Lucky

Tonight, I was laying down trying to relax, and I just had so many thoughts and emotions, I decided to come here to share a few. 

I have days when life feels unbearable. I think anyone with anxiety probably does. The twins birthday...that was probably the worst I've had in YEARS. 

I thought I was handling things well. I was ok the days leading up to February 7, cried a little the night before because I missed Khoen and just still can't believe they are FIVE.....but nothing too crazy. I was fine that morning when we all started our day. Spent a few hours with one of my best friends, and played with Kaisyn, Mikah, and the baby I babysit during the day. 

Then, out of no where, I couldn't breathe. I don't mean just a little short of breath....I felt like something was sitting on my chest, and I was breathing through a straw, and it was terrifying. I tried to stand up and instantly thought I was going to pass out. So I called my lovely mother (she's always quick the the rescue, I'm so blessed to have her!) and she came to watch the kids and try to calm me down. 

My chest hurt so badly that I honestly thought maybe I was having a heart attack. I called the babies grandmother, and she headed our way, too. Then, we called 911. 

Long story short, that was apparently my first real, out-of-nowhere panic attack, and it was so scary! Once medicine kicked in to calm me down, I felt better, just sick and exhausted. But I learned that holding in my emotions obviously doesn't suit me well. 

I thought I could be stronger this year for Mikah. But I don't think I'm ready to be supermom just yet. I would rather shed more tears on the hard days than hold it in and go through that again! 

But man, I'm so lucky to have the incredible people and support system in my life that I do. From my family, to best friends who are like family, and extended family (like the sweet boy I babysit for...his family is extended family!), I am surrounded by absolutely incredible people! 

Tonight I went to help one of my best friends pack some boxes and take them to their new house, closer to me I might add (yay!), and she gave me the sweetest gift! A bracelet, with an elephant because she knows me so well, that says "One of a kind" and "I'm so lucky to have you"....I loved it instantly, but once I got home and showed it off to my hubby and kiddos, it hit me how much it really meant to me. We've been friends now for over 10 years, and for a few of those years, she and her family lived in a different state. But, she was ALWAYS there. I called her on some of the hardest nights of my life, and she always just listened, and helped me through. I love her, and I am incredibly thankful for our friendship. 

Then of course that bracelet made my heart think of how lucky I am. I've been through hell, and still wouldn't say I've come out on the other side completely. But I'm still standing, and that's because of all of the people who have helped me along the way. 

I'm in many ways still not the person I want to be. I'm easy to take advantage of, because I don't like to tell people no, or hurt people. I hate making people angry. There are people who have made me feel used, and worthless, and invaluable. And that's ok. 

It's ok because there are people who help me remember I'm worth something. My kids, every single day when they hug me and smile at me and want me to just sit and hold them. I sure will miss these times when they are older so I soak up as much of it as I can right now! My family, who is there when I can't seem to find my way out of the dark. And my best friends, when they tell me they are lucky to have me...because I often feel so, so lucky to have them, but it feels nice to know they feel the same about me! 

So if you've ever listened to me, or helped me through a rough patch, or given me a hug when all I could do was cry, thank you. Sincerely. I may not always be the best at showing how thankful I am, but I really am. And I love you. 

And Kristin, thank you. I'm the lucky one, trust me. I can't wait to see what shenanigans the future holds for our friendship! I love you! 💕 

New Doors Opening

Change. It's never been something I'm good at dealing with. I'm pretty certain that any person with anxiety can relate.

I try to be as go-with-it as I can, but it's never easy. And tomorrow is a day of change around here, so of course tonight is a struggle for me.

It's not necessarily a bad change. Dustin is starting a new job with a new company, and leaving a company he has enjoyed working for and that has treated him well since he started there. There are many pros to this new job, and he is happy, and that's what I want...the people I love to be happy. So it's a good thing.

But it changes my routine and that, of course, throws this anxious momma for a loop. Nothing huge, just a change from him working 2nd shift to 1st. In all reality, it will probably be a change that I love, because family dinners through the week can exist again, and I may possibly get some help on bath nights and with homework.

I just get comfortable in my ways, and anything that throws that off sets off alarms in my head that are hard to shut down.

Looking back, change has mostly always proven to be good to me.

Over 9 years ago (has it seriously been that long?!) was probably the biggest change for me. I went from being a carefree 20 year old who worked full time and supported myself, enjoyed all of life and thought I knew what love was.

Then, I found out I was pregnant with my precious Makenna. That changed everything. I was scared, and I was doubted, and I was hurt. I discovered I didn't know what love was yet after all. Until she was born, and I held her, and I knew every single ounce of pain, every tear shed, and every bit of change was completely 100% worth it. She was meant to be my little girl, and I was meant to be her mom.

Sure, it was out of the regular "order" of things in life, but it opened my eyes to things I had been so blind to before. She made me a better person, through and through. She was worth it, and she was my life.

Then there was Dustin. Another huge change. Someone from my past who unexpectedly came back into my life at the right time, but things weren't easy. Things were complicated. Life changed.

But from that change came Kaisyn. Spunky, looks just like her daddy, silly but such a sweetheart. She made me realize I could love another child like I loved Makenna. Before her, I thought I could never love anyone that much, ever again. But she proved me wrong, and showed me my heart was plenty big enough to love her just as much, and then have my love for both girls multiply, over and over again.

Life had changed. My friends had changed. I couldn't be so carefree anymore, so I didn't get to see my friends as much, and I shed tears. But then my girls would make me laugh and look at me with so much love, and I knew I was created specifically for them. To raise them, and teach them, and hold their hands as they grew. I was happy with my change.

Out of nowhere, when we expected it the least, we found out we were pregnant again. How?! I was on birth control...I had a 3.5 month old daughter...there was no way.

We went to crisis pregnancy center, and again, I was terrified. This was too much change. They did an ultrasound, and there they were....not one, but two babies. My twins. The twins I wrote stories about growing up, and pretended to have and to be when I played barbies as a kid. The twins I dreamed of but never thought could be reality. Reality smacked me in the face that day.

2012.

I lost my grandfather, had my twins 2 months early, then lost my grandmother, all in 6 weeks time. I grew up blessed with 4 of the most incredible grandparents you could ever picture. I mean ones every child wishes they had. My idea of perfect. And Grandmom was so excited for my boys, and I was crushed when she didn't get to meet them.

Change. So much had changed.

But still, I kept going, and was blessed, and found happiness, and thought life had finally decided to let me be.

And Khoen died, and that change cut me to the core, and I thought I'd never stand again.

Yet here I am, still standing, still living day by day. I don't know how, but I'm here, and everyday I manage to smile at something.

Those smiles are blessing from my other 3 children. They are what gets me through each and every day.

Life has changed so much, and yet my children are happy and healthy, and their little hearts are full of love. They know they are beautiful, and oh so loved.

There were other little changes along the way, too, that impacted my life in such positive ways. When Kaisyn was 2, I decided to put her in Bethesda UMCs children's program, and she did so much better than I could have imagined. We were blessed with the best teacher and administrator we could have had.

Financially, we couldn't keep her there at the time, another change that was hard to swallow at the time. But, had she never gone, I probably wouldn't have the opportunity to babysit the sweet little boy  that I get to love on each week. I wouldn't have known that family, and now I can't imagine that, because that little boy is just another thing that makes me look forward to getting up each morning. He is such a blessing to our lives, and I'm so thankful his parents trust me to love him while they work.

So change hasn't always been bad, even when it seemed so at the time.

Tonight, since I was feeling anxious, I decided to look back at old pictures and videos of the kids, and it hit me yet again just how big they are getting. Those baby voices and chubby cheeks are gone, and I now have 2 smart, independent children who don't need me quite as much as they did yesterday. Each day, they can do just a little more without my hand to guide them. But I will hold on as long as I possibly can, and treasure each little moment and memory with them.

So as of tomorrow, I won't have Dustin here in the mornings. My safety blanket of knowing he is here will be gone, but he will be home for dinner, and I pray once my anxious mind realizes that, it will calm down and let me get some much needed rest.

I'm thankful for the opportunity to continue to homeschool Kaisyn, and for the friends who help me through the week when I need it to make that possible, and allow me to keep other children in my home as well. I'm thankful for friends who love my children and myself, even at our worst times.

I'm thankful for friends who will help me clean my house for hours, and reorganize over and over until it's how I want it.

I'm thankful for friends who will help me search for my phone for half an hour on a completely crazy day, and find it for me in the drawer with my kitchen utensils, since I decided to clean it up when I cleaned up from making lunch for 5 kids.

I'm thankful for my husband who does work hard so I can stay home, and who loves me even when I am being completely undeserving.

Those 3. Those 3 people, those 2 friends and my husband, they are my backbone. They help me through my crazy when I can't see my way out. I love them and am so blessed to have them.

My 4 children. They are my smiles, and my laughter, and my crazy. There aren't words to adequately express the amount of love I have for them. It's infinite.

My baby (I claim him as my baby, even if it's only part of the day Monday through Friday). He is my smile, and what makes me not dread Monday's quite so much. I just love him so much, and am so blessed.

And the twins I'm keeping now, and the friend who trusts me with them, they have kept me laughing and helped me through something I didn't think I could overcome. They are the twins who were born a year to the day from when Khoen and Mikah were born. Exact same birthdays, just a year apart. I was a bad friend to their mom after they were born, I admit that and I hate it. But it was so hard to face twins period, and I was scared to face them because I was scared it would hurt. Then, the opportunity to keep them was there, and there was no fear. Just change, and such a good one. They've made me realize I can face not just them, but any twins, and not completely fall apart. I'm thankful in a way words can't even explain.

So change isn't always bad. Sometimes hard, but sometimes for the best. So I'll try to quiet my anxious mind and my nervous heart, and pray for peace, and a smooth transition into a new routine. 💕

Let's be honest, I'm only human...

Greed. Hate. Anger. Resentment.

Human emotions that we are all guilty of, whether we want to admit it or not. So many times, we look at others, and thoughts cross our minds that we know shouldn't. Because, who are we to judge?

I know I personally can judge no one. I am far from perfect. I have made my mistakes....probably much more than my fair share of them.

I'll start with greed. I don't care who you are, you have at some point in your life been greedy, or had a greedy thought cross your mind. Most of them are just that, innocent thoughts. But sometimes they determine decisions we make.

Let me put the definition out there...

Greed: intense and selfish desire for something, especially wealth, power, or food.

I'm so guilty of greed. It's no secret that we live pretty much paycheck to paycheck. Yes, we find ways to do special things for our children, but it isn't without budgeting and deciding when and what we can do. And I've looked at others who have their own homes, and can afford Disney World vacations, and thought geez, that's so unfair. Why can't that be me?

GREED. Whenever I have those thoughts, I bring myself back down to earth. What decisions did I make that led me to where I am today? I didn't finish college; guilty. I had my first daughter before I was married, and before I was mature enough to fully comprehend everything that motherhood would entail; guilty. I got married young and had more children, before we were financially sound enough to afford the lifestyle I am looking at with greed; guilty. So, who am I to be greedy? I made my decisions, and I take responsibility for them. Only I can answer for the choices I made.

So instead, I pray for forgiveness, and thank God for blessing those who are more fortunate in ways than my family may be. I teach my children not to be greedy, and to be thankful for what they have. Yes, they may WANT more, but they have everything they NEED, plus some. They are well taken care of, and much more fortunate than some children in this world.

Next up, hate. I'm not going to lie here either, I HATE the word hate. I don't allow my children to say it.

Hate is defined as feeling intense or passionate dislike for someone or something.

I do believe that I can honestly say that I hate no one. There are people who I disagree with their decisions and choices, but I don't hate them. I never will. But, I am guilty of hating some of the things that this world has come to.

Oddly enough, I am finding it hard to even type the word hate in this paragraph, because my dislike of that word is that intense.

I strongly dislike what some children are exposed to, and therefore unknowingly expose my children to. Children are innocent, and they only know what they are shown by the adults that they trust. And there are things that I would like to keep my children from knowing until they are old enough to understand it.

Call it sheltering them if you'd like. I don't consider it that. I want to preserve their innocence and their imagination for as long as I can. I don't want my children to know that drugs exist, or that the world is becoming such a scary place. I can honestly say that my 7 year old has never seen an episode of Monster High, doesn't own any Bratz dolls, and still prefers to watch Paw Patrol with her brother and sister as opposed to shows that other children her age are watching. And I'm ok with that. Do I think its wrong that other parents allow it? Absolutely not. I believe that every parent knows their child best, and knows what they are mentally capable of processing. Therefore only a parent can make those decisions for their child.

But I love that Makenna can pretend so vividly, and believes in unicorns and fairytales, and that all of her dreams can come true. I'm not perfect at parenting, but I do my best for my children.


And, since I'm being honest here, I admit that I do hate anxiety and phobias. I struggle with emetophobia, and for those who know me, you know what that is, I'm sure. For those who don't, its a fear of vomit. Yes, its a real thing. No, it's not a joke. And yes, it sounds hilarious, but when you are an actual emetophobic, I can promise you it is no laughing matter at all. And yes, it's much different than just not liking it when people throw up...I mean I will run away from you, probably screaming, and not return until I have a face mask and gloves. Just ask my husband. ;)

Yes, this interferes at times with my parenting. But, I do my best daily to deal with and overcome my fear and my anxieties. And it only makes me more thankful for the people who I know I can count on to come when I need them, and who support me the best way that they can.

That got a little off topic, but you get the point.

Oh, anger...how many times we have had to encounter one another. It can be so hard to control anger at times.

Anger is defined as a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.

Please, tell me you have kids and have never gotten angry with them. I dare you. It's how we handle anger that matters, and I will also admit that I haven't always handled it the way that I should.

I've yelled. I've lost my temper. More times than I'm proud of. And not just to my children. And, I also admit that I became a much more angry person after Khoen died. Am I looking for an excuse for my anger, or for pity? Absolutely not. Like I said, I'm just being honest.

Sometimes I even find myself getting angry at things that don't even concern me. Someone may make a comment about how twins are hard work, and someone is lucky to have only had one baby rather than two....cue my anger. Should I be angry at that? Nope. But am I? Oh yes. Why? Because, in my human, irrational mind, I would love nothing more than to have my twins back. Would I also think that they were hard work? Sure! And I probably wouldn't have appreciated the struggles as much as I should have.

But, Khoen died, and I didn't get a lot of the chances that I felt like I was entitled to, and I got angry. In reality, I wasn't entitled to anything. Only God knows how many days we each have on this earth, and it took me losing my son to realize that. To realize that you really do have to make the most of what you're given.

But, that doesn't mean that I don't still get angry. I get angry when I've said 15 times in 5 minutes to clean up the little cubes that the kids love to pretend are anything and everything, and that hurt your feet something awful if you step on them....and instead of cleaning, they are still laughing and playing and being kids. I get angry when I ask my husband to do something to help out around the house and he agrees, and I wake up the next day to find that I have to do it myself.

Does that mean I love my husband or children any less? Not at all! But, I'm human, and I get angry. Everyone does.

Last, resentment. This one ties into the others, but it's been a HUGE struggle for me.

Resentment is bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly.

I've already admitted that I became a more angry person when Khoen died. But more so, I became a resentful person.

Sure, I'm guilty also of resenting little things...like people with huge backyards for their kids to play in, people who can comfort their kids while they puke without feeling like the world is ending...you know, crazy little things that I shouldn't even have to admit.

But, my main struggle has been my resentment towards anyone and everyone with twins. This has made me feel like a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad person. And I mean that.

But let me get this straight....I do not resent the fact that other people have twins, I resent the fact that I only have one of mine here.

Oddly enough, I am also obsessed with twins, and if I ever hear of something bad happening to a twin I have to constantly check to make sure they are both ok. I know, it's confusing in my own mind, too.

I have a friend I've never even met, but I call her a friend, who lives states away and has twin girls, and they mean more to me than I can put into words. It doesn't hurt me to look at their pictures, because I am just so glad they are both here, and healthy. One of them had cancer, and was very sick, and the thought of their mother knowing the pain that I know was terrifying. So to know she is better and can now be a regular kid with her twin sister is an amazing feeling.

I have let this resentment interfere with friendships. Friends that have had twins after me, I struggle to be around. I sometimes have a panic attack if I know twins are going to be somewhere that I'm going.

I can only relate it to the fact that it makes me face my reality, and sometimes I think my mind tries to hide from that reality. So when I am forced to see what I should still have, it hurts, and its scary.

But, I love twins. I think they are an incredible blessing to anyone who is lucky enough to have them. And, if you have twins, I don't want you to think you have to avoid me at all costs, because you really don't. Part of my fear is that I will cry around twins, which will then make the parents feel guilty, which will then make me feel even more guilty, and its just a downhill spiral. So if you have twins and are around me, please know I don't love you any less, nor your children. And that if I cry, it's only because I miss my own son, and the memories we could have had. It's not because you upset me.

You may think that I sound like a horrible, mean person, but I'm really not. I've just been through things that have changed the ways that I think about life. Some in positive ways, and some still in negative ways that I'm doing my best to overcome.

One thing is a sure fact though....greed, hate, anger, and resentment all tend to lead to one thing: regret.

I regret so many things. I regret decisions that I made as a teenager that changed the way people who had known me forever looked at me. I regret taking life for granted. There are people I have hurt in my past, and I regret that as well.

Some people say to have no regrets, because your decisions made you who you are. I agree to an extent, because the things I regret did change my ways. They changed they way I think, act, speak to others, and my relationship with God. And although I am thankful for that, I still regret them.

The mistakes that I have made help me to teach my children mistakes that they should not make. And I can't guarantee that they won't, but I can pray they don't.

And even though I struggle with these things, I am happy with my life. I can see how blessed I am, even when I feel I don't deserve to be. I pray that those I have hurt in the past truly can forgive me, and know that I am not the same person I once was.

By the way, I also have trouble being open and letting people see this side of me, because it's a side that I struggle with on a daily basis. But I want to be a better person, and I know this is a step in that direction.

All I can do is take life one step at a time; one day at a time; and thank God for everything that He has given me. Thank Him for His forgiveness, time and time again. Thank Him for His faithfulness, in never leaving my side when I need Him the most. I thank Him for the family and friends He has surrounded me with. And thank Him for the gift of motherhood, and every moment that has come with it.

<3

Here Comes 1st Grade & Pre-K3!

It's time for a new school year! I can't believe I am now the mommy of a 1st grader! 

Wait...is that really even possible? It seems like just yesterday Makenna was a tiny little baby, still relying on me fully to make it through her days. 

Now that sweet little baby has grown into a spunky, energetic, independent little 6 year old. She has the best imagination, and loves everything and everyone. She is passionate, and is an amazing big sister. I couldn't be more proud!

We are excited for this upcoming school year, and have decided that we will continue to home-school as a family. We aren't actually starting our school year until we get back from vacation mid-September. 

The kids (and us parents, too!) can't wait for our beach trip! It's been years since we have been able to go to the beach for an entire week, and we will be doing that the 2nd week of September. It's a much anticipated, and deserved, trip! 

But, when we do return, we will start our 2014-2015 school year, and are excited to incorporate Kaisyn and Mikah into the school routine, too! 

Kaisyn has grown up so much in the last year, and she continues to amaze me every day. Of all of my kids, she is the most dramatic, opinionated, and tender-hearted. She is sensitive, sassy, and has a heart of gold. She loves very deeply, until you tell her no or hurt her feelings. Then, she will let you know you have upset her, and sounds more like a 13 year old than a 3 year old! 

Kaisyn will be doing a pre-K3 program here at home. She absolutely loves to "do school", and asks daily if we get to start school today. She is very smart, and learns quickly. I don't plan to be strict and force her to do more than she is ready to do, since she is still so young. But, while she is excited to learn and wants to participate in school daily, I plan to make it as fun as possible while giving her the best head start that I can! 

But, we will have to see just how much this little diva will actually let me teach her, before she starts trying to teach me! ;) 

As for Mikah, I am hoping that seeing the girls doing their schoolwork will make him interested as well. I won't force him, either, since he is only 2. But the curriculum I am using for Kaisyn incorporates so many fun little learning games, I am hoping that he will start to pick up things from it, and enjoy it daily as well! 

Mikah is also very smart, like his big sisters, but he is much more energetic than the girls. It's quite a feat to try and get him to sit still for any period of time! And, if you take your eyes off of him for a second, you are bound to find him getting into something that he shouldn't! 

I guess I can call it "creativity", but that little boy will find a way to get anything he wants. We had brownies in the kitchen not too long ago, and I had them in the pan, covered in plastic wrap and foil, and out of reach of all 3 of the kids. Mikah was sitting at the little table in the kitchen coloring, while the girls and I were reading a book in the living room, just around the corner. He was super quiet, so I snuck around to peek at him, only to find that he had built himself a ladder (his little chair, then a bigger kitchen table chair), and was sitting on the counter eating the brownies. He had managed to move the chairs so slowly that we never even heard him! Sneaky, sneaky, sneaky!

Back in May, we went to the beach for a long weekend. We came back on a Sunday, and Dustin returned to work the next day, leaving me to unpack. I got up before the kids, and went ahead and showered. After my shower, I got the kids up, and let them play for a few minutes while I finished getting ready. Mikah had ventured into my room, where all of our luggage still was, and was just sitting on my bed talking to me. We had taken all of our medicine in a little cooler, and it was still with all of the luggage, in the corner of our bedroom. 

I walked back into the bathroom to put on lotion, and was in there for honestly maybe 30 seconds to a minute. When I came back out, Mikah was sitting facing the wall, and I asked him what he was doing, just being silly. I figured he was just trying to hide, and didn't think he could have possibly been up to something that quickly. 

When he turned around, he proceeded to hand me an EMPTY box of Sudafed (which had been over half full when he found it). He had eaten 11 12-hour, slow release sudafed tablets. I absolutely panicked! He was acting fine at the time, but then again they were slow release, and he had just eaten them. I had no clue what to do, so I called poison control, who told me to hang up immediately and call 911. 

Within minutes, 2 different ambulances pulled up, and 2 paramedics looked over Mikah while the other 2 had to search our bedroom to make sure he hadn't just hidden the pills. We didn't find any of them, so Mikah, the girls, and I all got to take a very expensive ride in an ambulance to the local hospital. 

Even though I was a complete mess, and feeling like the absolute worst mother in the entire world, the kids loved the ambulance! The girls thought it was the best thing ever, and Mikah still talks about it today. He wasn't to thrilled while he was in it, though, because he had to stay hooked up to the pulse-ox machine, and was strapped to that bed. 

At the hospital, Mikah basically just ended up getting extremely "high", and it was terrifying to see as his mother. He was seeing things that weren't there, and couldn't sit up without falling over. He had to drink a yummy chocolate milk and charcoal "milkshake", which he loved somehow, and that helped soak up the rest of the medicine in his stomach. Then it was just an 8-hour wait, to make sure he didn't have any other side effects, and that he was less out of it. And after a good, long nap, the sillies were gone and he was back to his smiley self, thank God! 

Needless to say, with Mikah, I can't even take a potty-break without taking him with me. He is adventurous, care-free, and completely fearless! But, he is also one of the sweetest and most loving little boys. 

My favorite part about homeschooling is watching day to day what my kids are learning. It's an amazing feeling to watch them accomplish something new, and see the pride and joy in their eyes, and know that you are the one that taught it to them. And I've learned this statement to be very, very true: God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called. 

I have patience, yes, but no more than any other mother out there. And do I need a break sometimes?! More than you know! Everyone does! But, when I lost Khoen, I was forced to face the reality that tomorrow is never promised. Not for me, not for my kids, not for anyone. We can only appreciate every little moment today, and be ready for when we are called home. 

Therefore, I enjoy being able to spend my days with my children, and teaching them the things they will need to know as they grow up. I enjoy teaching them about love, about respect, and about God, and why we love Him. 

I feel blessed to have to opportunity to watch my babies grow into independent children. And I can't wait to watch what this year will hold, and see where our adventures will take us. 

Here's to an amazing school year for everyone! :)

I Can Only Imagine.

"I can only imagine
What it will be like,
When I walk
By your side.
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see,
When your face
Is before me."

Tonight, driving home in the car alone, I heard this song for the millionth time. And, once again, as it has multiple times recently, it made me cry.

Today has been a day full of little reminders of Khoen. Well, some little and some huge. All of my kids are signed up for the Toys R Us Birthday Club, and not ever thinking that I would lose one of my children, of course the twins were signed up as well when they were born.

We are only 13 days away from February 7. From my boys' 2nd birthdays. I can't even type those words without tears. I'm not ready. We got in the mail today both of their Birthday Club envelopes, with little $3 off coupons inside. One addressed to Mikah, and one to Khoen.

It's so hard to figure out what I want and need to do in these situations. With the girls, its always an exciting, "Yay, look! We can use this and take you on your birthday to pick a special prize!" And with Mikah its the same. But, what do I do with Khoens? I feel guilty just cancelling Khoens and keeping Mikahs. Not to mention, it isn't exactly easy to call or email people and tell them that he died, so we don't need to get these anymore. In a way, as much as it hurts sometimes, it's nice to be reminded that other people know he was real, too. People who don't even know him.

But, its hard to get a letter addressed to him in the mail and not have him here to give it to. I want to badly to see him now. I want to know what his hair would be like...brown like it was at birth, or blonde like Mikahs. Curly like Kaisyns, or straight like Makennas. I just want to know all the little details of his personality, like I do the other kids. I want to hold him. I want to hug him. I want to watch him blow out his candles and eat his cake. And sometimes it just hurts.

Driving with Makenna today, we saw a funeral procession right near where Khoen is buried. We stopped of course, out of respect, and she had her regular hundred questions about why we were stopping when the stoplight was green. I explained to her that it was a funeral, and that's why all the cars had their flashers on.

"Like Khoen's funeral, mommy?"

I told her that yes, it was just like that. That family had someone that they love very much go to Heaven, and they are going to the cemetery like we did for Khoen.

"Will they see Khoen at the cemetery, mommy? Will they stop and say hey to him?"

I told her they may, but that they may not know who Khoen is. They are thinking of their loved one today, and that's ok.

"I think they should go see Khoen, mommy. They would love him, like I do. I miss him, mommy."

I miss him too. So incredibly much.

Then I heard that song, and again I thought of little Khoen. I thought of how amazing it must have been to close your eyes to sleep, and wake up to see Jesus' face. Sometimes my earthly mind makes me wonder if he was scared. If he was sad that he was leaving us, and if he was afraid to not have his mommy. But I know he wasn't. I'm sure he wasn't.

I thought of Grandmom and Grandad up in Heaven. I thought again of how excited Grandmom had been about the twins. I thought about how much she wanted to meet them. I thought about how tightly she must have hugged him, and how happy he must have been to meet her. I know Grandad has made him a Carolina fan, too, even from Heaven, and even against his daddy's Duke-loving ways.

Sometimes it still hurts a lot, too, to think of how much Grandmom would have loved Mikah, and how much he would adore her. And Kaisyn would, too. She was too little to remember them, and it hurts, because they were such important people to me.

But I know that we will see them again. I know that when they get to Heaven, they will know who Grandmom and Grandad are, and they will recognize Khoen, too. And someday I will get to see my twins side by side again, as they should be.

I'm not sure yet how I am going to get through their birthday weekend. I'm really not. I wish I could say that I feel stronger this year than I did last year, so I will be just fine. But, that would be a lie. I feel more scared this year than I did last year. I am just not ready. There are so many sets of twins around me, and as fun as it is to watch them grow up, its so hard sometimes. That should have been me, too. That should have been my boys.

My girls are best friends. They share a room, they laugh and giggle. They play barbies and mermaids, and dress up together. They are always telling Mikah he can't play because hes a boy. Of course I have tried to help them play with him, too, and they do. They adore him, as he does them. But, I feel like he is missing his best friend. He should have a roommate, too. He should have someone to play cars with, and to fight with, and to get into trouble with.

My heart just hurts tonight.

I am praying for the strength to get through the weekend of the 7th. I honestly don't know if I will make it out of the house. I feel terrible for having nothing planned for Mikah yet again, and having no presents bought yet. I've tried, and I just start feeling sick and overwhelmed, and I have to stop.

I am planning to do a joint party for him and Kaisyn at the beginning of March, since their birthdays aren't that far apart. We've planned on Mickey and Minnie for a while now, since he is obsessed with anything and everything Mickey Mouse, and Kaisyn absolutely loves her Minnie Mouse! Hopefully after I make it through Mikah and Khoens birthday, I will be able to pull myself back together and get it planned and ready.

I know I will make it through. I know that I am not alone, and that He will carry me through. But I admit that I am scared. I am back to the no-sleep and nightmares, and feeling sick all the time. I have headaches everyday, and I know its from stressing myself out. I have pulled away from people that I love, and I don't mean it to hurt anyone. I have just had to focus 100% of my energy on my family in order to make sure I am giving them the best of me, which sometimes I still feel isn't good enough.

That's where the other song I heard tonight comes in.

"You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You are made for so much more than all of this.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His.
You're beautiful."

I know that if I raise my children to know that they are beautiful, they are treasured in His eyes as well as mine, that I will have done something right. As long as they know they are deserving of Heaven, they are made for Heaven, they are made for more than this world can ever bring them, I will have done my best for them.

Beyond the hurt, beyond the tears, I am blessed. I know that. I have 3 absolutely amazing children asleep in their beds right now, and one precious, perfect little angel whom has been closeby me all night. I am blessed. And I can't thank the Lord enough for that.

I will be ok. I will make it through Khoens birthday, and I will find stronger days again.

I'll do it for Makenna, Kaisyn, Mikah, and my sweet Khoen. <3

Snuggles.

My sick kids saga continues. But, my eyes have once again been reopened. 

When Mikah first began throwing up! we attributed it to his cough from having the croup! and it may well have been just that. But, he was given a steroid shot which helped his croup tremendously, and he continued to throw up daily when he was given solid food.

Monday, he woke up feeling rotten, with an upset stomach from the start, and was totally lethargic and pitiful. We gave him something to drink, and it was in his diaper in a matter of minutes. When that started to slow down, we stuck with pedialyte for hours until he was asking for food. I figured he had a stomach bug on top of everything else, so we stuck with strict BRAT diet, and only gave him toast. Immediately after eating one piece, his entire stomach contents was emptied onto poor Victoria, the chair, and the rug....then a second time on the carpet within seconds. 

But after, he begged for food again. Tuesday, he woke up smiling and without nasty diapers, so I was hopeful he was improving. Tried a BRAT breakfast, but it didn't stay down. He drank and it stayed in just fine, and he was starving, so we tried another BRAT lunch. Again, in the middle of eating, it was everywhere. By this point, he was down almost 3 pounds, begging for food that wouldn't stay in, and absolutely pitiful. If called the doctor, and made him an appointment for Wednesday morning. 

When he woke up yesterday, he was not himself at all. He was completely lethargic, wouldn't stand, wouldn't smile, wouldn't speak....and I was scared. We went to the doctor, and he agreed that this wasn't right. Stomach bugs usually start with uncontrollable puking, then end with an upset tummy, and usually  are accompanied by appetite loss and fever. Mikah had thrown up when eating for 7 days straight. But, only when eating and no other time. 

He sent us over to Levines, where we didn't have to wait in the ER and were taken straight back, thank God. It took 6 pokes to successfully get an IV in because he was so dehydrated at this point. His blood sugar was extremely low, and they gave him sugar before IV fluids to try and bring it up. His body was too acidic, and they were hopeful a round of IV fluids would flush that out too. It was after another round of labs and a urine sample, along with a still puny baby that wouldn't even hold his head up, that they told me he was being admitted and they were moving us upstairs to our home on the 10th floor. 

Being in a hospital is no fun, especially with a little one who has no clue what is going on. And all I could think of was being in Hemby with Khoen, just 2 weeks before he passed away. As overwhelming as watching your baby be poked, cathed, and miserable is, add the thoughts of "Wow, this is just like what happened to Khoen" into the mix, and it created an emotional mess of a momma. Khoen was admitted for lethargy...puking...just feeling rotten. And now here I sat with Mikah. 

Originally, they were sending us to Hemby, and I broke down in front of our absolutely amazing pediatrician. I told him that honestly, I didn't think I could go stay there overnight with Mikah. He understood, and didn't question a bit, and called Levines instead. Love that doctor. 

Needless to say, by today Mikah had seen enough nurses to last him a lifetime, and he was DONE. He is grumpy, and continuously tried to pull out his own IV. He has fought temperature checks, screamed bloody murder when taking his pulse and oxygen, and lost his voice over having multiple more blood draws because the acidic levels just weren't going down like the doctors wanted. 

I sit here now thinking about all of this. And, as crazy as this sounds, I ask myself if I have given myself a chance to enjoy this time with Mikah. Have I truly thanked God for just letting him be here in my arms, and thanking Him for the extra cuddles? Have I been too caught up in the "I can't handle this" mindset to fully be there for Mikah? 

That, too, just takes me back to Khoen. The last day I spent with him, he was fussy. But, Khoen was fussy, so I thought it was normal. I thought I just had him spoiled rotten, which I did. Did I truly let myself enjoy the snuggles that day, or did I just want to throw my hands up and say, "I can't make him stop crying!", and let that take over my state of mind? 

That question breaks my heart, because if I could do it again, I would love on that baby even more than I did (which, I ended up holding him all day...even while Victoria and I dug in the closet for clothes and bags to pack for Charleston). I would have told him 1,000 more times how much I love him, and how special he is, and that it's ok to cry. I'm mommy, and that's why I'm here. I'm here to comfort you when you just want to scream. I'm here to hold you until the ouchies are all gone. Did I make Khoen feel that that last day? 

Does Khoen know that I left, not because I wanted to leave him and his brother, but because I needed to reassure the girls that I am still their mommy, too, and they still mean the world to me as well? Does he think I just disappeared, and didn't tell him goodnight the night he closed his eyes for the last time? 

I try so hard not to ever let these questions cross my mind. But, Mikah being put in the hospital made them all come up. Sometimes, my life overwhelms me. Listening to Mikah scream, "Mommy, hold you!", as he cries at the top of his lungs because he wants me to hold him...but nurses have to hold him down to put an IV in his foot because all 5 pokes in his arms and hands were unsuccessful, is more than I could take. I cried. Then, when it was over, I held him close until he was ok. 

My point is this: When life gets overwhelming, and you feel like you need to be on the crazy floor because you can't take seeing your kids in pain, or can't handle what's going on....just thank God that you have them in your arms. Hold them as close as you can, and just let them cry. Cry with them if you have to, just be thankful for that moment with them, as hard as it can be. 

As mommy, I can't necessarily make this go away, but I can promise Mikah and my girls that I will always be here through the hardest times and the tears, just to hold them and give them all of my love. And I pray that Khoen knows I would do the same for him. 

Tonight, I'm thankful for the snuggles I got back in May of 2012 with Khoen! sleeping in that not-so-comfy hospital bed, yet having the most comforting nights of my life. Because then, Khoen was here, and I was here for Khoen. 

Stay closeby tonight, sweet Khoen. I feel that tug...you hugging my heart. 

Thank you, Lord, for my kids. <3

Setting my burden's free.

Is it summer again yet?! I am over the cool/cold weather...my little ones absolutely cannot get these yucky germs out of their systems!

Mikah got sick well over a month ago, then Kaisyn, then Makenna, then Mikah again. All with nasty colds, which of course were transferred to mommy, too!

Everyone recovered but Mikah, who ended up with a bad ear infection and feeling terrible. As soon as we started to get him better, Kaisyn got his cold AGAIN.

We were all well and healthy again for a little over a week, when Mikah started running a fever again. He had yet another ear infection, but some antibiotics cleared him up. Then it was Makenna with the fever again starting last Wednesday. She had a sore throat, but no strep, and ran a fever through Saturday. Saturday morning, Kaisyn woke up throwing up, and has had a nasty tummy since. And today, after Makenna woke up with a tummy ache, Mikah woke up with ANOTHER fever.

No kidding, I feel like I am going insane. We absolutely can't catch a break! Makenna was ok by this evening, and should be fine to go to school in the morning. But I am keeping Kaisyn home, because she has still had a yucky tummy and lots of tummy aches today. Its no fun when your 2 year old consistently tells you she needs to "grow up", and goes to stand with her head over the toilet.

Tonight I did manage to get her to do a little dance party with me, which was fun to see. She has laid around most of the day, as well as all weekend, so it was fun to see her smiling again. I am praying so hard that means that she is on the other side of this stuff, and will wake up tomorrow feeling like her happy little sweetest-girl-in-the-world self.

With Mikah, I can't tell if its his ear again, or his back molars. I didn't even consider teeth at first, since he is almost 2, but he has been very grumpy for the past few days, and I gave him a sucker earlier that he literally just chewed with his back gums...where his molars haven't come through yet. So I am curious if the random fever spike and the extreme screaming and clinginess is due to his little teeth hurting him!

If you came into my house right now, you would probably run away screaming. But, its next to impossible to get anything at all done with 3 sick kids. One of them has to be on my lap constantly, or someone is crying, or someone is nauseous, or someone has spiked a fever and needs medicine, or someone is crying because something hurts....it has been never-ending. I have had to say countless prayers for strength, and I admit, I have taken a few "potty breaks" to go into the bathroom and cry my eyes out (for the 2 minutes I can get away) because it feels overwhelming. This is really the first time all 3 have been so sick at the same time, and it's been tough.

It was AMAZING to have Dustin here over the weekend to help with everything, and to keep me sane. But he was back at work today, and thank God I did have some help from my mom this morning, and Victoria this afternoon. You have no clue how much you appreciate a friend coming to sit with your kids so you can shower until you have 3 under 5 that are all super needy on your hands!

Tonight I was held the first meeting for my downline in Origami Owl, which was fun. I am excited to have such an amazing team of ladies, that I can now call my friends. This company has been such a blessing to me, and I am so thankful that Dustin was supportive when I told him I wanted to take this adventure on, and give it a try. It's been a great 11 months with the company!

It's also been such a good outlet for me, and a way to share Khoen's story daily. I have my Khoen locket, that has his picture in the back, and I wear it to all of my events and around daily. That way, whenever anyone asks about my locket, I get to tell them about Khoen, and it makes him feel so much closer to me. I can't even describe that feeling.

Tonight, when I was feeling weak and in need of prayers, a sweet aunt of mine sent me a verse that couldn't have been more relevant to the moment I was in.

Have you never heard or understood? Don't you know that the Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth? He never grows faint or weary. No one can measure the depths of His understanding. He gives power to those who are tired and worn out; He offers strength to the weak. Isaiah 40:28-29

After almost a full week of at least one child coming into my bed in the middle of the night, either with something hurting or coughing constantly, getting so behind on sleep, feeling overwhelmed by sickness, and being completely stressed out to the point of feeling like breaking down, that's exactly what I needed to hear.

Its amazing sometimes how someone can send you something and it can immediately make you feel differently. I forgot for a moment that I didn't have to carry this around with me. I don't have to shoulder this sickness and my children's extra needs this week on my own. I have someone who is willing to carry me through it all, and shoulder my burdens for me, if I will just turn it over to Him.

And tonight, that is what I am doing, whole-heartedly. He knows when I am too weak, and He knows how to make me feel strong enough to take on the world again.

How lucky is my son to know Him face to face. <3