Grandmom & Grandad

I've been thinking so much lately about my sweet grandparents, whom I lost last year just before I lost my Khoen. For some reason, certain parts of the ending of their lives continues to play over and over again in my head. So, I thought maybe if I wrote about them, it would help bring me some type of closure. It's worth a try.

I remember when Grandmom started getting sick again. She had been in and out of the hospital and rehabilitation homes periodically over the years, but had always managed to return to health and get released to go back home. This time, she had been in the hospital a little longer, and had already had to return from rehab back to the hospital once.

Grandad always stayed up at the hospital with Grandmom when she wasn't feeling well. He would go home to sleep sometimes at night, but other than that he was there with her, keeping her company and making sure she was well taken care of. My granddad had ALWAYS been the epitome of health...he still went walking daily, was so hyper and outgoing, and had never had any type of major health issues. On Wednesday, January 25 (2012), he started feeling like he had a stomach bug, and he didn't want to get grandmom sick, so he stayed home. He was still sick the next few days, so she had been alone other than when my mom and aunt were able to take turns going up to visit with her.

For grandmom, this was way different...she wasn't used to going more than a few hours without seeing granddad. So that Friday, the 27th, after my regular checkup and ultrasound to see how the twins were doing, Dustin and I stopped by to visit with her for a while. Grandmom was so excited to meet the twins, and she would tell every single nurse, nurses assistant, and doctor that she saw that I was having twins, and they were boys, and how happy she was.

I showed her my ultrasound pictures, and we talked for a while. She told me about her mom having her twin boys, and what her dad said when people asked him how to have twins. She was such a character, and could always make us laugh.

She told us then how much she had missed seeing granddad in the 3 days he had now been sick, but we just reassured her that he would be feeling better soon, and would be back up there with her. How wrong we were, and didn't even know it.

I remember that Sunday morning, the 29. I remember getting a phone call from my dad that my mom and aunt had taken granddad to the ER, because he was still sick on his stomach, and now his chest was hurting a little while breathing. I remember him telling me that granddad had had a heart attack...but, the heart attack had actually been that Wednesday, when he first started getting sick.

They called it a silent heart attack, because he didn't have the usual signs and symptoms that people show. At the time, he was stable, and doing pretty well. He was talking to the nurses and doctors about Carolina and how much of an avid Tarheels fan he was. They were planning to put a stent in the next day.

That night, we got another phone call from my dad. Grandad had crashed, and wasn't doing so well. They discovered he had a 100% blockage to one of the major arteries leading to his heart, and they were doing an emergency procedure to put in the stent.

After this, he was on a ventilator, and his heart was only functioning around 5%. Things weren't looking good, but he was hanging on. And we had hope that he was going to continue to heal, and his heart function increase, and he would be just fine. He had to be fine...he was grandmoms caretaker. This all had to be a dream.

I remember going to visit grandmom that Tuesday at her rehab home. She had been transferred there to regain some strength through physical therapy until she was able to go back home. That night, though, I knew there was something very, very wrong.

Dustin and I took Makenna with us, thinking she would cheer grandmom up. Grandmom knew what was going on with granddad, but not really the severity of it. No one wanted to get her too upset until she was back to herself again, because she was already having trouble with her heart and her blood pressure.

When we visited her, she was not mentally stable. And that's one thing that grandmom always was...she was never confused, and she was never really out of it. But that night, she thought she was sewing, and kept asking us to help look for her needle. She saw people in the room who weren't there, including a little boy in the closet. And, she didn't know who I was.

I called for a nurse, and they said she had been that way all day. They thought it was just how she was, but I told them this was not right. Something was very, very wrong. I called my mom and aunt, and they said to have the nurse check her blood pressure, and that they were on their way. Turns out her blood pressure was so high that she was beyond stroke level, and they had to call an ambulance to rush her back to the hospital.

I'm not sure if I mentioned this or not, but grandmom and granddad were both in CMC. Grandad was on the 7th floor, in the Dickson Heart Unit, and grandmom was on different floors at different times.

I was so torn up from seeing grandmom that way the night before, and my mom and aunt had their hands full with granddad. He was declining, and losing function of his kidneys. They tried dialysis, but his body was too weak to handle it. So, they had to give him more time to rest and were planning to try again.

So ,that Wednesday, the 1, I stayed up at the hospital most of the day with grandmom. Dustin was with me, and we made sure she had what she needed, and was doing ok. She was very tired after the previous nights episode, but she was happy to see us when she was awake. They did a swallow study on her, which she passed, and diagnosed her with a UTI. She was on medicine though and starting to improve. She would ask us if we had seen granddad, and talk about him often. It was so hard to listen to, because it was hard knowing how bad he was doing, but trying to keep grandmom positive.

And keep in mind, I was 32 weeks pregnant with the twins at this time.

That was the day that we went down to see granddad for the first time. It may sound terrible of me that I hadn't been to see him until now, but he wasn't awake, and was on the ventilator, and just wasn't doing well. And that was something that scared me. Seeing a man who was usually so healthy in a hospital bed, with 5% heart function and not breathing on his own, was scary.

I cried. I held his hand. I tried to be strong, but it was too much. I couldn't bare seeing him that way, and it tore me up. We headed home afterwards, because I was completely exhausted.

The next day, I went back up to see grandmom and granddad. Grandmom had been transferred from the 10th floor down to the 3rd, and was doing much better. They wouldn't allow her to go and see granddad, which I know was hard on her. But she had faith that he would improve, and come walking through her door eventually.

I didn't stay for long, as I wasn't feeling too well. The stress and exhaustion had gotten to my 32-weeks-with-twins body. By that evening, I was having contractions. But nothing regular, and nothing strong, so I thought rest would make them go away. And, for the night, it did.

That Friday, I stayed at home most of the day. I took it easy, as I was every now and then still contracting. I went to visit my sister and her family that evening, and the contractions got worse quickly. By 8pm, they were almost every 3-4 minutes and lasting over 45 seconds each time, so I called the doctor and headed over to the same hospital, CMC, to the labor and delivery unit.

There, I was immediately put on monitor after monitor...one for my contractions, one for my heart rate and BP, one for each baby in my tummy. My heartrate was already over 140, so they weren't able to give me the 1st choice medicine to stop my labor. That medicine was known to speed up your heart severely, so it wasn't safe for me at the time.

So, I was given a second medicine (no clue what it was called!) and given an hour for it to work. Nothing happened. The contractions were still coming, and coming stronger. They checked me, and I had gone from 1 cm to 3 cm.

The next step was to put me on a magnesium drip to stop my labor. That stuff was nasty. It made me feel bad, and I wasn't allowed out of my bed, so I was stuck using a bed pan. No fun, but it worked. My contractions slowed, and were almost completely gone by the middle of the night.

I will never forget the nurse I had overnight that night. I can't remember her name, but I remember her amazing personality, and how perfect she was for me that evening. My mom spent the night in my room, so that she could keep checking in on grandmom and granddad.

Around 4am, we heard them call a Code Blue to the Dickson Heart Unit. I told my nurse my granddad was there, and that I hoped it wasn't him. My mom was asleep at the time, but I didn't sleep that night at all. The magnesium had me feeling too yucky, and I couldn't get comfortable.

This amazing woman who I had the privilege of having as a nurse told me she was going to call and check on things in the Dickson Heart Unit, to make sure it wasn't my granddad, and make sure that he was ok. She came back in and took my hand, and told me that unfortunately the call had been about my granddad, but that he was ok. I woke my mom up and told her, and she immediately went over to see him, and called my aunt up there. Around 6am, I heard the Code Blue called again. This time, a few minutes after, my mom came to tell me that she was going to be staying in there from then on. She said that they had made the decision, based on how poorly he was doing and the fact that really, only machines were keeping him alive anyways, and he wouldn't have wanted that, that from then on if he coded there would be no resuscitation.

I have never felt so numb in my life. I called Dustin, but he was still asleep. This nurse, who hadn't even known who I was just hours earlier, sat with me the whole time so that I wouldn't have to be alone. She held my hand, and listened to me, and told me things that were so comforting to my heart at the time. She stayed with me after her shift ended, and just sat with me until my mom came back.

Mom returned a little before 8 am, and I knew on her face without her having to say anything. The nurse just hugged me, then hugged my mom, and cried with us. My mom said that he wasn't in any pain when he left us, and that he wasn't going to suffer anymore. And I knew that was what he would have wanted. But we knew that grandmom had to be told, and that she had heard the code blues, but hadn't known they were for him.

I don't even remember the rest of that day. I know that eventually they stopped my magnesium, and that family was in and out making sure I was ok, and sharing tears with me over granddad. And I guess the rest of the time I was sleeping. I remember waking up Sunday and being told that I would be transferred to the another room where they could monitor me but without all of the chaos and machines of the room I had been in. I was allowed to shower there, and walk around the room some, and actually use the toilet to pee. And they told me that I was to stay until the next day to ensure that my contractions didn't pick back up after the magnesium was out of my system.

Monday, the 6th, I was released. I was told to stay on bedrest, as I was still contracting but not often, and not hard. But before I left they wheeled me up to see grandmom. That was so hard. She knew by then, of course, and she was doing as well as she could be in a time like that. She cried, and held my hand, and told me how she had been worried about me. She told me how much she missed granddad, and how she couldn't believe he was really gone. It was heartbreaking.

I went home that day, and showered, and enjoyed time with my girls. We ate dinner, and watched TV, and my shoulder blade hurt so much.

I've already written out my labor story, so I won't go into all of that.

But, the next day, February 7, 2012, Mikah James and Khoen Lee entered our world, so tiny and perfect.

Mikah James McGinnis, 4:45 pm, born naturally, 4 lbs, 16"

Khoen Lee McGinnis, 4:59 pm, born by emergency C-section, 4 lbs 6 oz, 18"

 

Grandmom never got to meet the boys. She wanted to so badly, and I wanted her to. And it is a little ironic to me that they spend the next month in the same hospital, all 3 of them, yet they never got to meet her.

 

She was on the 3rd floor in the infectious disease unit, and obviously 2 NICU babies couldn't be taken there to visit. We thought she would eventually be released, as would the babies, and they would get to meet at home, where she could love on them and they could heal her heart just a little.

 

Mikah got to come home on March 7, a month after he was born, and Khoen came home 5 days later on the 12. And on March 19, 2012, with me, my cousin, my mom, my 2 aunts, my uncle, the pastor and his wife all in the room, grandmom went to be with granddad in Heaven.

 

I don't think I have ever had the chance to fully mourne them, so I sit here in tears typing these words.

 

You'd think that I would have had time right then, but I didn't. The twins were finally at home, and life was so chaotic that everything seemed like a dream.

 

Then, on June 2, Khoen passed away from SIDS, and joined grandmom and granddad in Heaven. And from that moment on, my heart has been grieving my son, and I don't think my mind, to this day, has realized that grandmom and granddad are really gone.

 

It did make me feel a little better knowing that they were in Heaven to greet Khoen, because I know that grandmom is taking excellent care of him until I get there.

 

I just miss all 3 of them immensely. And I wish so much I knew the nurse who took care of me that nights name, so that I could thank her for the impact she made on me. She may never know it, but she was exactly what I needed at that moment.

 

She didn't know, and I didn't know, but God knew.

 

He never fails. And He will carry me through this life, and this pain, until I can reunite with my son and my grandparents again in Heaven. <3

Blessings.

Yesterday, I took Kaisyn to her "big girl school", and honestly was a little nervous about taking her while her teacher was on vacation, and there was going to be a substitute. Kaisyn tends to get attached to people, and she absolutely LOVES her teacher. Having Kaisyn in her class has been an absolute blessing.

Kaisyn didn't get to go to school on Tuesday because we just weren't feeling great around here, especially me. I was knocked down by a terrible headache, and it was a rough day. But I took her yesterday, and prayed so hard that she would love school just as much with another teacher there.

While she was there, Victoria and I decided to go walk at the park with Mikah, and let him play on the playground a little. While we were there, I noticed he had a rash. After running a 104+ fever all weekend, and finally being fever free, I thought we were over the illnesses! So the rash was a little discouraging to see.

We came home, gave him a little Benadryl, and after a while the rash lightened...but it looked really weird. So I gave his doctor a call to let them know what was going on and what our weekend had been like, and they decided it was best for him to be seen.

When it was time, Mikah and I went to pick up Kaisyn from school. I was so excited when she walked out the doors, because she had the biggest smile on her face. All of my worry was for absolutely no reason! She had made a picture of an apple tree, and was so excited to tell me she got to use "goo", aka glue!

She was so incredibly proud of the picture she had made, and wanted me to take a picture of her to send to daddy at work, which I did.

 

 

Later that afternoon, I took Mikah to the doctor so they could take a peak at the rash. His doctor thought it looked like he had an allergic reaction to the amoxicillin he had been on for 8 days. So we were told to discontinue use immediately, and if the rash didn't go away within 24 hours to give them a call back, as it may be something else.

 

They explained that this wont mean he cant ever take amoxicillin again, as sometimes these things happen as a fluke. But, if he is ever on it and it does happen again, then he will be flagged as allergic, and wont be given medicines with penicillin in them anymore.

 

 

And just to update, the rash is 100% gone this morning, and my boy has eaten! Not one serving of breakfast, but TWO! He lost almost a pound in the time he was sick from having no appetite, but I am very hopeful it is back! Today is also the first day that he has been nonstop playing and not laying down constantly looking pitiful! So YAY!! :)

 

 

Going back to yesterday, after Makenna got home and I was back from the doctor, I was able to eat dinner with my family. I played with the kids, gave them baths, and did Makenna's homework with her. Then, I read with her. Not to her, WITH her. She actually was able to recognize half of the words in the book we were reading. I was so proud of her. Sure, the words she recognized were the easiest in the book...the, so, as, it, see, you, and, of, zoo (it was a book about the zoo), red, blue, yellow, and a few others...but still, this is huge to her, and she felt so smart and proud of herself! It was an amazing moment.

 

 

After the kids went to bed, I looked at the two pictures on the refrigerator. Well, the 2 new pictures...our fridge has lots of pictures! One was Kaisyns apple tree she had made at school, and the other was Makenna's picture she made me the day before. It has a rainbow, grass, the run, a smiley face, and a Khoen Butterfly. And, it says Love Mom on it. The fact that she made it for me made me cry. It is the sweetest picture.

 

While looking at them, I couldn't help but feel overwhelmingly blessed. I feel like sometimes, when I am having a down day, I find it way too easy to sit and feel sorry for myself, because of the loss our family has had in the past year and a half.

 

Don't get me wrong in the least, I am FAR from done grieving. Losing Khoen is the absolute hardest thing I have EVER had to deal with, and there are still days when I can barely maneuver my way from sun up to sun down.

 

 

But, if I sit and feel constantly sorry for myself, I am missing out on seeing the many, many things that the Lord had blessed me with. And, Khoen wouldn't want that.

 

 

Having the opportunity to be a mother to Makenna, Kaisyn, and Mikah, is incredible. Every single day they make me smile, laugh, and feel so much love.

 

 

Also, there are days when, because I am still in the midst of grieving my son, I feel that I am not a good enough mother. I wonder if I show my kids enough love. I wonder if they know how special that they are to me. And I wonder if they love me through the pain that I feel.

 

Then, Makenna makes me a sweet picture that says she loves me, because I was the one on her mind when she was drawing. Kaisyn runs up to me with a huge smile when I pick her up screaming, "Mommmmyyyyyy!!!!!" And on the way home, tells me how much she missed me, without me even having to tell her I missed her. And Mikah runs to me and gives me random kisses, and snuggles with me to watch tv, and shows me his booboos so that I can kiss them.

 

 

And when I take a step back and look at all of these things, and the constant smiles that they all 3 wear, I know that I am doing ok. I know that they know love, and they know that I love them immensely. I know that they love me, too. I know that they do miss me when they are apart from me, just as much as I miss them. But, I know that I have given them the strength to be apart from me and still know that I am with them. I know that they know just how special they are, to me, to their daddy, to each other, to Khoen, and to the Lord.

 

 

So as I sit here today just reflecting on the times that I've cried, and the blessing that I have been given, I can't help but feel my heart just swell with love. Yes, I would much rather have Khoen here to love on and kiss, and watch him grow and be silly, and do the "hot dog dance" from Mickey Mouse with Kaisyn and Mikah, than have to go visit him at his resting place. But, I was given 4 sweet months with him, and I wouldn't take those back. I know he is here, and I treasure each of his angel kisses.

 

 

I pray that no one else ever has to endure the pain of losing a child. But, I know that someone will. So to anyone who has lost a child, or finds this pain later in their life, I pray that you keep your faith. I pray that you know that you WILL see them again. And, I am telling you now that no matter where you are in your grief, you are doing ok. Its more than ok to cry, scream, yell, and feel angry. Its more than ok to stumble and feel like you can't get out of your bed. Its also ok to smile, and to feel happiness. Remember that God won't abandon you, and He will help you through. Turn your worst days over to Him.

 

Count your blessing, and take nothing for granted. This life is not a promise or a guarantee. But live to make Him proud, and you will see your loved ones again.

 

Love you so much, Khoen. Mommy misses you each and every day. <3

Bibles & Mermaids

I haven't blogged in quite a while, but tonight I can't think of anything else to do. It has been one crazy week. 

The thing about having multiple young children and illnesses....it seems like once we catch something, it goes around, then goes BACK around before it leaves us alone! And this has just been one of those weeks where, illness wise, I feel like I honestly can't win for losing. 

It was Kaisyn last week, with her nasty cough and throwing up in her bed. And now it's poor Mikah. But he seems to have her illness times 10.

This week, we've made 2 doctors trips for him, been on antibiotics, cleaned up puke, gone through 2 bottles of Tylenol, and religiously used numbing ear drops for his ears. Yet tonight, his fever has been hanging out around 104, and it sucks. I hate seeing him feel bad...but, I am loving all the baby snuggles! 

Hopefully his fever will break overnight, and tomorrow will be a much better day. 

In other news, I found a support group on Facebook specifically for parents of twin-less twins. And though I have cried reading through all of their stories, it has been incredible to talk to people who can 100% relate to how it feels to have one twin while grieving the other. So thankful to have found it, and to be able to be a part of it. I am hoping it will help me through the hardest days...birthdays, holidays, angelversaries, etc. Not to mention everyday struggles. 

One thing that has been weighing on my heart lately is how I feel about my family being complete. 

(No, I am not considering another baby at this time. I will explain.)

When I found out I was having the twins, I knew I was done having babies. Then, finding out they were both boys and the perfect completion to our household reaffirmed that for me. Four kids felt chaotic, but normal, and happy. 

I still have 4 kids, but only 3 to care for on a daily basis. And that is hard, and stressful, and chaotic, yet it somehow still feels empty. It's weird. 

There are times when I am so fed up at the end of the day at the screaming, the attitudes, the fighting, the messes, that I am ready to say lets go tie my tubes tomorrow! But, I just can't make myself do anything that permanent just yet. 

I can't even fathom having another baby right now. Nor for years. I am mentally and emotionally not in the right place, and I know that for me personally, it will take years for me to overcome where I am right now. Climbing out of the pits of grief is not an easy process, not is it one foot in front of the other, and just keep walking. Sometimes, you slide back down, and have to start all over again.

Honestly, the thought of another baby terrifies me at the moment. I know that, if I got pregnant, I would want Khoen. If I found out it was a girl, I would be upset, because it wasn't Khoen. If I found out it was a boy, I would still be upset, because he still wouldn't be Khoen. And even if I had another son who happened to look exactly like Khoen, I would still be upset because he isn't Khoen, and Mikah isn't by his side...as in, he isn't a twin. 

In other words, my heart still just wants Khoen too deeply to try and figure out how to deal with those emotions right now. Maybe someday, but not soon. 

I know that God has a plan, and if it is His will for me to have another child in my lifetime, then it shall be. And then, I will be ok. I will once again figure out how to be strong, for my family and that baby, and for Khoen. 

Changing subjects again.....but, I am pretty sure my kids are continually trying to tell me they want another dog, haha. Kaisyn and Mikah crawl around 'barking' multiple times a day. I am still having to tell Kaisyn that she isn't supposed to actually lick me in the face like a dog does....but, that lesson is taking some time. When she is a dog, she is in the moment, and beware, because she will lick you! And Mikah is absolutely hilarious as a 'puppy'...he just crawls up to you, screams 'WOOF!', and stays with his head pushed up against your leg until you pet him! It doesn't matter if you wait 5 minutes...he isn't budging until you rub that puppy's head! 

Makenna, well she is occasionally a puppy, but mostly a horse. I desperately want to take her to actually see and pet horses...she is so obsessed! They are on her clothes, in her drawings, in her playtime imaginations, in her dreams, and when we play school, you guessed it.....there are horses IN the school! (She periodically has to stop teaching and go let the horses out, or catch one because it is running away. Hilarious.)

But unfortunately for Makenna, there just isn't room in this townhouse for a horse. And there isn't patience in mommys life at the moment for a puppy! Too many toys on the floor, kiddos on the carpet, and noise in each room. Although, it would be nice not to have to sweep so often!

All in all, we are doing ok. We struggle, but we smile. And we find a way to make it through each situation placed in our laps. 

Thankful to God for loving me through all of it. 

Oh, last cute Makenna tale....she has been so pumped to check out her first book from the school library, and had to miss it Tuesday because they had pictures and didn't get to go. They went today, and she was excitedly telling me all about it on the ride home from school. I asked her what book she chose, and her response was, "Well, they didn't have the Bible, so I chose The Little Mermaid." Bless that sweet child's heart. <3

Tylenol and temp check time for Mikah, so goodnight all!

Growing up.

Summer is almost over, and this year has flown by so far. My oldest daughter just turned 5, and will be starting kindergarten this year. That just seems unreal. She was just born; she was just learning to walk and talk...and now she is a sweet, smiley, independent little 5 year old, who absolutely can't wait for her first day of school. 

My younger daughter is 2 and a half now, and is so vibrant and full of herself. She is determined that she can do anything her sissy does, and definitely thinks the world revolves around her. She is loud and sassy, but can be the absolute sweetest child you'll ever meet. A true little diva!

And little Mikah....well, isn't so little anymore! He thinks he is a monkey, and builds his own obstacles to climb to get himself as far off the ground as possible. He is spunky and a little over dramatic, with the most high-pitched scream I've ever heard. But he is so sweet, and so much fun to be around. He is talking so well, which sometimes makes me sad. He's my baby, and he is growing too quickly. 

Tonight has been really hard. As I sat thinking of how much those 3 have grown, I found myself listening to 'Hug Him Once For Me' for the millionth time this year.  I remembered how it felt to snuggle with Khoen, and hug him up to me so tightly. I tried to think of how it would feel to hug him now....

Sometimes when I try to imagine how he would look, I just see Mikah. I guess because they are twins. But then I feel sad, because I know he wouldn't look like Mikah. Mikah looks like my girls, with blonde hair and blue eyes. Khoen was opposite. He has brown hair, and dark eyes that were almost blue-brown. He had a different face shape, and a different body type than Mikah. Mikah is tiny, like his oldest sister, Makenna. Khoen was built bigger, like Kaisyn. 

I think that's when things seem to hurt the most; when I realize that I don't know what my own son would look like at 17 months old. I shouldn't have to 'imagine' what my son would look, and feel, and smell, and sound like. I should be able to see it. I should know. I want him here so badly. 

People still tell me all the time how I'm so strong. How all angel mothers are so strong, and they don't see how we do it. People ask me how I get through. Truth is, I don't know. I don't feel strong. I just continue to try and be the mother that my other kids deserve to have. As what Khoen would want. 

But sometimes, we can't be strong, and that's when we need our family and friends the most to carry us through. Tonight, I couldn't be strong. I needed to break down. And usually, that's when I feel Khoen the most. When I'm at my weakest, and I have been crying for hours; not just crying, sobbing...where I can't breathe, and my chest hurts, and my stomach is churning, and I run out of tears. Then, I somehow find myself staring at the sky and smiling. And I have no clue where the smile came from, or how I could possible form one on my face with the hurt that my heart feels. That's when I know Khoen is right beside me, holding my heart, and telling me he is ok, and it's ok to cry. It's ok to miss him. I love that little boy to the moon and back, a million times. 

In the song, it says, 

'And when I get to Heaven, and see all you have done,
I know that I will understand, and to him I will run, 
I'll hug him once for me, 
Hold him up real close,
He'll sit upon my knee, 
And tell me all the things you've taught him, about you,
He'll whisper in my ear, 
One more simple truth,
He'll tell me that he loves you,
And that he loves me too.'

I can't imagine the happiness and the love that I will feel when I can see him again, and run up and grab him into my arms to stay forever. I can't imagine how amazing it will feel to finally hear his little voice, that I never heard here on earth, tell me that he loves me. 

I love you so, so much, Khoen. And I miss you more and more each day. Thank you for hugging my heart tonight, and staying by my side. I want so badly just to kiss you, but I blew you kisses to the sky, and I'm sure you caught them. I love you, baby. 

My Journey to June 2013

Life is a journey. There are so many different paths, and they all lead in a different direction. 

As a Christian, we are taught that God has a will for us, and if we follow his will, we will see his plan for our lives, whatever it may be. That can be difficult to understand, because some of the events that take place here on earth cause so much pain and suffering, and you can't understand how a God who loves you so, could dare put you through such a situation. 

There's the quote, "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." True, but you know what sucks about this quote? Most of us who have learned just how 'strong' we are, didn't really want to know, or care to find out. I was good with my level of strength before I lost my son. I was happy in that place in life. 

Sure, now I know that I CAN be strong when I need to be, but I promise you I would have been just fine being 'strong enough' to raise 4 kids under 4. That took strength, too, just of a different kind. 

Losing my son changed my life in so many ways though, much more than just showing me that I do in fact have a brave face, and I can shoulder a mountain when it comes to making sure my other children can handle the situation and come out with a smile. It changed the way I read bible verses. It changed the way I heard lyrics to songs. It changed the way I looked at the sky, and saw the clouds. It changed the way I felt the rain. It changed they way I loved and felt love. It changed the way I saw greed. It changed the way I looked at people who couldn't find their smile, and at people who smile all the time. 

I have never been a person who judges people. I don't believe that is my place. The Bible tells me that God is the only one who can judge, and I will leave that to him. I may not support something that someone does, but that doesn't keep me from being kind to them, and being a friend. There are good people in this world who struggle with addictions. What good is pushing them away and telling them they are dirt going to do? Just because someone loves someone else who you believe is wrong, is that your decision to make for them? 

I wish that people could see what is so truly important in this life. Time is short, too short to spend it judging and being judged. There are people who thought I was crazy for having kids so close together, and that's ok. I'm not mad that they think/thought that. But, it was my choice. And I am a good mother. My kids know love, and they know that they don't have to be perfect to receive it. They know that I am here for them, even when I am struggling to be present for myself. 

People take too many things in this life for granted. I know many mothers now that have twins. It's crazy, too, because before I had twins, I didn't know very many. Try may drive you crazy when both are hungry and screaming, or when they fight, or when they double team you, but please enjoy it. Enjoy it for me, and mothers like me, who would give anything to have it back. I know that I wasn't perfect, but I thought I was doing good with my twins. And then, as quickly as they came into my life, they were gone. I still have me precious Mikah, and he is the most incredible 16 month old little boy I could have imagined. But, I don't have my twins. 

There is a mother that I know, not personally but through the wonderful world of Facebook, who has the sweetest twin girls. She never complains about the chaos that I'm sure her house can be with 2 year old girls, nor does she complain when she literally ends up with poop all over the floor of her house. She just laughs and keeps going. She is incredible.

She doesn't take her twins for granted, and I think that is why I adore her so much. She knows that life isn't promised, and it isn't easy. She knows this, because in June of last year, one of these precious 2 year old girls I have told you about was diagnosed with cancer. 

Tis little girl has also been such an inspiration and a HERO to me, because you should just see her smile! And her twin sister as well, because she, too, has dealt with a lot in the past year. She had to watch her sister struggle, and now understand why. But the smiles of these little ladies are so contagious, and I absolutely love every picture their sweet momma posts. 

This mother truly knows not to take anything for granted, even little things to some people, such as hair. She shaved her head in honor of her daughter, and raised thousands of dollars, and I mean double digits, for childhood cancer. That is a strong momma. 

But I guarantee if I asked her if she really could have done without knowing how strong she was, and not had to stare cancer in the face and tell it that it WASN'T going to win, she would say yes. She knows who she is, and I hope she knows what an impact she has made on me, and how much I love her. And if I ever go to NY, I will find her just to give her a hug, haha. Don't take hugs for granted, either!

Another thing that losing a child has changed for me has been my marriage. A topic I don't like to speak of, because so many people jump the bandwagon and are quick to give their unwanted opinions, mostly negative, towards these issues. 

When Khoen passed away, we were told by our counselor that couples who lose a child either grow stronger, or push each other so far apart that they can't heal together. 

This is the best analogy I can come up with. When you fall in love, you create this rope together. The rope starts out so strong, and can pull you easily through the muddiest situations. 

As time goes by, little things in life weather the rope a little, but but enough to cause significant damage. Then, you lose a child. There is nothing else to life at that moment in time, so you lay the rope down. While its down, it begins to rot. When you attempt to pick this rope back up and pull the other back to their feet, the rope may break. If it breaks, you can always re-tie it, but there will always be a knot. An imperfection in this rope that maybe only the two of you can see. 

At that point, you have 2 choices. You can either start together on building a new rope, one that is stronger and made of better material, because you know now that life is ruthless and doesn't care if your rope gets weathered. Or, you can choose together to put that rope down, and walk away. 

For some people, walking away is too easy.  For others, it can be the hardest thing they have ever had to do, but it may also be the smartest decision to make, for their sakes, and the lives of their living children. 

For Dustin and I, we laid down our rope on June 2, 2012, when Khoen Lee McGinnis took his last breath here on earth. And upon trying to pick each other back up with it, it broke. We tried to tie it back together, but have realized that the knot that is there is something that hurts us both each day. 

We have tried to find the strength to start maki a new rope together, but that's hard when there are days when you don't even feel like letting your feet touch the floor. 

So yes, we struggle. And we fake it like everyone else does. We pretend to be ok, because that's what the world wants to see. They want to see us come out on the other side, smiling, waving a flag of victory that we made it through hell and came out victorious, and together. 

We will continue to try until we both realize there is nothing left to build a rope with. Then and only then will we walk away. But that doesn't mean it's going to get easier any time soon. 

Another fun fact to learn when you go through something devastating is who me really there for you, who is too scared to come around, and who only wants the fame of being able to say they helped someone in need. 

I have met some incredible people through my journey, and continue to meet more as time goes by. And some of them may think I am rude and crazy, and that's ok, but I'm not. 

There are days when I can't talk. I have no words to say. There are people who dislike me now because I didn't want to come to many social events for a long, long time after Khoen passed. But, I hate being fake. And if I let the real, raw tears escape in front of them, I wasn't sure how they would handle it. Not to mention that I am a naturally shy person, so I am much too shy to let emotions out in front of people I don't know well. 

So, I'm sorry if I have met you and not lived up to your expectations in this last year. I has been a struggle, but I have and am and will continue to try my hardest to come through this. 

I am a grieving mother, and nothing makes that any easier. 

I love you Khoen, and I miss you more with each setting sun, sweet boy. <3

Struggling.

I don't think "having a rough time" describes things right now.

Most of the time, I keep my personal life just that: personal. And when I'm having a bad day, I may let others know, but I keep the reasons to myself, and fake a smile, and keep pushing through.

That gets hard. Sometimes I feel like I am living my whole life as 'fake'. Because sometimes I am scared that if people knew how bad things get sometimes, they would abandon me, and I don't want that.

Losing a child can do one of two things to a marriage. It can bring you closer than ever, or push you apart. At least that's what our counselor told us.

Well, it didn't bring Dustin and I closer. We do our best to get along for our kids, but there are so many unresolved feelings between us, and both of us are mostly scared to talk about things with the other person. It creates a lot of tension between us, and makes it really hard at times.

I love Dustin, and I know that he loves me as well. But we both are so hurt and so broken, and sometimes it can be a struggle to try and help each other when we don't really even know how to get through the day ourselves.

And financial struggles are doing nothing but making like SO much harder. I started selling Origami Owl to try and help my family out, but ended up so much in the hole because of some issues during Mother's Day, and trying to catch up on backordered items. We got behind on rent, and on our other bills, and sometimes it seems like we are never going to get our head above water again.

There are days when I wish that I could just go back to working full-time, and making the money like I used to make when I worked at the bank. But, I would pay almost my entire check in childcare, and it wouldn't be helping us at all.

I know that once Kaisyn and Mikah go to school and I can work full-time again to support my family, things will get easier. But sometimes it is SO hard to look to the future and see the brighter side of things.

I am always trying to pray and give things over to God, but that is easier said than truly done. There have been days when we literally have no food and no money, and thank God for my parents coming to save the day. I don't know what we would do without them, and don't think they will ever truly know how much we appreciate them.

I guess grief just makes everyday struggles amplified by like 1,000,000. Before Khoen passed away, things were hard financially sometimes, but I was happy, and that made things so much easier. Things were hard in our marriage sometimes, but we were always able to find a happy medium and get past things. We could always easily work things out. There were stressful days, but never days when I didn't think I could even get out of my bed.

It doesn't help that I have practically become an insomniac again. No matter how I try and relax, or how exhausted I am, I absolutely cannot sleep when I lay down at night! It's crazy! I have seen 5am twice this week from still being awake.

On days when I absolutely have to be up to do something, I can take Tylenol PM or something to help me sleep, but I am the type of person who doesn't like to be dependent on things like that, so I don't like to take it every night.

At night is when all of my thoughts just seem to hit me so hard. I think it makes it harder that Mikah is still in mine and Dustin's room. It's not that I don't absolutely love to watch that lil boy sleep, because I do. But I think it makes it harder to face the fact that Khoen isn't here each night.

The boys were supposed to be in their own room by now, and the girls together in a room as well. Losing Khoen slowed everything down. I was scared for a long time to let Mikah out of my sight when he was asleep....so scared that he wouldn't wake up, and SIDS would strike again, and my world would come crashing down once more. So we kept him in our room until his first birthday, and just keep making excuses now.

I have finally, with the help of my mom, cleaned up Makenna's room to make room for Kaisyn's bed to go in there, too. And our plan is to get the girls into a room together hopefully by this weekend. Then, Mikah will go into Kaisyn's room. That is still hard for me, too, because for some reason it just hurts to put him in a room alone. He shouldn't be alone. He should have a roommate. He should have his twin.

But I have to take a deep breath, and realize that THIS is my life now. Struggles and all. I don't know why. I don't know why I have to wake up every morning with a broken heart. I don't know what I did to deserve this. I don't know why Khoen didn't get a chance at a long, happy life.

I will know someday. I still have faith in that, and I still have faith that I will see him again. It's just waiting for that day that is so hard.

I know this all just sounds like a whole bunch of complaining, and it probably is. Just me venting. But I really, really needed to vent. I needed to get things off my chest. I get so tired of pretending to be ok. Of pretending that life is great, and we are great, and I am just so great.

Thank God for my other 3 kids. I couldn't get through this pain without them. They are my smile.

I am excited about Friday, because I get to keep some other little ones that I love, and have Victoria and her son over as well. I am hoping the weather is nice, and we can enjoy some time outside. Being surrounded by kids makes me feel ok for a little while. I'm not sure why. Life was so chaotic for a while when the twins were first born, but it was fun. I've always loved kids, and used to dream of working in a daycare. So I love having a house full of kids.

One day, I hope we can get past all of these things, and buy a house of our own, with a yard for the kids to play in, and a playroom...so that I can let the kids play and not have to lose my living room under the mess each day! I know that we will get there, it just takes working towards it. And that is what Dustin and I are both trying to do.

I don't think I let him know enough how much I do appreciate him working to support our family. We may not have much, but we do have love. And even through our brokenness, I know that our kids know love, and they know that even on mommy's worst days, they can give me a hug and make me smile.

We will get through this. This too shall pass. Like I said, grief just makes it harder.

Mommy misses you Khoen. I always will. But I know you've been hugging my heart all day...I've felt that little tugging. You are so amazing, Khoen. I love you so, so much. Mommy is trying, Khoen. I promise.

One Year Already...Khoen's 1st Angelversary in Heaven.

I don't think I can properly describe how I feel as midnight approaches. And I can assure you it will be past midnight when I finish writing this, meaning it will officially be June 2. It's so crazy, because in a weird way, it's like I felt like this day couldn't come. I couldn't live through it again. Yet, here I am, counting down the minutes.

 

I am a nervous, emotional trainwreck. For the past week, I have had spells where I can't stop shaking. I can't seem to calm myself down, and get myself together, even though I may not be crying or anything else at the time. I just shake. I am terrified of tomorrow, because it has become so real.

 

For the first few months, or really the first 11 months, I think I still lived in denial. This couldn't be my life. My son couldn't die. THIS COULD NEVER HAPPEN TO ME. Even on my hardest days, when I would miss him so much and cry for endless hours, it still seemed like a dream. Like he would eventually come back. This has to be a cruel, sick joke, and it can't be my life.

 

And reality has finally hit me like a brick. Khoen really isn't coming back to me. His little sweet life really did end on June 2, 2012.

 

 

If you had asked me on May 31 of last year where I would be today, I probably would have laughed and said potentially crazy, but I would be in my house, raising my 2 girls and my twin boys, and life would be chaotic, but mine, and I loved it.

 

I would see other moms who lost their babies, and cry for them. I would say that I could NEVER live through that. I would go insane. You honestly never think that something like this can impact your family. My kids were healthy. Khoen had his share of issues, but nothing too serious, and he was a happy little fellow.

 

May 31, 2012 started out just like any other day. My friend Victoria and her little boy came over to spend the day with us, and to help out with the kids. The house was loud and crazy, but we were enjoying ourselves.

 

We talked about the beach, and how her son had never been, and Kaisyn hadn't been, and the boys were just too little for me to take just yet. We started talking about going, and ended up planning a short trip for the next day. Just one night, and come back that Saturday by lunchtime. Nothing big, because I didn't want to be away from the boys for too long.

 

But it was important to me for me to remind the girls that they were special to me still, too. Kaisyn had really taken up with Dustin at the time, because I always seemed to be busy with the twins. And Makenna was such a sweet big sister, and a help to me, but she could feel that I didn't have as much time for her, and it was affecting her, too.

 

So I thought it would be a perfect little night away for us girls. And through tears and prayers, I came to peace with leaving the boys with their daddy for the night. They would be in good hands.

 

So that day, we packed up a few things we would need from my house, and literally carried Khoen around the house with us everywhere. He was a happy baby when he was being spoiled, but he couldn't stand to be put down. So I was used to accomplishing things while holding a baby.

 

Khoen was a little fussy that day, but nothing concerning. He had bad reflux, and he would have those fussy spells, so I didn't see it as anything out of the ordinary. Besides, like I said, you never think your baby could be gone in the blink of an eye.

 

That evening, after the girls were asleep, I sat in our green recliner and rocked Khoen, as I did every night, until 2 am, when Dustin and I would switch off. I fed Khoen the bottle at 2, and then he would usually let me lay him down, and I could sleep. And Dustin did the 6 am feeding, so it worked out well.

 

I rocked him, and snoozed with him a little, and sang to him, and cuddled him. But I still think I took it for granted, because I thought I had years of those cuddles left, until he outgrew my lap.

 

I swear, had I known, I really would have never put him down. I would have held him until he took his last breath. But he was ok at the time, and he went to sleep after his 2 am bottle as normal, and I thought nothing of it.

 

We woke up early the next morning, and by 7 am we were ready to go. I kissed Mikah and Khoen both goodbye, and cried a little as I headed out the door, because leaving them was harder than I had imagined it being. But, I was looking forward to my time with my girls, and was able to convince myself I had the next day to cuddle my boys again, so I was ok.

 

We drove to Charleston, and enjoyed a beautiful day out on the beach. We found this amazing little inlet, and the kids loved playing in the sand. Makenna was unsure of the ocean, but Kaisyn just crawled right in. They had a blast. It rained that evening, so we weren't able to enjoy downtown like we had planned. But we figured we would head there early the next morning, and see downtown before we had to leave and head home.

 

I called Dustin around 10 pm to check on the babies. He had just finished feeding them both and put them to bed. I was a little surprised that Khoen let him put him to sleep, but at the same time, babies know when there is someone around who will spoil them, and Khoen knew if I was in sight, he could cry and be held. So I thought maybe he was just tired from playing hard with brother and daddy, and was sleepy. I let Dustin go, so he could get some sleep in case one of the boys decided 2am was going to be wake up time for the day.

 

What happened after that, I can't say for sure. I was in my hotel room asleep. I woke up the next morning, and saw that a precious little girl who had battled leukemia from the age of 5 months old, was having some issues with her heart. Her name was Gabby, and she was always close to mine and Dustin's heart, and we followed her story daily. I had the pleasure of meeting her when Khoen was in the hospital, and stayed in contact with her sweet momma from then on.

 

Gabby is now an Angel with Khoen, and I know they are great friends. <3

 

I texted Dustin to see if he had seen it, and got no response. I didn't think anything of it, because I figured he had fallen back asleep with the boys.

 

My mom called a few minutes later, and the worst day of my life began. She told me I needed to head home right away, that Khoen had been taken to the hospital. She told me he wasn't breathing good, but wouldn't answer any othr questions.

 

I immediately knew in my gut that something was very, very wrong. I called my dad, who was with Dustin. My dad was crying, and he doesn't cry. I begged him to tell me Khoen was ok. But he just said he was so, so sorry. I asked him if Khoen was ok, and he said no.

 

I asked him if Khoen was gone, and he said yes.

 

The rest of the day, and the next few days, is a blur. I think my mind tries to block it out, because it was such a bad time. I was sick, couldn't eat, and couldn't stop the tears. I would scream. I would cry. And I would literally yell Khoen's name at the top of my lungs.

 

I remember driving to my house a few days after, the night before the funeral, to get a few things for the girls. I was at a stoplight, and just started punching the steering wheel, and screaming. I honestly felt like I was going insane.

 

I couldn't sleep, because I was too scared of waking up to the Hell that I was living in. I didn't want to feel the pain. I didn't want to see Mikah without Khoen beside of him. I didn't want to try to be ok for my other kids, because at the time, I wasn't ok. At all. I just wanted to hold Khoen.

 

I wasn't going to view him at the funeral home. I was going to have family take pictures, so I could see them when I was ready. But when we got there, as sick as I felt, I knew I had to go in.

 

I remember walking through the doors to the big room he was in, and seeing his little casket laying on a table, open and ready for us to see him. I was scared to approach him, because I knew I would want to pick him up and just take off with him, and somehow bring him back to life and make him ok. That had to be possible. He couldn't really be gone.

 

I think I hid behind Dustin the whole way over. Khoen was so tiny in that tiny casket. And he looked like a little baby doll, not my sweet boy. He was covered in makeup, and was wearing a little hat I brought for him that said Love Me. He was in his little brother onesie, and his khaki pants, and tiny little socks.

 

I remember touching him, and being able to feel that he wasn't there. I remember how sick it made me. But still, that was his little body, and I wanted so badly to protect it.

 

I had to leave after a few minutes, because I had a complete breakdown. Mine and Dustin's families went in and viewed him, and when they were done, I went to see him one last time. 

 

Do you know what the hardest part of seeing my 4 month old son laying in a casket was?

 

It was walking away.

 

I still can't believe in my heart that as his mother, I just left him there. I went home, and he was there, in a casket. Not with me.

 

I had to remind myself that he wasn't there, only his tiny little body was.

 

I am a Christian, and I believe in God and in Heaven, and I know with all of my heart that I will see Khoen again someday. And I know that in talking about that week of my life, I don't mention my faith much at first. That's because honestly, when something like that happens, everyone questions. At first, I was angry with God. Why me? Why my son? WHY KHOEN?! Don't You know how much I need him here? Don't you know how much I love him?

 

The next day was his funeral. I looked at a picture of his little casket at the funeral for the first time today. Victoria had one on her phone. My mind blocked that image from me, and no matter how much I try to remember, I can't remember seeing his casket laying there. I remember my cousin singing, and our pastor preaching, and all of the people hugging me.

 

And, once again, I remember leaving.

 

We stayed around for as long as we could, because I just couldn't leave him there. That's my baby. He may get hot, or cold, and I can't protect him. I can't leave him.

 

Then, I saw the man on the tractor at the top of the hill, watching for us to leave. I knew in my heart what he was waiting to do, but I couldn't leave so that it wouldn't happen.

 

We finally made our way to the car, and I felt so sick. As we were sitting there about to leave, I saw the man on the tractor headed our way. I literally started to scream, and my mom had to drive me away as quickly as she could. I watched that man the whole time. I watched as they put my baby into the ground, and I watched that man pick up his pile of dirt, and drop it into the hole. They were really burying my baby. My Khoen.

 

I cried so hard all the way to my moms. I knew it was going to happen, but I still couldn't believe it.  I wanted to badly to get my dads shovel and go save Khoen. Get him out of there and bring him back to me, where he belongs. But for what?

 

For the 11 months after Khoen passed away, I struggled, but I was able to find peace in my faith, and in knowing that my sweet boy was playing in Heaven, and is happy, and I will see him again.

 

I still believe this, and it is still what gets me through each and every day. But as I said, reality has hit me, that he isn't coming back. I really can't kiss him or hold him again, until the day God calls me home.

 

Khoen is God's son, that God gave me the amazing opportunity to be called his mommy. And God is the only person who could possibly love Khoen more than I could.

 

I still am not sure why Khoen couldn't stay with me, and grow up with his twin brother. But I know that when I get to Heaven, God will show me. I just have to trust in Him until then.

 

To My Sweet Khoen:

 

I miss you more and more with each day that passes. I hold a pillow every night, and I dream that it is you. There are morning when I wake up crying, and want to throw that pillow, because it is still just a pillow, and you are still in Heaven.

 

Makenna talks about you more and more now. She misses you a lot. She left you flowers that she picked on your resting place the other day, because she said she hoped you would see them, and come visit her.

 

Mommy needs to feel you around me more than ever, and I know that you will do that for me. I am really struggling with the fact that it has been a whole year since I kissed your perfect little cheek.

 

I don't know why I couldn't keep you here with me, but I know that you know, and you can see God's amazing plan. Please be ready when I get there, Khoen. Please be waiting for me, because I want nothing more than to scoop you up and never have to let you go again.

 

I'm sorry that I am weak sometimes, and can't stop crying. I try so hard to be strong, because I know that you want me to be, for Makenna, and Kaisyn, and Mikah. Please help me be strong, Kho.

 

I love you, and I never knew I could miss someone so much. I will see you soon, Khoen. Thank you again this year for the butterflies.

 

I love you, always and forever.

 

Your Mommy.

 

 

Before I go cry myself to sleep, I want to thank everyone who has been here for me in the past year. I couldn't have made it through without you. Even if I have never met you except online, thank you. I don't think some of you really know how much of an impact you have on my life.

 

To my angel mommies and families, please know that tomorrow as I remember Khoen, I will be remembering your sweet babies, too. Raidyn, Chloe, Gabby, Justin, Brooklyn, and so, so many more. I love each of you.

 

Well, I have officially survived the first year without my son. It is June 2, 2013.

 

Don't ask me today how I'm doing, wait until tomorrow. Then, with the help of Khoen, and the strength of God, I will tell you that I am doing ok. <3