Struggling.

I don't think "having a rough time" describes things right now.

Most of the time, I keep my personal life just that: personal. And when I'm having a bad day, I may let others know, but I keep the reasons to myself, and fake a smile, and keep pushing through.

That gets hard. Sometimes I feel like I am living my whole life as 'fake'. Because sometimes I am scared that if people knew how bad things get sometimes, they would abandon me, and I don't want that.

Losing a child can do one of two things to a marriage. It can bring you closer than ever, or push you apart. At least that's what our counselor told us.

Well, it didn't bring Dustin and I closer. We do our best to get along for our kids, but there are so many unresolved feelings between us, and both of us are mostly scared to talk about things with the other person. It creates a lot of tension between us, and makes it really hard at times.

I love Dustin, and I know that he loves me as well. But we both are so hurt and so broken, and sometimes it can be a struggle to try and help each other when we don't really even know how to get through the day ourselves.

And financial struggles are doing nothing but making like SO much harder. I started selling Origami Owl to try and help my family out, but ended up so much in the hole because of some issues during Mother's Day, and trying to catch up on backordered items. We got behind on rent, and on our other bills, and sometimes it seems like we are never going to get our head above water again.

There are days when I wish that I could just go back to working full-time, and making the money like I used to make when I worked at the bank. But, I would pay almost my entire check in childcare, and it wouldn't be helping us at all.

I know that once Kaisyn and Mikah go to school and I can work full-time again to support my family, things will get easier. But sometimes it is SO hard to look to the future and see the brighter side of things.

I am always trying to pray and give things over to God, but that is easier said than truly done. There have been days when we literally have no food and no money, and thank God for my parents coming to save the day. I don't know what we would do without them, and don't think they will ever truly know how much we appreciate them.

I guess grief just makes everyday struggles amplified by like 1,000,000. Before Khoen passed away, things were hard financially sometimes, but I was happy, and that made things so much easier. Things were hard in our marriage sometimes, but we were always able to find a happy medium and get past things. We could always easily work things out. There were stressful days, but never days when I didn't think I could even get out of my bed.

It doesn't help that I have practically become an insomniac again. No matter how I try and relax, or how exhausted I am, I absolutely cannot sleep when I lay down at night! It's crazy! I have seen 5am twice this week from still being awake.

On days when I absolutely have to be up to do something, I can take Tylenol PM or something to help me sleep, but I am the type of person who doesn't like to be dependent on things like that, so I don't like to take it every night.

At night is when all of my thoughts just seem to hit me so hard. I think it makes it harder that Mikah is still in mine and Dustin's room. It's not that I don't absolutely love to watch that lil boy sleep, because I do. But I think it makes it harder to face the fact that Khoen isn't here each night.

The boys were supposed to be in their own room by now, and the girls together in a room as well. Losing Khoen slowed everything down. I was scared for a long time to let Mikah out of my sight when he was asleep....so scared that he wouldn't wake up, and SIDS would strike again, and my world would come crashing down once more. So we kept him in our room until his first birthday, and just keep making excuses now.

I have finally, with the help of my mom, cleaned up Makenna's room to make room for Kaisyn's bed to go in there, too. And our plan is to get the girls into a room together hopefully by this weekend. Then, Mikah will go into Kaisyn's room. That is still hard for me, too, because for some reason it just hurts to put him in a room alone. He shouldn't be alone. He should have a roommate. He should have his twin.

But I have to take a deep breath, and realize that THIS is my life now. Struggles and all. I don't know why. I don't know why I have to wake up every morning with a broken heart. I don't know what I did to deserve this. I don't know why Khoen didn't get a chance at a long, happy life.

I will know someday. I still have faith in that, and I still have faith that I will see him again. It's just waiting for that day that is so hard.

I know this all just sounds like a whole bunch of complaining, and it probably is. Just me venting. But I really, really needed to vent. I needed to get things off my chest. I get so tired of pretending to be ok. Of pretending that life is great, and we are great, and I am just so great.

Thank God for my other 3 kids. I couldn't get through this pain without them. They are my smile.

I am excited about Friday, because I get to keep some other little ones that I love, and have Victoria and her son over as well. I am hoping the weather is nice, and we can enjoy some time outside. Being surrounded by kids makes me feel ok for a little while. I'm not sure why. Life was so chaotic for a while when the twins were first born, but it was fun. I've always loved kids, and used to dream of working in a daycare. So I love having a house full of kids.

One day, I hope we can get past all of these things, and buy a house of our own, with a yard for the kids to play in, and a playroom...so that I can let the kids play and not have to lose my living room under the mess each day! I know that we will get there, it just takes working towards it. And that is what Dustin and I are both trying to do.

I don't think I let him know enough how much I do appreciate him working to support our family. We may not have much, but we do have love. And even through our brokenness, I know that our kids know love, and they know that even on mommy's worst days, they can give me a hug and make me smile.

We will get through this. This too shall pass. Like I said, grief just makes it harder.

Mommy misses you Khoen. I always will. But I know you've been hugging my heart all day...I've felt that little tugging. You are so amazing, Khoen. I love you so, so much. Mommy is trying, Khoen. I promise.

One Year Already...Khoen's 1st Angelversary in Heaven.

I don't think I can properly describe how I feel as midnight approaches. And I can assure you it will be past midnight when I finish writing this, meaning it will officially be June 2. It's so crazy, because in a weird way, it's like I felt like this day couldn't come. I couldn't live through it again. Yet, here I am, counting down the minutes.

 

I am a nervous, emotional trainwreck. For the past week, I have had spells where I can't stop shaking. I can't seem to calm myself down, and get myself together, even though I may not be crying or anything else at the time. I just shake. I am terrified of tomorrow, because it has become so real.

 

For the first few months, or really the first 11 months, I think I still lived in denial. This couldn't be my life. My son couldn't die. THIS COULD NEVER HAPPEN TO ME. Even on my hardest days, when I would miss him so much and cry for endless hours, it still seemed like a dream. Like he would eventually come back. This has to be a cruel, sick joke, and it can't be my life.

 

And reality has finally hit me like a brick. Khoen really isn't coming back to me. His little sweet life really did end on June 2, 2012.

 

 

If you had asked me on May 31 of last year where I would be today, I probably would have laughed and said potentially crazy, but I would be in my house, raising my 2 girls and my twin boys, and life would be chaotic, but mine, and I loved it.

 

I would see other moms who lost their babies, and cry for them. I would say that I could NEVER live through that. I would go insane. You honestly never think that something like this can impact your family. My kids were healthy. Khoen had his share of issues, but nothing too serious, and he was a happy little fellow.

 

May 31, 2012 started out just like any other day. My friend Victoria and her little boy came over to spend the day with us, and to help out with the kids. The house was loud and crazy, but we were enjoying ourselves.

 

We talked about the beach, and how her son had never been, and Kaisyn hadn't been, and the boys were just too little for me to take just yet. We started talking about going, and ended up planning a short trip for the next day. Just one night, and come back that Saturday by lunchtime. Nothing big, because I didn't want to be away from the boys for too long.

 

But it was important to me for me to remind the girls that they were special to me still, too. Kaisyn had really taken up with Dustin at the time, because I always seemed to be busy with the twins. And Makenna was such a sweet big sister, and a help to me, but she could feel that I didn't have as much time for her, and it was affecting her, too.

 

So I thought it would be a perfect little night away for us girls. And through tears and prayers, I came to peace with leaving the boys with their daddy for the night. They would be in good hands.

 

So that day, we packed up a few things we would need from my house, and literally carried Khoen around the house with us everywhere. He was a happy baby when he was being spoiled, but he couldn't stand to be put down. So I was used to accomplishing things while holding a baby.

 

Khoen was a little fussy that day, but nothing concerning. He had bad reflux, and he would have those fussy spells, so I didn't see it as anything out of the ordinary. Besides, like I said, you never think your baby could be gone in the blink of an eye.

 

That evening, after the girls were asleep, I sat in our green recliner and rocked Khoen, as I did every night, until 2 am, when Dustin and I would switch off. I fed Khoen the bottle at 2, and then he would usually let me lay him down, and I could sleep. And Dustin did the 6 am feeding, so it worked out well.

 

I rocked him, and snoozed with him a little, and sang to him, and cuddled him. But I still think I took it for granted, because I thought I had years of those cuddles left, until he outgrew my lap.

 

I swear, had I known, I really would have never put him down. I would have held him until he took his last breath. But he was ok at the time, and he went to sleep after his 2 am bottle as normal, and I thought nothing of it.

 

We woke up early the next morning, and by 7 am we were ready to go. I kissed Mikah and Khoen both goodbye, and cried a little as I headed out the door, because leaving them was harder than I had imagined it being. But, I was looking forward to my time with my girls, and was able to convince myself I had the next day to cuddle my boys again, so I was ok.

 

We drove to Charleston, and enjoyed a beautiful day out on the beach. We found this amazing little inlet, and the kids loved playing in the sand. Makenna was unsure of the ocean, but Kaisyn just crawled right in. They had a blast. It rained that evening, so we weren't able to enjoy downtown like we had planned. But we figured we would head there early the next morning, and see downtown before we had to leave and head home.

 

I called Dustin around 10 pm to check on the babies. He had just finished feeding them both and put them to bed. I was a little surprised that Khoen let him put him to sleep, but at the same time, babies know when there is someone around who will spoil them, and Khoen knew if I was in sight, he could cry and be held. So I thought maybe he was just tired from playing hard with brother and daddy, and was sleepy. I let Dustin go, so he could get some sleep in case one of the boys decided 2am was going to be wake up time for the day.

 

What happened after that, I can't say for sure. I was in my hotel room asleep. I woke up the next morning, and saw that a precious little girl who had battled leukemia from the age of 5 months old, was having some issues with her heart. Her name was Gabby, and she was always close to mine and Dustin's heart, and we followed her story daily. I had the pleasure of meeting her when Khoen was in the hospital, and stayed in contact with her sweet momma from then on.

 

Gabby is now an Angel with Khoen, and I know they are great friends. <3

 

I texted Dustin to see if he had seen it, and got no response. I didn't think anything of it, because I figured he had fallen back asleep with the boys.

 

My mom called a few minutes later, and the worst day of my life began. She told me I needed to head home right away, that Khoen had been taken to the hospital. She told me he wasn't breathing good, but wouldn't answer any othr questions.

 

I immediately knew in my gut that something was very, very wrong. I called my dad, who was with Dustin. My dad was crying, and he doesn't cry. I begged him to tell me Khoen was ok. But he just said he was so, so sorry. I asked him if Khoen was ok, and he said no.

 

I asked him if Khoen was gone, and he said yes.

 

The rest of the day, and the next few days, is a blur. I think my mind tries to block it out, because it was such a bad time. I was sick, couldn't eat, and couldn't stop the tears. I would scream. I would cry. And I would literally yell Khoen's name at the top of my lungs.

 

I remember driving to my house a few days after, the night before the funeral, to get a few things for the girls. I was at a stoplight, and just started punching the steering wheel, and screaming. I honestly felt like I was going insane.

 

I couldn't sleep, because I was too scared of waking up to the Hell that I was living in. I didn't want to feel the pain. I didn't want to see Mikah without Khoen beside of him. I didn't want to try to be ok for my other kids, because at the time, I wasn't ok. At all. I just wanted to hold Khoen.

 

I wasn't going to view him at the funeral home. I was going to have family take pictures, so I could see them when I was ready. But when we got there, as sick as I felt, I knew I had to go in.

 

I remember walking through the doors to the big room he was in, and seeing his little casket laying on a table, open and ready for us to see him. I was scared to approach him, because I knew I would want to pick him up and just take off with him, and somehow bring him back to life and make him ok. That had to be possible. He couldn't really be gone.

 

I think I hid behind Dustin the whole way over. Khoen was so tiny in that tiny casket. And he looked like a little baby doll, not my sweet boy. He was covered in makeup, and was wearing a little hat I brought for him that said Love Me. He was in his little brother onesie, and his khaki pants, and tiny little socks.

 

I remember touching him, and being able to feel that he wasn't there. I remember how sick it made me. But still, that was his little body, and I wanted so badly to protect it.

 

I had to leave after a few minutes, because I had a complete breakdown. Mine and Dustin's families went in and viewed him, and when they were done, I went to see him one last time. 

 

Do you know what the hardest part of seeing my 4 month old son laying in a casket was?

 

It was walking away.

 

I still can't believe in my heart that as his mother, I just left him there. I went home, and he was there, in a casket. Not with me.

 

I had to remind myself that he wasn't there, only his tiny little body was.

 

I am a Christian, and I believe in God and in Heaven, and I know with all of my heart that I will see Khoen again someday. And I know that in talking about that week of my life, I don't mention my faith much at first. That's because honestly, when something like that happens, everyone questions. At first, I was angry with God. Why me? Why my son? WHY KHOEN?! Don't You know how much I need him here? Don't you know how much I love him?

 

The next day was his funeral. I looked at a picture of his little casket at the funeral for the first time today. Victoria had one on her phone. My mind blocked that image from me, and no matter how much I try to remember, I can't remember seeing his casket laying there. I remember my cousin singing, and our pastor preaching, and all of the people hugging me.

 

And, once again, I remember leaving.

 

We stayed around for as long as we could, because I just couldn't leave him there. That's my baby. He may get hot, or cold, and I can't protect him. I can't leave him.

 

Then, I saw the man on the tractor at the top of the hill, watching for us to leave. I knew in my heart what he was waiting to do, but I couldn't leave so that it wouldn't happen.

 

We finally made our way to the car, and I felt so sick. As we were sitting there about to leave, I saw the man on the tractor headed our way. I literally started to scream, and my mom had to drive me away as quickly as she could. I watched that man the whole time. I watched as they put my baby into the ground, and I watched that man pick up his pile of dirt, and drop it into the hole. They were really burying my baby. My Khoen.

 

I cried so hard all the way to my moms. I knew it was going to happen, but I still couldn't believe it.  I wanted to badly to get my dads shovel and go save Khoen. Get him out of there and bring him back to me, where he belongs. But for what?

 

For the 11 months after Khoen passed away, I struggled, but I was able to find peace in my faith, and in knowing that my sweet boy was playing in Heaven, and is happy, and I will see him again.

 

I still believe this, and it is still what gets me through each and every day. But as I said, reality has hit me, that he isn't coming back. I really can't kiss him or hold him again, until the day God calls me home.

 

Khoen is God's son, that God gave me the amazing opportunity to be called his mommy. And God is the only person who could possibly love Khoen more than I could.

 

I still am not sure why Khoen couldn't stay with me, and grow up with his twin brother. But I know that when I get to Heaven, God will show me. I just have to trust in Him until then.

 

To My Sweet Khoen:

 

I miss you more and more with each day that passes. I hold a pillow every night, and I dream that it is you. There are morning when I wake up crying, and want to throw that pillow, because it is still just a pillow, and you are still in Heaven.

 

Makenna talks about you more and more now. She misses you a lot. She left you flowers that she picked on your resting place the other day, because she said she hoped you would see them, and come visit her.

 

Mommy needs to feel you around me more than ever, and I know that you will do that for me. I am really struggling with the fact that it has been a whole year since I kissed your perfect little cheek.

 

I don't know why I couldn't keep you here with me, but I know that you know, and you can see God's amazing plan. Please be ready when I get there, Khoen. Please be waiting for me, because I want nothing more than to scoop you up and never have to let you go again.

 

I'm sorry that I am weak sometimes, and can't stop crying. I try so hard to be strong, because I know that you want me to be, for Makenna, and Kaisyn, and Mikah. Please help me be strong, Kho.

 

I love you, and I never knew I could miss someone so much. I will see you soon, Khoen. Thank you again this year for the butterflies.

 

I love you, always and forever.

 

Your Mommy.

 

 

Before I go cry myself to sleep, I want to thank everyone who has been here for me in the past year. I couldn't have made it through without you. Even if I have never met you except online, thank you. I don't think some of you really know how much of an impact you have on my life.

 

To my angel mommies and families, please know that tomorrow as I remember Khoen, I will be remembering your sweet babies, too. Raidyn, Chloe, Gabby, Justin, Brooklyn, and so, so many more. I love each of you.

 

Well, I have officially survived the first year without my son. It is June 2, 2013.

 

Don't ask me today how I'm doing, wait until tomorrow. Then, with the help of Khoen, and the strength of God, I will tell you that I am doing ok. <3