3 Months Later...

Well, its been 3 months today since I gained an angel. And yet it still feels like a dream.

It's weird though....a lot of times, I still feel like Khoen was a good dream. Of course, his death was a nightmare. But he was such a blessing, and I had him in my arms for such a short time, that it honestly does feel like he was a dream come true some days.

As I've said before, I always wanted twins. I used to play mommy and pretend I had twins, and I wrote stories about me having twins. And seeing two babies on my first ultrasound was my lifelong dream becoming my reality. And it was an incredible, indescribable feeling.

Yet, here I sit, watching Mikah jump in his jumperoo, wondering how I ended up here. What is your plan for me, Lord? What is your reason for calling my son home so soon?

I know I can't understand. But I can feel the hurt, and I miss my son. I miss my twins.

I woke up this morning feeling sad, and at first I didn't realize why. I got out of bed, got my things together for my shower, and just cried. I didn't feel good, and I just felt overwhelmed, yet completely empty. While in the shower, it hit me. It's September 2. It's the 2nd of the month. It's been 3 months today.

Ouch.

I tried to snap myself out of the depressed mood, but just kept struggling. We stayed in, and just enjoyed time together as a family, and Dustin being home with us. And that was nice. Makenna was putting on show after show, as always, and dancing her little heart out. And Kaisyn tried honey mustard with her chicken at lunch, and loved it so much that she had to lick every little drop from her plate she could find. It was hilarious, and she was covered! And Mikah has giggled and rolled and made all of us smile.

It's tricky though. On days like today, it seems like each smile comes with 1,000 tears.

My heart is so full with thoughts of others right now too. Today, sweet little Gabby has been on my mind like crazy. She was admitted to the ICU, and I just can't stand the thought of that precious baby going through anything else. She is so strong, and a definite hero of mine.

And I'm praying hard this month for one of my very close friends, Ashley, and her husband Steven. On September 20, I will be celebrating their sweet daughter Chloes first birthday and angelversary in heaven with them. I know that Khoen is going to be holding her hand, and watching with her as we all celebrate how special she is. I love Chloe, and she has a very special place in my heart. And I just wish I could make this month easier on her mommy and daddy. Please, pray for them. I know God is good, and they know that as well. And He is carrying them through, but I'm still here to hold their hands and walk with them, too.

Khoen has made me a better person, and a better mommy, and a better follower of Christ. And I will never be able to thank my sweet boy enough for that. His picture is my background on my phone, and I look at it first thing every morning, and last thing at night before I go to sleep. Just to remind myself of what I have to live for, and what I have to look forward to when God calls me home. <3