I'm not going to lie, I have struggled with seeing posts today about October being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. And it's not because I don't feel there should be a month dedicated to such, but I guess because it stirs emotions in me that I try to keep under the surface most days.
I had originally decided I wasn't going to post anything this month. Not in any way out of disrespect to Khoen or to any other families who have faced losses similar to mine, but because I didn't think I was strong enough to bring those emotions back to the surface at this time.
But then I realized the feelings were already there anyways, and it's such a common thing, and it deserves to be talked about. Khoen deserves to be talked about.
Five years, 4 months, and 2 days ago, I never imagined I'd ever know the pain of losing a child. I never thought I'd know the pain of miscarriage. Of course I worried about SIDS, I think every parent does to an extent. But I also never felt it could happen to me.
Makennas pregnancy had gone well, and she came at 37 weeks with no complications. I watched her sleep and breathe as a baby, and she made it through that "scary SIDS time frame" where you have to worry about this unknown crazy thing that can take your child away at any given moment.
Then I had Kaisyn. The pregnancy also went well, and she came at 37 weeks as well, with no complications. She did have a few issues after her birth, and has to spend some extra time in the hospital, but she was ok.
And then I had the twins. They came at 2 months early, and spent a few weeks in the NICN, but they were ok. Khoen was hospitalized less than 2 weeks before his death, but Makenna also was hospitalized as a baby for RSV, and that was scary but she came through fine and was ok after.
And while Khoen still had some issues with his soft spot after coming home, I never thought he could die. That just doesn't happen to my children, and not to me. There's just no way.
So when I left for Charleston with one of my best friends, her son, and my girls, just for a one night trip, I never imagined anything could happen to my sweet boys while I was gone. Call it naive, but how was I supposed to know?
But Khoen did die. On June 2, 2012, while I was hours away in Charleston. It was no ones fault. Autopsies ruled out everything. There was no reason. He was perfect. He was healthy. And then he was just gone.
A part of me died that day, too. So did a part of my family. Everything changed. Our entire family dynamic. My whole life.
I've never known that kind of pain. There are no words to adequately describe it. It makes you physically sick. It makes you unable to see color, unable to hear the world around you, unable to see what's right in front of you. It's terrifying.
It took weeks for me to even learn to take baby steps again. Not hours, not days, WEEKS. I didn't even face my other children at first. I couldn't.
My life slowly became the new normal that it would forever be. Yes, I've mentally gotten to a better place. I've learned things I never imagined I'd have to learn. I don't take life for granted. I hold my children closer. I love stronger and harder than I did before. But not all changes ended in a positive way.
I developed anxiety that is crippling at times. I started having panic attacks I never had before. I knew that things you think can't happen to you, CAN. And that was hard to swallow. It still is.
In 2014, I became pregnant again. I was both terrified and elated. I wanted that baby. I loved that baby. And as I've said in a previous blog, I started writing letters to that baby from the day those positive lines showed up.
Then in May, at only around 6 weeks pregnant, I started bleeding and cramping, and I knew it was bad. I was in so much pain, and I was SO sick, and I was miserable. A test of my HCG levels, then another 3 days later, showed exactly what I feared. I was miscarrying.
They gave me a pill to speed the process. The doctor called it the "abortion" pill. I'll never forget that. I didn't take it. I chose to wait it out, and suffer through what proved to be the second hardest obstacle of my life.
When I became pregnant, I didn't think I could miscarry. I mean, I had just lost a baby to SIDS. Plus, I had always had healthy pregnancies, why would this be different?
That's the thing. It doesn't discriminate, and it doesn't matter how many babies you've had, what race you are, how old you are, it can happen to anyone. And it's so much more common than people realize.
After my miscarriage, I found out so many people I know had been through that pain as well. It's heartbreaking.
Love your babies. Enjoy your pregnancies, even the worst days. Hug those little ones, even when their all day crying drives you loony. If you're blessed with multiples, don't complain about how it's so stressful and terrible. Just know you're so blessed, and don't take any bit of it for granted.
If you know someone who has lost a baby or gone through a miscarriage, love them. Pray for them. Just be there. Don't tell them "At least you have other children." Could you choose one of your children to just live without?
And if you are struggling with loss, be it a baby you never got to meet or one you only held in your arms for a short time, please know you aren't alone. I'm praying for you. I'm thinking of you. And not only you, but your sweet babies as well. They will never be forgotten.
I'll always love you, Khoen Lee, and the baby I never got to hold. Always. I'll never allow you to be forgotten. I'll always be a mom to twins. And I can't wait see you again in Heaven.
Sunday, October 1, 2017
Monday, September 18, 2017
My Sweet Mak
I have so much on my mind tonight. I should be trying to get some sleep, but I can't stop the wheels in my head from turning.
It's hard when your kids are having issues. It's harder when you have no clue how to help. Being a mom can be so tricky, because we are always second guessing ourselves and wondering if we are totally screwing up or getting at least a few things right.
It's been a rough start to the school year for Makenna. She doesn't want the world to know what she's struggled with the past few weeks, so I won't go into detail. Those who know her best and who she was comfortable with me telling already know anyways. But she's had a hard few weeks.
She missed a day the first week of school, and we tried not to stress it, even though we knew it was way too early for an absence. She was written out by the doctor anyways.
We were back at the doctor twice the next week, and she was written out for 3 more days after Labor Day, while we did all we could to get her feeling better, and get rid of the yuck. And by that Friday, she was able to go back to school, and though she wasn't 100%, she was doing pretty well.
She's had a hard time with her best friend from last year moving away, too. Being homeschooled from kindergarten until 3rd grade, she had friends, but they have always really been the children of my friends, and they are some awesome kids. She adores them.
But when she went into Hawks Nest, she became friends with Gaby on the first day she was there, which was already 2 weeks into the school year. It just continued from there.
They had play dates and sleepovers, and she would spend all day with her, just to come home and FaceTime her until she had to go to bed. And they still face time, just not quite as often, since we are back in the school & early bedtime routine, and both girls are trying to figure out their new normals.
So she's been sick, and she feels like she lost her best friend, and she's just been a little sad.
Last Tuesday, we had to make an emergency trip to the orthodontist one morning before school, because she knocked a bracket off her braces the night before. And she seemed fine at that appointment, but when we got to school after that, she had a panic attack out of nowhere over me leaving her there. It was heartbreaking for me as her mom to watch. I had already signed her in, and a sweet teacher who actually had been at my school back when I was in elementary school took her, and told me to go ahead and go, and she would get Makenna calmed down and into class.
When you're child is a baby, and they cry for you when you leave, it hurts and it's so hard. When they are 9, and fully aware of how they feel, and you have to leave them crying, it's an absolutely horrible feeling.
I'm a preschool teacher, and I know from my kids at school that 9 times out of 10, VERY soon after the parent leaves, the child is 100% ok, and is able to have a great day. And the teacher who took Makenna that morning had assured me if she didn't get ok, she would call me, so I knew she was in good hands. But it hurt so much to drive away.
I never got a call, and she was perfectly fine that afternoon. She had recovered super fast, and said she had no clue why she felt that way, and that she was ok.
Starting the next day, I've been getting phone calls daily from her school because of a new issue she's dealing with. It was as simple as taking her medicine last week, but today, I got 5 phone calls, and finally had to go and get her out just a little before dismissal.
My feelings are torn. I know she's at an age where she knows she can pull strings and get away with certain things, and don't get me wrong...she's a very smart and tricky little girl! But, I know her better than anyone else in this world does. And in my heart, I truly don't believe she is making it up.
She just hasn't been herself lately. I can't decide if it's just her growing up and changing from the happy, smiley, always energetic little sweetheart she has always been into a slower paced, less smiley, wants to be alone in her room more often pre-teen...or if there's just something else going on that we haven't figured out yet. But I can assure you one thing: I won't rest until I know for sure.
She's the one who made me a mom. She's the one who got me through some of the hardest times of my life. She's kept me going when I didn't think I could. She's wiped my tears and held me, just as I've done countless times for her. She is truly one of the greatest gifts that God has ever given to me.
So tomorrow, I will take the little 2 to school since their school starts earlier, and pick them back up a little after 9 so that all 3 can go to the dentist. Then I'll take them back to school, and take my sweet girl to the doctor, to see if we can once again figure out just what is going on.
Her well check is next Wednesday, and I had originally hoped to wait until then to have her checked out. But after today, and talking to the doctors office, it's best that she's seen tomorrow, so that's what we will do.
This little girl and her math-centered super brain are going to change the world someday. And I can't wait to sit back and watch it happen. All this will be a distant memory then, and we absolutely won't let a rocky start to 4th grade hold her back.
Her middle name is Faith for a reason...<3
It's hard when your kids are having issues. It's harder when you have no clue how to help. Being a mom can be so tricky, because we are always second guessing ourselves and wondering if we are totally screwing up or getting at least a few things right.
It's been a rough start to the school year for Makenna. She doesn't want the world to know what she's struggled with the past few weeks, so I won't go into detail. Those who know her best and who she was comfortable with me telling already know anyways. But she's had a hard few weeks.
She missed a day the first week of school, and we tried not to stress it, even though we knew it was way too early for an absence. She was written out by the doctor anyways.
We were back at the doctor twice the next week, and she was written out for 3 more days after Labor Day, while we did all we could to get her feeling better, and get rid of the yuck. And by that Friday, she was able to go back to school, and though she wasn't 100%, she was doing pretty well.
She's had a hard time with her best friend from last year moving away, too. Being homeschooled from kindergarten until 3rd grade, she had friends, but they have always really been the children of my friends, and they are some awesome kids. She adores them.
But when she went into Hawks Nest, she became friends with Gaby on the first day she was there, which was already 2 weeks into the school year. It just continued from there.
They had play dates and sleepovers, and she would spend all day with her, just to come home and FaceTime her until she had to go to bed. And they still face time, just not quite as often, since we are back in the school & early bedtime routine, and both girls are trying to figure out their new normals.
So she's been sick, and she feels like she lost her best friend, and she's just been a little sad.
Last Tuesday, we had to make an emergency trip to the orthodontist one morning before school, because she knocked a bracket off her braces the night before. And she seemed fine at that appointment, but when we got to school after that, she had a panic attack out of nowhere over me leaving her there. It was heartbreaking for me as her mom to watch. I had already signed her in, and a sweet teacher who actually had been at my school back when I was in elementary school took her, and told me to go ahead and go, and she would get Makenna calmed down and into class.
When you're child is a baby, and they cry for you when you leave, it hurts and it's so hard. When they are 9, and fully aware of how they feel, and you have to leave them crying, it's an absolutely horrible feeling.
I'm a preschool teacher, and I know from my kids at school that 9 times out of 10, VERY soon after the parent leaves, the child is 100% ok, and is able to have a great day. And the teacher who took Makenna that morning had assured me if she didn't get ok, she would call me, so I knew she was in good hands. But it hurt so much to drive away.
I never got a call, and she was perfectly fine that afternoon. She had recovered super fast, and said she had no clue why she felt that way, and that she was ok.
Starting the next day, I've been getting phone calls daily from her school because of a new issue she's dealing with. It was as simple as taking her medicine last week, but today, I got 5 phone calls, and finally had to go and get her out just a little before dismissal.
My feelings are torn. I know she's at an age where she knows she can pull strings and get away with certain things, and don't get me wrong...she's a very smart and tricky little girl! But, I know her better than anyone else in this world does. And in my heart, I truly don't believe she is making it up.
She just hasn't been herself lately. I can't decide if it's just her growing up and changing from the happy, smiley, always energetic little sweetheart she has always been into a slower paced, less smiley, wants to be alone in her room more often pre-teen...or if there's just something else going on that we haven't figured out yet. But I can assure you one thing: I won't rest until I know for sure.
She's the one who made me a mom. She's the one who got me through some of the hardest times of my life. She's kept me going when I didn't think I could. She's wiped my tears and held me, just as I've done countless times for her. She is truly one of the greatest gifts that God has ever given to me.
So tomorrow, I will take the little 2 to school since their school starts earlier, and pick them back up a little after 9 so that all 3 can go to the dentist. Then I'll take them back to school, and take my sweet girl to the doctor, to see if we can once again figure out just what is going on.
Her well check is next Wednesday, and I had originally hoped to wait until then to have her checked out. But after today, and talking to the doctors office, it's best that she's seen tomorrow, so that's what we will do.
This little girl and her math-centered super brain are going to change the world someday. And I can't wait to sit back and watch it happen. All this will be a distant memory then, and we absolutely won't let a rocky start to 4th grade hold her back.
Her middle name is Faith for a reason...<3
Sunday, August 20, 2017
A New School Year...
A week from today, I'll be tucking my girls into bed early for their first day of school. Mikah, as a kindergartner, gets an extra 2 and a half days with mommy, but my big 4th and 1st graders will be off to make new friends and memories, and tonight, my momma heart feels really sad.
I'm so excited for the kids. Makenna got the teacher she prayed for, and is over the moon to have one of her best friends from 3rd grade in her class again this year. She can't wait for school to start back, but I am still in denial that my baby girl only has this year and next in elementary school, and I can't yet talk about where she goes from there without tears.
And this year, with Kaisyn and Mikah going into school as well, it will be my first year not homeschooling the kids, and that's where the momma heartache comes in right now. Last year was tough enough sending my biggest girl into school...this year, I've got to wave goodbye to 3 big kids as they walk through those doors.
I am going to miss homeschooling and having that time with the kids more than my heart can express. It was such a special gift, and such a blessing, and those memories will be forever cherished in my heart. There were many thoughts that went into making the decision to put all 3 into school, and it wasn't easy.
Makenna is such a social little sweetheart. She makes friends with anyone and everyone, and she never meets a stranger. She thrives off of having friends, and when she was presented the opportunity to attend Hawks Nest last year, although it was hard to let go of that time with her, I knew it was right. It was a blessing, and she absolutely loved it. I'm so thankful now for the decision we made then.
Kaisyn is a bit different. She has her struggles, but is truly the sweetest, most gentle hearted child I've ever met. Her battles are within herself, and she is working through them in counseling. Her counselor and I have had many conversations about where her anxiety and attachment issues come from, and both feel it has to do with losing Khoen when she was so young, and our lives changing so drastically, so quickly.
You may think she was too young to be affected...she was only barely over 14 months old when he died. Just a baby herself.
Kaisyn was her daddy's sidekick as a baby most of the time, because I became pregnant with the twins when she was only a little over 3 months old. Totally unplanned and unexpected, but entirely worth it. Once I get as further along, it was harder holding her and caring for her, so Dustin did an amazing job being daddy.
But from the time Kaisyn was around 8 months old, she did NOT like crowds, or family get togethers, or really being somewhere away from home with other people in general. We would go to family parties, and she would scream and scream, and Dustin or I one would have to sit outside or in a separate room with her and play Baby Einstein movies on our phone just to calm her down. We would leave her with others to run an errand, and get a call within 20 minutes that she absolutely wouldn't calm down, and have to go pick her back up.
She got a little better as she got closer to her first birthday, because she started to understand that even though there were other people around, she could still stay with Dustin or I, and be content as long as no one touched her. Some things never change I guess, because if you know my girl, you know she's very picky still about being touched!
So imagine being a baby who was already overly scared of unknown situations and people, who suddenly had 2 little brothers who changed everything she knew about our family dynamic, and learning to adjust to that. Then, only 4 months later, one of those babies dying...and though she had NO clue what that meant or what had happened, I know she, just like Mikah, felt the loss. But more specifically, she felt the change that occurred.
Happy days of being home with mommy, sissy, and her brothers, turned into spending weeks at pa and nanoos house, while mommy constantly cried and couldn't be around, and daddy was quiet and needed his space as well. Social workers coming in and out and not having a clue who they were or why they kept coming.
We survived, and we are over 5 years down that road now. But she has some anxieties that she is still learning to work through. She's so excited for school, and keeps saying she can't wait to find her friends. My prayer for her is that she will dig deep down inside to the bravery and strength we've been trying to build up within her, so she will have the courage to speak to the other kids, and show them just what a sweet and incredible little girl she is.
She doesn't know I'm fearful, she only knows of my excitement for her. But I'm her mama bear, and she's my girl, and when she gets scared there's just no one else she wants. So I pray her counseling and her repetitive words to herself will be remembered in those scary (to her) situations at school, and she will thrive. Oh, but I'll miss those sweet and consistent hugs while we did kindergarten last year.
And my little Mikah. Is it sad that just typing that made the tears flow?
It's not even just that he's my baby, although that's incredibly hard as well. He's had so many firsts without Khoen, and each time I had my little cry to myself, and felt the loss, and thought of what could have been...what should have been. But I haven't yet felt a loss quite like this.
He's starting school. He's told me he's nervous to find a friend. And he's told me more than once he wishes Khoen was here so he would have a friend on his first day. Oh how I wish that too, my sweet boy.
I find myself looking online or in stores at backpacks and wondering if he would have chosen to match Mikah, or if he would have wanted something different. Would he be goofy and loud like Mikah and Makenna, or quiet and shy like Kaisyn? My heart still feels he would have been more like Kaisyn, and been the calm to what can be quite the Mikah storm.
I miss him. My heart hurts for him. It hurts for the should have beens. I debated on even sharing my letter I wrote to him, but I'm going to, because I know I'm not the only mom hurting during this back to school season.
Dear Khoen,
I hope you know I didn't forget you. Not once. Not during the backpack hunting. Not during the clothes and shoe shopping. You were on my mind every single time.
I saw shirts that just made me think of you. Some I bought for your brother, but some I just couldn't, because it hurt too much. Then I always wonder if that makes you more sad, and if I'm doing right by you with all of the decisions I make. It's hard. I just miss you.
I sat and watched the ocean the other day, and just listened to the waves. Somehow I was listening for you. I just kept praying I'd hear you. That I would somehow feel you. And I know you were there.
I find myself again just searching everywhere for signs from you. Signs that I've made you proud. I hear your sisters and brothers tell me they love me. They make me the sweetest and most beautiful cards that tell me I'm the best mom ever, but I always somehow find myself searching for your name scribbled on the bottom.
I always wonder if I showed you enough in your 4 months just how special you were to me. Just how much I loved you. As a mom, you think you'll have a lifetime to show that to your child. I never imagined my time with you would be so limited.
There were bunk beds in the basement at the beach, plus a trundle bed and a pull out couch bed. There was so much room. I thought of you. I know you would have loved it.
We found sand dollars and I thought of you. I saw your big sisters and your brother and your cousins, and how excited they all were. I wish I could have seen your excitement too, but I know you were watching.
My heart wonders if you miss me like I miss you. I know the answer. I know that I'll be with you someday, and it will be like we were never apart. But getting to that day is painful, Khoen, because I miss you. I miss saying your name. I miss hearing it.
I talked the other day about the trip I took your sisters on to Charleston, the day before you died. I was telling about how Kaisyn loved the ocean and just wanted to crawl off into it, and for the first time since that trip, I didn't cry when I thought of it. I actually smiled. And I felt the same tug on my heart. And I have to believe it was you telling me it's ok to remember being happy that day. June 1, 2012. That day was a happy day. Your sisters were happy. I was happy. Your daddy was happy. Mikah was happy. You were happy. None of us knew.
Sometimes I wonder if you knew. I'll always be sorry that I left you. I'll always feel guilty for not being here for your dad and your brother.
But I'll never, ever forget you. Not for a second.
Sometimes I see things and your name just pops into my head, and I notice I'm smiling, and I can't figure out how. I know it has to be you.
I hope you know how perfect you are. I get to tell your sisters everyday how beautiful they are, and your brother how incredible handsome he is. I hope you know I always mean that to you, too.
Sometimes now I see dark brown hairs in your brothers blond head, and I wonder if maybe you two would have looked alike after all. He misses you so much, Khoen. I know he feels where you should be beside him, and maybe he still feels you there. Sometimes I wish I knew just what his little heart did feel, and yours.
Sometimes I wonder if you see me being happy with your siblings and feel like I'm leaving you out. But I never forget you. I always wish you were with us, too.
I want you to know I haven't forgotten you're a kindergartner this year, too. That's huge. My twins, my boys, are 5 years old. Time has flown so quickly. But I hope you always know I love you both just the same.
Because of you, your brother and sisters get extra hugs and kisses every single day. I look at them with a new set of eyes, because you taught me that being a mom means loving on through heart ache and through grief and through tears, and not taking a single moment for granted. Even if it's just singing and being silly to make shower time more fun, they get that because of you.
Be with your brother on his first day in kindergarten. Help him find his friend. And help your sister out, too, and remind her that she's braver than she realizes. And I know you're always with your biggest sissy, because she lets me know. Thank you for that.
I'm so thankful for you, Khoen. I'm so incredibly glad that I have the privilege to call you my son. And I love you more than all of the words in this world can express. I miss you, and I never forget you, not during any single day that goes by.
I'll love you forever, and I'll keep looking for your little signs until the day I see you again, and can once again hold you in my arms.
Love Always,
Mommy
This year is going to be a whole new experience. I have to let go of my little ones a bit, and help them experience the world in a new way. But my heart is also happy because I get to love on a class of 1-2 year olds during the days. They will be my little mini "homeschoolers", just in a preschool! And their parents don't even know it, but they each will help heal my heart a little more, too, and I am incredibly thankful to be able to spend that time occupying my mind and my heart by teaching those sweet little ones, and loving on them while they are in my care.
I know in my heart that as scary as change seems sometimes, it can be totally worth it. And I can't wait to see where this adventure takes us. Just pray for my mommy heart as we get there. 💕
I'm so excited for the kids. Makenna got the teacher she prayed for, and is over the moon to have one of her best friends from 3rd grade in her class again this year. She can't wait for school to start back, but I am still in denial that my baby girl only has this year and next in elementary school, and I can't yet talk about where she goes from there without tears.
And this year, with Kaisyn and Mikah going into school as well, it will be my first year not homeschooling the kids, and that's where the momma heartache comes in right now. Last year was tough enough sending my biggest girl into school...this year, I've got to wave goodbye to 3 big kids as they walk through those doors.
I am going to miss homeschooling and having that time with the kids more than my heart can express. It was such a special gift, and such a blessing, and those memories will be forever cherished in my heart. There were many thoughts that went into making the decision to put all 3 into school, and it wasn't easy.
Makenna is such a social little sweetheart. She makes friends with anyone and everyone, and she never meets a stranger. She thrives off of having friends, and when she was presented the opportunity to attend Hawks Nest last year, although it was hard to let go of that time with her, I knew it was right. It was a blessing, and she absolutely loved it. I'm so thankful now for the decision we made then.
Kaisyn is a bit different. She has her struggles, but is truly the sweetest, most gentle hearted child I've ever met. Her battles are within herself, and she is working through them in counseling. Her counselor and I have had many conversations about where her anxiety and attachment issues come from, and both feel it has to do with losing Khoen when she was so young, and our lives changing so drastically, so quickly.
You may think she was too young to be affected...she was only barely over 14 months old when he died. Just a baby herself.
Kaisyn was her daddy's sidekick as a baby most of the time, because I became pregnant with the twins when she was only a little over 3 months old. Totally unplanned and unexpected, but entirely worth it. Once I get as further along, it was harder holding her and caring for her, so Dustin did an amazing job being daddy.
But from the time Kaisyn was around 8 months old, she did NOT like crowds, or family get togethers, or really being somewhere away from home with other people in general. We would go to family parties, and she would scream and scream, and Dustin or I one would have to sit outside or in a separate room with her and play Baby Einstein movies on our phone just to calm her down. We would leave her with others to run an errand, and get a call within 20 minutes that she absolutely wouldn't calm down, and have to go pick her back up.
She got a little better as she got closer to her first birthday, because she started to understand that even though there were other people around, she could still stay with Dustin or I, and be content as long as no one touched her. Some things never change I guess, because if you know my girl, you know she's very picky still about being touched!
So imagine being a baby who was already overly scared of unknown situations and people, who suddenly had 2 little brothers who changed everything she knew about our family dynamic, and learning to adjust to that. Then, only 4 months later, one of those babies dying...and though she had NO clue what that meant or what had happened, I know she, just like Mikah, felt the loss. But more specifically, she felt the change that occurred.
Happy days of being home with mommy, sissy, and her brothers, turned into spending weeks at pa and nanoos house, while mommy constantly cried and couldn't be around, and daddy was quiet and needed his space as well. Social workers coming in and out and not having a clue who they were or why they kept coming.
We survived, and we are over 5 years down that road now. But she has some anxieties that she is still learning to work through. She's so excited for school, and keeps saying she can't wait to find her friends. My prayer for her is that she will dig deep down inside to the bravery and strength we've been trying to build up within her, so she will have the courage to speak to the other kids, and show them just what a sweet and incredible little girl she is.
She doesn't know I'm fearful, she only knows of my excitement for her. But I'm her mama bear, and she's my girl, and when she gets scared there's just no one else she wants. So I pray her counseling and her repetitive words to herself will be remembered in those scary (to her) situations at school, and she will thrive. Oh, but I'll miss those sweet and consistent hugs while we did kindergarten last year.
And my little Mikah. Is it sad that just typing that made the tears flow?
It's not even just that he's my baby, although that's incredibly hard as well. He's had so many firsts without Khoen, and each time I had my little cry to myself, and felt the loss, and thought of what could have been...what should have been. But I haven't yet felt a loss quite like this.
He's starting school. He's told me he's nervous to find a friend. And he's told me more than once he wishes Khoen was here so he would have a friend on his first day. Oh how I wish that too, my sweet boy.
I find myself looking online or in stores at backpacks and wondering if he would have chosen to match Mikah, or if he would have wanted something different. Would he be goofy and loud like Mikah and Makenna, or quiet and shy like Kaisyn? My heart still feels he would have been more like Kaisyn, and been the calm to what can be quite the Mikah storm.
I miss him. My heart hurts for him. It hurts for the should have beens. I debated on even sharing my letter I wrote to him, but I'm going to, because I know I'm not the only mom hurting during this back to school season.
Dear Khoen,
I hope you know I didn't forget you. Not once. Not during the backpack hunting. Not during the clothes and shoe shopping. You were on my mind every single time.
I saw shirts that just made me think of you. Some I bought for your brother, but some I just couldn't, because it hurt too much. Then I always wonder if that makes you more sad, and if I'm doing right by you with all of the decisions I make. It's hard. I just miss you.
I sat and watched the ocean the other day, and just listened to the waves. Somehow I was listening for you. I just kept praying I'd hear you. That I would somehow feel you. And I know you were there.
I find myself again just searching everywhere for signs from you. Signs that I've made you proud. I hear your sisters and brothers tell me they love me. They make me the sweetest and most beautiful cards that tell me I'm the best mom ever, but I always somehow find myself searching for your name scribbled on the bottom.
I always wonder if I showed you enough in your 4 months just how special you were to me. Just how much I loved you. As a mom, you think you'll have a lifetime to show that to your child. I never imagined my time with you would be so limited.
There were bunk beds in the basement at the beach, plus a trundle bed and a pull out couch bed. There was so much room. I thought of you. I know you would have loved it.
We found sand dollars and I thought of you. I saw your big sisters and your brother and your cousins, and how excited they all were. I wish I could have seen your excitement too, but I know you were watching.
My heart wonders if you miss me like I miss you. I know the answer. I know that I'll be with you someday, and it will be like we were never apart. But getting to that day is painful, Khoen, because I miss you. I miss saying your name. I miss hearing it.
I talked the other day about the trip I took your sisters on to Charleston, the day before you died. I was telling about how Kaisyn loved the ocean and just wanted to crawl off into it, and for the first time since that trip, I didn't cry when I thought of it. I actually smiled. And I felt the same tug on my heart. And I have to believe it was you telling me it's ok to remember being happy that day. June 1, 2012. That day was a happy day. Your sisters were happy. I was happy. Your daddy was happy. Mikah was happy. You were happy. None of us knew.
Sometimes I wonder if you knew. I'll always be sorry that I left you. I'll always feel guilty for not being here for your dad and your brother.
But I'll never, ever forget you. Not for a second.
Sometimes I see things and your name just pops into my head, and I notice I'm smiling, and I can't figure out how. I know it has to be you.
I hope you know how perfect you are. I get to tell your sisters everyday how beautiful they are, and your brother how incredible handsome he is. I hope you know I always mean that to you, too.
Sometimes now I see dark brown hairs in your brothers blond head, and I wonder if maybe you two would have looked alike after all. He misses you so much, Khoen. I know he feels where you should be beside him, and maybe he still feels you there. Sometimes I wish I knew just what his little heart did feel, and yours.
Sometimes I wonder if you see me being happy with your siblings and feel like I'm leaving you out. But I never forget you. I always wish you were with us, too.
I want you to know I haven't forgotten you're a kindergartner this year, too. That's huge. My twins, my boys, are 5 years old. Time has flown so quickly. But I hope you always know I love you both just the same.
Because of you, your brother and sisters get extra hugs and kisses every single day. I look at them with a new set of eyes, because you taught me that being a mom means loving on through heart ache and through grief and through tears, and not taking a single moment for granted. Even if it's just singing and being silly to make shower time more fun, they get that because of you.
Be with your brother on his first day in kindergarten. Help him find his friend. And help your sister out, too, and remind her that she's braver than she realizes. And I know you're always with your biggest sissy, because she lets me know. Thank you for that.
I'm so thankful for you, Khoen. I'm so incredibly glad that I have the privilege to call you my son. And I love you more than all of the words in this world can express. I miss you, and I never forget you, not during any single day that goes by.
I'll love you forever, and I'll keep looking for your little signs until the day I see you again, and can once again hold you in my arms.
Love Always,
Mommy
This year is going to be a whole new experience. I have to let go of my little ones a bit, and help them experience the world in a new way. But my heart is also happy because I get to love on a class of 1-2 year olds during the days. They will be my little mini "homeschoolers", just in a preschool! And their parents don't even know it, but they each will help heal my heart a little more, too, and I am incredibly thankful to be able to spend that time occupying my mind and my heart by teaching those sweet little ones, and loving on them while they are in my care.
I know in my heart that as scary as change seems sometimes, it can be totally worth it. And I can't wait to see where this adventure takes us. Just pray for my mommy heart as we get there. 💕
Friday, June 23, 2017
Don't Blink
I can remember so clearly, like it truly was yesterday, being overwhelmed by diapers and crying toddlers, and constantly having a little one on my hip. The days were long and chaotic, and there were times I thought it would never end.
There was such a big part of me then that wanted the "easier" times...all the kids potty trained, everyone knows what "no" means, and cooking one meal, serving plates, and no quirky little toddler requests.
I loved every second of my little ones being so tiny and needing me so much, but I think every mom who is going through those days wonders if they will truly survive.
When the twins were born, I had four children under the age of 4. And Khoen passed away almost 2 months before Makenna turned 4, so even then there were still 3 under 4, plus a broken mama.
I remember Kaisyn learning to walk. It was after she had turned 1, and I thought wow, now things will be better, because 2 can walk! Then, on his first birthday, Mikah took his first steps, and I just knew this was what I needed! All 3 can walk and play independently and life is going to be cake!....
Kaisyn was potty trained much sooner than Makenna...Makenna was stubborn and was almost 4 before she actually even started trying. I was terrified to even start with Kaisyn, but she made it so easy! She hated having a dirty diaper, so when I introduced the little potty, she took it up so quickly, I really don't even remember having to reward her more than a week for going, and she was able to wear panties! So I knew then I was down to 1 in diapers....I mean, I had this!
Then by the time he turned 3, Mikah was fully potty trained, and I thought to myself wow, I did it! I survived the diaper days, and all of my kids can talk to me and hold little conversations, and I will never miss changing so many diapers!
Makenna will be 9 in barely over a month, Kaisyn is 6, and Mikah is 5. Is that actually even possible? Sometimes videos come up on my Facebook "On This Day" and I'm like there's no way that was 3 years ago! That seriously seems like last week!
I can hear their little voices, the funny little words they would say when they meant something else, and the way they would tell me they love me in those tiny baby voices.
Makenna wanted me to hold her earlier, so I picked her up....all 63 pounds of her! And I thought to myself, there's no way this is the same tiny little baby girl I held so many years ago!
Life surely has changed. Now the battles are with attitudes, strong wills, and children who know much more than their mommy does...
They are so amazing. Absolutely incredible. And I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams.
All 3 begged to sleep with me tonight, and since it's a Friday, and it's summer, I have 1 in my bed, and 2 in my floor, and all 3 are snoring and happy. They still love me, and I'm still their best friend.
I know the upcoming years will bring a whole new set of challenges, so I'm going to soak in these years for now. I can't believe all 3 will be going to school this year. My tiny Mikah, a kindergartner....is that actually real life?!
But when I registered him, they gave him a little book to take home to practice for Kindergarten, and he is so smart. He's been working in that book without even being told to every day since, and practicing his letters and numbers, and he amazes me with how quickly he learns. Smart just like his sisters.
I honestly feel like I blinked, and 4 years have passed, and my life has been speeding right out from under my feet. So many memories, but they all seem like yesterday. I pray they always do.
So mamas, if you're in the chaos of multiple little ones, and the days seem long and like the other side is lightyears away, please don't blink. Don't wish them away. Because I promise they will be long gone before you even know it.
I know, mine are still babies (to me at least), but they are a whole different version of challenging. And again, I love every second.
There was such a big part of me then that wanted the "easier" times...all the kids potty trained, everyone knows what "no" means, and cooking one meal, serving plates, and no quirky little toddler requests.
I loved every second of my little ones being so tiny and needing me so much, but I think every mom who is going through those days wonders if they will truly survive.
When the twins were born, I had four children under the age of 4. And Khoen passed away almost 2 months before Makenna turned 4, so even then there were still 3 under 4, plus a broken mama.
I remember Kaisyn learning to walk. It was after she had turned 1, and I thought wow, now things will be better, because 2 can walk! Then, on his first birthday, Mikah took his first steps, and I just knew this was what I needed! All 3 can walk and play independently and life is going to be cake!....
Kaisyn was potty trained much sooner than Makenna...Makenna was stubborn and was almost 4 before she actually even started trying. I was terrified to even start with Kaisyn, but she made it so easy! She hated having a dirty diaper, so when I introduced the little potty, she took it up so quickly, I really don't even remember having to reward her more than a week for going, and she was able to wear panties! So I knew then I was down to 1 in diapers....I mean, I had this!
Then by the time he turned 3, Mikah was fully potty trained, and I thought to myself wow, I did it! I survived the diaper days, and all of my kids can talk to me and hold little conversations, and I will never miss changing so many diapers!
Makenna will be 9 in barely over a month, Kaisyn is 6, and Mikah is 5. Is that actually even possible? Sometimes videos come up on my Facebook "On This Day" and I'm like there's no way that was 3 years ago! That seriously seems like last week!
I can hear their little voices, the funny little words they would say when they meant something else, and the way they would tell me they love me in those tiny baby voices.
Makenna wanted me to hold her earlier, so I picked her up....all 63 pounds of her! And I thought to myself, there's no way this is the same tiny little baby girl I held so many years ago!
Life surely has changed. Now the battles are with attitudes, strong wills, and children who know much more than their mommy does...
They are so amazing. Absolutely incredible. And I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams.
All 3 begged to sleep with me tonight, and since it's a Friday, and it's summer, I have 1 in my bed, and 2 in my floor, and all 3 are snoring and happy. They still love me, and I'm still their best friend.
I know the upcoming years will bring a whole new set of challenges, so I'm going to soak in these years for now. I can't believe all 3 will be going to school this year. My tiny Mikah, a kindergartner....is that actually real life?!
But when I registered him, they gave him a little book to take home to practice for Kindergarten, and he is so smart. He's been working in that book without even being told to every day since, and practicing his letters and numbers, and he amazes me with how quickly he learns. Smart just like his sisters.
I honestly feel like I blinked, and 4 years have passed, and my life has been speeding right out from under my feet. So many memories, but they all seem like yesterday. I pray they always do.
So mamas, if you're in the chaos of multiple little ones, and the days seem long and like the other side is lightyears away, please don't blink. Don't wish them away. Because I promise they will be long gone before you even know it.
I know, mine are still babies (to me at least), but they are a whole different version of challenging. And again, I love every second.
Friday, February 24, 2017
Lucky
Tonight, I was laying down trying to relax, and I just had so many thoughts and emotions, I decided to come here to share a few.
I have days when life feels unbearable. I think anyone with anxiety probably does. The twins birthday...that was probably the worst I've had in YEARS.
I thought I was handling things well. I was ok the days leading up to February 7, cried a little the night before because I missed Khoen and just still can't believe they are FIVE.....but nothing too crazy. I was fine that morning when we all started our day. Spent a few hours with one of my best friends, and played with Kaisyn, Mikah, and the baby I babysit during the day.
Then, out of no where, I couldn't breathe. I don't mean just a little short of breath....I felt like something was sitting on my chest, and I was breathing through a straw, and it was terrifying. I tried to stand up and instantly thought I was going to pass out. So I called my lovely mother (she's always quick the the rescue, I'm so blessed to have her!) and she came to watch the kids and try to calm me down.
My chest hurt so badly that I honestly thought maybe I was having a heart attack. I called the babies grandmother, and she headed our way, too. Then, we called 911.
Long story short, that was apparently my first real, out-of-nowhere panic attack, and it was so scary! Once medicine kicked in to calm me down, I felt better, just sick and exhausted. But I learned that holding in my emotions obviously doesn't suit me well.
I thought I could be stronger this year for Mikah. But I don't think I'm ready to be supermom just yet. I would rather shed more tears on the hard days than hold it in and go through that again!
But man, I'm so lucky to have the incredible people and support system in my life that I do. From my family, to best friends who are like family, and extended family (like the sweet boy I babysit for...his family is extended family!), I am surrounded by absolutely incredible people!
Tonight I went to help one of my best friends pack some boxes and take them to their new house, closer to me I might add (yay!), and she gave me the sweetest gift! A bracelet, with an elephant because she knows me so well, that says "One of a kind" and "I'm so lucky to have you"....I loved it instantly, but once I got home and showed it off to my hubby and kiddos, it hit me how much it really meant to me. We've been friends now for over 10 years, and for a few of those years, she and her family lived in a different state. But, she was ALWAYS there. I called her on some of the hardest nights of my life, and she always just listened, and helped me through. I love her, and I am incredibly thankful for our friendship.
Then of course that bracelet made my heart think of how lucky I am. I've been through hell, and still wouldn't say I've come out on the other side completely. But I'm still standing, and that's because of all of the people who have helped me along the way.
I'm in many ways still not the person I want to be. I'm easy to take advantage of, because I don't like to tell people no, or hurt people. I hate making people angry. There are people who have made me feel used, and worthless, and invaluable. And that's ok.
It's ok because there are people who help me remember I'm worth something. My kids, every single day when they hug me and smile at me and want me to just sit and hold them. I sure will miss these times when they are older so I soak up as much of it as I can right now! My family, who is there when I can't seem to find my way out of the dark. And my best friends, when they tell me they are lucky to have me...because I often feel so, so lucky to have them, but it feels nice to know they feel the same about me!
So if you've ever listened to me, or helped me through a rough patch, or given me a hug when all I could do was cry, thank you. Sincerely. I may not always be the best at showing how thankful I am, but I really am. And I love you.
And Kristin, thank you. I'm the lucky one, trust me. I can't wait to see what shenanigans the future holds for our friendship! I love you! 💕
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)