Sunday, October 21, 2012
If tears could build a stairway....
I can't sleep anymore.
Every time I close my eyes, all I see is Khoen.
I see him in my arms the last trip we took to my grandmas house, looking up at me while I held him. He had his little wubbanub pacifier in his mouth, and was in his little blue shirt. So perfect. So alive.
I see him laying on my bed, after his bath, while I got him dressed in his pj's. Just smiling at me. So happy. So sweet. So Khoen.
I see him asleep on my shoulder in the recliner downstairs. So peaceful.
I miss him so much, and it hurts so much. I saw a twins 1st Christmas ornament in a store today, and it broke my heart. This year would have been my twins first Christmas. I don't get that. I am thankful to get to enjoy Mikahs first Christmas, and I know it may seem selfish to some people to say I don't get my twins first Christmas. But if you haven't walked in my shoes, and felt the pain of losing a child, don't judge me.
I keep replaying the day we viewed him at McLeans in my head, too. It doesn't seem real. He was cold. Covered in makeup. And so, so still. Peaceful, yes. But not my Khoen.
That memory hurts so badly, and makes me cry even more. When will this pain ever lighten?
When will I stop crying instead of sleeping at night?
When will I stop feeling sick every time I lay down?
I'm also so paranoid about Mikah right now. I just keep listening to him in his crib beside me, just breathing. And it keeps making me wonder how a baby can just stop breathing, and there be no answer as to why? Why did Khoen just stop? Why does SIDS happen? Why does it even exist?
I know no one can answer it. Only God. I don't want answers. Right now, I just want to rock my baby. I just want to kiss him. I just want a day when my heart doesn't hurt so deeply.
This may be too much for me to write, but I am writing it anyways. If it bothers people, I'm truly sorry. But it hurts my heart right now, and I need to get it out.
I painted Khoen a pumpkin for Halloween, and was going to put Mikahs handprints on it for his brother. But I couldn't do it. When the twins were born, they didnt have their footprints done, because they were taken straight to NICU. So I didn't have that from Khoen and Mikah, like I did my girls. And I'm all about handprint art, and just having those memories.
When I found out Khoen had passed away, and was on the way home from Charleston, I was told he was taken to the medical examiners office, and would then be taken to McLeans. They asked if I had any special requests.
Mine was just that I wanted my sons handprints and footprints, so I would always remember. I got his footprints from the amazing people at McLeans, but they couldn't do his handprints. His hands were too stiff, and were already curved, ready for him to be buried.
Do you know how much that hurts as a mother? To hear that the little hand that I held only 3 days before that, was too stiff to do a handprint? To know that I will never have a handprint of Khoens?
It kills me. Do a million paint handprints with your kids, every year. You will never regret those memories. I will always regret that I don't have them.
In less than 4 hours, Mikah, Makenna, and Kaisyn will all be up, needing me. And I will be here for them. But I can't sleep. I can't stop crying. I NEED to hold Khoen. And it hurts so much that I can't.
I'm thankful for Heaven, and to know I will again someday. I am trying whole-heartedly to give this to God, and to know He knows best. He knows what He is doing, and what his plan is, for both Khoen and I. And as much as I wish His plan had been for Khoen to be in my arms right now, I know His will is being done. Sometimes its just too painful to try and understand.
Tonight, I am awake, crying for my son. Everyone is asleep around me, and all I see is Khoen. Big sweet eyes. Perfect round head. Tiny little nose. Just a little brown hair. Big sweet smile. Absolute perfection, and I miss it. I hope he knows how much I love and miss him. I wish I could tell him, just this once.
Mommy loves you so much, and I'm so sorry. You deserve the best, and I know God is doing just that for you. You are perfect, and I will never forget a single thing about you. I love you, and as much as it may make me cry, I will never stop picturing you when I close my eyes.
Sweet dreams, sweet angel. I love you always. <#
Friday, October 12, 2012
Struggling.
I've been really struggling lately. And I feel like I've had to "fake" my feelings a lot more often then I would have liked to. It's weird....I feel like even the stupidest little things seems to completely overwhelm me, and I'm not sure why, or how to fix it.
I guess I feel like I'm stuck in this "funk", and I'm not sure how to get myself out of it. So many things are different; so many things have changed. I don't know if I should feel happy or sad or what. And I am fully aware that this pretty much makes no sense. Bear with me.
I think it all started at the beginning of 2012. Knowing that my grandmother wasn't in the best of health, but was hanging in there. Knowing that I was about to become a mother to twins, and a mother to 4 children under 4 years old. Knowing that a new year was beginning, and I didn't know what to expect of it. Although honestly, I expected a lot more happy times, and lot less tears.
Is it true that death always comes in three's? Or does this just prove true for my situation. I'm not really sure. But when my grandad had his heart attack at the end of January, I honestly didn't think I would lose him.
Sometimes it bothers me that I didn't get to spend more time with him before he passed away. After his heart attack, while he was on life support and fighting with everything to stay here with us, I only actually went to see him once. It terrified me, seeing him that way. He was so strong; he was always so healthy. I don't even remember seeing him sick once in my life before that. I'm sure he was, he just always hid it so well. He was a warrior. He took care of my grandmom with a passion that made me admire him so much. He never complained, and he never wanted to quit. He loved her truly, and he would have done anything for her. I know it was hard for him to leave her; I know it was scary for him to let go.
Seeing him in a hospital bed, on a ventilator, unconscious....it hurt. And I wasn't prepared to see him like that. I don't regret visiting him; I just don't like to remember him like that. So I spent most of my time at the hospital with my grandmom, until I went into preterm labor.
That was really hard on me, too. Remember, I was there when grandad passed away. I heard the "code blue" called throughout the hospital. I heard them call for help when his heart stopped beating. But I couldn't do anything about it.
When I was released from the hospital that Monday, from my preterm labor, the first thing I did was went down a floor to visit grandmom. By this time, she knew that Grandad was gone, and she wasn't taking it too well. How could she? She had been married to him for more than 50 years, and didn't even get to see him for the 2 weeks prior to his death, when he was fighting for his life. She didn't get to tell him goodbye. My heart hurt for her.
Then, the twins were born. Such a blessing, and made me so happy. For the time, it overcame my sorrow, and all I could feel was love, and joy, and pride when I looked at those two sweet little faces.
I remember going back down to grandmom's room the day after my c-section, in my wheelchair, and showing her pictures of the boys. She was SO proud. She just beamed. From that day on, every moment I spent with grandmom was full of her asking questions about the boys, and wanting to know every little detail about them.
She wanted to see them so badly, but wasn't in good enough health to be wheeled to the NICU to see them. And, of course, with them being in NICU, they couldn't be brought up to see her.
When Mikah was released, she begged and begged us to bring him to see her. By this time, she had been moved to the infectious disease section of the hospital, and was being treated for something that they weren't quite sure what it was. So obviously I couldn't take little Mikah into somewhere where he could get sick, with him being so little still, and so fragile. He wasn't even 6 pounds yet.
Khoen was released on March 12, and once again, grandmom just begged us to bring both the boys. She wanted to see them so badly. She wanted to hold them, and love them, and tell them how much she loved them, and how blessed she felt to have them as her great grandsons.
I never got to take them to meet her. She passed away on March 19, 2012. It broke my heart. I felt so guilty for not letting them meet her. I blamed myself, and I felt terrible.
But, I focused on my children, all 4 of them, and I made it through, for them. We all went to the memorial service held together for grandmom and grandad. Even the boys. It was right before easter, and they wore their little easter outfits...the outfits that they had their pictures made in; the picture on Khoen's obituary.
As the days went by, things got easier. I knew that grandmom and grandad were together in heaven, and were looking down on us with smiles. I knew that they had seen the twins after all, and they were just happy being together, and pain free.
My life became a gigantic, hectic, happy schedule. I would write down every feeding, and diaper, and took pictures and videos galore. I was overjoyed. I absolutely loved life with my little ones. Of course it was crazy, and there were no dull moments whatsoever. I figured out how to get the girls started eating, feed both babies by putting them in one bouncer together and holding the two bottles with one hand while feeding myself with the other, and having me and the babies done eating in time to wipe the girls clean and get them from the table. Insane, but perfect. I loved it.
And sidenote, yes...things are still hectic with 3 kids around here, but it just isn't the same. It seems so dull. I don't like it.
Then, the infamous Charleston trip. The worst day of my life. Khoen went to be with Jesus. He went to be with grandmom and grandad, and to a place of happiness and peace.
And here I was; broken, crushed, sick. Even though I've had some good days since then, I don't think those feelings have really started to fade.
And maybe since June 2, I've still just been in shock. There's no other word to describe it. As reality sets in more and more, and I'm watching Mikah grow and thrive and seeing that Khoen isn't beside him, it has me in this depressed mood that I can't shake.
Lately, I just want to cry over EVERYTHING, and feel like a complete drama queen. Plus, I feel like I don't want to do much, because everything somehow makes me think of Khoen. And it just makes my heart hurt more.
Will I ever get out of this? Will this ever get easier?
I can't see it. But I know that it's in God's hands.
Also, the changing of people in my life has left me with feelings that I'm not sure what to do with. I feel so blessed to have some of the most amazing new friends in the world. I mean these girls (and their husbands, too!) are AMAZING! Always there for me when I need them most, and always having the kindest words when I'm having one of my worst days. I love them so much, and I thank God every day for putting them into my life. And I love my true friends, both new and old, and will never be able to thank them enough for their support.
I struggle with the fact that the people that I thought would always be there for me, just aren't. I guess time just changes people, too. And having kids puts a wedge between friends that don't, and can go out and do whatever, whenever.
It just hurts to know that people who I was always there for at the drop of a hat, no matter what they needed or what time of night, haven't been here for me. Maybe I just sound selfish, I don't know. I'm only writing it because its how I feel, and it really hurts.
And because these people meant the world to me, and knew it. And I guess its just hard to learn where you rank in the lives of people who ranked so highly in yours. Does that make sense? I don't even know. Either way, my feelings just got hurt I guess. But it's ok.
And anyone who has been in my situation can tell you (I feel) that it puts a strain on your marriage as well. Dustin and I just cope in different ways, and sometimes that makes it hard. But I am thankful that he is my husband, and that he is here for me. I know that we will get through this, and be closer and stronger because of it.
I will never understand why, but as Mercy Me says, "The healing doesn't come from the explained." So true. Even if I knew why, it would still hurt just as much to be here without my son. And someday, I WILL understand, and I will hold him again. No, I'm not anxious to leave this earth, but geeeeeezzzz I can't wait until that day. <3
I MISS YOU KHOEN!!!!!! I love you, my little angel!
I guess I feel like I'm stuck in this "funk", and I'm not sure how to get myself out of it. So many things are different; so many things have changed. I don't know if I should feel happy or sad or what. And I am fully aware that this pretty much makes no sense. Bear with me.
I think it all started at the beginning of 2012. Knowing that my grandmother wasn't in the best of health, but was hanging in there. Knowing that I was about to become a mother to twins, and a mother to 4 children under 4 years old. Knowing that a new year was beginning, and I didn't know what to expect of it. Although honestly, I expected a lot more happy times, and lot less tears.
Is it true that death always comes in three's? Or does this just prove true for my situation. I'm not really sure. But when my grandad had his heart attack at the end of January, I honestly didn't think I would lose him.
Sometimes it bothers me that I didn't get to spend more time with him before he passed away. After his heart attack, while he was on life support and fighting with everything to stay here with us, I only actually went to see him once. It terrified me, seeing him that way. He was so strong; he was always so healthy. I don't even remember seeing him sick once in my life before that. I'm sure he was, he just always hid it so well. He was a warrior. He took care of my grandmom with a passion that made me admire him so much. He never complained, and he never wanted to quit. He loved her truly, and he would have done anything for her. I know it was hard for him to leave her; I know it was scary for him to let go.
Seeing him in a hospital bed, on a ventilator, unconscious....it hurt. And I wasn't prepared to see him like that. I don't regret visiting him; I just don't like to remember him like that. So I spent most of my time at the hospital with my grandmom, until I went into preterm labor.
That was really hard on me, too. Remember, I was there when grandad passed away. I heard the "code blue" called throughout the hospital. I heard them call for help when his heart stopped beating. But I couldn't do anything about it.
When I was released from the hospital that Monday, from my preterm labor, the first thing I did was went down a floor to visit grandmom. By this time, she knew that Grandad was gone, and she wasn't taking it too well. How could she? She had been married to him for more than 50 years, and didn't even get to see him for the 2 weeks prior to his death, when he was fighting for his life. She didn't get to tell him goodbye. My heart hurt for her.
Then, the twins were born. Such a blessing, and made me so happy. For the time, it overcame my sorrow, and all I could feel was love, and joy, and pride when I looked at those two sweet little faces.
I remember going back down to grandmom's room the day after my c-section, in my wheelchair, and showing her pictures of the boys. She was SO proud. She just beamed. From that day on, every moment I spent with grandmom was full of her asking questions about the boys, and wanting to know every little detail about them.
She wanted to see them so badly, but wasn't in good enough health to be wheeled to the NICU to see them. And, of course, with them being in NICU, they couldn't be brought up to see her.
When Mikah was released, she begged and begged us to bring him to see her. By this time, she had been moved to the infectious disease section of the hospital, and was being treated for something that they weren't quite sure what it was. So obviously I couldn't take little Mikah into somewhere where he could get sick, with him being so little still, and so fragile. He wasn't even 6 pounds yet.
Khoen was released on March 12, and once again, grandmom just begged us to bring both the boys. She wanted to see them so badly. She wanted to hold them, and love them, and tell them how much she loved them, and how blessed she felt to have them as her great grandsons.
I never got to take them to meet her. She passed away on March 19, 2012. It broke my heart. I felt so guilty for not letting them meet her. I blamed myself, and I felt terrible.
But, I focused on my children, all 4 of them, and I made it through, for them. We all went to the memorial service held together for grandmom and grandad. Even the boys. It was right before easter, and they wore their little easter outfits...the outfits that they had their pictures made in; the picture on Khoen's obituary.
As the days went by, things got easier. I knew that grandmom and grandad were together in heaven, and were looking down on us with smiles. I knew that they had seen the twins after all, and they were just happy being together, and pain free.
My life became a gigantic, hectic, happy schedule. I would write down every feeding, and diaper, and took pictures and videos galore. I was overjoyed. I absolutely loved life with my little ones. Of course it was crazy, and there were no dull moments whatsoever. I figured out how to get the girls started eating, feed both babies by putting them in one bouncer together and holding the two bottles with one hand while feeding myself with the other, and having me and the babies done eating in time to wipe the girls clean and get them from the table. Insane, but perfect. I loved it.
And sidenote, yes...things are still hectic with 3 kids around here, but it just isn't the same. It seems so dull. I don't like it.
Then, the infamous Charleston trip. The worst day of my life. Khoen went to be with Jesus. He went to be with grandmom and grandad, and to a place of happiness and peace.
And here I was; broken, crushed, sick. Even though I've had some good days since then, I don't think those feelings have really started to fade.
And maybe since June 2, I've still just been in shock. There's no other word to describe it. As reality sets in more and more, and I'm watching Mikah grow and thrive and seeing that Khoen isn't beside him, it has me in this depressed mood that I can't shake.
Lately, I just want to cry over EVERYTHING, and feel like a complete drama queen. Plus, I feel like I don't want to do much, because everything somehow makes me think of Khoen. And it just makes my heart hurt more.
Will I ever get out of this? Will this ever get easier?
I can't see it. But I know that it's in God's hands.
Also, the changing of people in my life has left me with feelings that I'm not sure what to do with. I feel so blessed to have some of the most amazing new friends in the world. I mean these girls (and their husbands, too!) are AMAZING! Always there for me when I need them most, and always having the kindest words when I'm having one of my worst days. I love them so much, and I thank God every day for putting them into my life. And I love my true friends, both new and old, and will never be able to thank them enough for their support.
I struggle with the fact that the people that I thought would always be there for me, just aren't. I guess time just changes people, too. And having kids puts a wedge between friends that don't, and can go out and do whatever, whenever.
It just hurts to know that people who I was always there for at the drop of a hat, no matter what they needed or what time of night, haven't been here for me. Maybe I just sound selfish, I don't know. I'm only writing it because its how I feel, and it really hurts.
And because these people meant the world to me, and knew it. And I guess its just hard to learn where you rank in the lives of people who ranked so highly in yours. Does that make sense? I don't even know. Either way, my feelings just got hurt I guess. But it's ok.
And anyone who has been in my situation can tell you (I feel) that it puts a strain on your marriage as well. Dustin and I just cope in different ways, and sometimes that makes it hard. But I am thankful that he is my husband, and that he is here for me. I know that we will get through this, and be closer and stronger because of it.
I will never understand why, but as Mercy Me says, "The healing doesn't come from the explained." So true. Even if I knew why, it would still hurt just as much to be here without my son. And someday, I WILL understand, and I will hold him again. No, I'm not anxious to leave this earth, but geeeeeezzzz I can't wait until that day. <3
I MISS YOU KHOEN!!!!!! I love you, my little angel!
Sunday, October 7, 2012
It's the 7th of the month again...
Today, my boys are 8 months old. And once again, today is hitting me harder than October 2nd did. The 2nd meant that my little Khoen has been an angel for 4 months.
On September 27, Khoen had been gone for exactly as many days as he was alive. How unfair is that?
There are still days when I can think of him and just smile, and be happy, and have peace in knowing that my love for Khoen is so strong, he just has to be able to feel it in Heaven. And there are other days when its hard for me to even look at pictures of other peoples little twins, or other multiples, dressed alike and just so cute, and not feel like my heart has a knife stuck in it.
I can't believe that today is 8 months since I gave birth to those two sweet boys. As traumatic as their entrance into the world was, I would do it again in a heartbeat today if it meant I had another chance with Khoen. Another chance to hold him, and love on him, and just tell him how perfect he is, and that I love him so much.
Mikah has started to really try and sit up alone this week. He still falls over often, but he can balance for a few minutes, and it's a huge step for him. He has been so behind in development for his age, but on track for his gestational age. Technically, they consider him 6 months old today.
I can't help but wonder is Khoen would be sitting by now, too. Dustin and I talked about that yesterday, and both agreed that we think he would have. Kho started reaching for toys before Mikah did, and was more interactive in general than Mikah was. He smiled first, could follow you around the room with his eyes earlier, everything. So we think he would be sitting easily and playing by now.
The thought of him and Mikah sitting together, playing side by side with little toys, just makes me sick to my stomach. I'm not really sure why sickness is the way that I react, but I guess its mainly just because my heart hurts so badly over it, that it does make me physically sick.
Although neither of my girls had a twin, or a playmate while they were that young, I often feel like I am depriving Mikah somehow, because he is supposed to have that bond, and that constant friendship that he had in Khoen.
He was smiling in his sleep last night, and I just watched, wondering if he was dreaming about Kho. I like to think he was. Besides, he spent more time with him than any of us were able to, and he knew him best of all. I know he misses his brother, and sometimes its scary to me wondering if he can feel that emotion. I know, he's a baby....but that was his other half.
Mikah also had his first tooth officially break through this week! My baby has a tooth!!!!! And once again, I had to wonder if Khoen would have a tooth by now, too...or maybe more than one, you never know. I'll never know. That just stinks. :(
I'm not really sure if it's just the whole "it gets harder before it gets easier" thing, or if it's always just going to hurt this badly every time I think about Khoen. But lately, it's been so much worse on me.
Yes, it's still 4 months away, but the boys birthday terrifies me now. And I should be so excited about it, and I feel bad for not being. But it's going to hurt so badly throwing a party for just one baby here on earth.
I'm going to plan something to honor Khoen too, and hope that people will come celebrate his birthday with us, too. I'll say it again, because there are no other words; its just not fair. :(
With all of this genetic stuff going on with Mikah, and him having been sick the past few weeks, I've been an emotional and nervous wreck. Seriously. I'm terrified of losing Mikah, and my girs. Things that in the past wouldn't have made me think twice, scare the crap out of me.
Just like today. I woke up feeling really sick, and with a bad stomach ache. I didn't sleep well last night, because too much was on my mind. Actually, not really too much, just Khoen...and that sometimes is too much for me to handle and try to sleep. Plus, as I said, its their 8 month birthday, and Khoen has been gone longer than he was in my arms, and its all so overwhelming. So I'm not sure if its exhaustion and emotions making me sick, or if it's this bug thats been going around like crazy.
No one else feels sick right now, but the stomach bug is the one major thing that they do NOT want Mikah to catch. Throwing up is what could be so fatal for him, and thats so scary. Like I said, in the past, I wouldn't have been worried about it. We may get a bug, then we would get better and keep moving. But knowing that it could be harmful or fatal to Mikah to get a stomach bug just amplifies all of my nervousness by a million.
I can't wait to get back the official genetic results...about 2 more weeks!!! I am praying HARD that it is NOT GA1, and we can all just relax and enjoy Mikah for the happy, perfect little boy he is.
Him going back and forth to the doctor and hospital while he was sick was tearing Makenna up. She would make me promise her every time that he was going to come back home, and not going to Heaven yet. It's not fair for my 4 year old to have such a fear of death at such a young age. Most kids her age don't even know what it is yet. And she has been hit by the death of 3 people she loves so much in just the past 8 months. Grandad, Grandmom, Khoen.
I think she likes having her angels, because she will tell us they are watching over her. But it has affected her so much. I am looking into some counseling for her, to see if it helps any.
Anyone who knows Makenna, knows she has a huge imagination. She has a few little imaginary friends that are with her everyday. Especially Anna, who goes to school with her, and her little classmates have even accepted. There's Anna, Jackson, Bella, and Bella-Screen.....dont ask me, I have no clue how she came up with these names. But those are her friends, or some days her children.
Her teacher even told me that one day last week, her and a little boy named Ryan in her class were playing, and Ryan told Mrs. Barbara that Jackson bit him. She was confused because there is no Jackson in her class. Turns out, he was also playing with Kenna's imaginary Jackson, who apparently got mad and bit him. Oh kids and their little minds!!
I am ok with Makenna having her little imaginary playmates, because they make her feel a sense of security, and she needs that. But, she tells us that the reason they are her friends is because they all have a brother or sister who has gone to Heaven. Thats why she likes to play with them, because they know how she feels.
That's hard on me as a mother, because I just want my kids world to be perfect, and full of life, love, and happiness. And her world was turned upside down this year, and I'm still trying to figure out how to turn it back.
Kaisyn doesn't seem quite as affected, but she's so young. If you ask her where brother is, she goes straight to Mikah and says her version of 'there he is.' But if you ask her where other brother is, she will either say 'i dont know', or 'byebye', and wave. She isn't quite big enough to grasp Heaven. But she does get so excited when we go to the cemetary. She will run straight to where Khoen is, and say "Hiiiiii!" so excitedly. She will blow him kisses, and touch his little picture that's out there, and knows where he is buried every time. We never have to show her.
So I know she understands a little.
I heard today that a little girl who I had been a part of her prayer circle, though she lives many miles away, lost her battle with cancer today. She just turned 4 years old in September. It broke my heart again, because I know how much pain her family is going through, and because it just ISN'T FAIR. I know that I didn't lose Khoen to cancer, but I feel like I want to do something to avocate more for childhood cancer, because too many kids are affected by this, and it has to stop. Just like SIDS. This has to stop.
Mom's and dad's, I've said it before and I'm saying it again. Please cherish every little moment you have with your children. I don't care if they have a terrible attitude, are so cranky it's driving you up the wall, whatever. We are all human, we all get frustrated. But remember that they are a gift, and a blessing. And each day you have with them is a blessing. And every time that you are just wishing so badly you could have a day to yourself and someone could just take your child off your hands for a bit, there is a mother and father out there longing so badly to hold their little one again. You are never promised tomorrow, and as unfair as it is, our kids aren't promised tomorrow either. That's the cold reality.
Today, Mikah is 8 months old. And today, my heart is broken over Khoen yet again. Happy 8 month birthday in Heaven, sweet boy. Mommy loves you so, so much. I miss you more than you know.
Can't wait to see you again, my little angel. <3
On September 27, Khoen had been gone for exactly as many days as he was alive. How unfair is that?
There are still days when I can think of him and just smile, and be happy, and have peace in knowing that my love for Khoen is so strong, he just has to be able to feel it in Heaven. And there are other days when its hard for me to even look at pictures of other peoples little twins, or other multiples, dressed alike and just so cute, and not feel like my heart has a knife stuck in it.
I can't believe that today is 8 months since I gave birth to those two sweet boys. As traumatic as their entrance into the world was, I would do it again in a heartbeat today if it meant I had another chance with Khoen. Another chance to hold him, and love on him, and just tell him how perfect he is, and that I love him so much.
Mikah has started to really try and sit up alone this week. He still falls over often, but he can balance for a few minutes, and it's a huge step for him. He has been so behind in development for his age, but on track for his gestational age. Technically, they consider him 6 months old today.
I can't help but wonder is Khoen would be sitting by now, too. Dustin and I talked about that yesterday, and both agreed that we think he would have. Kho started reaching for toys before Mikah did, and was more interactive in general than Mikah was. He smiled first, could follow you around the room with his eyes earlier, everything. So we think he would be sitting easily and playing by now.
The thought of him and Mikah sitting together, playing side by side with little toys, just makes me sick to my stomach. I'm not really sure why sickness is the way that I react, but I guess its mainly just because my heart hurts so badly over it, that it does make me physically sick.
Although neither of my girls had a twin, or a playmate while they were that young, I often feel like I am depriving Mikah somehow, because he is supposed to have that bond, and that constant friendship that he had in Khoen.
He was smiling in his sleep last night, and I just watched, wondering if he was dreaming about Kho. I like to think he was. Besides, he spent more time with him than any of us were able to, and he knew him best of all. I know he misses his brother, and sometimes its scary to me wondering if he can feel that emotion. I know, he's a baby....but that was his other half.
Mikah also had his first tooth officially break through this week! My baby has a tooth!!!!! And once again, I had to wonder if Khoen would have a tooth by now, too...or maybe more than one, you never know. I'll never know. That just stinks. :(
I'm not really sure if it's just the whole "it gets harder before it gets easier" thing, or if it's always just going to hurt this badly every time I think about Khoen. But lately, it's been so much worse on me.
Yes, it's still 4 months away, but the boys birthday terrifies me now. And I should be so excited about it, and I feel bad for not being. But it's going to hurt so badly throwing a party for just one baby here on earth.
I'm going to plan something to honor Khoen too, and hope that people will come celebrate his birthday with us, too. I'll say it again, because there are no other words; its just not fair. :(
With all of this genetic stuff going on with Mikah, and him having been sick the past few weeks, I've been an emotional and nervous wreck. Seriously. I'm terrified of losing Mikah, and my girs. Things that in the past wouldn't have made me think twice, scare the crap out of me.
Just like today. I woke up feeling really sick, and with a bad stomach ache. I didn't sleep well last night, because too much was on my mind. Actually, not really too much, just Khoen...and that sometimes is too much for me to handle and try to sleep. Plus, as I said, its their 8 month birthday, and Khoen has been gone longer than he was in my arms, and its all so overwhelming. So I'm not sure if its exhaustion and emotions making me sick, or if it's this bug thats been going around like crazy.
No one else feels sick right now, but the stomach bug is the one major thing that they do NOT want Mikah to catch. Throwing up is what could be so fatal for him, and thats so scary. Like I said, in the past, I wouldn't have been worried about it. We may get a bug, then we would get better and keep moving. But knowing that it could be harmful or fatal to Mikah to get a stomach bug just amplifies all of my nervousness by a million.
I can't wait to get back the official genetic results...about 2 more weeks!!! I am praying HARD that it is NOT GA1, and we can all just relax and enjoy Mikah for the happy, perfect little boy he is.
Him going back and forth to the doctor and hospital while he was sick was tearing Makenna up. She would make me promise her every time that he was going to come back home, and not going to Heaven yet. It's not fair for my 4 year old to have such a fear of death at such a young age. Most kids her age don't even know what it is yet. And she has been hit by the death of 3 people she loves so much in just the past 8 months. Grandad, Grandmom, Khoen.
I think she likes having her angels, because she will tell us they are watching over her. But it has affected her so much. I am looking into some counseling for her, to see if it helps any.
Anyone who knows Makenna, knows she has a huge imagination. She has a few little imaginary friends that are with her everyday. Especially Anna, who goes to school with her, and her little classmates have even accepted. There's Anna, Jackson, Bella, and Bella-Screen.....dont ask me, I have no clue how she came up with these names. But those are her friends, or some days her children.
Her teacher even told me that one day last week, her and a little boy named Ryan in her class were playing, and Ryan told Mrs. Barbara that Jackson bit him. She was confused because there is no Jackson in her class. Turns out, he was also playing with Kenna's imaginary Jackson, who apparently got mad and bit him. Oh kids and their little minds!!
I am ok with Makenna having her little imaginary playmates, because they make her feel a sense of security, and she needs that. But, she tells us that the reason they are her friends is because they all have a brother or sister who has gone to Heaven. Thats why she likes to play with them, because they know how she feels.
That's hard on me as a mother, because I just want my kids world to be perfect, and full of life, love, and happiness. And her world was turned upside down this year, and I'm still trying to figure out how to turn it back.
Kaisyn doesn't seem quite as affected, but she's so young. If you ask her where brother is, she goes straight to Mikah and says her version of 'there he is.' But if you ask her where other brother is, she will either say 'i dont know', or 'byebye', and wave. She isn't quite big enough to grasp Heaven. But she does get so excited when we go to the cemetary. She will run straight to where Khoen is, and say "Hiiiiii!" so excitedly. She will blow him kisses, and touch his little picture that's out there, and knows where he is buried every time. We never have to show her.
So I know she understands a little.
I heard today that a little girl who I had been a part of her prayer circle, though she lives many miles away, lost her battle with cancer today. She just turned 4 years old in September. It broke my heart again, because I know how much pain her family is going through, and because it just ISN'T FAIR. I know that I didn't lose Khoen to cancer, but I feel like I want to do something to avocate more for childhood cancer, because too many kids are affected by this, and it has to stop. Just like SIDS. This has to stop.
Mom's and dad's, I've said it before and I'm saying it again. Please cherish every little moment you have with your children. I don't care if they have a terrible attitude, are so cranky it's driving you up the wall, whatever. We are all human, we all get frustrated. But remember that they are a gift, and a blessing. And each day you have with them is a blessing. And every time that you are just wishing so badly you could have a day to yourself and someone could just take your child off your hands for a bit, there is a mother and father out there longing so badly to hold their little one again. You are never promised tomorrow, and as unfair as it is, our kids aren't promised tomorrow either. That's the cold reality.
Today, Mikah is 8 months old. And today, my heart is broken over Khoen yet again. Happy 8 month birthday in Heaven, sweet boy. Mommy loves you so, so much. I miss you more than you know.
Can't wait to see you again, my little angel. <3
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