Princess Makenna...

What a week it's been!

Makenna was sick and had to miss two days of school, as well as her dance class. Kaisyn is sick, and also had her 18 month shots, one of which swole up and turned red, and made her cry if she even had to use that arm for anything. Mikah has had a cold, but he's actually been pretty good, so I can't complain there!

But, that wasn't even what made the week so rough. Kids with snotty noses I can deal with...there are parents who have to deal with much, much worse on a daily basis, and keep smiling through it. So I'm thankful for the health of my little ones, and I'm not sweating over that.

What has made this week so "interesting" has been other things. I've been trying to do our Christmas shopping a little at a time, so that I'm not too overwhelmed financially all at one time. We can't go all out anyways, but we don't want Santa to be a complete disappointment! ;)

While I was just walking through the store the other night, I tried to start looking for what I was going to get for Mikah. Kenna and Kaisyn were easy to think of ideas for. They both have their toys they love, and we were blessed to have a sweet friend help us out a TON with Makenna's present, as well as part of Kaisyn's. But we didn't really have much for Mikah, except one little toy.

I thought shopping for Mikah would be fun, like a new kind of adventure. I've never had to go out looking for little boy toys before! I've always been surrounded by pink and babydolls and princesses. So I guess I thought it'd be a fun challenge to find boy things.

I never thought it through until I was in the store. And it only hit me because I would see little toys that had different "versions", if thats even what you call them. Like, two of the same toys in different styles or colors. And, of course, it put me back into I-miss-my-twins mode. I've been doing a lot better recently, and turning as much of my sadness as possible into just being thankful for Khoen, and that I'm his mommy. But boy do I wish I was buying presents for him, rather than trying to pay off his funeral.

I've been given lots of good ideas about ways to commemorate Khoen during the holiday season, and I'm excited to try some of them out, and see how they help our family cope. But, honestly, it doesn't really make shopping for Mikah any easier.

My mind can't help but wonder what Khoen would be interested in, and what would excite him at this age. Mikah is terrified of things that make loud noises, or toys that sing and dance. But would Khoen like them, like Kaisyn did? And Mikah loves things that make funny noises, and light up. Would Khoen, too? What would he play with, and would he be sitting up and playing just like Mikah? Or would be already be pulling up on things, since he was always a little ahead of Mikah developmentally?

Those questions just hurt so much. I know I shouldn't think that way, but it's impossible not to. I can be told, and tell myself, a million times that Khoen is happy, and had a great life, because all he knew was comfort and love. But I can't not miss him, and I can't not wonder. Mikah is his twin. T-W-I-N.

Gah, I actually have twins? Sometimes it still feels like just a dream, an amazing dream. A dream that actually came true, but then I woke up, and it was only just that....a dream. Make sense?

Probably not, but not many things that go through my mind do these days. I don't know. I just remember being so excited about this Christmas when the twins were born. We had just lost Grandmom and Grandad, and Dustin and I would talk about how the holidays without them were going to be so hard. But then we would laugh, and remind ourselves how busy we would be, and how much fun the kids would be by then.

We knew that Makenna and Kaisyn would be closer, just as they are. And we knew the twins would be into everything, and be so excited to see the lights and all of the fun Christmas things. Mikah is just that....into everything, and excited by everything. I'm sure Khoen is too. I just wish he was here to see it with me.

I'm really worried about Makenna, and it breaks my heart. She is such a sweet little girl. And she is so, so confused.

My mom had to feed the kids dinner the other night so that I could pick Dustin up. Makenna told her that she wished God and Jesus would just go away. When my mom asked her why she would want that, she explained that Jesus is holding Khoen, and if God had never taken Khoen into heaven, then mommy would be holding Khoen instead, and he would still be here. And that she would still have her brother.

Ouch.

I thought that telling her how much Jesus loves all of us, and loves Khoen, and how he has Khoen in his arms, all safe and happy in Heaven, was helping her. But, I guess it's just too much for her little mind to process.

To her, it seems like God "took" Khoen, and grandmom and grandad. And she thinks of him as the person who takes away people she loves, and pretty much holds them hostage in this place called Heaven, which she doesn't fully comprehend yet. She will tell you all day that she loves Jesus, and she says her prayers every night. She prays for people who are sick, and she thanks God for her blessings. But, she doesn't understand death. 

Most 4 year olds don't have to understand death. Most, if they are even faced with it at all, only have to understand losing one person at a time, for long periods of time. She lost 3 people who were close to her, and whom she loved dearly, in just 4 short months. We all did. And it's hard enough for me to understand and deal with, but I trust God, and I understand Heaven fully. How can I expect that of a 4 year old?

This morning, I was sad. Yesterday I found that some things were taken from me by someone I let into my home, someone I trusted. And it hurt. And, on top of missing Khoen, and dealing with Makenna's feelings, I was overwhelmed. Dustin got Makenna ready for school, and I was about to fix her hair. She sat on my lap, and just held onto my arms after I was finished.

She looked me straight in the eye, still holding my arms, and told me that when I start to go to Heaven, she is going to hold onto me as hard as she can, so she can go with me, because she never wants to live without me.

Such a sweet, sweet girl. Not to mention a floodgate-opener for tears! If only things were that easy, that simple. We could just hold onto our loved ones so tight, and either they would stay with us, or we would just simply go together to Heaven.

Makenna's teacher also told me this afternoon that yet another invisible friend, who is also a dead person, was playing with Makenna today on the playground at school. These kids play with her often, and that's part of the reason we put her into counseling. Her way of coping with the events that have happened in the past few months is by coming up with imaginary friends who are either dead, or have a brother or sister who has passed away. Most of the time, she says they are in Heaven. Today, she said "Ariel" was dead, then she was alive again. And that she didn't go to Heaven, that she was still here, even when she wasn't alive anymore.

My poor child is so, so confused, and it is so hard to watch as a parent. I took her with me to the mall after school, for some last minute picture items, and the mixture of her emotions, along with being tired from school, forced her into a COMPLETE meltdown. One like I've never seen before. Only once has she ever had a meltdown even close to that, and poor Ashley has had to witness each of them, haha!

While we were in Belk's, out of literally nowhere, she went from being so happy and excited over a cute dress she saw, to SCREAMING crying (I mean sobs, tears rolling down her face, the works....) and yelling that she misses Khoen. I was able to talk her down a little, and get her calm, and once she saw Ashley walk up, she recovered.

She was back to skipping around happy, smiling, being sweet little Kenna. We went into Children's Place, and she saw a cupcake hat she wanted. I told her if she was good, she may could get it. Usually, that is a perfectly acceptable answer to her.

Today, she wasn't having it. MELTDOWN. To where I had to pick her up, kicking and screaming, and carry her out of the mall. She screamed so loud and so much that she almost got sick in the car. If you know my Makenna, you know that is NOT her. She just doesn't do that.

I had her lay down in her bed when we got home, and talked to her about what happened. She was calm again by then, and told me how she knew she didn't act like a "big girl." She said she wanted to rest for a while. And when she got up, she wanted to call Ashley and tell her she was sorry for how she acted, too. Back to my little sweetheart.

I'm praying that we are able to figure out how her little mind is processing everything, and that I have the knowledge, strength, and patience to get help her through it. I want her to get back to her smiley place, where smiles are all she knows. She's too precious to be sad.

Tonight, I'm drained. We have our Christmas pictures in the morning, and I'm so excited about them. I'm praying the kids are all happy and cooperate for us! :)

Please keep sweet Makenna in your prayers. Just pray for comfort for her, and peace and understanding. Life has been unfair to us this year, but it is all in God's plan. And we will make it through!