My sick kids saga continues. But, my eyes have once again been reopened.
When Mikah first began throwing up! we attributed it to his cough from having the croup! and it may well have been just that. But, he was given a steroid shot which helped his croup tremendously, and he continued to throw up daily when he was given solid food.
Monday, he woke up feeling rotten, with an upset stomach from the start, and was totally lethargic and pitiful. We gave him something to drink, and it was in his diaper in a matter of minutes. When that started to slow down, we stuck with pedialyte for hours until he was asking for food. I figured he had a stomach bug on top of everything else, so we stuck with strict BRAT diet, and only gave him toast. Immediately after eating one piece, his entire stomach contents was emptied onto poor Victoria, the chair, and the rug....then a second time on the carpet within seconds.
But after, he begged for food again. Tuesday, he woke up smiling and without nasty diapers, so I was hopeful he was improving. Tried a BRAT breakfast, but it didn't stay down. He drank and it stayed in just fine, and he was starving, so we tried another BRAT lunch. Again, in the middle of eating, it was everywhere. By this point, he was down almost 3 pounds, begging for food that wouldn't stay in, and absolutely pitiful. If called the doctor, and made him an appointment for Wednesday morning.
When he woke up yesterday, he was not himself at all. He was completely lethargic, wouldn't stand, wouldn't smile, wouldn't speak....and I was scared. We went to the doctor, and he agreed that this wasn't right. Stomach bugs usually start with uncontrollable puking, then end with an upset tummy, and usually are accompanied by appetite loss and fever. Mikah had thrown up when eating for 7 days straight. But, only when eating and no other time.
He sent us over to Levines, where we didn't have to wait in the ER and were taken straight back, thank God. It took 6 pokes to successfully get an IV in because he was so dehydrated at this point. His blood sugar was extremely low, and they gave him sugar before IV fluids to try and bring it up. His body was too acidic, and they were hopeful a round of IV fluids would flush that out too. It was after another round of labs and a urine sample, along with a still puny baby that wouldn't even hold his head up, that they told me he was being admitted and they were moving us upstairs to our home on the 10th floor.
Being in a hospital is no fun, especially with a little one who has no clue what is going on. And all I could think of was being in Hemby with Khoen, just 2 weeks before he passed away. As overwhelming as watching your baby be poked, cathed, and miserable is, add the thoughts of "Wow, this is just like what happened to Khoen" into the mix, and it created an emotional mess of a momma. Khoen was admitted for lethargy...puking...just feeling rotten. And now here I sat with Mikah.
Originally, they were sending us to Hemby, and I broke down in front of our absolutely amazing pediatrician. I told him that honestly, I didn't think I could go stay there overnight with Mikah. He understood, and didn't question a bit, and called Levines instead. Love that doctor.
Needless to say, by today Mikah had seen enough nurses to last him a lifetime, and he was DONE. He is grumpy, and continuously tried to pull out his own IV. He has fought temperature checks, screamed bloody murder when taking his pulse and oxygen, and lost his voice over having multiple more blood draws because the acidic levels just weren't going down like the doctors wanted.
I sit here now thinking about all of this. And, as crazy as this sounds, I ask myself if I have given myself a chance to enjoy this time with Mikah. Have I truly thanked God for just letting him be here in my arms, and thanking Him for the extra cuddles? Have I been too caught up in the "I can't handle this" mindset to fully be there for Mikah?
That, too, just takes me back to Khoen. The last day I spent with him, he was fussy. But, Khoen was fussy, so I thought it was normal. I thought I just had him spoiled rotten, which I did. Did I truly let myself enjoy the snuggles that day, or did I just want to throw my hands up and say, "I can't make him stop crying!", and let that take over my state of mind?
That question breaks my heart, because if I could do it again, I would love on that baby even more than I did (which, I ended up holding him all day...even while Victoria and I dug in the closet for clothes and bags to pack for Charleston). I would have told him 1,000 more times how much I love him, and how special he is, and that it's ok to cry. I'm mommy, and that's why I'm here. I'm here to comfort you when you just want to scream. I'm here to hold you until the ouchies are all gone. Did I make Khoen feel that that last day?
Does Khoen know that I left, not because I wanted to leave him and his brother, but because I needed to reassure the girls that I am still their mommy, too, and they still mean the world to me as well? Does he think I just disappeared, and didn't tell him goodnight the night he closed his eyes for the last time?
I try so hard not to ever let these questions cross my mind. But, Mikah being put in the hospital made them all come up. Sometimes, my life overwhelms me. Listening to Mikah scream, "Mommy, hold you!", as he cries at the top of his lungs because he wants me to hold him...but nurses have to hold him down to put an IV in his foot because all 5 pokes in his arms and hands were unsuccessful, is more than I could take. I cried. Then, when it was over, I held him close until he was ok.
My point is this: When life gets overwhelming, and you feel like you need to be on the crazy floor because you can't take seeing your kids in pain, or can't handle what's going on....just thank God that you have them in your arms. Hold them as close as you can, and just let them cry. Cry with them if you have to, just be thankful for that moment with them, as hard as it can be.
As mommy, I can't necessarily make this go away, but I can promise Mikah and my girls that I will always be here through the hardest times and the tears, just to hold them and give them all of my love. And I pray that Khoen knows I would do the same for him.
Tonight, I'm thankful for the snuggles I got back in May of 2012 with Khoen! sleeping in that not-so-comfy hospital bed, yet having the most comforting nights of my life. Because then, Khoen was here, and I was here for Khoen.
Stay closeby tonight, sweet Khoen. I feel that tug...you hugging my heart.
Thank you, Lord, for my kids. <3
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Monday, November 11, 2013
Setting my burden's free.
Is it summer again yet?! I am over the cool/cold weather...my little ones absolutely cannot get these yucky germs out of their systems!
Mikah got sick well over a month ago, then Kaisyn, then Makenna, then Mikah again. All with nasty colds, which of course were transferred to mommy, too!
Everyone recovered but Mikah, who ended up with a bad ear infection and feeling terrible. As soon as we started to get him better, Kaisyn got his cold AGAIN.
We were all well and healthy again for a little over a week, when Mikah started running a fever again. He had yet another ear infection, but some antibiotics cleared him up. Then it was Makenna with the fever again starting last Wednesday. She had a sore throat, but no strep, and ran a fever through Saturday. Saturday morning, Kaisyn woke up throwing up, and has had a nasty tummy since. And today, after Makenna woke up with a tummy ache, Mikah woke up with ANOTHER fever.
No kidding, I feel like I am going insane. We absolutely can't catch a break! Makenna was ok by this evening, and should be fine to go to school in the morning. But I am keeping Kaisyn home, because she has still had a yucky tummy and lots of tummy aches today. Its no fun when your 2 year old consistently tells you she needs to "grow up", and goes to stand with her head over the toilet.
Tonight I did manage to get her to do a little dance party with me, which was fun to see. She has laid around most of the day, as well as all weekend, so it was fun to see her smiling again. I am praying so hard that means that she is on the other side of this stuff, and will wake up tomorrow feeling like her happy little sweetest-girl-in-the-world self.
With Mikah, I can't tell if its his ear again, or his back molars. I didn't even consider teeth at first, since he is almost 2, but he has been very grumpy for the past few days, and I gave him a sucker earlier that he literally just chewed with his back gums...where his molars haven't come through yet. So I am curious if the random fever spike and the extreme screaming and clinginess is due to his little teeth hurting him!
If you came into my house right now, you would probably run away screaming. But, its next to impossible to get anything at all done with 3 sick kids. One of them has to be on my lap constantly, or someone is crying, or someone is nauseous, or someone has spiked a fever and needs medicine, or someone is crying because something hurts....it has been never-ending. I have had to say countless prayers for strength, and I admit, I have taken a few "potty breaks" to go into the bathroom and cry my eyes out (for the 2 minutes I can get away) because it feels overwhelming. This is really the first time all 3 have been so sick at the same time, and it's been tough.
It was AMAZING to have Dustin here over the weekend to help with everything, and to keep me sane. But he was back at work today, and thank God I did have some help from my mom this morning, and Victoria this afternoon. You have no clue how much you appreciate a friend coming to sit with your kids so you can shower until you have 3 under 5 that are all super needy on your hands!
Tonight I was held the first meeting for my downline in Origami Owl, which was fun. I am excited to have such an amazing team of ladies, that I can now call my friends. This company has been such a blessing to me, and I am so thankful that Dustin was supportive when I told him I wanted to take this adventure on, and give it a try. It's been a great 11 months with the company!
It's also been such a good outlet for me, and a way to share Khoen's story daily. I have my Khoen locket, that has his picture in the back, and I wear it to all of my events and around daily. That way, whenever anyone asks about my locket, I get to tell them about Khoen, and it makes him feel so much closer to me. I can't even describe that feeling.
Tonight, when I was feeling weak and in need of prayers, a sweet aunt of mine sent me a verse that couldn't have been more relevant to the moment I was in.
Have you never heard or understood? Don't you know that the Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth? He never grows faint or weary. No one can measure the depths of His understanding. He gives power to those who are tired and worn out; He offers strength to the weak. Isaiah 40:28-29
After almost a full week of at least one child coming into my bed in the middle of the night, either with something hurting or coughing constantly, getting so behind on sleep, feeling overwhelmed by sickness, and being completely stressed out to the point of feeling like breaking down, that's exactly what I needed to hear.
Its amazing sometimes how someone can send you something and it can immediately make you feel differently. I forgot for a moment that I didn't have to carry this around with me. I don't have to shoulder this sickness and my children's extra needs this week on my own. I have someone who is willing to carry me through it all, and shoulder my burdens for me, if I will just turn it over to Him.
And tonight, that is what I am doing, whole-heartedly. He knows when I am too weak, and He knows how to make me feel strong enough to take on the world again.
How lucky is my son to know Him face to face. <3
Mikah got sick well over a month ago, then Kaisyn, then Makenna, then Mikah again. All with nasty colds, which of course were transferred to mommy, too!
Everyone recovered but Mikah, who ended up with a bad ear infection and feeling terrible. As soon as we started to get him better, Kaisyn got his cold AGAIN.
We were all well and healthy again for a little over a week, when Mikah started running a fever again. He had yet another ear infection, but some antibiotics cleared him up. Then it was Makenna with the fever again starting last Wednesday. She had a sore throat, but no strep, and ran a fever through Saturday. Saturday morning, Kaisyn woke up throwing up, and has had a nasty tummy since. And today, after Makenna woke up with a tummy ache, Mikah woke up with ANOTHER fever.
No kidding, I feel like I am going insane. We absolutely can't catch a break! Makenna was ok by this evening, and should be fine to go to school in the morning. But I am keeping Kaisyn home, because she has still had a yucky tummy and lots of tummy aches today. Its no fun when your 2 year old consistently tells you she needs to "grow up", and goes to stand with her head over the toilet.
Tonight I did manage to get her to do a little dance party with me, which was fun to see. She has laid around most of the day, as well as all weekend, so it was fun to see her smiling again. I am praying so hard that means that she is on the other side of this stuff, and will wake up tomorrow feeling like her happy little sweetest-girl-in-the-world self.
With Mikah, I can't tell if its his ear again, or his back molars. I didn't even consider teeth at first, since he is almost 2, but he has been very grumpy for the past few days, and I gave him a sucker earlier that he literally just chewed with his back gums...where his molars haven't come through yet. So I am curious if the random fever spike and the extreme screaming and clinginess is due to his little teeth hurting him!
If you came into my house right now, you would probably run away screaming. But, its next to impossible to get anything at all done with 3 sick kids. One of them has to be on my lap constantly, or someone is crying, or someone is nauseous, or someone has spiked a fever and needs medicine, or someone is crying because something hurts....it has been never-ending. I have had to say countless prayers for strength, and I admit, I have taken a few "potty breaks" to go into the bathroom and cry my eyes out (for the 2 minutes I can get away) because it feels overwhelming. This is really the first time all 3 have been so sick at the same time, and it's been tough.
It was AMAZING to have Dustin here over the weekend to help with everything, and to keep me sane. But he was back at work today, and thank God I did have some help from my mom this morning, and Victoria this afternoon. You have no clue how much you appreciate a friend coming to sit with your kids so you can shower until you have 3 under 5 that are all super needy on your hands!
Tonight I was held the first meeting for my downline in Origami Owl, which was fun. I am excited to have such an amazing team of ladies, that I can now call my friends. This company has been such a blessing to me, and I am so thankful that Dustin was supportive when I told him I wanted to take this adventure on, and give it a try. It's been a great 11 months with the company!
It's also been such a good outlet for me, and a way to share Khoen's story daily. I have my Khoen locket, that has his picture in the back, and I wear it to all of my events and around daily. That way, whenever anyone asks about my locket, I get to tell them about Khoen, and it makes him feel so much closer to me. I can't even describe that feeling.
Tonight, when I was feeling weak and in need of prayers, a sweet aunt of mine sent me a verse that couldn't have been more relevant to the moment I was in.
Have you never heard or understood? Don't you know that the Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth? He never grows faint or weary. No one can measure the depths of His understanding. He gives power to those who are tired and worn out; He offers strength to the weak. Isaiah 40:28-29
After almost a full week of at least one child coming into my bed in the middle of the night, either with something hurting or coughing constantly, getting so behind on sleep, feeling overwhelmed by sickness, and being completely stressed out to the point of feeling like breaking down, that's exactly what I needed to hear.
Its amazing sometimes how someone can send you something and it can immediately make you feel differently. I forgot for a moment that I didn't have to carry this around with me. I don't have to shoulder this sickness and my children's extra needs this week on my own. I have someone who is willing to carry me through it all, and shoulder my burdens for me, if I will just turn it over to Him.
And tonight, that is what I am doing, whole-heartedly. He knows when I am too weak, and He knows how to make me feel strong enough to take on the world again.
How lucky is my son to know Him face to face. <3
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