Struggling.

I've been really struggling lately. And I feel like I've had to "fake" my feelings a lot more often then I would have liked to. It's weird....I feel like even the stupidest little things seems to completely overwhelm me, and I'm not sure why, or how to fix it.

I guess I feel like I'm stuck in this "funk", and I'm not sure how to get myself out of it. So many things are different; so many things have changed. I don't know if I should feel happy or sad or what. And I am fully aware that this pretty much makes no sense. Bear with me.

I think it all started at the beginning of 2012. Knowing that my grandmother wasn't in the best of health, but was hanging in there. Knowing that I was about to become a mother to twins, and a mother to 4 children under 4 years old. Knowing that a new year was beginning, and I didn't know what to expect of it. Although honestly, I expected a lot more happy times, and lot less tears.

Is it true that death always comes in three's? Or does this just prove true for my situation. I'm not really sure. But when my grandad had his heart attack at the end of January, I honestly didn't think I would lose him.

Sometimes it bothers me that I didn't get to spend more time with him before he passed away. After his heart attack, while he was on life support and fighting with everything to stay here with us, I only actually went to see him once. It terrified me, seeing him that way. He was so strong; he was always so healthy. I don't even remember seeing him sick once in my life before that. I'm sure he was, he just always hid it so well. He was a warrior. He took care of my grandmom with a passion that made me admire him so much. He never complained, and he never wanted to quit. He loved her truly, and he would have done anything for her. I know it was hard for him to leave her; I know it was scary for him to let go.

Seeing him in a hospital bed, on a ventilator, unconscious....it hurt. And I wasn't prepared to see him like that. I don't regret visiting him; I just don't like to remember him like that. So I spent most of my time at the hospital with my grandmom, until I went into preterm labor.

That was really hard on me, too. Remember, I was there when grandad passed away. I heard the "code blue" called throughout the hospital. I heard them call for help when his heart stopped beating. But I couldn't do anything about it.

When I was released from the hospital that Monday, from my preterm labor, the first thing I did was went down a floor to visit grandmom. By this time, she knew that Grandad was gone, and she wasn't taking it too well. How could she? She had been married to him for more than 50 years, and didn't even get to see him for the 2 weeks prior to his death, when he was fighting for his life. She didn't get to tell him goodbye. My heart hurt for her.

Then, the twins were born. Such a blessing, and made me so happy. For the time, it overcame my sorrow, and all I could feel was love, and joy, and pride when I looked at those two sweet little faces.

I remember going back down to grandmom's room the day after my c-section, in my wheelchair, and showing her pictures of the boys. She was SO proud. She just beamed. From that day on, every moment I spent with grandmom was full of her asking questions about the boys, and wanting to know every little detail about them.

She wanted to see them so badly, but wasn't in good enough health to be wheeled to the NICU to see them. And, of course, with them being in NICU, they couldn't be brought up to see her.

When Mikah was released, she begged and begged us to bring him to see her. By this time, she had been moved to the infectious disease section of the hospital, and was being treated for something that they weren't quite sure what it was. So obviously I couldn't take little Mikah into somewhere where he could get sick, with him being so little still, and so fragile. He wasn't even 6 pounds yet.

Khoen was released on March 12, and once again, grandmom just begged us to bring both the boys. She wanted to see them so badly. She wanted to hold them, and love them, and tell them how much she loved them, and how blessed she felt to have them as her great grandsons.

I never got to take them to meet her. She passed away on March 19, 2012. It broke my heart. I felt so guilty for not letting them meet her. I blamed myself, and I felt terrible.

But, I focused on my children, all 4 of them, and I made it through, for them. We all went to the memorial service held together for grandmom and grandad. Even the boys. It was right before easter, and they wore their little easter outfits...the outfits that they had their pictures made in; the picture on Khoen's obituary.

As the days went by, things got easier. I knew that grandmom and grandad were together in heaven, and were looking down on us with smiles. I knew that they had seen the twins after all, and they were just happy being together, and pain free.

My life became a gigantic, hectic, happy schedule. I would write down every feeding, and diaper, and took pictures and videos galore. I was overjoyed. I absolutely loved life with my little ones. Of course it was crazy, and there were no dull moments whatsoever. I figured out how to get the girls started eating, feed both babies by putting them in one bouncer together and holding the two bottles with one hand while feeding myself with the other, and having me and the babies done eating in time to wipe the girls clean and get them from the table. Insane, but perfect. I loved it.

And sidenote, yes...things are still hectic with 3 kids around here, but it just isn't the same. It seems so dull. I don't like it.

Then, the infamous Charleston trip. The worst day of my life. Khoen went to be with Jesus. He went to be with grandmom and grandad, and to a place of happiness and peace.

And here I was; broken, crushed, sick. Even though I've had some good days since then, I don't think those feelings have really started to fade.

And maybe since June 2, I've still just been in shock. There's no other word to describe it. As reality sets in more and more, and I'm watching Mikah grow and thrive and seeing that Khoen isn't beside him, it has me in this depressed mood that I can't shake.

Lately, I just want to cry over EVERYTHING, and feel like a complete drama queen. Plus, I feel like I don't want to do much, because everything somehow makes me think of Khoen. And it just makes my heart hurt more.

Will I ever get out of this? Will this ever get easier?

I can't see it. But I know that it's in God's hands.

Also, the changing of people in my life has left me with feelings that I'm not sure what to do with. I feel so blessed to have some of the most amazing new friends in the world. I mean these girls (and their husbands, too!) are AMAZING! Always there for me when I need them most, and always having the kindest words when I'm having one of my worst days. I love them so much, and I thank God every day for putting them into my life. And I love my true friends, both new and old, and will never be able to thank them enough for their support.

I struggle with the fact that the people that I thought would always be there for me, just aren't. I guess time just changes people, too. And having kids puts a wedge between friends that don't, and can go out and do whatever, whenever.

It just hurts to know that people who I was always there for at the drop of a hat, no matter what they needed or what time of night, haven't been here for me. Maybe I just sound selfish, I don't know. I'm only writing it because its how I feel, and it really hurts.

And because these people meant the world to me, and knew it. And I guess its just hard to learn where you rank in the lives of people who ranked so highly in yours. Does that make sense? I don't even know. Either way, my feelings just got hurt I guess. But it's ok.

And anyone who has been in my situation can tell you (I feel) that it puts a strain on your marriage as well. Dustin and I just cope in different ways, and sometimes that makes it hard. But I am thankful that he is my husband, and that he is here for me. I know that we will get through this, and be closer and stronger because of it.

I will never understand why, but as Mercy Me says, "The healing doesn't come from the explained." So true. Even if I knew why, it would still hurt just as much to be here without my son. And someday, I WILL understand, and I will hold him again. No, I'm not anxious to leave this earth, but geeeeeezzzz I can't wait until that day. <3

I MISS YOU KHOEN!!!!!! I love you, my little angel!