Germs have overstayed their welcome in our house, to say the least! We went through a spell a while back where is seemed like we just couldn't kick the illnesses, and we've just been through it again!
It started 2 weeks ago, when Mikah started running a fever and got a nasty cough. We went to the doctor, and they said he had bronchiolitis. This was on a Friday.
The next Monday evening, Kaisyn spiked a fever. She just wasn't quite acting like her normal self, but we figured she was in the process of catching what Mikah had, so we weren't too concerned.
The next day, (Tuesday) while Kenna and Kaisyn were playing, Kaisyn started having random spells where she would just scream out in pain, and run to my holding her lower back. Mainly on her right side at first. This continued through the next morning, so of course we were headed back to the doctors office.
That day (Wednesday), the kids normal pediatrician wasn't in the office, so we saw another doctor. She wasn't concerned about the fever or the pain yet, because she said if Kaisyn had a UTI (which would be causing the pain in her back) she would be sicker, throwing up and crying when she pee'd. So she just said to keep watching her, and if she was still running a fever on Friday, to bring her back.
The next day, we were back in the office again, because Mikah wasn't eating and was feeling worse, and had developed a pretty mean wheeze.
This time, they sent us straight for chest x-rays, because the doctor thought he heard a crackly spot on Mikah's right lung. Turns out Mikah actually had multiple spots of pneumonia on BOTH lungs. So they started him on two different strong antibiotics, one for his bad ear infection and the other to knock out the pneumonia.
That Friday was an easier day. Mikah felt rough, and his antibiotics were making his little tummy really upset. But Kaisyn, for the first time all week, didn't spike a fever. So I thought we were turning a corner for the better!
The next day was when the fun REALLY began.
Kaisyn woke up that morning with a fever of around 101. Not too high, so we weren't too concerned yet. But by nap time, it was up to 103.5, so I knew something was wrong. She was having more of the spells where she would just hold her lower back and SCREAM, so I called the doctor again. It took FOREVER for them to call us back...
I had called them around 2 that aternoon, and we had a party to find out what a friend of our's baby is going to be that night at 6. My mom and dad came over to watch Kaisyn and Mikah since they weren't feeling well, and Dustin, Kenna, and I went to the party.
The nurse called me back while we were there, and made us an appointment to return to the office for both Kaisyn AND Mikah (who was still wheezing and was running fever again) the next morning (Sunday).
We got back to our house around 7:15, and I checked Kaisyn's fever. It was up to 104.7. We used 2 different thermometers to check it, and compared it to everyone else's in the house just to make sure that was right, and it was.
My other BIG concern with Kaisyn was that she wasn't eating or drinking...at ALL. And that girl usually has quite the appetite!
So I phoned the nurse again, and this time was put through to the urgent nurse since Kaisyn's fever was so high. They told me to put her into a lukewarm bath, give her popsicles, sponge her down, and take her to the ER if it went above 105. We did all of the above, and kept it under 105 the whole night.
Sunday morning at the doctors office, he said that he thought Mikah caught a virus on TOP of his pneumonia, and that was what was causing the fever and making him feel so crappy. So he wasn't too concerned since he was already on such strong antibiotics.
But he was a little concerned about Kaisyn and her not drinking, mixed with her random bouts of pain. So he ordered a urine sample be taken by cath, and bloodwork through a finger prick.
Both were done, and we were told her white blood count was fine, and her urine was clean, so just keep watching, and come back Tuesday if we were no better.
Home we went, again. And by 8 that evening, Kaisyn's fever was at 105.5, and Mikah's was at 104. So off to the ER we headed.
The nurse at the kids pediatric office told us to head to Presbyterian, so we did. While on the road to the hospital, I told my mom and Dustin that I really wanted to go to Levine's, but we figured that either way, the same things would be done, and the nurse wanted us to go to Presby, so we did. We went there with Khoen, too, and they dismissed his soft spot swelling as a virus, and said he would be fine. Two weeks later, well, you know what happened. That is a funeral I still wish I had never had to plan. :,(
Anyways, we were at Presby. Makenna was hospitalized there when she was an infant for RSV, and we had a great experience. So I guess it just depends on which doctors you see.
The doctor we saw in the ER was TERRIBLE. They took their temps in triage when we arrived, and of course we had just given them Motrin before we left the house, so their fevers were down. Which yes, that was a good thing, but I guess that made them look at us like we were retarded.
We were there for 5 hours before they called us back. When they did, the doctor literally listened to Kaisyn and Mikah's heart, and looked in Kaisyn's ears. And thats it. Her fever was BACK up as high as it had been when we headed that way, and they told us fevers, no matter how high, weren't dangerous. That the brain won't cook itself. Ok...that's fine, but I knows people who have children that have had seizures from fevers over 105. I was livid.
He told us to follow up with out pediatrician the next day, and released us. He offered Kaisyn some more Motrin before we left, and we asked them to give it to her, because she felt terrible. And we headed home, with me in tears.
The next morning, Kaisyn's fever was 105.1, so I called my mom to come over, and I took Kaisyn to Levine's. When we got there, her fever was 101.9, and she had Motrin in her. They were immediately running tests on her, and trying to get her to drink. (The other hospital completely ignored my comments about her not drinking at ALL that day, until she drank about 2 ounces of gatorade at the hospital.)
They did a chest x-ray, which was clear. They did blood work, which showed an elevated white blood cell count. They did a urine culture, which was clear of infection but showed she was dehydrated, and had white blood cells in her urine, which wasn't normal.
By this time, her fever was up to 104.9, and they had already given her Motrin. We couldn't get it to come down. She was miserable, barely opening her eyes and just whining at the slightest movement. They told us then that she would be admitted.
The doctors there were AMAZING. They even went a step further, and dissected her white blood cells to see what it was they were trying to fight. That's where things got weird. They described it to me like a pie chart. A normal person's white blood cells should always be fighting both bacteria and viruses at a certain level. When those levels are elevated, thats how they know what they are dealing with. The normal level for bacteria was like 45-50%, and hers was only at 51%, so they pretty much considered it normal. The normal level for viruses is like 30-35%, and hers was 33%, so very much in the norm.
But, her body had called in the immature white blood cells, which is what it usually does when it is fighting something bad and needs backup. Her immature white blood cell count in her body should have been at a 0, and it was at 4%. Not too high, but still cocncerning to the doctors.
She was admitted, put on IV fluids, and put on a strong antibiotic, because they weren't sure which other course to take at the time and decided to be on the safe side.
The night was pretty uneventful, Motrin kept her fever down, and she had 2 bad pain spells. And the next day, she was feeling somewhat better already, and ate some eggs for breakfast.
The doctors ordered another urine sample, and this one looked even worse. There were even more white blood cells. They ordered an ultrasound of her kidneys, and diagnosed her with a kidney infection. She had another round of IV antibiotics, and came home that evening. The ultrasound showed that the structure of her kidneys was all correct, so she could come home.
Since she's been home, she has been feeling MUCH better. The antibiotics have knocked out the fevers, and she is eating and drinking like before she was sick. I am a happy mommy!
I took Mikah back to the doctor that Wednesday, because he was still running fever. And again, I was told to bring him back in 2 days if he wasn't feeling better.
Today is Friday, and we went back to the doctor again with both Kaisyn and Mikah. Kaisyn for a hospital recheck, and Mikah for a recheck as well. Mikah sounds a lot better in his chest, so he is happy with his progress.
His MRI is scheduled for Monday, February 11. His doctor said if by Wednesday of next week his nose is still this stopped up, I need to call and have it pushed back a week. They don't want to sedate him until his chest is cleared up and his cold is pretty much gone.
And he is happy with how Kaisyn is doing. He said that he found it very unusual that Kaisyn had a kidney infection with all of her urine cultures coming back clean, so he had called to talk to the doctors at Levine's about it.
The doctors there told him that they wouldn't be shocked if it happens again soon. If it does, she will need to have more tests run to check the flow of her urine. She may have some urine being pushed into her kidneys when she pees, which would cause the kidney infections. So we just have to keep an eye out for spiking fevers or her crying out in pain and holding her back.
So for now we just wait and pray that is was just a fluke, and it won't happen again! If it does, we will figure it out and be by Kaisyn's side the whole way.
I am keeping Mikah secluded from people until after his MRI, haha! I don't want him to catch any new germs, so we can get this behind us! I am a nervous wreck about it and so ready for it to be done!
But I am praying that these germs are about to be done invading our house, and we can enjoy some healthy time as a family!
I pray all of you are doing well, and having a great week!
(((HUGS))) from the McGinnis'!!
Friday, February 1, 2013
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Update on Mikah: Neurologist, 1/16
What a day!!!!!
This morning was Mikah's 3 month followup appointment with his awesome neurologist, whom we love, and we thought that he was going to be releasing us from his care. Since the genetic test came back and revealed that there was no mutation of the gene that causes GA1, we figured we were in the clear. And, once again, I was reminded that I should never get too comfy in where we are right now.
I said that we love his neurologist, and I mean it. He is an amazing doctor, and you can tell that he cares a lot about his patients. He is thorough, and is more than happy and willing to answer all 5,000 questions that we always end up asking.
So, anyways, my sweet aunt drove Kaisyn, Mikah, and me out to Charlotte, to Presbyterian Pediatric Neurology. When we got there, they weighed my sweet boy...and guess how big this little chunker is getting?! He weighs 22 lbs 9.5 oz!! Granted, he was fully clothed, jacket and all, but still he has surpassed 20 pounds!! He is SUCH a big boy!
They measured his head again, and you guessed it...it's grown yet ANOTHER 3 cm in the past 3 months. Now remember, he was already off the chart in head size, so now he is literally over an inch above the 100% line. That was the doctors first red flag.
Then, we talked about Mikah's development. Yes, he was a preemie. And he is working on catching up, but he isn't quite there yet.
I don't know if I've mentioned it in here before, so I'll explain about Mikah's leg. Ever since Mikah started trying to crawl, he has favored his left leg over his right...a lot. At first, up until about 2 weeks ago, he didn't use his right leg at all. He just dragged it behind him, and when he would try to pull up, he would fall over. Now, he has learned that he can use that knee just to balance when he crawls. So, he will push with his left leg, drag his right knee to catch up, and balance on that knee for a second so he can push off with his left leg again.
He CAN pull up now, but if you watch him, he is using his left leg to do so. The right helps him balance once he is up, but he is still unsturdy. If you barely hold up his right foot so that he is only on his left leg, he will continue to stand. If you barely lift his left foot so that only his right leg is on the ground, he will let his leg go limp and fall down. This was red flag #2.
Last, we talked about Mikah's urine. Yes, I know...lovely subject, but it's worth explaining. Mikah has enzymes and toxins in his urine that just shouldn't be there. This is why they tested him positive for GA1 two different times before running the full genetic screen. Basically, Mikah has every sign of GA1 except the mutation of the gene, which is odd. And Dr. Jacobson wasn't exactly sure what that meant, being honest with us. He said that the high risk of SIDS shouldn't be a worry anymore, but that there is something metabolically wrong, causing these enzymes and toxins. This is the last red flag.
He looked Mikah over, and listened to both his chest, and his soft spot on his head. And he explained that he wanted to order an MRI, to get a closer picture of his brain, and that he also wants to get pictures of Mikah's spine.
He said that it's a possibility that Mikah could have a tethered spinal cord. He explained that basically he may have a small hole in his spinal cord, which causes fluid not to drain properly (causing the large and growing head), and causing some nerve damage to his lower extremeties (explaining why Mikah doesn't like to use his right leg).
Of course in my mind, I'm sitting there thinking...seriously? This happy little boy, who is always smiling for mommy, and as sweet as can be...you want to do MORE tests on him, because now it could be something completely different that is wrong. But, I remember to breathe and just keep listening.
Back up a minute. Now remember, back in April (I think?), both Mikah and Khoen were referred to OrthoCarolina, because the pediatrician heard a 'click' in Mikah's hip, which they said is common in preemies, especially born breech. The doctor there heard nothing in Khoen's hips and said they seemed fine, but DID hear a click in Mikah's hip, and had us set up an appointment for an ultrasound of his hip.
When we took Mikah for his ultrasound, they went ahead and did one on Khoen, too. Again, Khoen's were completely normal, but they saw a small place where the tissue in Mikah's were either underdeveloped or a little out of place. Once again, we were told this was normal for preemies, especially born breech (and Mikah was butt-first breech!), and that it should continue to develop as he grows and not cause any issues. And that day, they dismissed us from their care, since it was no longer necessary.
Ok, back to today...now IF and ONLY IF Mikah does have a tethered spinal cord, they will run some tests to check for Spina Bifida. The doctor does NOT think at this time that this is the issue, and we will only talk about it if the MRI shows signs.
Spina Bifida can cause hydrocephalus, and can cause weakness or paralysis in lower extremeties. It also causes problems with the bowels and bladder, but Mikah has no signs of that.
So as of now, that term isn't going to exist to me. We will cross that bridge if and when we have to!
The office is supposed to be calling me within the next few days to schedule Mikah's MRI. I have to admit, I get a little nervous thinking about it, only because he has to be sedated. But, he will NOT be intubated...there will be a team of nurses, and one will be monitoring his heart rate closely, while another monitors his breathing carefully. So, I'm confident. At the end of the day, it's in God's hands.
I know there are kids that, unfortunately, have to be sedated often, so that's not all that I'm worried about. I'm honestly worried about my mental health the moment they take Mikah back for his procedure.
The last time I was going through something like this, it was when Khoen was sick, and had to be in the hospital. And I remember them taking him away for his IV, and not bringing him back to me for an HOUR. His veins weren't cooperating, but how was I supposed to know that until the nurse came to update me?! In my mind, an IV should have been quick, and he should have been back, and I was scared. I just wanted him back in my arms. It almost seems ironic now...
But, when they take Mikah away to do his MRI, I know I am going to just have that fear of him not coming back. And yes, I know, it is irrational. But, after losing Khoen, the fear is very real to me, and it scares me more than anything.
I will get through this. I know Mikah will, I have no worries there. He is so strong, and he is brave. He will be just fine, and no matter what the outcome, I will get him through whatever life brings our way.
I have my faith, and that is what gets me through. I know that God has a plan, and, whatever it may be, we will follow. I just want Mikah here, with me, no matter what may or may not be wrong with him. I love that little boy more than words can ever describe.
So for now, we are just waiting for a phone call, and an appointment for an MRI to tell us where to go from here. Please keep praying for little man, and for all of us. Through it all, God is good, and he will lead the way!
This morning was Mikah's 3 month followup appointment with his awesome neurologist, whom we love, and we thought that he was going to be releasing us from his care. Since the genetic test came back and revealed that there was no mutation of the gene that causes GA1, we figured we were in the clear. And, once again, I was reminded that I should never get too comfy in where we are right now.
I said that we love his neurologist, and I mean it. He is an amazing doctor, and you can tell that he cares a lot about his patients. He is thorough, and is more than happy and willing to answer all 5,000 questions that we always end up asking.
So, anyways, my sweet aunt drove Kaisyn, Mikah, and me out to Charlotte, to Presbyterian Pediatric Neurology. When we got there, they weighed my sweet boy...and guess how big this little chunker is getting?! He weighs 22 lbs 9.5 oz!! Granted, he was fully clothed, jacket and all, but still he has surpassed 20 pounds!! He is SUCH a big boy!
They measured his head again, and you guessed it...it's grown yet ANOTHER 3 cm in the past 3 months. Now remember, he was already off the chart in head size, so now he is literally over an inch above the 100% line. That was the doctors first red flag.
Then, we talked about Mikah's development. Yes, he was a preemie. And he is working on catching up, but he isn't quite there yet.
I don't know if I've mentioned it in here before, so I'll explain about Mikah's leg. Ever since Mikah started trying to crawl, he has favored his left leg over his right...a lot. At first, up until about 2 weeks ago, he didn't use his right leg at all. He just dragged it behind him, and when he would try to pull up, he would fall over. Now, he has learned that he can use that knee just to balance when he crawls. So, he will push with his left leg, drag his right knee to catch up, and balance on that knee for a second so he can push off with his left leg again.
He CAN pull up now, but if you watch him, he is using his left leg to do so. The right helps him balance once he is up, but he is still unsturdy. If you barely hold up his right foot so that he is only on his left leg, he will continue to stand. If you barely lift his left foot so that only his right leg is on the ground, he will let his leg go limp and fall down. This was red flag #2.
Last, we talked about Mikah's urine. Yes, I know...lovely subject, but it's worth explaining. Mikah has enzymes and toxins in his urine that just shouldn't be there. This is why they tested him positive for GA1 two different times before running the full genetic screen. Basically, Mikah has every sign of GA1 except the mutation of the gene, which is odd. And Dr. Jacobson wasn't exactly sure what that meant, being honest with us. He said that the high risk of SIDS shouldn't be a worry anymore, but that there is something metabolically wrong, causing these enzymes and toxins. This is the last red flag.
He looked Mikah over, and listened to both his chest, and his soft spot on his head. And he explained that he wanted to order an MRI, to get a closer picture of his brain, and that he also wants to get pictures of Mikah's spine.
He said that it's a possibility that Mikah could have a tethered spinal cord. He explained that basically he may have a small hole in his spinal cord, which causes fluid not to drain properly (causing the large and growing head), and causing some nerve damage to his lower extremeties (explaining why Mikah doesn't like to use his right leg).
Of course in my mind, I'm sitting there thinking...seriously? This happy little boy, who is always smiling for mommy, and as sweet as can be...you want to do MORE tests on him, because now it could be something completely different that is wrong. But, I remember to breathe and just keep listening.
Back up a minute. Now remember, back in April (I think?), both Mikah and Khoen were referred to OrthoCarolina, because the pediatrician heard a 'click' in Mikah's hip, which they said is common in preemies, especially born breech. The doctor there heard nothing in Khoen's hips and said they seemed fine, but DID hear a click in Mikah's hip, and had us set up an appointment for an ultrasound of his hip.
When we took Mikah for his ultrasound, they went ahead and did one on Khoen, too. Again, Khoen's were completely normal, but they saw a small place where the tissue in Mikah's were either underdeveloped or a little out of place. Once again, we were told this was normal for preemies, especially born breech (and Mikah was butt-first breech!), and that it should continue to develop as he grows and not cause any issues. And that day, they dismissed us from their care, since it was no longer necessary.
Ok, back to today...now IF and ONLY IF Mikah does have a tethered spinal cord, they will run some tests to check for Spina Bifida. The doctor does NOT think at this time that this is the issue, and we will only talk about it if the MRI shows signs.
Spina Bifida can cause hydrocephalus, and can cause weakness or paralysis in lower extremeties. It also causes problems with the bowels and bladder, but Mikah has no signs of that.
So as of now, that term isn't going to exist to me. We will cross that bridge if and when we have to!
The office is supposed to be calling me within the next few days to schedule Mikah's MRI. I have to admit, I get a little nervous thinking about it, only because he has to be sedated. But, he will NOT be intubated...there will be a team of nurses, and one will be monitoring his heart rate closely, while another monitors his breathing carefully. So, I'm confident. At the end of the day, it's in God's hands.
I know there are kids that, unfortunately, have to be sedated often, so that's not all that I'm worried about. I'm honestly worried about my mental health the moment they take Mikah back for his procedure.
The last time I was going through something like this, it was when Khoen was sick, and had to be in the hospital. And I remember them taking him away for his IV, and not bringing him back to me for an HOUR. His veins weren't cooperating, but how was I supposed to know that until the nurse came to update me?! In my mind, an IV should have been quick, and he should have been back, and I was scared. I just wanted him back in my arms. It almost seems ironic now...
But, when they take Mikah away to do his MRI, I know I am going to just have that fear of him not coming back. And yes, I know, it is irrational. But, after losing Khoen, the fear is very real to me, and it scares me more than anything.
I will get through this. I know Mikah will, I have no worries there. He is so strong, and he is brave. He will be just fine, and no matter what the outcome, I will get him through whatever life brings our way.
I have my faith, and that is what gets me through. I know that God has a plan, and, whatever it may be, we will follow. I just want Mikah here, with me, no matter what may or may not be wrong with him. I love that little boy more than words can ever describe.
So for now, we are just waiting for a phone call, and an appointment for an MRI to tell us where to go from here. Please keep praying for little man, and for all of us. Through it all, God is good, and he will lead the way!
Monday, January 7, 2013
One more month!!!!
Today is January 7. Know what that means?
It means that in one short month, it will be a year from the day that I gave birth to my sweet twin boys.
In just one month, I will celebrate Mikah's earthly first birthday, and celebrate for Khoen, who will spend his first birthday in Heaven.
I feel so behind. I still have yet to plan. I started to make a list of what I was going to get as far as party supplies for Mikah the other day, but I honestly didn't get very far. So, I've pretty much decided that instead of stressing myself out over trying to plan a big party when, to be completely honest, I don't think I will be much in a party mood that day, I'm just going to have a little get together for family at my moms.
I am going to have a little ceremony for Khoen the night before (more than likely, but it may end up being the day of...not sure yet), that way I can try to get my tears under control and smile for sweet little Mikah at his celebration. Because it isn't going to be easy.
I don't want Mikah to relate his birthday to me being sad. I am always happy on the girls birthdays, and Mikah deserves the same. So for him, I will do it. I will not let him down, nor will I let Khoen down. I know Khoen wouldn't want me to be sad. He would want me to make the day extra special for Mikah. And I will, somehow.
It's creeping up on me faster than I'm comfortable with though...
I'm still trying to come up with what I want to do in honor of Khoen. I want to come up with an ongoing project, where I can help others and make Khoen's name known. As of now, I'm stil drawing a blank. But, I do think I want to do something to support siblings who are going through loss, or even siblings who have a sick brother or sister. I've seen first hand with Makenna how hard it is on them. And they need to know that they are special too. I'm not sure, but I won't stop thinking until I come up with it!
A little update on the kiddos:
Makenna is doing pretty good. She is still having night terrors like crazy, and some nights are worse than others. Last night, she ended up in my bed around 2 in the morning, and told me she didn't even want to go back to sleep because she was tired of waking up scared, and not knowing what scared her. That's not fun to hear. I feel bad because I don't know how to make them stop, but I am doing all I can. I'll help her through this. She's my little best friend.
Kaisyn is growing up so fast. She is talking a TON now, and even making little sentences! That's a big deal for our babygirl, because at her 18 month checkup speech therapy was mentioned. They said she should be saying between 20-40 words by then, and she was really only saying 'mama' and 'dada' and 'sissis'. But boy has she taken off!! Now she will repeat pretty much everything she hears, and can say all of her colors. I am a proud momma!! She is still stubborn, and it has to be "Kaisyn's way". That's a daily battle, but she's so precious. She is a blessing.
And Mikah, or "J" as we usually end up calling him around here. (Which is short for his middle name, James, after my grandad) That little boy is into EVERYTHING! We have had to completely re-babyproof our entire house, and he still finds a way into anything he isn't supposed to get in to! The girls were always so laid back and no trouble when it came to that...Mikah, he is a handful! He can walk along furniture, and can climb the stairs, which I HATE!! When we buy a house, it will NOT have stairs in it!!! Too much to worry about with little ones! But, Mikah is such a gift, and I wouldn't change him a bit.
I often find myself daydreaming about what it would be like if Khoen were here beside Mikah, getting into everything. I know it would be so busy and crazy, but I would absolutely love it.
I have the 4 best kids in the world. And I can't thank God enough.
Love you, Khoen, and miss you sweet baby. <3
It means that in one short month, it will be a year from the day that I gave birth to my sweet twin boys.
In just one month, I will celebrate Mikah's earthly first birthday, and celebrate for Khoen, who will spend his first birthday in Heaven.
I feel so behind. I still have yet to plan. I started to make a list of what I was going to get as far as party supplies for Mikah the other day, but I honestly didn't get very far. So, I've pretty much decided that instead of stressing myself out over trying to plan a big party when, to be completely honest, I don't think I will be much in a party mood that day, I'm just going to have a little get together for family at my moms.
I am going to have a little ceremony for Khoen the night before (more than likely, but it may end up being the day of...not sure yet), that way I can try to get my tears under control and smile for sweet little Mikah at his celebration. Because it isn't going to be easy.
I don't want Mikah to relate his birthday to me being sad. I am always happy on the girls birthdays, and Mikah deserves the same. So for him, I will do it. I will not let him down, nor will I let Khoen down. I know Khoen wouldn't want me to be sad. He would want me to make the day extra special for Mikah. And I will, somehow.
It's creeping up on me faster than I'm comfortable with though...
I'm still trying to come up with what I want to do in honor of Khoen. I want to come up with an ongoing project, where I can help others and make Khoen's name known. As of now, I'm stil drawing a blank. But, I do think I want to do something to support siblings who are going through loss, or even siblings who have a sick brother or sister. I've seen first hand with Makenna how hard it is on them. And they need to know that they are special too. I'm not sure, but I won't stop thinking until I come up with it!
A little update on the kiddos:
Makenna is doing pretty good. She is still having night terrors like crazy, and some nights are worse than others. Last night, she ended up in my bed around 2 in the morning, and told me she didn't even want to go back to sleep because she was tired of waking up scared, and not knowing what scared her. That's not fun to hear. I feel bad because I don't know how to make them stop, but I am doing all I can. I'll help her through this. She's my little best friend.
Kaisyn is growing up so fast. She is talking a TON now, and even making little sentences! That's a big deal for our babygirl, because at her 18 month checkup speech therapy was mentioned. They said she should be saying between 20-40 words by then, and she was really only saying 'mama' and 'dada' and 'sissis'. But boy has she taken off!! Now she will repeat pretty much everything she hears, and can say all of her colors. I am a proud momma!! She is still stubborn, and it has to be "Kaisyn's way". That's a daily battle, but she's so precious. She is a blessing.
And Mikah, or "J" as we usually end up calling him around here. (Which is short for his middle name, James, after my grandad) That little boy is into EVERYTHING! We have had to completely re-babyproof our entire house, and he still finds a way into anything he isn't supposed to get in to! The girls were always so laid back and no trouble when it came to that...Mikah, he is a handful! He can walk along furniture, and can climb the stairs, which I HATE!! When we buy a house, it will NOT have stairs in it!!! Too much to worry about with little ones! But, Mikah is such a gift, and I wouldn't change him a bit.
I often find myself daydreaming about what it would be like if Khoen were here beside Mikah, getting into everything. I know it would be so busy and crazy, but I would absolutely love it.
I have the 4 best kids in the world. And I can't thank God enough.
Love you, Khoen, and miss you sweet baby. <3
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Hannah...
Wow. I have so many thoughts running through my head right now, I'm not really even sure how to start organizing them so that my words make any sense. I'll try my best.
This weekend has been the luminary sevice at Evergreen Cemetary, where Khoen is. It's beautiful. And I'm touched by the fact that people have told me they have been through, and seen where my sweet Khoen and sweet little Chloe are. We rode through both nights, and its just so amazing.
Each grave has its own luminary, and they also write "In Loving Memory" in the lights. Tonight, I was able to stop the car, and walk out to Khoen's grave. But apparently him and Chloe decided to play a trick on me, because they knew I was coming. Their lights were the only two in their section that were burnt out. And I didn't have anything to light them with, so I couldn't take a picture of them lit.
It's ok though, I take it as a sign that they were right there with me, just being silly little kids. <3
Yesterday morning, I woke up not feeling well at all. Plus I had a pinched nerve in my neck/shoulder, and literally couldn't breathe without being in excrutiating pain. It was terrible. So we didn't do much, and I kept Kenna home from school. There was honestly no way I could drive her to school in the condition I was in.
Last night, after Dustin was off work, we went to help Hannah set up for her baby shower. We got it all ready for the shower today. I think it looked really good. :)
This morning, I got up early, and baked cupcakes for the shower. I was feeling a ton better than yesterday, other than my neck being a little sore. I managed to get all 3 kids fed, bathed, and dressed before Dustin got home from work. Then we headed out the door; the kids and I with Ashley, to go to Hannah's shower, and Dustin to Wesley's funeral.
Backing up a step: It's been a week full of loss, and it breaks my heart. One family, the Telsrow's, lost their 24 year old son Wesley, to cystic fibrosis. He was strong, and fought hard, through surgeries and transplants and hospital stays. And he got an infection that his body just couldn't fight through. Dustin had been friends with him for a long time, and was really upset.
We ran into Wesley at Lowe's, just two nights before Khoen passed away. We had all 4 kids with us, and he was one of the very few people who got to meet Khoen before he went to live with the Angels.
And another family, the Turners, lost a 30 year old husband, and father to 2 young precious girls. He was battling brain cancer, and his chemo caused problems with his lungs. He fought hard as well, and is missed so much by his family. It just really does break my heart.
:(
On a happier note, I think Hannah's shower went really well, and I hope she enjoyed it. She got lots of awesome things for her twins! Austyn and Bently are gonna be two spoiled little cuties!
We played so many fun games...I think the favorite was the candy match-up game. I'm glad I was able to be a part of it.
I've had quite a few people, both family members and friends, mention to me that they didn't see how I was able to be so close to Hannah and help with her shower and everything else, when she's having twins and I just lost one of mine. So I wanted to explain how I'm ok with things.
Khoen and Mikah are my twins. They will always be my twins, whether they are here on earth, or in Heaven. And I miss having my twins together here on earth more than anything. I miss my Khoen more than anything. And it isn't always easy.
But, I love Hannah. Hannah means more to me than she or anyone else will ever realize. Hannah didn't even know who I was, but she reached out to me when I lost Khoen. She reached out to me without ever hearing my name. That's what I call an amazing person.
Hannah's twins are Hannah's twins, and she deserves this. She has been through so, so much, and she deserves the world. Unfortunately, so much of her world is in Heaven with Khoen. Her son Raidyn, her uncle Ray, her brother Quinn, her Papaw, and thats just a few of them. Hannah has always wanted twins, just like I always wanted twins. And Austyn and Bently make Hannah smile. Seeing them on ultrasound, hearing their heartbeats, feeling them move, preparing for them, all of that makes Hannah happy. And that's exactly what I want for my friend, for her to be happy.
I remember being pregnant with my boys, and how excited I was about it all. I remember daydreaming about their firsts; especially about this Christmas. And no, things didn't turn out as I had dreamed. I would much rather have Khoen here at home with me tonight rather than visiting him at the cemetary. But, this is the life that God chose for Khoen, and this is the life that God chose for me.
Khoen was meant for bigger and better things. He brought me closer to God, and made me believe stronger than ever. He gave me hope that better things exist when this life is over, and something to look forward to when the Lord calls me home. He gave me purpose all over again, because now I want to live to make him proud, and raise his brother and sisters to know exactly who Khoen was, and why Khoen is special. And trust me, I'm going to do just that.
But just because my plans didn't turn out as I had prayed, doesn't give me the right to be any less excited for someone else who had twins. Thats just that ugly side of me, where my selfishness and jealousy live, and I don't like that side of me. Everyone has that side, and some choose to let it win and take over their lives, while others choose to be bigger than that. I want to be bigger than that. I'm not going to look not only at what I have lost, but also what I have gained.
Hannah and Ashley have a stronger bond with me really than anyone else, even though I've known them for a lot less time than most of my other friends. And I'm not saying that meanly towards anyone; I just mean that they know the pain that I feel, that sometimes takes over me, and they've unfortunately walked in those same shoes.
They've walked into a cemetary, and said their final goodbyes to their babies, which none of us should have ever had to do. Raidyn, Chloe, and Khoen were all just so perfect. They were Angels here on earth, and they are Angels daily for us in Heaven. Raidyn and Chloe made sure they found Khoen, and made sure their mommies found me. They knew how much I needed their mommies. And I'm forever grateful for that, sweet babies. I can't wait to meet each of you someday as well. <3
So yes, I am happy that Hannah has let me be a part of her pregnancy so far. Austyn and Bently mean so much to me, and I can't wait to hold each of them. That doesn't mean its never hard; I'm human, of course there are times when I feel a little overwhelmed.
Today, towards the end of watching Hannah open her gifts, something hit me in the pit of my stomach. We were on the last present, and I just remembered being excited about the things I had prepared for my boys. The little preemie clothes, the diapers, the little socks and shoes. I remembered how happy I was. And then I just missed Khoen.
When we were done, I snuck outside for a few minutes with Kaisyn. I just needed a little fresh air, and a second to clear those thoughts out of my head. I didn't in any way want to make Hannah feel sad on her special day. Today wasn't about me, nor my twins. It was about Hannah, and celebrating the lives of her 2 little miracles. I would never do anything to take away from that.
So I went outside and just looked at the sky for a few minutes. And I swear I saw a handprint in the clouds. I'm not making this up either, I swear. I saw this handprint, and it was huge. At first I thought aww, maybe it's Khoen, telling me not to be sad. And maybe it was. But then I thought, maybe it's God's....maybe its him reminding me that this is His plan, and it's all in His hands. It's ok for me to be sad sometimes, and its ok for me not to cry at other times. And I was reminded of that.
Whether is was God's hand, or Khoen's hand, or just a completely random coincidence, it made me feel better. It made me smile again, because I'm happy I got the time I did have with Khoen. I'm glad that I did have twins, even if I didn't get to live it out as long as I dreamed. I'm glad that I can call such a sweet, beautiful, perfect little angel my son.
Hannah, I love you. You don't know how much I appreciate you letting me be a part of your pregnancy with your twins. You don't know how often I pray for you, that things go right and you are able to feel the happiness you so much deserve again. You don't know how much you mean to me, and how much I value you as a friend.
If I ever cry around you because I miss my twins, please don't feel guilty. Ever. You have no reason to. It will never mean I am any less happy for you, your family, and your twins. I'm telling you now, on their firsts, I'm gonna cry. I'm gonna cry when I get to help you celebrate their first birthday, I promise. Because it will be such an amazing milestone for you, and for them, and we will all be able to breathe a little easier, because we have all been through so much. But I am so proud of you as a mother, and as a person, and I'm so lucky to have you as a friend. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for reaching out to me when I needed it the most. Thank you for understanding when I can't find my smile. Thank you for staying by my side through the tears. And thank you for just being yourself, and letting me be a part of your life. You are strong, beautiful, and amazing, and I couldn't do this without you.
And sorry for picking on you in this blog ;) but I just had this on my heart, and needed to get it out in the open. If my tears ever bring you guilt, I will never be able to forgive myself, because that will never be my intention. So I want you to know that now, up front, in case it ever happens in the future. I love you, and your twins, and yes, I miss mine. But I'm still a mommy of twins too, and I'm gonna be by your side as long as you will let me stay here!! :)
It's time for me to get my kids in bed, and I'm probably gonna cry a little, then go to sleep too. But this time, I think I'll cry because I'm so happy to have the amazing friends that I do have. Through it all, I'm so blessed. My kids, my husband, my family, my friends. God knows what he is doing, and we are all going to be ok.
Khoen, you will always be right here with me, and I am still working on doing something big just for you, in your name buddy. I love you forever and always, and I can't wait to see you!! Big hugs and big kisses from mommy just to you. <3
This weekend has been the luminary sevice at Evergreen Cemetary, where Khoen is. It's beautiful. And I'm touched by the fact that people have told me they have been through, and seen where my sweet Khoen and sweet little Chloe are. We rode through both nights, and its just so amazing.
Each grave has its own luminary, and they also write "In Loving Memory" in the lights. Tonight, I was able to stop the car, and walk out to Khoen's grave. But apparently him and Chloe decided to play a trick on me, because they knew I was coming. Their lights were the only two in their section that were burnt out. And I didn't have anything to light them with, so I couldn't take a picture of them lit.
It's ok though, I take it as a sign that they were right there with me, just being silly little kids. <3
Yesterday morning, I woke up not feeling well at all. Plus I had a pinched nerve in my neck/shoulder, and literally couldn't breathe without being in excrutiating pain. It was terrible. So we didn't do much, and I kept Kenna home from school. There was honestly no way I could drive her to school in the condition I was in.
Last night, after Dustin was off work, we went to help Hannah set up for her baby shower. We got it all ready for the shower today. I think it looked really good. :)
This morning, I got up early, and baked cupcakes for the shower. I was feeling a ton better than yesterday, other than my neck being a little sore. I managed to get all 3 kids fed, bathed, and dressed before Dustin got home from work. Then we headed out the door; the kids and I with Ashley, to go to Hannah's shower, and Dustin to Wesley's funeral.
Backing up a step: It's been a week full of loss, and it breaks my heart. One family, the Telsrow's, lost their 24 year old son Wesley, to cystic fibrosis. He was strong, and fought hard, through surgeries and transplants and hospital stays. And he got an infection that his body just couldn't fight through. Dustin had been friends with him for a long time, and was really upset.
We ran into Wesley at Lowe's, just two nights before Khoen passed away. We had all 4 kids with us, and he was one of the very few people who got to meet Khoen before he went to live with the Angels.
And another family, the Turners, lost a 30 year old husband, and father to 2 young precious girls. He was battling brain cancer, and his chemo caused problems with his lungs. He fought hard as well, and is missed so much by his family. It just really does break my heart.
:(
On a happier note, I think Hannah's shower went really well, and I hope she enjoyed it. She got lots of awesome things for her twins! Austyn and Bently are gonna be two spoiled little cuties!
We played so many fun games...I think the favorite was the candy match-up game. I'm glad I was able to be a part of it.
I've had quite a few people, both family members and friends, mention to me that they didn't see how I was able to be so close to Hannah and help with her shower and everything else, when she's having twins and I just lost one of mine. So I wanted to explain how I'm ok with things.
Khoen and Mikah are my twins. They will always be my twins, whether they are here on earth, or in Heaven. And I miss having my twins together here on earth more than anything. I miss my Khoen more than anything. And it isn't always easy.
But, I love Hannah. Hannah means more to me than she or anyone else will ever realize. Hannah didn't even know who I was, but she reached out to me when I lost Khoen. She reached out to me without ever hearing my name. That's what I call an amazing person.
Hannah's twins are Hannah's twins, and she deserves this. She has been through so, so much, and she deserves the world. Unfortunately, so much of her world is in Heaven with Khoen. Her son Raidyn, her uncle Ray, her brother Quinn, her Papaw, and thats just a few of them. Hannah has always wanted twins, just like I always wanted twins. And Austyn and Bently make Hannah smile. Seeing them on ultrasound, hearing their heartbeats, feeling them move, preparing for them, all of that makes Hannah happy. And that's exactly what I want for my friend, for her to be happy.
I remember being pregnant with my boys, and how excited I was about it all. I remember daydreaming about their firsts; especially about this Christmas. And no, things didn't turn out as I had dreamed. I would much rather have Khoen here at home with me tonight rather than visiting him at the cemetary. But, this is the life that God chose for Khoen, and this is the life that God chose for me.
Khoen was meant for bigger and better things. He brought me closer to God, and made me believe stronger than ever. He gave me hope that better things exist when this life is over, and something to look forward to when the Lord calls me home. He gave me purpose all over again, because now I want to live to make him proud, and raise his brother and sisters to know exactly who Khoen was, and why Khoen is special. And trust me, I'm going to do just that.
But just because my plans didn't turn out as I had prayed, doesn't give me the right to be any less excited for someone else who had twins. Thats just that ugly side of me, where my selfishness and jealousy live, and I don't like that side of me. Everyone has that side, and some choose to let it win and take over their lives, while others choose to be bigger than that. I want to be bigger than that. I'm not going to look not only at what I have lost, but also what I have gained.
Hannah and Ashley have a stronger bond with me really than anyone else, even though I've known them for a lot less time than most of my other friends. And I'm not saying that meanly towards anyone; I just mean that they know the pain that I feel, that sometimes takes over me, and they've unfortunately walked in those same shoes.
They've walked into a cemetary, and said their final goodbyes to their babies, which none of us should have ever had to do. Raidyn, Chloe, and Khoen were all just so perfect. They were Angels here on earth, and they are Angels daily for us in Heaven. Raidyn and Chloe made sure they found Khoen, and made sure their mommies found me. They knew how much I needed their mommies. And I'm forever grateful for that, sweet babies. I can't wait to meet each of you someday as well. <3
So yes, I am happy that Hannah has let me be a part of her pregnancy so far. Austyn and Bently mean so much to me, and I can't wait to hold each of them. That doesn't mean its never hard; I'm human, of course there are times when I feel a little overwhelmed.
Today, towards the end of watching Hannah open her gifts, something hit me in the pit of my stomach. We were on the last present, and I just remembered being excited about the things I had prepared for my boys. The little preemie clothes, the diapers, the little socks and shoes. I remembered how happy I was. And then I just missed Khoen.
When we were done, I snuck outside for a few minutes with Kaisyn. I just needed a little fresh air, and a second to clear those thoughts out of my head. I didn't in any way want to make Hannah feel sad on her special day. Today wasn't about me, nor my twins. It was about Hannah, and celebrating the lives of her 2 little miracles. I would never do anything to take away from that.
So I went outside and just looked at the sky for a few minutes. And I swear I saw a handprint in the clouds. I'm not making this up either, I swear. I saw this handprint, and it was huge. At first I thought aww, maybe it's Khoen, telling me not to be sad. And maybe it was. But then I thought, maybe it's God's....maybe its him reminding me that this is His plan, and it's all in His hands. It's ok for me to be sad sometimes, and its ok for me not to cry at other times. And I was reminded of that.
Whether is was God's hand, or Khoen's hand, or just a completely random coincidence, it made me feel better. It made me smile again, because I'm happy I got the time I did have with Khoen. I'm glad that I did have twins, even if I didn't get to live it out as long as I dreamed. I'm glad that I can call such a sweet, beautiful, perfect little angel my son.
Hannah, I love you. You don't know how much I appreciate you letting me be a part of your pregnancy with your twins. You don't know how often I pray for you, that things go right and you are able to feel the happiness you so much deserve again. You don't know how much you mean to me, and how much I value you as a friend.
If I ever cry around you because I miss my twins, please don't feel guilty. Ever. You have no reason to. It will never mean I am any less happy for you, your family, and your twins. I'm telling you now, on their firsts, I'm gonna cry. I'm gonna cry when I get to help you celebrate their first birthday, I promise. Because it will be such an amazing milestone for you, and for them, and we will all be able to breathe a little easier, because we have all been through so much. But I am so proud of you as a mother, and as a person, and I'm so lucky to have you as a friend. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for reaching out to me when I needed it the most. Thank you for understanding when I can't find my smile. Thank you for staying by my side through the tears. And thank you for just being yourself, and letting me be a part of your life. You are strong, beautiful, and amazing, and I couldn't do this without you.
And sorry for picking on you in this blog ;) but I just had this on my heart, and needed to get it out in the open. If my tears ever bring you guilt, I will never be able to forgive myself, because that will never be my intention. So I want you to know that now, up front, in case it ever happens in the future. I love you, and your twins, and yes, I miss mine. But I'm still a mommy of twins too, and I'm gonna be by your side as long as you will let me stay here!! :)
It's time for me to get my kids in bed, and I'm probably gonna cry a little, then go to sleep too. But this time, I think I'll cry because I'm so happy to have the amazing friends that I do have. Through it all, I'm so blessed. My kids, my husband, my family, my friends. God knows what he is doing, and we are all going to be ok.
Khoen, you will always be right here with me, and I am still working on doing something big just for you, in your name buddy. I love you forever and always, and I can't wait to see you!! Big hugs and big kisses from mommy just to you. <3
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Broken.
I'm so broken. Broken down mentally, physically, & emotionally. I feel like I'm going crazy. Only because I try so hard to keep smiling and stay strong and it gets tiring.
I'm so excited to have this yard sale/bake sale, and honor Khoen in doing so. But tonight I feel so mad that I even need to have it.. I shouldn't be raising money for Khoens funeral. I should be buying his first Christmas presents. I should be helping him learn to stand up. I should have him here, in my arms, rocking him.
I tried to rock Khoen bear tonight. It helped at first, then made the tears come more forcefully. It doesn't help that I sm sad tonight that we had to give ip Brody, our dog. I miss him too. And due to some unfortunate health conditions, I lost my one reliable babysitter tonight too. I'm praying things get better for her, I know it tears my mom up seeing her this way. But it's hard, because we have lots of doctors appointments in this house, haha.
I feel so sick tonight too. Not like I'm actually sick, just sick to my stomach because I'm hurting. Its like one emotion brings up another reminder, and it's a whirlwind downhill.
I think what scares me too is that I can't remember how Khoens cry sounded. I promised I would never forget, it was so unique and I used to be able to hear it clearly. Now I can't hear it at all. What if that means I'm forgetting the few memorlies I have?
I know will never forget Khoen, but what if I get to where I can't see his face without a picture? It's only been 5, almost 6, months, and I can't hear his cry. I'm so scared of that. And it's killing me.
I've been calling every week to see if his autopsy report is in yet, so we can get his death certificate and close our case with DSS. They have to be involved until then since he died in the home. So far, they keep telling me it's not. But I'm scared of the day when they say it is. I want a birth certificate, without deceased stamped on it...not a death certificate.
I tried sitting downstairs, so my crying wouldn't keep Dustin and Mikah up, since they are both asleep in our room. But I kept staring at that spot. Khoens spot. Where he laid when he took his last breath. Where he was when Dustin did CPR. Where he was when the paramedics tried to shock his tiny heart. But he was gone.
I love, yet hate that spot. And I had to come back upstairs, because staring at it wasn't helping. God I just wish Khoen was here.
Makenna asked me the other day if wishes came true. I told her sometimes yes, but not always. She said she didn't believe me. When I asked why she said she wishes every night for Khoen, but he can't come back. I think she just knows how much missing him hurts me, and it makes her hurt worse too.
I want to be excited for Christmas. I want to be excited for Saturday. I want to be excited for it all. But tonight, I'm just broken and sad. And it may be tomorrow before these tears stop.
Mommy loves you Khoen, and I miss you so much. ♡
Excuse typos, I'm on a phone.
Friday, November 16, 2012
Princess Makenna...
What a week it's been!
Makenna was sick and had to miss two days of school, as well as her dance class. Kaisyn is sick, and also had her 18 month shots, one of which swole up and turned red, and made her cry if she even had to use that arm for anything. Mikah has had a cold, but he's actually been pretty good, so I can't complain there!
But, that wasn't even what made the week so rough. Kids with snotty noses I can deal with...there are parents who have to deal with much, much worse on a daily basis, and keep smiling through it. So I'm thankful for the health of my little ones, and I'm not sweating over that.
What has made this week so "interesting" has been other things. I've been trying to do our Christmas shopping a little at a time, so that I'm not too overwhelmed financially all at one time. We can't go all out anyways, but we don't want Santa to be a complete disappointment! ;)
While I was just walking through the store the other night, I tried to start looking for what I was going to get for Mikah. Kenna and Kaisyn were easy to think of ideas for. They both have their toys they love, and we were blessed to have a sweet friend help us out a TON with Makenna's present, as well as part of Kaisyn's. But we didn't really have much for Mikah, except one little toy.
I thought shopping for Mikah would be fun, like a new kind of adventure. I've never had to go out looking for little boy toys before! I've always been surrounded by pink and babydolls and princesses. So I guess I thought it'd be a fun challenge to find boy things.
I never thought it through until I was in the store. And it only hit me because I would see little toys that had different "versions", if thats even what you call them. Like, two of the same toys in different styles or colors. And, of course, it put me back into I-miss-my-twins mode. I've been doing a lot better recently, and turning as much of my sadness as possible into just being thankful for Khoen, and that I'm his mommy. But boy do I wish I was buying presents for him, rather than trying to pay off his funeral.
I've been given lots of good ideas about ways to commemorate Khoen during the holiday season, and I'm excited to try some of them out, and see how they help our family cope. But, honestly, it doesn't really make shopping for Mikah any easier.
My mind can't help but wonder what Khoen would be interested in, and what would excite him at this age. Mikah is terrified of things that make loud noises, or toys that sing and dance. But would Khoen like them, like Kaisyn did? And Mikah loves things that make funny noises, and light up. Would Khoen, too? What would he play with, and would he be sitting up and playing just like Mikah? Or would be already be pulling up on things, since he was always a little ahead of Mikah developmentally?
Those questions just hurt so much. I know I shouldn't think that way, but it's impossible not to. I can be told, and tell myself, a million times that Khoen is happy, and had a great life, because all he knew was comfort and love. But I can't not miss him, and I can't not wonder. Mikah is his twin. T-W-I-N.
Gah, I actually have twins? Sometimes it still feels like just a dream, an amazing dream. A dream that actually came true, but then I woke up, and it was only just that....a dream. Make sense?
Probably not, but not many things that go through my mind do these days. I don't know. I just remember being so excited about this Christmas when the twins were born. We had just lost Grandmom and Grandad, and Dustin and I would talk about how the holidays without them were going to be so hard. But then we would laugh, and remind ourselves how busy we would be, and how much fun the kids would be by then.
We knew that Makenna and Kaisyn would be closer, just as they are. And we knew the twins would be into everything, and be so excited to see the lights and all of the fun Christmas things. Mikah is just that....into everything, and excited by everything. I'm sure Khoen is too. I just wish he was here to see it with me.
I'm really worried about Makenna, and it breaks my heart. She is such a sweet little girl. And she is so, so confused.
My mom had to feed the kids dinner the other night so that I could pick Dustin up. Makenna told her that she wished God and Jesus would just go away. When my mom asked her why she would want that, she explained that Jesus is holding Khoen, and if God had never taken Khoen into heaven, then mommy would be holding Khoen instead, and he would still be here. And that she would still have her brother.
Ouch.
I thought that telling her how much Jesus loves all of us, and loves Khoen, and how he has Khoen in his arms, all safe and happy in Heaven, was helping her. But, I guess it's just too much for her little mind to process.
To her, it seems like God "took" Khoen, and grandmom and grandad. And she thinks of him as the person who takes away people she loves, and pretty much holds them hostage in this place called Heaven, which she doesn't fully comprehend yet. She will tell you all day that she loves Jesus, and she says her prayers every night. She prays for people who are sick, and she thanks God for her blessings. But, she doesn't understand death.
Most 4 year olds don't have to understand death. Most, if they are even faced with it at all, only have to understand losing one person at a time, for long periods of time. She lost 3 people who were close to her, and whom she loved dearly, in just 4 short months. We all did. And it's hard enough for me to understand and deal with, but I trust God, and I understand Heaven fully. How can I expect that of a 4 year old?
This morning, I was sad. Yesterday I found that some things were taken from me by someone I let into my home, someone I trusted. And it hurt. And, on top of missing Khoen, and dealing with Makenna's feelings, I was overwhelmed. Dustin got Makenna ready for school, and I was about to fix her hair. She sat on my lap, and just held onto my arms after I was finished.
She looked me straight in the eye, still holding my arms, and told me that when I start to go to Heaven, she is going to hold onto me as hard as she can, so she can go with me, because she never wants to live without me.
Such a sweet, sweet girl. Not to mention a floodgate-opener for tears! If only things were that easy, that simple. We could just hold onto our loved ones so tight, and either they would stay with us, or we would just simply go together to Heaven.
Makenna's teacher also told me this afternoon that yet another invisible friend, who is also a dead person, was playing with Makenna today on the playground at school. These kids play with her often, and that's part of the reason we put her into counseling. Her way of coping with the events that have happened in the past few months is by coming up with imaginary friends who are either dead, or have a brother or sister who has passed away. Most of the time, she says they are in Heaven. Today, she said "Ariel" was dead, then she was alive again. And that she didn't go to Heaven, that she was still here, even when she wasn't alive anymore.
My poor child is so, so confused, and it is so hard to watch as a parent. I took her with me to the mall after school, for some last minute picture items, and the mixture of her emotions, along with being tired from school, forced her into a COMPLETE meltdown. One like I've never seen before. Only once has she ever had a meltdown even close to that, and poor Ashley has had to witness each of them, haha!
While we were in Belk's, out of literally nowhere, she went from being so happy and excited over a cute dress she saw, to SCREAMING crying (I mean sobs, tears rolling down her face, the works....) and yelling that she misses Khoen. I was able to talk her down a little, and get her calm, and once she saw Ashley walk up, she recovered.
She was back to skipping around happy, smiling, being sweet little Kenna. We went into Children's Place, and she saw a cupcake hat she wanted. I told her if she was good, she may could get it. Usually, that is a perfectly acceptable answer to her.
Today, she wasn't having it. MELTDOWN. To where I had to pick her up, kicking and screaming, and carry her out of the mall. She screamed so loud and so much that she almost got sick in the car. If you know my Makenna, you know that is NOT her. She just doesn't do that.
I had her lay down in her bed when we got home, and talked to her about what happened. She was calm again by then, and told me how she knew she didn't act like a "big girl." She said she wanted to rest for a while. And when she got up, she wanted to call Ashley and tell her she was sorry for how she acted, too. Back to my little sweetheart.
I'm praying that we are able to figure out how her little mind is processing everything, and that I have the knowledge, strength, and patience to get help her through it. I want her to get back to her smiley place, where smiles are all she knows. She's too precious to be sad.
Tonight, I'm drained. We have our Christmas pictures in the morning, and I'm so excited about them. I'm praying the kids are all happy and cooperate for us! :)
Please keep sweet Makenna in your prayers. Just pray for comfort for her, and peace and understanding. Life has been unfair to us this year, but it is all in God's plan. And we will make it through!
Makenna was sick and had to miss two days of school, as well as her dance class. Kaisyn is sick, and also had her 18 month shots, one of which swole up and turned red, and made her cry if she even had to use that arm for anything. Mikah has had a cold, but he's actually been pretty good, so I can't complain there!
But, that wasn't even what made the week so rough. Kids with snotty noses I can deal with...there are parents who have to deal with much, much worse on a daily basis, and keep smiling through it. So I'm thankful for the health of my little ones, and I'm not sweating over that.
What has made this week so "interesting" has been other things. I've been trying to do our Christmas shopping a little at a time, so that I'm not too overwhelmed financially all at one time. We can't go all out anyways, but we don't want Santa to be a complete disappointment! ;)
While I was just walking through the store the other night, I tried to start looking for what I was going to get for Mikah. Kenna and Kaisyn were easy to think of ideas for. They both have their toys they love, and we were blessed to have a sweet friend help us out a TON with Makenna's present, as well as part of Kaisyn's. But we didn't really have much for Mikah, except one little toy.
I thought shopping for Mikah would be fun, like a new kind of adventure. I've never had to go out looking for little boy toys before! I've always been surrounded by pink and babydolls and princesses. So I guess I thought it'd be a fun challenge to find boy things.
I never thought it through until I was in the store. And it only hit me because I would see little toys that had different "versions", if thats even what you call them. Like, two of the same toys in different styles or colors. And, of course, it put me back into I-miss-my-twins mode. I've been doing a lot better recently, and turning as much of my sadness as possible into just being thankful for Khoen, and that I'm his mommy. But boy do I wish I was buying presents for him, rather than trying to pay off his funeral.
I've been given lots of good ideas about ways to commemorate Khoen during the holiday season, and I'm excited to try some of them out, and see how they help our family cope. But, honestly, it doesn't really make shopping for Mikah any easier.
My mind can't help but wonder what Khoen would be interested in, and what would excite him at this age. Mikah is terrified of things that make loud noises, or toys that sing and dance. But would Khoen like them, like Kaisyn did? And Mikah loves things that make funny noises, and light up. Would Khoen, too? What would he play with, and would he be sitting up and playing just like Mikah? Or would be already be pulling up on things, since he was always a little ahead of Mikah developmentally?
Those questions just hurt so much. I know I shouldn't think that way, but it's impossible not to. I can be told, and tell myself, a million times that Khoen is happy, and had a great life, because all he knew was comfort and love. But I can't not miss him, and I can't not wonder. Mikah is his twin. T-W-I-N.
Gah, I actually have twins? Sometimes it still feels like just a dream, an amazing dream. A dream that actually came true, but then I woke up, and it was only just that....a dream. Make sense?
Probably not, but not many things that go through my mind do these days. I don't know. I just remember being so excited about this Christmas when the twins were born. We had just lost Grandmom and Grandad, and Dustin and I would talk about how the holidays without them were going to be so hard. But then we would laugh, and remind ourselves how busy we would be, and how much fun the kids would be by then.
We knew that Makenna and Kaisyn would be closer, just as they are. And we knew the twins would be into everything, and be so excited to see the lights and all of the fun Christmas things. Mikah is just that....into everything, and excited by everything. I'm sure Khoen is too. I just wish he was here to see it with me.
I'm really worried about Makenna, and it breaks my heart. She is such a sweet little girl. And she is so, so confused.
My mom had to feed the kids dinner the other night so that I could pick Dustin up. Makenna told her that she wished God and Jesus would just go away. When my mom asked her why she would want that, she explained that Jesus is holding Khoen, and if God had never taken Khoen into heaven, then mommy would be holding Khoen instead, and he would still be here. And that she would still have her brother.
Ouch.
I thought that telling her how much Jesus loves all of us, and loves Khoen, and how he has Khoen in his arms, all safe and happy in Heaven, was helping her. But, I guess it's just too much for her little mind to process.
To her, it seems like God "took" Khoen, and grandmom and grandad. And she thinks of him as the person who takes away people she loves, and pretty much holds them hostage in this place called Heaven, which she doesn't fully comprehend yet. She will tell you all day that she loves Jesus, and she says her prayers every night. She prays for people who are sick, and she thanks God for her blessings. But, she doesn't understand death.
Most 4 year olds don't have to understand death. Most, if they are even faced with it at all, only have to understand losing one person at a time, for long periods of time. She lost 3 people who were close to her, and whom she loved dearly, in just 4 short months. We all did. And it's hard enough for me to understand and deal with, but I trust God, and I understand Heaven fully. How can I expect that of a 4 year old?
This morning, I was sad. Yesterday I found that some things were taken from me by someone I let into my home, someone I trusted. And it hurt. And, on top of missing Khoen, and dealing with Makenna's feelings, I was overwhelmed. Dustin got Makenna ready for school, and I was about to fix her hair. She sat on my lap, and just held onto my arms after I was finished.
She looked me straight in the eye, still holding my arms, and told me that when I start to go to Heaven, she is going to hold onto me as hard as she can, so she can go with me, because she never wants to live without me.
Such a sweet, sweet girl. Not to mention a floodgate-opener for tears! If only things were that easy, that simple. We could just hold onto our loved ones so tight, and either they would stay with us, or we would just simply go together to Heaven.
Makenna's teacher also told me this afternoon that yet another invisible friend, who is also a dead person, was playing with Makenna today on the playground at school. These kids play with her often, and that's part of the reason we put her into counseling. Her way of coping with the events that have happened in the past few months is by coming up with imaginary friends who are either dead, or have a brother or sister who has passed away. Most of the time, she says they are in Heaven. Today, she said "Ariel" was dead, then she was alive again. And that she didn't go to Heaven, that she was still here, even when she wasn't alive anymore.
My poor child is so, so confused, and it is so hard to watch as a parent. I took her with me to the mall after school, for some last minute picture items, and the mixture of her emotions, along with being tired from school, forced her into a COMPLETE meltdown. One like I've never seen before. Only once has she ever had a meltdown even close to that, and poor Ashley has had to witness each of them, haha!
While we were in Belk's, out of literally nowhere, she went from being so happy and excited over a cute dress she saw, to SCREAMING crying (I mean sobs, tears rolling down her face, the works....) and yelling that she misses Khoen. I was able to talk her down a little, and get her calm, and once she saw Ashley walk up, she recovered.
She was back to skipping around happy, smiling, being sweet little Kenna. We went into Children's Place, and she saw a cupcake hat she wanted. I told her if she was good, she may could get it. Usually, that is a perfectly acceptable answer to her.
Today, she wasn't having it. MELTDOWN. To where I had to pick her up, kicking and screaming, and carry her out of the mall. She screamed so loud and so much that she almost got sick in the car. If you know my Makenna, you know that is NOT her. She just doesn't do that.
I had her lay down in her bed when we got home, and talked to her about what happened. She was calm again by then, and told me how she knew she didn't act like a "big girl." She said she wanted to rest for a while. And when she got up, she wanted to call Ashley and tell her she was sorry for how she acted, too. Back to my little sweetheart.
I'm praying that we are able to figure out how her little mind is processing everything, and that I have the knowledge, strength, and patience to get help her through it. I want her to get back to her smiley place, where smiles are all she knows. She's too precious to be sad.
Tonight, I'm drained. We have our Christmas pictures in the morning, and I'm so excited about them. I'm praying the kids are all happy and cooperate for us! :)
Please keep sweet Makenna in your prayers. Just pray for comfort for her, and peace and understanding. Life has been unfair to us this year, but it is all in God's plan. And we will make it through!
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Thankfulness, followed by updates!
Each morning when I wake up, I'm always curious as to how strong I'm going to be that day, and whether it's going to be a day of smiles, or tears. I never really know.
On the days full of smiles and laughter, I still miss Khoen just as much.
On the days full of tears and sobbing, I am still just as thankful for the life that I have been given, and the things in my life that bring my smiles.
These things don't change just because some days are better than others, and just because some days I feel stronger. I don't think it's that I'm actually stronger, it's just that I can deal with my emotions in a better way.
I've been really trying to work on that lately.
Every time that I start to feel overwhelmed by how much my heart just breaks for my son, I turn around and thank God for making me his mother. I tell God how thankful I am for Khoen, and I tell Khoen how proud I am of him.
This doesn't make the pain any less, but it does always make me smile, somehow.
Khoen is SUCH a blessing. He is such an amazing little boy. And in ways, I am super jealous of that little cutie, because he has seen so many amazing things that I can only dream of. They are just too good to comprehend here on Earth.
I guess my point is that this month, I'm trying to turn my pain into thankfulness. I am so incredibly thankful for Khoen. I'm so thankful for ALL of my children. And sometimes, in the crazy, busy, hecticness that is everyday life, I think many of us forget to actually thank God for our children.
In reality, they are HIS children, just as you and I are. But he blesses us with the opportunity to raise them. And whether our children come to us through regular conception, adoption, fostering, surrogacy, HOWEVER they come to us, they are a gift, directly from Him. And that also goes for whether or not they are here with us on Earth, or in His arms in Heaven. They are still His gift to us, and we should be thankful each and every day.
Without my kids, my life would be so boring. I honestly don't think I would even know what to do. Sure, breaks are nice, when we get them. But I wouldn't give up a day with them for anything.
The silly things they do; the endless smiles and giggles they share with me; the way they listen so intently when I tell them stories, or sing to them; every little thing they do, I can't be thankful enough to express how much I love them, and how much they mean to me. They complete me. And in all this, I fully include Khoen.
Khoen still makes me smile everyday. Whether it be by me seeing his sweet little picture (which is still the background on my phone, so I see in consistently!), or sending a butterfly my way, or by sending comfort and peace when I need it most; Khoen is still with me. He lives right here in my heart, and that will never, ever change.
Sometimes it gets hard for me, because I start to hear those selfish human instincts in my head, and I hate them. We all have them, and all of ours vary. But whether its jealousy, or envy, or anger, whatever it is...I don't like any of them. But, we're human. It happens to the best of us. And I have to pray that God will just take those feelings away, and help me to open my eyes and my heart, and see that we are all different. And I have to accept that, and find ways around it, and ways to deal with it. Otherwise, I may as well just surrender, check myself into the 7th floor, and cut myself off from people in general.
In other words, sometimes it gets to me that people take the word "family" so lightly. It seems like to some people, it's just a lost cause. No matter how hard other people try to do whats right, and make things better, its to no use. But, that's when I have to realize that just because my whole perspective on the word "family" changed when I lost Khoen, doesn't mean everyone else in the world's did.
(And no, I'm not necessarily speaking of my family in general. This blog is just where I express my emotions. It's my "happy place", anywhere that I can just write my heart out. :) )
Family is so important to me. I want my children to have that same importance instilled in their little minds. No one is ever gauranteed another day; another chance to say something that needs to be said, or to express to someone how they feel.
So, why not be there for your family, everyday, and just be full of love towards them? No matter how many friends come and go from your life, you're family doesn't change. Sure, new people are added, and the more, the merrier. And, people do go home to Heaven at times, but that doesn't mean they are gone, either.
I feel like I haven't told my family enough how much I love them, and how much they honestly mean to me. So I'm yelling it right now:
Whether you are my husband, children, mother, father, sister, brother, grandmother, grandfather, aunt, uncle, cousin, neice, nephew, extended family, anyone....I LOVE YOU, AND YOU ARE MORE IMPORTANT TO ME THAN YOU MAY REALIZE!
Dustin and I took the kids to visit my grandma and grandpa tonight, and it was such a good time. They are truly amazing people, and we are so blessed to be a part of their family.
While we were there, we were also blessed to get to see my aunt and uncle, Alisa and Greg, and my sweet cousin, Leah. And it was great to just get to sit and talk and laugh, and watch the kids play and have a ball.
And while I was there, I was just reminded of my childhood, and how amazing it was. I can remember Christmastime when we were little, and being so excited to just get to see everyone. I remember putting on silly shows with my sister, and just enjoying the carefreeness of being a kid.
I miss those days, but I'm so blessed to get to watch my children experience them now. I know I will get to watch plenty of little shows as my little ones grow and learn, and I can't wait! I'll never be too busy to be a good audience, and I can promise I'll always ask for an encore!
Life gets in the way sometimes, and I don't get to see and spend time with the people in my family as much as I'd like to. But I hope they all know that they are special to me, and I am here anytime they need me. God blessed me when he put me into the family He chose for me.
Changing subjects, but I also wanted to give anyone who's interested an update on the kiddos!
Makenna is doing AWESOME, as always. She's too happy not to be! I had her parent/teacher conference Thursday, and she got a perfect progress report. I'm so proud of that girl!
At home, she has had some issues with listening, and sometimes her emotions get the best of her. We don't hold it against her; she has a lot of feelings inside dealing with the losses we've experienced this year, and she isn't fully capable of controlling them yet. Her "imaginary friends" has been a big one; and for those who don't know, all of her "friends" have a baby brother or sister in Heaven, just like her. This has been her main way of coping with the loss of Khoen.
She still cries at completely random times, and just asks for him back, too. I found an awesome counselor, who is helping her understand these feelings, and helping her find ways to get through them with her little 4 year old mind. Sometimes Makenna acts SO grown up; but in reality, shes just a baby, too. And that baby has dealt with a LOT this year, and handled it like a pro. I couldn't ask for a better daughter. Talk about being BLESSED!
Anyways, at school that isn't an issue, and she behaves VERY well. So, she's learning a lot, and making her momma extremely proud. Go, Makenna, go! :)
Kaisyn is more full of herself than ever. She is reallllly starting to test just how far she can push mommy and daddy before we put her in that bad place....you know, time out, haha.
She has just now started to have to sit in time out occasionally, when she does the "big no-nos", like hit brother or sister on purpose, or throw her well-known "Kaisyn tantrums". And she actually does surprisingly well with it; she will stay in time out, cry a little of course, and come to us apologetically afterwards.
And, it's helped her to realize that no, means no. And if you don't listen, you aren't going to like time out. So it's best to just stop when we say to!
Kaisyn is smart, and knows how to use her wit against us. She can talk, and can mimic literally almost anything we say. But, will she talk around other people? I don't think so. Almost not at all. And she will give you this sly little smirk, because she knows she's just pushing that frustration button, haha! You have to love her though; she's just a mess!
She goes for her 18 month checkup on Tuesday, and has to get shots. So pray for mommy, and daddy, too, since he took a half day off to help me out! It literally takes two people holding her down to let the doctor so much as look at her, because she does NOT like new, strange people. So I really needed the daddy assistance! Prayers for patience, please, and for a strong, sweet, little-big girl! :)
AND MIKAH!!!!!
Sweet, cute, silly little Mikah-man! He's just doing awesome. He can scoot, and boy, can he get wherever he wants to go, and quick! He can get into almost anything before you can catch him, and he is a sneaky little guy. And he has learned that if his sissy's have a toy he wants and he turns really mad and screams at them, they will usually give it to him in pure fear that they've somehow done something wrong! It's pretty hilarious, but we've had to actually tell the girls NOT to give in to him a few times...I don't want him to think he rules this house!
But, he is cute, so he gets away with it a lot. And Kenna and Kais just ADORE him. Kaisyn is always patting his little back now, and kissing his head. And of course Kenna loves "babysitting" him, because shes such a little momma. (Don't worry, this just means playing with him while mommy changes Kaisyn, or is getting his bottle. She doesn't actually have to be in charge of him.) :)
As we told everyone before, his test for GA1 was negative, thank God! The day that he saw his geneticist, we thought we would just be released from her care. But she did see 3 little brown spots on him that concerned her, because they are a sign of yet another genetic disorder that goes along with his head growing too quickly. But, until he gets 3 more spots, no more tests will be done.
She said that he may never develop more, and even if he does, it may be nothing to worry about. So, we are just 100% enjoying Mikah, and not giving it a second thought!
If you met him, you wouldn't be able to imagine a thing in the world being wrong with him; he's just too cute, happy, and healthy-looking. He's a perfect little blessing, and I'm glad I'm his momma! :)
So that's our life right now. We are looking forward to all the upcoming holidays, and enjoying each day that we are given. We continue to pray for all of our friends, and strangers too, who are going through battles in their lives. And we are just thanking God that he made us a family!
Well wishes to all from the McGinnis family! :)
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