Well, I must admit....I'm a nervous wreck. Seriously.
All of you mommies that have little ones in school, I give you props. I'm joining your world tomorrow, and I can't decide if I'm ready or not! Then again, is there ever a mom who is really ready to let their little ones go to school?
I know this is going to be an amazing experience for Makenna, and for that reason, I'm very excited. She is going to have fun, and learn so much, and make new friends. And she really couldn't be more excited.
But I also know that this is the beginning of a 14-year adventure for her....from preschool through 12th grade, this will be her daily routine. And I know how quickly she is going to grow and mature from here, and thats scary!
Makenna is my baby! Ok, yes, I have 4 babies. Just because she is my oldest, and is now 4, doesn't mean this is any easier. For the first year and a half of her life, I worked full time. Then, once I started working at the bank, I was still working part time until she was almost 3 years old. But once Kaisyn was born, I decided to become a stay at home mommy, and Makenna has been my little helper ever since.
When Makenna first learned about what a friend was, she automatically started saying I was her best friend. And I just ate it up....I still do! I guess I just know whats coming in the years that follow this preschool year. Friends, best friends, boys (10 years from now, of course), fun sleepovers, and little heartbreaks. And as excited as I am to be her mommy and walk her through all of it, I wish I could just hold her little self in my arms forever, and just protect her from the world.
Impossible, I know. But wouldn't it be great?
Another scary thing about her starting preschool is that I know Kaisyn and Mikah will be following her through those doors before I know it! And this momma is just not nearly ready to even think about that yet!
But, as I said, Makenna is thrilled. She has her bookbag ready to go, her little clothes laid out, and socks already inside of her shoes. She had her bath tonight, and wanted me to curl her hair so she could be gorgeous for her first day. (Boy, am I going to have my hands full in a few years!) Her hair is too fine to hold a curl, so I told her she could wear a pretty bow, and reminded her that she is always gorgeous, no matter what she is wearing. She was satisfied by this. :)
So she is ready to go, and I am already giving myself the drop-her-off-and-don't-let-her-know-your-sad peptalk. Its been playing in my head for the past few hours. I'm going to do my best to hold myself together for her, and share her excitement.....but I know as soon as I pull out of that parking lot I'm going to lose it! Good thing the school is VERY close to my house!
Having Kaisyn and Mikah with me will help, and my sweet friend Ashley has said she is coming by. I am so thankful for that....I'm going to need a hug! I will make it through the day...and she will be back in my arms before I know it. God's got this...He's knows I know that.
I don't think I would be quite as concerned if she wasn't the only girl in her class. Yes, it's a small class, with only 9 compared to the 18 students in other Gaston County preschools. And there is still one open spot in her classroom....so fingers crossed she gets a little girl to play with! But as of now, it will be Makenna, and 7 little boys.
Don't get me wrong, I love little boys, and Makenna just likes to play with anyone. But at her orientation, she was very excited to see a big bin of Barbies in her classroom....and I'm not sure any of the little boys are going to want to join her in playing with those! And I want her to have that socialization, and someone to share that excitement with. Maybe I can sneak in her backpack and just go play Barbies with her! ;)
Kidding, of course. We are going to pray for the best, and see how things go. And if she doesnt seem to be enjoying it and we think she would do better in more of a mixed environment, with girls and boys to play with, we may pull her out, and put her into a different preschool program. I know that God will show us what the right thing to do is. So for now, I'll be continuing my peptalk, and holding back tears!!
Miss Kaisyn had her first day of "school" this past Thursday, and she did great! She colored a picture, which of course is still hanging on the fridge, and will definitely be going in a scrapbook. Yes, I'm that kind of crazy momma, and my kids "firsts" are invaluable to me. And yes, she has colored many a picture at home, but this was her first picture from school! Big deal.
She cried when we left her, and since Makenna was with me, Makenna lost it. She started crying, and couldn't stand to leave her little sister in there crying. She kept begging me to go back and get her, "save her" as she put it, and it took me taking her to Toys R Us and buying a pony for her to realize that Kaisyn was going to be ok, and we would be picking her up soon. But talk about making it hard for me to leave her there! Geeeesh, your 4 year old being broken-hearted over it does not help!
By the time we came back to get Kaisyn, she was playing like a pro, and she had fun. Of course she instantly started screaming for me once I came into view, but still. She did amazing, and her school is amazing. And I think it is going to be a positive experience for her.
And Mr. Mikah! I swear, this little man literally grows an inch every day! He also went to "school" last Thursday, and did awesome of course. His teachers said he made their day with his sweet little smiles. Mikah is the happiest little boy, and he is so much fun to be around.
Leaving him there was hard...I'm still a little overprotective of him. Ok, maybe I'm a lot overprotective. But walk a mile in my shoes....you'd be the same way.
I think him going to "school" will be a positive experience for both Mikah and momma. Mikah will love playing with his teachers and the other little babies as he continues to become more active, and it will be good for me to realize that I can leave him, and he will be OK.
That's a big deal to me. I still have a fear of leaving him, since when I left for the beach, Khoen coincedentally passed away. So honestly, leaving Mikah for any amount of time scares me more than you can imagine. It's going to take baby steps....and leaving him in loving hands one day a week for 3 hours is a good start, if you ask me!
Going to his neurologist on Wednesday last week was a really beneficial appointment for me. The doctor was AMAZING, and explained things in terms that a regular human could actually understand.
We talked to him about how Mikah's soft spot had been bulging a little lately. His is not nearly as prominent as Khoen's was, but still, talk about scary. And he explained that we all have two sinuses that run from the front of our skull to the back, and they work as a drain for the fluid around our brain as our brains grow and develop. And sometimes, in preemies as well as occasionally in full-term babies, those sinuses are underdeveloped. This simply means that the fluid can't drain as quickly, and can sometimes cause this "bulging" to occur.
THE GOOD NEWS: This really is harmless. The only way that this is dangerous is if it causes hydrocephaly. But, as in Khoen's case, we would have known if that had been an issue for him. His skull would have grown rapidly, and his sutures would have split. And his head would have looked way too big, and it is something that the doctors definitely would have caught, especially since they did an ultrasound.
WHICH MEANS: Our doctor was RIGHT when he said that Khoen's soft spot being full and bulging was not painful to Khoen, and COULD NOT have caused his death. You honestly don't know how amazing that is to hear, because I put so much pressure on myself for not having done more about that with Khoen.
He offered to do an MRI on Mikah to show us that the sinuses on his skull are too small, and so we could feel better about that being all it is. He looked at the head ultrasound from Mikah, and feels VERY sure that this is what caused his bulging. But, that would mean sedating Mikah for a procedure that can prove something which nothing can be done about....even if the sinuses are too small, there is no way for them to fix it. It is something he will just have to grow out of, which is what they told us about Khoen, and what we have been reassured was actually true. I don't want to sedate my baby for anything that isn't absolutely necessary, and we trust the doctor. So we declined.
THE POSSIBLE BAD NEWS: Because Mikah's head is slightly mis-shapen...ok, its pretty badly mis-shaped in the back especially, the doctor wanted to talk to us about a possible genetic metabolic disorder. In most cases, this mis-shapeness of a babies head is because of how he was in the womb, or how he likes to lay on his back. The back of Mikah's head is flat, which is pretty normal, but he also has some bulges and bumps, all which he will most likely grow into and will smooth out as his skull develops.
But this certain genetic metabolic disorder can cause these types of defomaties, and can also cause SIDS. The fact that Mikah was a twin, and Khoen passed away from what they are probably going to call SIDS, is also a factor in why he wanted to test Mikah for this. They did some bloodwork, and we will have the results in a few weeks. If he does have it, he may have to not eat certain proteins, or not go certain lengths of times without other proteins, until he gets a good bit bigger, and the worry of SIDS is gone.
The waiting game is never fun, but either way we are hoping for some relief. If he DOES have it, this will explain why Khoen had SIDS, because Khoen would have had it, too. Not that that makes it any better, but at least we have a reason. And like the doctor reassured us over and over, there was never a reason to test Khoen for this, because he was healthy, and this is rare. So our doctors did nothing wrong. And, if it is positive, we can get it under control, and hopefully have some piece of mind that SIDS won't be as big a worry anymore with Mikah.
And if he doesn't have it, then we still dont have to worry quite as much about SIDS. Khoen did have some issues with his heart and breathing that we thought we had under control, but Mikah has always been healthy and strong. So that's reassuring.
So all in all, we got a lot of reassurance, and good vibes, so-to-speak.
I know this has been long and probably boring, but I felt I should update everyone on my other 3 kids. Most of my blogs are focused solely on Khoen, because they help me express my feelings in ways that I can't do aloud.
I can still feel God working in me, and I know that He is holding me in his hand. And though tomorrow is going to be hard, because the reality of not having Makenna OR Khoen here will be very painful, I know He will get me through.
And I'm sure Khoen will send me a few butterflies to remind me that he is ok, and happy, and watching over mommy all the time. And to let me know he is right here with me. And that little tugging feeling that I get in my heart whenever he crosses my mind, is not a piece of my heart that actually missing....its just my little boy giving my heart a hug. :)
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