Today, my boys are 8 months old. And once again, today is hitting me harder than October 2nd did. The 2nd meant that my little Khoen has been an angel for 4 months.
On September 27, Khoen had been gone for exactly as many days as he was alive. How unfair is that?
There are still days when I can think of him and just smile, and be happy, and have peace in knowing that my love for Khoen is so strong, he just has to be able to feel it in Heaven. And there are other days when its hard for me to even look at pictures of other peoples little twins, or other multiples, dressed alike and just so cute, and not feel like my heart has a knife stuck in it.
I can't believe that today is 8 months since I gave birth to those two sweet boys. As traumatic as their entrance into the world was, I would do it again in a heartbeat today if it meant I had another chance with Khoen. Another chance to hold him, and love on him, and just tell him how perfect he is, and that I love him so much.
Mikah has started to really try and sit up alone this week. He still falls over often, but he can balance for a few minutes, and it's a huge step for him. He has been so behind in development for his age, but on track for his gestational age. Technically, they consider him 6 months old today.
I can't help but wonder is Khoen would be sitting by now, too. Dustin and I talked about that yesterday, and both agreed that we think he would have. Kho started reaching for toys before Mikah did, and was more interactive in general than Mikah was. He smiled first, could follow you around the room with his eyes earlier, everything. So we think he would be sitting easily and playing by now.
The thought of him and Mikah sitting together, playing side by side with little toys, just makes me sick to my stomach. I'm not really sure why sickness is the way that I react, but I guess its mainly just because my heart hurts so badly over it, that it does make me physically sick.
Although neither of my girls had a twin, or a playmate while they were that young, I often feel like I am depriving Mikah somehow, because he is supposed to have that bond, and that constant friendship that he had in Khoen.
He was smiling in his sleep last night, and I just watched, wondering if he was dreaming about Kho. I like to think he was. Besides, he spent more time with him than any of us were able to, and he knew him best of all. I know he misses his brother, and sometimes its scary to me wondering if he can feel that emotion. I know, he's a baby....but that was his other half.
Mikah also had his first tooth officially break through this week! My baby has a tooth!!!!! And once again, I had to wonder if Khoen would have a tooth by now, too...or maybe more than one, you never know. I'll never know. That just stinks. :(
I'm not really sure if it's just the whole "it gets harder before it gets easier" thing, or if it's always just going to hurt this badly every time I think about Khoen. But lately, it's been so much worse on me.
Yes, it's still 4 months away, but the boys birthday terrifies me now. And I should be so excited about it, and I feel bad for not being. But it's going to hurt so badly throwing a party for just one baby here on earth.
I'm going to plan something to honor Khoen too, and hope that people will come celebrate his birthday with us, too. I'll say it again, because there are no other words; its just not fair. :(
With all of this genetic stuff going on with Mikah, and him having been sick the past few weeks, I've been an emotional and nervous wreck. Seriously. I'm terrified of losing Mikah, and my girs. Things that in the past wouldn't have made me think twice, scare the crap out of me.
Just like today. I woke up feeling really sick, and with a bad stomach ache. I didn't sleep well last night, because too much was on my mind. Actually, not really too much, just Khoen...and that sometimes is too much for me to handle and try to sleep. Plus, as I said, its their 8 month birthday, and Khoen has been gone longer than he was in my arms, and its all so overwhelming. So I'm not sure if its exhaustion and emotions making me sick, or if it's this bug thats been going around like crazy.
No one else feels sick right now, but the stomach bug is the one major thing that they do NOT want Mikah to catch. Throwing up is what could be so fatal for him, and thats so scary. Like I said, in the past, I wouldn't have been worried about it. We may get a bug, then we would get better and keep moving. But knowing that it could be harmful or fatal to Mikah to get a stomach bug just amplifies all of my nervousness by a million.
I can't wait to get back the official genetic results...about 2 more weeks!!! I am praying HARD that it is NOT GA1, and we can all just relax and enjoy Mikah for the happy, perfect little boy he is.
Him going back and forth to the doctor and hospital while he was sick was tearing Makenna up. She would make me promise her every time that he was going to come back home, and not going to Heaven yet. It's not fair for my 4 year old to have such a fear of death at such a young age. Most kids her age don't even know what it is yet. And she has been hit by the death of 3 people she loves so much in just the past 8 months. Grandad, Grandmom, Khoen.
I think she likes having her angels, because she will tell us they are watching over her. But it has affected her so much. I am looking into some counseling for her, to see if it helps any.
Anyone who knows Makenna, knows she has a huge imagination. She has a few little imaginary friends that are with her everyday. Especially Anna, who goes to school with her, and her little classmates have even accepted. There's Anna, Jackson, Bella, and Bella-Screen.....dont ask me, I have no clue how she came up with these names. But those are her friends, or some days her children.
Her teacher even told me that one day last week, her and a little boy named Ryan in her class were playing, and Ryan told Mrs. Barbara that Jackson bit him. She was confused because there is no Jackson in her class. Turns out, he was also playing with Kenna's imaginary Jackson, who apparently got mad and bit him. Oh kids and their little minds!!
I am ok with Makenna having her little imaginary playmates, because they make her feel a sense of security, and she needs that. But, she tells us that the reason they are her friends is because they all have a brother or sister who has gone to Heaven. Thats why she likes to play with them, because they know how she feels.
That's hard on me as a mother, because I just want my kids world to be perfect, and full of life, love, and happiness. And her world was turned upside down this year, and I'm still trying to figure out how to turn it back.
Kaisyn doesn't seem quite as affected, but she's so young. If you ask her where brother is, she goes straight to Mikah and says her version of 'there he is.' But if you ask her where other brother is, she will either say 'i dont know', or 'byebye', and wave. She isn't quite big enough to grasp Heaven. But she does get so excited when we go to the cemetary. She will run straight to where Khoen is, and say "Hiiiiii!" so excitedly. She will blow him kisses, and touch his little picture that's out there, and knows where he is buried every time. We never have to show her.
So I know she understands a little.
I heard today that a little girl who I had been a part of her prayer circle, though she lives many miles away, lost her battle with cancer today. She just turned 4 years old in September. It broke my heart again, because I know how much pain her family is going through, and because it just ISN'T FAIR. I know that I didn't lose Khoen to cancer, but I feel like I want to do something to avocate more for childhood cancer, because too many kids are affected by this, and it has to stop. Just like SIDS. This has to stop.
Mom's and dad's, I've said it before and I'm saying it again. Please cherish every little moment you have with your children. I don't care if they have a terrible attitude, are so cranky it's driving you up the wall, whatever. We are all human, we all get frustrated. But remember that they are a gift, and a blessing. And each day you have with them is a blessing. And every time that you are just wishing so badly you could have a day to yourself and someone could just take your child off your hands for a bit, there is a mother and father out there longing so badly to hold their little one again. You are never promised tomorrow, and as unfair as it is, our kids aren't promised tomorrow either. That's the cold reality.
Today, Mikah is 8 months old. And today, my heart is broken over Khoen yet again. Happy 8 month birthday in Heaven, sweet boy. Mommy loves you so, so much. I miss you more than you know.
Can't wait to see you again, my little angel. <3
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