Broken.

I'm so broken. Broken down mentally, physically, & emotionally. I feel like I'm going crazy. Only because I try so hard to keep smiling and stay strong and it gets tiring. I'm so excited to have this yard sale/bake sale, and honor Khoen in doing so. But tonight I feel so mad that I even need to have it.. I shouldn't be raising money for Khoens funeral. I should be buying his first Christmas presents. I should be helping him learn to stand up. I should have him here, in my arms, rocking him. I tried to rock Khoen bear tonight. It helped at first, then made the tears come more forcefully. It doesn't help that I sm sad tonight that we had to give ip Brody, our dog. I miss him too. And due to some unfortunate health conditions, I lost my one reliable babysitter tonight too. I'm praying things get better for her, I know it tears my mom up seeing her this way. But it's hard, because we have lots of doctors appointments in this house, haha. I feel so sick tonight too. Not like I'm actually sick, just sick to my stomach because I'm hurting. Its like one emotion brings up another reminder, and it's a whirlwind downhill. I think what scares me too is that I can't remember how Khoens cry sounded. I promised I would never forget, it was so unique and I used to be able to hear it clearly. Now I can't hear it at all. What if that means I'm forgetting the few memorlies I have? I know will never forget Khoen, but what if I get to where I can't see his face without a picture? It's only been 5, almost 6, months, and I can't hear his cry. I'm so scared of that. And it's killing me. I've been calling every week to see if his autopsy report is in yet, so we can get his death certificate and close our case with DSS. They have to be involved until then since he died in the home. So far, they keep telling me it's not. But I'm scared of the day when they say it is. I want a birth certificate, without deceased stamped on it...not a death certificate. I tried sitting downstairs, so my crying wouldn't keep Dustin and Mikah up, since they are both asleep in our room. But I kept staring at that spot. Khoens spot. Where he laid when he took his last breath. Where he was when Dustin did CPR. Where he was when the paramedics tried to shock his tiny heart. But he was gone. I love, yet hate that spot. And I had to come back upstairs, because staring at it wasn't helping. God I just wish Khoen was here. Makenna asked me the other day if wishes came true. I told her sometimes yes, but not always. She said she didn't believe me. When I asked why she said she wishes every night for Khoen, but he can't come back. I think she just knows how much missing him hurts me, and it makes her hurt worse too. I want to be excited for Christmas. I want to be excited for Saturday. I want to be excited for it all. But tonight, I'm just broken and sad. And it may be tomorrow before these tears stop. Mommy loves you Khoen, and I miss you so much. ♡ Excuse typos, I'm on a phone.