If tears could build a stairway....

I can't sleep anymore. Every time I close my eyes, all I see is Khoen. I see him in my arms the last trip we took to my grandmas house, looking up at me while I held him. He had his little wubbanub pacifier in his mouth, and was in his little blue shirt. So perfect. So alive. I see him laying on my bed, after his bath, while I got him dressed in his pj's. Just smiling at me. So happy. So sweet. So Khoen. I see him asleep on my shoulder in the recliner downstairs. So peaceful. I miss him so much, and it hurts so much. I saw a twins 1st Christmas ornament in a store today, and it broke my heart. This year would have been my twins first Christmas. I don't get that. I am thankful to get to enjoy Mikahs first Christmas, and I know it may seem selfish to some people to say I don't get my twins first Christmas. But if you haven't walked in my shoes, and felt the pain of losing a child, don't judge me. I keep replaying the day we viewed him at McLeans in my head, too. It doesn't seem real. He was cold. Covered in makeup. And so, so still. Peaceful, yes. But not my Khoen. That memory hurts so badly, and makes me cry even more. When will this pain ever lighten? When will I stop crying instead of sleeping at night? When will I stop feeling sick every time I lay down? I'm also so paranoid about Mikah right now. I just keep listening to him in his crib beside me, just breathing. And it keeps making me wonder how a baby can just stop breathing, and there be no answer as to why? Why did Khoen just stop? Why does SIDS happen? Why does it even exist? I know no one can answer it. Only God. I don't want answers. Right now, I just want to rock my baby. I just want to kiss him. I just want a day when my heart doesn't hurt so deeply. This may be too much for me to write, but I am writing it anyways. If it bothers people, I'm truly sorry. But it hurts my heart right now, and I need to get it out. I painted Khoen a pumpkin for Halloween, and was going to put Mikahs handprints on it for his brother. But I couldn't do it. When the twins were born, they didnt have their footprints done, because they were taken straight to NICU. So I didn't have that from Khoen and Mikah, like I did my girls. And I'm all about handprint art, and just having those memories. When I found out Khoen had passed away, and was on the way home from Charleston, I was told he was taken to the medical examiners office, and would then be taken to McLeans. They asked if I had any special requests. Mine was just that I wanted my sons handprints and footprints, so I would always remember. I got his footprints from the amazing people at McLeans, but they couldn't do his handprints. His hands were too stiff, and were already curved, ready for him to be buried. Do you know how much that hurts as a mother? To hear that the little hand that I held only 3 days before that, was too stiff to do a handprint? To know that I will never have a handprint of Khoens? It kills me. Do a million paint handprints with your kids, every year. You will never regret those memories. I will always regret that I don't have them. In less than 4 hours, Mikah, Makenna, and Kaisyn will all be up, needing me. And I will be here for them. But I can't sleep. I can't stop crying. I NEED to hold Khoen. And it hurts so much that I can't. I'm thankful for Heaven, and to know I will again someday. I am trying whole-heartedly to give this to God, and to know He knows best. He knows what He is doing, and what his plan is, for both Khoen and I. And as much as I wish His plan had been for Khoen to be in my arms right now, I know His will is being done. Sometimes its just too painful to try and understand. Tonight, I am awake, crying for my son. Everyone is asleep around me, and all I see is Khoen. Big sweet eyes. Perfect round head. Tiny little nose. Just a little brown hair. Big sweet smile. Absolute perfection, and I miss it. I hope he knows how much I love and miss him. I wish I could tell him, just this once. Mommy loves you so much, and I'm so sorry. You deserve the best, and I know God is doing just that for you. You are perfect, and I will never forget a single thing about you. I love you, and as much as it may make me cry, I will never stop picturing you when I close my eyes. Sweet dreams, sweet angel. I love you always. <#