Broken.

I'm so broken. Broken down mentally, physically, & emotionally. I feel like I'm going crazy. Only because I try so hard to keep smiling and stay strong and it gets tiring. I'm so excited to have this yard sale/bake sale, and honor Khoen in doing so. But tonight I feel so mad that I even need to have it.. I shouldn't be raising money for Khoens funeral. I should be buying his first Christmas presents. I should be helping him learn to stand up. I should have him here, in my arms, rocking him. I tried to rock Khoen bear tonight. It helped at first, then made the tears come more forcefully. It doesn't help that I sm sad tonight that we had to give ip Brody, our dog. I miss him too. And due to some unfortunate health conditions, I lost my one reliable babysitter tonight too. I'm praying things get better for her, I know it tears my mom up seeing her this way. But it's hard, because we have lots of doctors appointments in this house, haha. I feel so sick tonight too. Not like I'm actually sick, just sick to my stomach because I'm hurting. Its like one emotion brings up another reminder, and it's a whirlwind downhill. I think what scares me too is that I can't remember how Khoens cry sounded. I promised I would never forget, it was so unique and I used to be able to hear it clearly. Now I can't hear it at all. What if that means I'm forgetting the few memorlies I have? I know will never forget Khoen, but what if I get to where I can't see his face without a picture? It's only been 5, almost 6, months, and I can't hear his cry. I'm so scared of that. And it's killing me. I've been calling every week to see if his autopsy report is in yet, so we can get his death certificate and close our case with DSS. They have to be involved until then since he died in the home. So far, they keep telling me it's not. But I'm scared of the day when they say it is. I want a birth certificate, without deceased stamped on it...not a death certificate. I tried sitting downstairs, so my crying wouldn't keep Dustin and Mikah up, since they are both asleep in our room. But I kept staring at that spot. Khoens spot. Where he laid when he took his last breath. Where he was when Dustin did CPR. Where he was when the paramedics tried to shock his tiny heart. But he was gone. I love, yet hate that spot. And I had to come back upstairs, because staring at it wasn't helping. God I just wish Khoen was here. Makenna asked me the other day if wishes came true. I told her sometimes yes, but not always. She said she didn't believe me. When I asked why she said she wishes every night for Khoen, but he can't come back. I think she just knows how much missing him hurts me, and it makes her hurt worse too. I want to be excited for Christmas. I want to be excited for Saturday. I want to be excited for it all. But tonight, I'm just broken and sad. And it may be tomorrow before these tears stop. Mommy loves you Khoen, and I miss you so much. ♡ Excuse typos, I'm on a phone.

Princess Makenna...

What a week it's been!

Makenna was sick and had to miss two days of school, as well as her dance class. Kaisyn is sick, and also had her 18 month shots, one of which swole up and turned red, and made her cry if she even had to use that arm for anything. Mikah has had a cold, but he's actually been pretty good, so I can't complain there!

But, that wasn't even what made the week so rough. Kids with snotty noses I can deal with...there are parents who have to deal with much, much worse on a daily basis, and keep smiling through it. So I'm thankful for the health of my little ones, and I'm not sweating over that.

What has made this week so "interesting" has been other things. I've been trying to do our Christmas shopping a little at a time, so that I'm not too overwhelmed financially all at one time. We can't go all out anyways, but we don't want Santa to be a complete disappointment! ;)

While I was just walking through the store the other night, I tried to start looking for what I was going to get for Mikah. Kenna and Kaisyn were easy to think of ideas for. They both have their toys they love, and we were blessed to have a sweet friend help us out a TON with Makenna's present, as well as part of Kaisyn's. But we didn't really have much for Mikah, except one little toy.

I thought shopping for Mikah would be fun, like a new kind of adventure. I've never had to go out looking for little boy toys before! I've always been surrounded by pink and babydolls and princesses. So I guess I thought it'd be a fun challenge to find boy things.

I never thought it through until I was in the store. And it only hit me because I would see little toys that had different "versions", if thats even what you call them. Like, two of the same toys in different styles or colors. And, of course, it put me back into I-miss-my-twins mode. I've been doing a lot better recently, and turning as much of my sadness as possible into just being thankful for Khoen, and that I'm his mommy. But boy do I wish I was buying presents for him, rather than trying to pay off his funeral.

I've been given lots of good ideas about ways to commemorate Khoen during the holiday season, and I'm excited to try some of them out, and see how they help our family cope. But, honestly, it doesn't really make shopping for Mikah any easier.

My mind can't help but wonder what Khoen would be interested in, and what would excite him at this age. Mikah is terrified of things that make loud noises, or toys that sing and dance. But would Khoen like them, like Kaisyn did? And Mikah loves things that make funny noises, and light up. Would Khoen, too? What would he play with, and would he be sitting up and playing just like Mikah? Or would be already be pulling up on things, since he was always a little ahead of Mikah developmentally?

Those questions just hurt so much. I know I shouldn't think that way, but it's impossible not to. I can be told, and tell myself, a million times that Khoen is happy, and had a great life, because all he knew was comfort and love. But I can't not miss him, and I can't not wonder. Mikah is his twin. T-W-I-N.

Gah, I actually have twins? Sometimes it still feels like just a dream, an amazing dream. A dream that actually came true, but then I woke up, and it was only just that....a dream. Make sense?

Probably not, but not many things that go through my mind do these days. I don't know. I just remember being so excited about this Christmas when the twins were born. We had just lost Grandmom and Grandad, and Dustin and I would talk about how the holidays without them were going to be so hard. But then we would laugh, and remind ourselves how busy we would be, and how much fun the kids would be by then.

We knew that Makenna and Kaisyn would be closer, just as they are. And we knew the twins would be into everything, and be so excited to see the lights and all of the fun Christmas things. Mikah is just that....into everything, and excited by everything. I'm sure Khoen is too. I just wish he was here to see it with me.

I'm really worried about Makenna, and it breaks my heart. She is such a sweet little girl. And she is so, so confused.

My mom had to feed the kids dinner the other night so that I could pick Dustin up. Makenna told her that she wished God and Jesus would just go away. When my mom asked her why she would want that, she explained that Jesus is holding Khoen, and if God had never taken Khoen into heaven, then mommy would be holding Khoen instead, and he would still be here. And that she would still have her brother.

Ouch.

I thought that telling her how much Jesus loves all of us, and loves Khoen, and how he has Khoen in his arms, all safe and happy in Heaven, was helping her. But, I guess it's just too much for her little mind to process.

To her, it seems like God "took" Khoen, and grandmom and grandad. And she thinks of him as the person who takes away people she loves, and pretty much holds them hostage in this place called Heaven, which she doesn't fully comprehend yet. She will tell you all day that she loves Jesus, and she says her prayers every night. She prays for people who are sick, and she thanks God for her blessings. But, she doesn't understand death. 

Most 4 year olds don't have to understand death. Most, if they are even faced with it at all, only have to understand losing one person at a time, for long periods of time. She lost 3 people who were close to her, and whom she loved dearly, in just 4 short months. We all did. And it's hard enough for me to understand and deal with, but I trust God, and I understand Heaven fully. How can I expect that of a 4 year old?

This morning, I was sad. Yesterday I found that some things were taken from me by someone I let into my home, someone I trusted. And it hurt. And, on top of missing Khoen, and dealing with Makenna's feelings, I was overwhelmed. Dustin got Makenna ready for school, and I was about to fix her hair. She sat on my lap, and just held onto my arms after I was finished.

She looked me straight in the eye, still holding my arms, and told me that when I start to go to Heaven, she is going to hold onto me as hard as she can, so she can go with me, because she never wants to live without me.

Such a sweet, sweet girl. Not to mention a floodgate-opener for tears! If only things were that easy, that simple. We could just hold onto our loved ones so tight, and either they would stay with us, or we would just simply go together to Heaven.

Makenna's teacher also told me this afternoon that yet another invisible friend, who is also a dead person, was playing with Makenna today on the playground at school. These kids play with her often, and that's part of the reason we put her into counseling. Her way of coping with the events that have happened in the past few months is by coming up with imaginary friends who are either dead, or have a brother or sister who has passed away. Most of the time, she says they are in Heaven. Today, she said "Ariel" was dead, then she was alive again. And that she didn't go to Heaven, that she was still here, even when she wasn't alive anymore.

My poor child is so, so confused, and it is so hard to watch as a parent. I took her with me to the mall after school, for some last minute picture items, and the mixture of her emotions, along with being tired from school, forced her into a COMPLETE meltdown. One like I've never seen before. Only once has she ever had a meltdown even close to that, and poor Ashley has had to witness each of them, haha!

While we were in Belk's, out of literally nowhere, she went from being so happy and excited over a cute dress she saw, to SCREAMING crying (I mean sobs, tears rolling down her face, the works....) and yelling that she misses Khoen. I was able to talk her down a little, and get her calm, and once she saw Ashley walk up, she recovered.

She was back to skipping around happy, smiling, being sweet little Kenna. We went into Children's Place, and she saw a cupcake hat she wanted. I told her if she was good, she may could get it. Usually, that is a perfectly acceptable answer to her.

Today, she wasn't having it. MELTDOWN. To where I had to pick her up, kicking and screaming, and carry her out of the mall. She screamed so loud and so much that she almost got sick in the car. If you know my Makenna, you know that is NOT her. She just doesn't do that.

I had her lay down in her bed when we got home, and talked to her about what happened. She was calm again by then, and told me how she knew she didn't act like a "big girl." She said she wanted to rest for a while. And when she got up, she wanted to call Ashley and tell her she was sorry for how she acted, too. Back to my little sweetheart.

I'm praying that we are able to figure out how her little mind is processing everything, and that I have the knowledge, strength, and patience to get help her through it. I want her to get back to her smiley place, where smiles are all she knows. She's too precious to be sad.

Tonight, I'm drained. We have our Christmas pictures in the morning, and I'm so excited about them. I'm praying the kids are all happy and cooperate for us! :)

Please keep sweet Makenna in your prayers. Just pray for comfort for her, and peace and understanding. Life has been unfair to us this year, but it is all in God's plan. And we will make it through!

Thankfulness, followed by updates!

Each morning when I wake up, I'm always curious as to how strong I'm going to be that day, and whether it's going to be a day of smiles, or tears. I never really know. On the days full of smiles and laughter, I still miss Khoen just as much. On the days full of tears and sobbing, I am still just as thankful for the life that I have been given, and the things in my life that bring my smiles. These things don't change just because some days are better than others, and just because some days I feel stronger. I don't think it's that I'm actually stronger, it's just that I can deal with my emotions in a better way. I've been really trying to work on that lately. Every time that I start to feel overwhelmed by how much my heart just breaks for my son, I turn around and thank God for making me his mother. I tell God how thankful I am for Khoen, and I tell Khoen how proud I am of him. This doesn't make the pain any less, but it does always make me smile, somehow. Khoen is SUCH a blessing. He is such an amazing little boy. And in ways, I am super jealous of that little cutie, because he has seen so many amazing things that I can only dream of. They are just too good to comprehend here on Earth. I guess my point is that this month, I'm trying to turn my pain into thankfulness. I am so incredibly thankful for Khoen. I'm so thankful for ALL of my children. And sometimes, in the crazy, busy, hecticness that is everyday life, I think many of us forget to actually thank God for our children. In reality, they are HIS children, just as you and I are. But he blesses us with the opportunity to raise them. And whether our children come to us through regular conception, adoption, fostering, surrogacy, HOWEVER they come to us, they are a gift, directly from Him. And that also goes for whether or not they are here with us on Earth, or in His arms in Heaven. They are still His gift to us, and we should be thankful each and every day. Without my kids, my life would be so boring. I honestly don't think I would even know what to do. Sure, breaks are nice, when we get them. But I wouldn't give up a day with them for anything. The silly things they do; the endless smiles and giggles they share with me; the way they listen so intently when I tell them stories, or sing to them; every little thing they do, I can't be thankful enough to express how much I love them, and how much they mean to me. They complete me. And in all this, I fully include Khoen. Khoen still makes me smile everyday. Whether it be by me seeing his sweet little picture (which is still the background on my phone, so I see in consistently!), or sending a butterfly my way, or by sending comfort and peace when I need it most; Khoen is still with me. He lives right here in my heart, and that will never, ever change. Sometimes it gets hard for me, because I start to hear those selfish human instincts in my head, and I hate them. We all have them, and all of ours vary. But whether its jealousy, or envy, or anger, whatever it is...I don't like any of them. But, we're human. It happens to the best of us. And I have to pray that God will just take those feelings away, and help me to open my eyes and my heart, and see that we are all different. And I have to accept that, and find ways around it, and ways to deal with it. Otherwise, I may as well just surrender, check myself into the 7th floor, and cut myself off from people in general. In other words, sometimes it gets to me that people take the word "family" so lightly. It seems like to some people, it's just a lost cause. No matter how hard other people try to do whats right, and make things better, its to no use. But, that's when I have to realize that just because my whole perspective on the word "family" changed when I lost Khoen, doesn't mean everyone else in the world's did. (And no, I'm not necessarily speaking of my family in general. This blog is just where I express my emotions. It's my "happy place", anywhere that I can just write my heart out. :) ) Family is so important to me. I want my children to have that same importance instilled in their little minds. No one is ever gauranteed another day; another chance to say something that needs to be said, or to express to someone how they feel. So, why not be there for your family, everyday, and just be full of love towards them? No matter how many friends come and go from your life, you're family doesn't change. Sure, new people are added, and the more, the merrier. And, people do go home to Heaven at times, but that doesn't mean they are gone, either. I feel like I haven't told my family enough how much I love them, and how much they honestly mean to me. So I'm yelling it right now: Whether you are my husband, children, mother, father, sister, brother, grandmother, grandfather, aunt, uncle, cousin, neice, nephew, extended family, anyone....I LOVE YOU, AND YOU ARE MORE IMPORTANT TO ME THAN YOU MAY REALIZE! Dustin and I took the kids to visit my grandma and grandpa tonight, and it was such a good time. They are truly amazing people, and we are so blessed to be a part of their family. While we were there, we were also blessed to get to see my aunt and uncle, Alisa and Greg, and my sweet cousin, Leah. And it was great to just get to sit and talk and laugh, and watch the kids play and have a ball. And while I was there, I was just reminded of my childhood, and how amazing it was. I can remember Christmastime when we were little, and being so excited to just get to see everyone. I remember putting on silly shows with my sister, and just enjoying the carefreeness of being a kid. I miss those days, but I'm so blessed to get to watch my children experience them now. I know I will get to watch plenty of little shows as my little ones grow and learn, and I can't wait! I'll never be too busy to be a good audience, and I can promise I'll always ask for an encore! Life gets in the way sometimes, and I don't get to see and spend time with the people in my family as much as I'd like to. But I hope they all know that they are special to me, and I am here anytime they need me. God blessed me when he put me into the family He chose for me. Changing subjects, but I also wanted to give anyone who's interested an update on the kiddos! Makenna is doing AWESOME, as always. She's too happy not to be! I had her parent/teacher conference Thursday, and she got a perfect progress report. I'm so proud of that girl! At home, she has had some issues with listening, and sometimes her emotions get the best of her. We don't hold it against her; she has a lot of feelings inside dealing with the losses we've experienced this year, and she isn't fully capable of controlling them yet. Her "imaginary friends" has been a big one; and for those who don't know, all of her "friends" have a baby brother or sister in Heaven, just like her. This has been her main way of coping with the loss of Khoen. She still cries at completely random times, and just asks for him back, too. I found an awesome counselor, who is helping her understand these feelings, and helping her find ways to get through them with her little 4 year old mind. Sometimes Makenna acts SO grown up; but in reality, shes just a baby, too. And that baby has dealt with a LOT this year, and handled it like a pro. I couldn't ask for a better daughter. Talk about being BLESSED! Anyways, at school that isn't an issue, and she behaves VERY well. So, she's learning a lot, and making her momma extremely proud. Go, Makenna, go! :) Kaisyn is more full of herself than ever. She is reallllly starting to test just how far she can push mommy and daddy before we put her in that bad place....you know, time out, haha. She has just now started to have to sit in time out occasionally, when she does the "big no-nos", like hit brother or sister on purpose, or throw her well-known "Kaisyn tantrums". And she actually does surprisingly well with it; she will stay in time out, cry a little of course, and come to us apologetically afterwards. And, it's helped her to realize that no, means no. And if you don't listen, you aren't going to like time out. So it's best to just stop when we say to! Kaisyn is smart, and knows how to use her wit against us. She can talk, and can mimic literally almost anything we say. But, will she talk around other people? I don't think so. Almost not at all. And she will give you this sly little smirk, because she knows she's just pushing that frustration button, haha! You have to love her though; she's just a mess! She goes for her 18 month checkup on Tuesday, and has to get shots. So pray for mommy, and daddy, too, since he took a half day off to help me out! It literally takes two people holding her down to let the doctor so much as look at her, because she does NOT like new, strange people. So I really needed the daddy assistance! Prayers for patience, please, and for a strong, sweet, little-big girl! :) AND MIKAH!!!!! Sweet, cute, silly little Mikah-man! He's just doing awesome. He can scoot, and boy, can he get wherever he wants to go, and quick! He can get into almost anything before you can catch him, and he is a sneaky little guy. And he has learned that if his sissy's have a toy he wants and he turns really mad and screams at them, they will usually give it to him in pure fear that they've somehow done something wrong! It's pretty hilarious, but we've had to actually tell the girls NOT to give in to him a few times...I don't want him to think he rules this house! But, he is cute, so he gets away with it a lot. And Kenna and Kais just ADORE him. Kaisyn is always patting his little back now, and kissing his head. And of course Kenna loves "babysitting" him, because shes such a little momma. (Don't worry, this just means playing with him while mommy changes Kaisyn, or is getting his bottle. She doesn't actually have to be in charge of him.) :) As we told everyone before, his test for GA1 was negative, thank God! The day that he saw his geneticist, we thought we would just be released from her care. But she did see 3 little brown spots on him that concerned her, because they are a sign of yet another genetic disorder that goes along with his head growing too quickly. But, until he gets 3 more spots, no more tests will be done. She said that he may never develop more, and even if he does, it may be nothing to worry about. So, we are just 100% enjoying Mikah, and not giving it a second thought! If you met him, you wouldn't be able to imagine a thing in the world being wrong with him; he's just too cute, happy, and healthy-looking. He's a perfect little blessing, and I'm glad I'm his momma! :) So that's our life right now. We are looking forward to all the upcoming holidays, and enjoying each day that we are given. We continue to pray for all of our friends, and strangers too, who are going through battles in their lives. And we are just thanking God that he made us a family! Well wishes to all from the McGinnis family! :)