So Many Tears...

It's 4am, and I've been crying for hours. I can't even fully explain why. I just can't seem to stop.

Mikah is asleep right beside me, and I've been watching him literally all night. I take comfort in the fact that despite whatever disorder Mikah may have, he has always seen stable. He has always eaten like a little pro, and never shown any signs of being anything but healthy.

But I'm crying because Khoen was healthy, too, and it's so unfair that he isn't here. I try so hard to be strong, and 90% of the time I feel like I do a pretty good job. But sometimes it just hurts too much, and it's just so hard.

Even in my weakest moments, I don't doubt God, and I don't doubt his plan for my life, or Khoen's life, or for anything. I know that He is good.

But looking at Mikah right now, I can see how much he is growing. How big and strong he is getting. he rolls everywhere now when he is playing, and he is trying so hard to sit up on his own. He is starting to show signs of cutting his first tooth, and he is just such a happy, fun little guy to be around.

I enjoy every second with this little boy, but they also hurt so much. I want Khoen so badly.

I just want to see him, and see how big he would be, and what he would be doing. I wonder how big he would be, and how the two of them would interact together.

Please excuse my ty-pos, I honestly can't see well, because I really can't seem to get my tears under control.

Like I said, though, Mikah has always been stable, and never had any major health issues. And that is really reassuring as we wait to see his new genetic specialist, and get answers about what is going on inside his little body. And had this happened before Khoen passed away, when I had both of my boys; had they told me before all of this that my boys were at a serious increased risk for SIDS, I still wouldn't have worried quite as much. I would have never thought that could happen to me; to my family; to my children.

But Khoen did pass away, and it terrifies me now. They told me to "be on the side of extreme caution" and take Mikah in if he showed any signs of not eating quite as well, being overly tired, or being ill at all.

So my brain is screaming, "Holy crap, Mikah just coughed...is he ok?!?"

I don't even know what the line is right now for being over-protective and overly paranoid, and being on "the safe side."

And tonight, I'm just so tired and so stressed and so scared, that it just feels like too much. I need my kids, they are my everything. And I've already had to face the fact that Khoen was meant for better things, no matter how much it hurts. I can't bear to think of facing it again.

All of this is just so unfair. I read the blog tonight of a mom who lost her little boy to cancer...probably not the best thing to read when I'm already way too emotional about my own son, but still, I felt I had to read it.

Cancer. Diseases. SIDS. Still-births. Miscarriages.

It's all just so unfair.

And I'm so broken hearted tonight for some amazing friends of mine and Dustin's. September 20th will be their daughters first birthday, and her first angelversary in Heaven. And I hate this so much for them, because I hate that they have to hurt. I just wish I could take all of their pain and tears and carry them through this month.

I've come to the conclusion that the statement, "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" is not quite an accurate statement. It almost is, but not exactly.

Truthfully, it should say, "God doesn't give you more than HE can carry you through." Because let me tell you one thing that I know for sure...this has not been me, Meredith, walking in these shoes for the past 3 months. It has been God, carrying me every single day, being my strength in every sense of the word.

I'm not as strong as some may think that I am, and the truth is that that's ok. God says I don't have to be, because He is strong for me. I couldn't possibly be more thankful for that.

And tonight, I need His strength. I am trying to just turn this all over to Him, as he knows my pain, and knows that I will be ok.

Sometimes it's harder than others. I am a mother. I am Mikah's mother. I just want to shelter him and protect him, and make sure nothing bad ever happens to my baby boy.

I am Makenna's mother, and I want to make sure no stupid bugs bite my babygirl and make her little leg hurt. I want to make sure she doesn't get teased at her school, and protect her from the world.

I am Kaisyn's mother, and I want to keep my clumsy little sweetheart from falling over as she waddles around the house. I want to make sure she doesn't get a boo-boo, and that she feels safe no matter where she is; because she knows mommy loves her, and is here.

But I am also Khoen's mother, and I want to hold him, and kiss him, and sing to him, and snuggle him, and wipe his tears, and take him to the doctors, and protect his little heart, and keep him safe, and dress him in cute clothes, and laugh with him, and teach him things, and do every little thing that we as mother's sometimes take for granted. But I can't, because he is now my little angel, and he knows a happiness that I can only fathom.

Every day with your children is a blessing, and it shouldn't take something life-altering to show you that. No matter how much they push your buttons and work your nerves, be thankful for every moment that you have your children in your arms, because we are never gauranteed tomorrow.

To all the mommies who have little ones who are fighting for their lives every day, please know that I'm praying for you, even if I don't know you personally. You're children are my heros.

And to all of my fellow angel mommies, I am sorry you know this pain. I am sorry that you know how these "empty arms" feel, and I am praying for you as well.

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice that you have. <3

Knowing how many people love my little Mikah and Khoen, and Makenna and Kaisyn as well, melts my heart. Hearing all of the prayers that are coming our way is such a blessing in itself. And I've thanked God so many times for the amazing people he has shown to me that I don't even know; but that would take the time out of their day to tell me that they are praying for my family, and that they admire us. You are amazing, and I feel like God lays the words on peoples hearts when he knows we need to hear them the most.

Its ok to not always feel like you're made of steel; God can be strong for you. Just remember to turn it over to him.

Tonight, I'm pretty sure I'm made of playdoh, and I don't know how many more tears I can possibly shed before my eyes are completely dried out. But tomorrow is a new day, and only God knows what it will bring.

Goodnight, Khoen. Please stay extra close to your brother right now, and to mommy, daddy, and your sisters as well. I know you hear Makenna tell you goodnight every night, and good morning every day when she wakes up. She misses you; daddy misses you; Kais & Mikah miss you; and mommy misses you, little man, so so much.

I don't feel strong right now, but I have no choice but to press on. So that is what I will do. <3