Snuggles.

My sick kids saga continues. But, my eyes have once again been reopened. 

When Mikah first began throwing up! we attributed it to his cough from having the croup! and it may well have been just that. But, he was given a steroid shot which helped his croup tremendously, and he continued to throw up daily when he was given solid food.

Monday, he woke up feeling rotten, with an upset stomach from the start, and was totally lethargic and pitiful. We gave him something to drink, and it was in his diaper in a matter of minutes. When that started to slow down, we stuck with pedialyte for hours until he was asking for food. I figured he had a stomach bug on top of everything else, so we stuck with strict BRAT diet, and only gave him toast. Immediately after eating one piece, his entire stomach contents was emptied onto poor Victoria, the chair, and the rug....then a second time on the carpet within seconds. 

But after, he begged for food again. Tuesday, he woke up smiling and without nasty diapers, so I was hopeful he was improving. Tried a BRAT breakfast, but it didn't stay down. He drank and it stayed in just fine, and he was starving, so we tried another BRAT lunch. Again, in the middle of eating, it was everywhere. By this point, he was down almost 3 pounds, begging for food that wouldn't stay in, and absolutely pitiful. If called the doctor, and made him an appointment for Wednesday morning. 

When he woke up yesterday, he was not himself at all. He was completely lethargic, wouldn't stand, wouldn't smile, wouldn't speak....and I was scared. We went to the doctor, and he agreed that this wasn't right. Stomach bugs usually start with uncontrollable puking, then end with an upset tummy, and usually  are accompanied by appetite loss and fever. Mikah had thrown up when eating for 7 days straight. But, only when eating and no other time. 

He sent us over to Levines, where we didn't have to wait in the ER and were taken straight back, thank God. It took 6 pokes to successfully get an IV in because he was so dehydrated at this point. His blood sugar was extremely low, and they gave him sugar before IV fluids to try and bring it up. His body was too acidic, and they were hopeful a round of IV fluids would flush that out too. It was after another round of labs and a urine sample, along with a still puny baby that wouldn't even hold his head up, that they told me he was being admitted and they were moving us upstairs to our home on the 10th floor. 

Being in a hospital is no fun, especially with a little one who has no clue what is going on. And all I could think of was being in Hemby with Khoen, just 2 weeks before he passed away. As overwhelming as watching your baby be poked, cathed, and miserable is, add the thoughts of "Wow, this is just like what happened to Khoen" into the mix, and it created an emotional mess of a momma. Khoen was admitted for lethargy...puking...just feeling rotten. And now here I sat with Mikah. 

Originally, they were sending us to Hemby, and I broke down in front of our absolutely amazing pediatrician. I told him that honestly, I didn't think I could go stay there overnight with Mikah. He understood, and didn't question a bit, and called Levines instead. Love that doctor. 

Needless to say, by today Mikah had seen enough nurses to last him a lifetime, and he was DONE. He is grumpy, and continuously tried to pull out his own IV. He has fought temperature checks, screamed bloody murder when taking his pulse and oxygen, and lost his voice over having multiple more blood draws because the acidic levels just weren't going down like the doctors wanted. 

I sit here now thinking about all of this. And, as crazy as this sounds, I ask myself if I have given myself a chance to enjoy this time with Mikah. Have I truly thanked God for just letting him be here in my arms, and thanking Him for the extra cuddles? Have I been too caught up in the "I can't handle this" mindset to fully be there for Mikah? 

That, too, just takes me back to Khoen. The last day I spent with him, he was fussy. But, Khoen was fussy, so I thought it was normal. I thought I just had him spoiled rotten, which I did. Did I truly let myself enjoy the snuggles that day, or did I just want to throw my hands up and say, "I can't make him stop crying!", and let that take over my state of mind? 

That question breaks my heart, because if I could do it again, I would love on that baby even more than I did (which, I ended up holding him all day...even while Victoria and I dug in the closet for clothes and bags to pack for Charleston). I would have told him 1,000 more times how much I love him, and how special he is, and that it's ok to cry. I'm mommy, and that's why I'm here. I'm here to comfort you when you just want to scream. I'm here to hold you until the ouchies are all gone. Did I make Khoen feel that that last day? 

Does Khoen know that I left, not because I wanted to leave him and his brother, but because I needed to reassure the girls that I am still their mommy, too, and they still mean the world to me as well? Does he think I just disappeared, and didn't tell him goodnight the night he closed his eyes for the last time? 

I try so hard not to ever let these questions cross my mind. But, Mikah being put in the hospital made them all come up. Sometimes, my life overwhelms me. Listening to Mikah scream, "Mommy, hold you!", as he cries at the top of his lungs because he wants me to hold him...but nurses have to hold him down to put an IV in his foot because all 5 pokes in his arms and hands were unsuccessful, is more than I could take. I cried. Then, when it was over, I held him close until he was ok. 

My point is this: When life gets overwhelming, and you feel like you need to be on the crazy floor because you can't take seeing your kids in pain, or can't handle what's going on....just thank God that you have them in your arms. Hold them as close as you can, and just let them cry. Cry with them if you have to, just be thankful for that moment with them, as hard as it can be. 

As mommy, I can't necessarily make this go away, but I can promise Mikah and my girls that I will always be here through the hardest times and the tears, just to hold them and give them all of my love. And I pray that Khoen knows I would do the same for him. 

Tonight, I'm thankful for the snuggles I got back in May of 2012 with Khoen! sleeping in that not-so-comfy hospital bed, yet having the most comforting nights of my life. Because then, Khoen was here, and I was here for Khoen. 

Stay closeby tonight, sweet Khoen. I feel that tug...you hugging my heart. 

Thank you, Lord, for my kids. <3