My Sweet Mak

I have so much on my mind tonight. I should be trying to get some sleep, but I can't stop the wheels in my head from turning.

It's hard when your kids are having issues. It's harder when you have no clue how to help. Being a mom can be so tricky, because we are always second guessing ourselves and wondering if we are totally screwing up or getting at least a few things right.

It's been a rough start to the school year for Makenna. She doesn't want the world to know what she's struggled with the past few weeks, so I won't go into detail. Those who know her best and who she was comfortable with me telling already know anyways. But she's had a hard few weeks.

She missed a day the first week of school, and we tried not to stress it, even though we knew it was way too early for an absence. She was written out by the doctor anyways.

We were back at the doctor twice the next week, and she was written out for 3 more days after Labor Day, while we did all we could to get her feeling better, and get rid of the yuck. And by that Friday, she was able to go back to school, and though she wasn't 100%, she was doing pretty well.

She's had a hard time with her best friend from last year moving away, too. Being homeschooled from kindergarten until 3rd grade, she had friends, but they have always really been the children of my friends, and they are some awesome kids. She adores them.

But when she went into Hawks Nest, she became friends with Gaby on the first day she was there, which was already 2 weeks into the school year. It just continued from there.

They had play dates and sleepovers, and she would spend all day with her, just to come home and FaceTime her until she had to go to bed. And they still face time, just not quite as often, since we are back in the school & early bedtime routine, and both girls are trying to figure out their new normals.

So she's been sick, and she feels like she lost her best friend, and she's just been a little sad.

Last Tuesday, we had to make an emergency trip to the orthodontist one morning before school, because she knocked a bracket off her braces the night before. And she seemed fine at that appointment, but when we got to school after that, she had a panic attack out of nowhere over me leaving her there. It was heartbreaking for me as her mom to watch. I had already signed her in, and a sweet teacher who actually had been at my school back when I was in elementary school took her, and told me to go ahead and go, and she would get Makenna calmed down and into class.

When you're child is a baby, and they cry for you when you leave, it hurts and it's so hard. When they are 9, and fully aware of how they feel, and you have to leave them crying, it's an absolutely horrible feeling.

I'm a preschool teacher, and I know from my kids at school that 9 times out of 10, VERY soon after the parent leaves, the child is 100% ok, and is able to have a great day. And the teacher who took Makenna that morning had assured me if she didn't get ok, she would call me, so I knew she was in good hands. But it hurt so much to drive away.

I never got a call, and she was perfectly fine that afternoon. She had recovered super fast, and said she had no clue why she felt that way, and that she was ok.

Starting the next day, I've been getting phone calls daily from her school because of a new issue she's dealing with. It was as simple as taking her medicine last week, but today, I got 5 phone calls, and finally had to go and get her out just a little before dismissal.

My feelings are torn. I know she's at an age where she knows she can pull strings and get away with certain things, and don't get me wrong...she's a very smart and tricky little girl! But, I know her better than anyone else in this world does. And in my heart, I truly don't believe she is making it up.

She just hasn't been herself lately. I can't decide if it's just her growing up and changing from the happy, smiley, always energetic little sweetheart she has always been into a slower paced, less smiley, wants to be alone in her room more often pre-teen...or if there's just something else going on that we haven't figured out yet. But I can assure you one thing: I won't rest until I know for sure.

She's the one who made me a mom. She's the one who got me through some of the hardest times of my life. She's kept me going when I didn't think I could. She's wiped my tears and held me, just as I've done countless times for her. She is truly one of the greatest gifts that God has ever given to me.

So tomorrow, I will take the little 2 to school since their school starts earlier, and pick them back up a little after 9 so that all 3 can go to the dentist. Then I'll take them back to school, and take my sweet girl to the doctor, to see if we can once again figure out just what is going on.

Her well check is next Wednesday, and I had originally hoped to wait until then to have her checked out. But after today, and talking to the doctors office, it's best that she's seen tomorrow, so that's what we will do.

This little girl and her math-centered super brain are going to change the world someday. And I can't wait to sit back and watch it happen. All this will be a distant memory then, and we absolutely won't let a rocky start to 4th grade hold her back.

Her middle name is Faith for a reason...<3