke in an earlier post about how it had always been my dream to have twins, and its true. I mean since I was Makennas age, I wanted twins. I would write strories when I was younger, and in them I always had twins.

The moment I found out I had twins in my tummy was a moment to stop and praise God for his blessings. My dream had come true.

As they grew in my tummy, it got harder and harder to get sleep. One would kick and kick, and as soon as he stopped, the other would start. It seemed constant! But it was such an amazing feeling, so I would talk to baby #1 while he was kicking, then talk to baby #2 while he went wild. I loved it.

Around 14 weeks pregnant, I started having severe pain in my stomach, and terrible cramping. We went to the hospital, because it was a weekend and after hours. There, they did an ultrasound, and determined both babies seemed ok. They also did a test on some fluid that had been leaking, and it came back inconclusive. They couldn't tell if it was amniotic fluid, or just a scare. So they sent me home on bedrest until I could see my normal physician.

That Monday, we went to my doctor. I laid on the table while the nurse listened for heartbeats, and prayed with all my heart. She found one easily, but couldn't find a second. I was terrified.

They decided to do an ultrasound that day to see what was going on. The ultrasound tech there is awesome. Her name is Allison, and she makes it so much fun.

As soon as she started the ultrasound, she found both heartbeats. There were 2 healthy babies, and plently of fluid. She decided to see if we could tell what they were, even though it was early. And when she told us 2 boys, I fell in love with those babies all over again.

We started to think about names. Khoen was the first name we came up with, and it stuck. We loved it, and thought it was perfect. We decided to do either 2 k names, or an m and a k name, like Makenna and Kaisyn. It took until the boys were almost here to come up with Mikah. We decided Mikah would be the first baby born, and Khoen would be baby #2. It was going to be Mikah Blake and Khoen Lee.

On February 4, as I laid in the hospital in preterm labor, hooked up to IVs and feeling pretty terrible, my sweet grandad passed away on the floor below me. I was on the 8th floor, and he was on the 7th. That day, we decided Mikahs middle name was going to be James, after my grandad, since Khoen was Lee, after my grandpa, my dad, and me.

And 3 short days later, Mikah James and Khoen Lee came into the world.

Every day when I see my scar from my emergency c section, I thank God again for Khoen. His heart rate had dropped twice during preterm labor, and again after Mikah was born.

I cried when I first saw them. They were tiny, beautiful, and perfect. I was thrilled. I had my twins. I had my sons. Nothing could be any better.

During their NICN stay, we got our house ready. We had 2 carseats, 2 bouncers, 2 swings.....double the clothes, 2 double strollers, and their crib all set up. We were ready to have them home!

The day we were bringing Mikah home, Khoen peed all over me from his bassinet, and I was in a chair like 3 feet away, no joke. Dustin was changing him, and didn't keep him covered. And he missed Dustin, and shot it straight at me. It was so funny.

Once all of Mikahs things were packed, and he was in his carseat ready to go, I started crying. Hard. I didn't want to leave my sweet little Khoen there. By then, I had been having my nightmares about Khoen, and was scared to leave him alone. Plus, he had never been away from Mikah, and Mikah had never been away from Khoen. I didn't want to seperate them.

But, knowing he was going to follow soon after, and that the girls and Mikah needed me at home, too, I reluctantly left.....and cried the whole way home.

It was only a week later when I roomed in at the hospital with him, and brought him home to complete our family. The FIRST thing I did was put him and Mikah next to each other and, of course, started snapping pictures. My twins! Seriously, no better feeling.

Makenna was excited, and couldn't wait to hold both brothers together. Kaisyn was a little unsure, but warmed up to them quickly, covering them in sloppy 10 month old kisses. My family was perfect.

I loved taking the twins places, even just to doctors together. Anyone with twins knows what I mean. When you have a new baby, you may get stopped sometimes and told how precious your new little one is. But when you have twins, EVERYONE stops you! And I was proud of my duo, so I was happy to show them off.

It's an amazing feeling when your lifelong dream really has come true, and you are living it. The sleepless nights, the double crying, the 16 bottles a day.....all of it completely worth it. I was on top of the world.

We had planned their first Halloween already, and were going to do thing 1 and thing 2, even though it may have been cliche. I was so excited. And we daydreamed about how fun Christmas would be, and the 4 stockings, 4 times the presents. And their first birthday.....I was going to make their 2 little cakes to play in, and already knew how I was going to design them. Way too early, I know. But you don't understand....they were my dream come true. No planning was too early!

The morning of June 2.....the phone call that changed everything......my world literally fell apart.

All of my dreams for their future felt crushed.

No thing 1 and thing 2.

Sure, we are still going to have 4 stockings at Christmas, but Khoen won't be here to play in his.

My lifelong dream that had finally come true.....my once-in-a-lifetime amazing treasure......had been ripped from underneath my feet, and I honestly felt like I would never be able to stand again.

Now, I see twins everywhere. I saw them at Chick-fil-A, when I went with my sister. They sat next to us at Jacksons t-ball game, when I tried to get out and clear my head, and just have fun. And, on that hard day of Mikahs checkup without Khoen, the lady in line to check out before me had a double stroller....with two little twins boys, a little older than mine.

I'm still a mother to twins, too, although I don't feel people will look at me as such. I carried them in my belly, I birthed them, and I loved them more than I thought was imaginable.

I'm so happy for all the mothers that have twins, and love seeing their pictures, and watching as their little ones grow. But I hope I can still be looked at as a mother of twins, too. I didn't get the chance to watch mine grow together. I didn't get holidays and birthdays, but I got Easter. And I will cherish those memories forever.

Now, I have Mikah. I love on him, take care of him, and tuck him in at night.....then I cry. And his twin brother, I visit at the cemetary often.

I find things I want to take Khoen, but am scared someone will steal. After all, someone stole our wreath with his name on it. Why someone would do such a thing, I will never understand. But it broke my heart a little more, and now I'm scared of them taking other things of Khoens.

I've been working on Khoens scrapbook, and I love it. Sometimes, I look at it and cry. Other times, I look at it and smile. But either way, I love it. And it is perfect to me, just like Khoen was. Is. He is perfect to me.

The pain of losing him is sometimes unbearable. Intolerable. It hurts so deep it makes me sick to my stomach, and I cry so hard my head pounds.

I see him in my dreams, and wake up in tears that I can't go pick him up. The memories of his soft, warm, baby skin are so perfect to me. The memory of his cold skin at the viewing is a nightmare.

And even now, I'm in tears. I know he is happy. I know he is in heaven. I know Jesus is holding him, and he has no tears.

And I believe Psalm 139:16.

"All the days ordained for KHOEN were written in his book before one of them came to be."

I know Khoen lived his life according to Gods will, and did his job here on earth. He brought me smiles through the losses of both grandad and grandmom. His little smile and his little hands holding me made me feel safe, and comfortable, and loved.

But I'm human. I'm selfish. I want him here. I want to watch my boys grow together. I want that for Mikah. And today, the tears won't stop.

Today is a hard day. Today, my heart is so broken for Khoen, and I'm still learning how to maneuver days like this. I pray, and I cry. I try to smile, but still cry. I hold my other babies, but still the tears flow.

I want Khoen. I miss Khoen. I need Khoen. I yell for Khoen. I long for Khoen. I cry for Khoen. I just want my son.

But I trust you, Lord, to get me through this. To get us through this. Somehow. I need you more now than ever.

Please kiss my Khoen for me. Tell him how much I love him. Tell him how happy he made me while he was in my arms. And tell him how excited I am to see him again. How I am going to hold him forever.

Please tell him to show me how happy he is every now and then. Just hold him for me, Lord, until I get there. I know you will.

I miss him, and I love him so much. Give me strength, Lord. Give us all strength. Amen.

I love you so much, Khoen. I miss you so so much. You will always be my baby, and my little cuddlebug. Love you, sweet boy.

His Grace is Sufficient

On Monday morning, I tried to take a step in the right direction. I went to speak to a counselor that both my sister and mother have been to talk to before. I still want to go to some kind of group therapy, but I thought that maybe she could help me learn how to deal with my anger since the loss of Khoen. Because that is my biggest issue; I am so angry that he is not here with me, and that hurts me the most.

Anyways, she was able to help me some, and I thought maybe I could share what she spoke with me about. I thought maybe it could help someone else who is going through this, or dealing with really anything stressful in life. Although, this is more about grief and pain.

After I shared my story about Khoen with her, and went through about 10 tissues from crying, it was time for me to listen. And she started talking to me about how much my attitude towards this whole event can directly impact how the rest of my life plays out.

Let me say this....my attitude is kind of a sensitive subject to me right now. There are times when I am in a bad mood, simply from missing my son, and being frustrated, and angry, and just ready to attack anyone who tries to tell me I have a bad attitude. How am I supposed to have a good attitude when my SON is GONE? How am I supposed to be happy and positive and look at things with a smile when I am in this much pain? When all I want to do is cry? Are you crazy, lady?

Thats when she told me to think about a stop sign. May sound silly, but just hear me out. She explained that I have to stop myself. I can't keep thinking about how sad and hurt I am, and keep focusing all of my energy on just missing Khoen. Yes, I still have to grieve his loss. And that means that of course I am still going to have bad moods, bad days, and lots of tears. But I can't let it overtake my whole day.

"People are disturbed not by things, but by the views they take of them."
-Epictetus.

"The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven."
-Milton.

"We have met the enemy, and he is us."
-Pogo.

It took me a few times reading each of these quotes to really understand what they actually meant. And now, I can see what she means....if I keep focusing on how miserable I am without Khoen here, I am not going to be able to enjoy the rest of my life, and the lives of Makenna, Kaisyn, and Mikah. And Khoen wouldn't want that. I don't want that. I want to learn to be happy. I just know that my truest happiness will not come again until I am reunited with Kho in Heaven. But that doesn't mean that I am doomed to be miserable the rest of my days on Earth.

So I have to give up all the "must" statements in my life. I have to quit with the could of, should of, would ofs. I am constantly saying to myself, "I should have been there. I could have saved him. I would of held him all night, and made sure he was ok."

....Stop, Meredith. Take a deep breathe, and just STOP.

Stop focusing on the things that I CAN'T change. I wasn't there. And had I been there, I more than likely would have done nothing differently. You don't put your children to bed at night with the fear that they aren't going to wake up the next morning. No one does. No one believes it can happen to their child. I didn't believe it could happen to my child.

But it did. And focusing on that fact is only causing me to have irrational fears about Makenna, Kaisyn, and especially, Mikah. Its causing me to be angry and depressed, and feel like I just want to run away. But run away from what?

"God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardship as the pathway to peace; taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is; not as I would have it; trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will; so that I may be reasonable happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next. AMEN."
-Reinhold Niebuhr.

There is no truer prayer from my heart than that. I can't change the fact that Khoen is no longer in my arms, but I can change the way I look at it. I can honor him by caring for his sisters and brother, and loving them just as I would have him as well. Just as I DO love him as well. I know which things I can't change, and I have to start focusing on things that I can. Slowly, but surely.

I do have to take things one day at a time, and enjoy one moment at a time. Any more than that is overwhelming to me right now. I can't look at next year and say, "Ugh, its not going to be any easier by then. I can't get there. I CAN'T DO THIS."

....Stop Meredith, take a deep breathe.

I have to accept that this is the path that Jesus chose for me. He chose to show my just how strong I am, maybe so that I can help others through their pain as well. Not yet....I am not at the point where I could really be helpful yet, unless you are walking right here with me. And the mothers who have lost and feel my pain, you are right here with me. And I will help as much as I can, just as you have all helped me.

This world is not perfect, and is full of pain. It always will be. But Heaven is perfect. And someday, I will be there, walking with Jesus, walking with Khoen. I can't wait until that day. Until then, I surrender myself fully to His will. That is the only way I know I will someday have true happiness again.

Psalm 139:16
"Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

....All the days ordained for Khoen, were written in His book before one of them came to be.

.....That is a hard reality to us here on Earth, but a perfect plan in God's eyes. To Him, Khoen lived exactly as he should have. He did exactly what he should. He brought us SUCH immense happiness while he was here. He brightened EVERY day with his huge smile, his bright eyes, his precious coo. And, when his days were over, as short as they seem to me, to my family, to everyone, he was rewarded with his acceptance into Heaven; with his eternal body, and eternal happiness; with his seat at the feet of Jesus. How perfect and amazing is that?

2 Corinthians 12:9
"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."

Your grace is sufficient for me, Lord. Help me to realize that as I continue on this journey.

The last thing I spoke with the counselor about is the one that is honestly the hardest thing for me, and it is something I will have to learn to deal with over time. It is the prayer request I have for everyone who wants to know how they can pray for me right now.

Pray for me to learn to love Mikah without hurting so deeply for Khoen.

You may not really understand what I mean, but I'll try to explain. I was overwhelming myself by thinking now about each of Mikah's birthdays; his graduations; his first steps; his first sports; his first EVERYTHING; and how painful it was going to be for me to watch each of these things with a smile, and not just cry, cry, cry over Khoen not being beside him. He is a TWIN.

But, I don't want Mikah to think I love him less than I did Khoen, because that isn't valid. I love all of my children equally. I hurt for Khoen right now, so I cry for him...just as I would any of my children who weren't here with me.

I don't want to spend each of Mikah's important life moments crying. I want to learn how to honor both Mikah AND Khoen on those days, and that's what I struggle with now. Today, I'm not there. Tomorrow, I won't be there. On Mikah and Khoen's first birthday, I can tell you I highly doubt I will be there. But, I will be trying, and praying relentlessly for His widsom in how to achieve that.

And I know, through His perfect will, I will get there. I just need time. For His grace is sufficient for me....I have to keep remembering that.

And today, I'm praying hard for my friends who have lost their little ones to remember that as well. It's hard, and I'm not perfect. I have spent more time crying than smiling even AFTER the counseling appointment. But through time, together, we will learn how to go on, and feel at peace. Because Hannah, and Ashley, his grace is sufficient for ALL of us. And He is walking us through.

And Khoen, Raidyn, and Chloe are leading our way. <3 I love you all, I really do.