Thankfulness, followed by updates!

Each morning when I wake up, I'm always curious as to how strong I'm going to be that day, and whether it's going to be a day of smiles, or tears. I never really know. On the days full of smiles and laughter, I still miss Khoen just as much. On the days full of tears and sobbing, I am still just as thankful for the life that I have been given, and the things in my life that bring my smiles. These things don't change just because some days are better than others, and just because some days I feel stronger. I don't think it's that I'm actually stronger, it's just that I can deal with my emotions in a better way. I've been really trying to work on that lately. Every time that I start to feel overwhelmed by how much my heart just breaks for my son, I turn around and thank God for making me his mother. I tell God how thankful I am for Khoen, and I tell Khoen how proud I am of him. This doesn't make the pain any less, but it does always make me smile, somehow. Khoen is SUCH a blessing. He is such an amazing little boy. And in ways, I am super jealous of that little cutie, because he has seen so many amazing things that I can only dream of. They are just too good to comprehend here on Earth. I guess my point is that this month, I'm trying to turn my pain into thankfulness. I am so incredibly thankful for Khoen. I'm so thankful for ALL of my children. And sometimes, in the crazy, busy, hecticness that is everyday life, I think many of us forget to actually thank God for our children. In reality, they are HIS children, just as you and I are. But he blesses us with the opportunity to raise them. And whether our children come to us through regular conception, adoption, fostering, surrogacy, HOWEVER they come to us, they are a gift, directly from Him. And that also goes for whether or not they are here with us on Earth, or in His arms in Heaven. They are still His gift to us, and we should be thankful each and every day. Without my kids, my life would be so boring. I honestly don't think I would even know what to do. Sure, breaks are nice, when we get them. But I wouldn't give up a day with them for anything. The silly things they do; the endless smiles and giggles they share with me; the way they listen so intently when I tell them stories, or sing to them; every little thing they do, I can't be thankful enough to express how much I love them, and how much they mean to me. They complete me. And in all this, I fully include Khoen. Khoen still makes me smile everyday. Whether it be by me seeing his sweet little picture (which is still the background on my phone, so I see in consistently!), or sending a butterfly my way, or by sending comfort and peace when I need it most; Khoen is still with me. He lives right here in my heart, and that will never, ever change. Sometimes it gets hard for me, because I start to hear those selfish human instincts in my head, and I hate them. We all have them, and all of ours vary. But whether its jealousy, or envy, or anger, whatever it is...I don't like any of them. But, we're human. It happens to the best of us. And I have to pray that God will just take those feelings away, and help me to open my eyes and my heart, and see that we are all different. And I have to accept that, and find ways around it, and ways to deal with it. Otherwise, I may as well just surrender, check myself into the 7th floor, and cut myself off from people in general. In other words, sometimes it gets to me that people take the word "family" so lightly. It seems like to some people, it's just a lost cause. No matter how hard other people try to do whats right, and make things better, its to no use. But, that's when I have to realize that just because my whole perspective on the word "family" changed when I lost Khoen, doesn't mean everyone else in the world's did. (And no, I'm not necessarily speaking of my family in general. This blog is just where I express my emotions. It's my "happy place", anywhere that I can just write my heart out. :) ) Family is so important to me. I want my children to have that same importance instilled in their little minds. No one is ever gauranteed another day; another chance to say something that needs to be said, or to express to someone how they feel. So, why not be there for your family, everyday, and just be full of love towards them? No matter how many friends come and go from your life, you're family doesn't change. Sure, new people are added, and the more, the merrier. And, people do go home to Heaven at times, but that doesn't mean they are gone, either. I feel like I haven't told my family enough how much I love them, and how much they honestly mean to me. So I'm yelling it right now: Whether you are my husband, children, mother, father, sister, brother, grandmother, grandfather, aunt, uncle, cousin, neice, nephew, extended family, anyone....I LOVE YOU, AND YOU ARE MORE IMPORTANT TO ME THAN YOU MAY REALIZE! Dustin and I took the kids to visit my grandma and grandpa tonight, and it was such a good time. They are truly amazing people, and we are so blessed to be a part of their family. While we were there, we were also blessed to get to see my aunt and uncle, Alisa and Greg, and my sweet cousin, Leah. And it was great to just get to sit and talk and laugh, and watch the kids play and have a ball. And while I was there, I was just reminded of my childhood, and how amazing it was. I can remember Christmastime when we were little, and being so excited to just get to see everyone. I remember putting on silly shows with my sister, and just enjoying the carefreeness of being a kid. I miss those days, but I'm so blessed to get to watch my children experience them now. I know I will get to watch plenty of little shows as my little ones grow and learn, and I can't wait! I'll never be too busy to be a good audience, and I can promise I'll always ask for an encore! Life gets in the way sometimes, and I don't get to see and spend time with the people in my family as much as I'd like to. But I hope they all know that they are special to me, and I am here anytime they need me. God blessed me when he put me into the family He chose for me. Changing subjects, but I also wanted to give anyone who's interested an update on the kiddos! Makenna is doing AWESOME, as always. She's too happy not to be! I had her parent/teacher conference Thursday, and she got a perfect progress report. I'm so proud of that girl! At home, she has had some issues with listening, and sometimes her emotions get the best of her. We don't hold it against her; she has a lot of feelings inside dealing with the losses we've experienced this year, and she isn't fully capable of controlling them yet. Her "imaginary friends" has been a big one; and for those who don't know, all of her "friends" have a baby brother or sister in Heaven, just like her. This has been her main way of coping with the loss of Khoen. She still cries at completely random times, and just asks for him back, too. I found an awesome counselor, who is helping her understand these feelings, and helping her find ways to get through them with her little 4 year old mind. Sometimes Makenna acts SO grown up; but in reality, shes just a baby, too. And that baby has dealt with a LOT this year, and handled it like a pro. I couldn't ask for a better daughter. Talk about being BLESSED! Anyways, at school that isn't an issue, and she behaves VERY well. So, she's learning a lot, and making her momma extremely proud. Go, Makenna, go! :) Kaisyn is more full of herself than ever. She is reallllly starting to test just how far she can push mommy and daddy before we put her in that bad place....you know, time out, haha. She has just now started to have to sit in time out occasionally, when she does the "big no-nos", like hit brother or sister on purpose, or throw her well-known "Kaisyn tantrums". And she actually does surprisingly well with it; she will stay in time out, cry a little of course, and come to us apologetically afterwards. And, it's helped her to realize that no, means no. And if you don't listen, you aren't going to like time out. So it's best to just stop when we say to! Kaisyn is smart, and knows how to use her wit against us. She can talk, and can mimic literally almost anything we say. But, will she talk around other people? I don't think so. Almost not at all. And she will give you this sly little smirk, because she knows she's just pushing that frustration button, haha! You have to love her though; she's just a mess! She goes for her 18 month checkup on Tuesday, and has to get shots. So pray for mommy, and daddy, too, since he took a half day off to help me out! It literally takes two people holding her down to let the doctor so much as look at her, because she does NOT like new, strange people. So I really needed the daddy assistance! Prayers for patience, please, and for a strong, sweet, little-big girl! :) AND MIKAH!!!!! Sweet, cute, silly little Mikah-man! He's just doing awesome. He can scoot, and boy, can he get wherever he wants to go, and quick! He can get into almost anything before you can catch him, and he is a sneaky little guy. And he has learned that if his sissy's have a toy he wants and he turns really mad and screams at them, they will usually give it to him in pure fear that they've somehow done something wrong! It's pretty hilarious, but we've had to actually tell the girls NOT to give in to him a few times...I don't want him to think he rules this house! But, he is cute, so he gets away with it a lot. And Kenna and Kais just ADORE him. Kaisyn is always patting his little back now, and kissing his head. And of course Kenna loves "babysitting" him, because shes such a little momma. (Don't worry, this just means playing with him while mommy changes Kaisyn, or is getting his bottle. She doesn't actually have to be in charge of him.) :) As we told everyone before, his test for GA1 was negative, thank God! The day that he saw his geneticist, we thought we would just be released from her care. But she did see 3 little brown spots on him that concerned her, because they are a sign of yet another genetic disorder that goes along with his head growing too quickly. But, until he gets 3 more spots, no more tests will be done. She said that he may never develop more, and even if he does, it may be nothing to worry about. So, we are just 100% enjoying Mikah, and not giving it a second thought! If you met him, you wouldn't be able to imagine a thing in the world being wrong with him; he's just too cute, happy, and healthy-looking. He's a perfect little blessing, and I'm glad I'm his momma! :) So that's our life right now. We are looking forward to all the upcoming holidays, and enjoying each day that we are given. We continue to pray for all of our friends, and strangers too, who are going through battles in their lives. And we are just thanking God that he made us a family! Well wishes to all from the McGinnis family! :)