Blessings.

Yesterday, I took Kaisyn to her "big girl school", and honestly was a little nervous about taking her while her teacher was on vacation, and there was going to be a substitute. Kaisyn tends to get attached to people, and she absolutely LOVES her teacher. Having Kaisyn in her class has been an absolute blessing.

Kaisyn didn't get to go to school on Tuesday because we just weren't feeling great around here, especially me. I was knocked down by a terrible headache, and it was a rough day. But I took her yesterday, and prayed so hard that she would love school just as much with another teacher there.

While she was there, Victoria and I decided to go walk at the park with Mikah, and let him play on the playground a little. While we were there, I noticed he had a rash. After running a 104+ fever all weekend, and finally being fever free, I thought we were over the illnesses! So the rash was a little discouraging to see.

We came home, gave him a little Benadryl, and after a while the rash lightened...but it looked really weird. So I gave his doctor a call to let them know what was going on and what our weekend had been like, and they decided it was best for him to be seen.

When it was time, Mikah and I went to pick up Kaisyn from school. I was so excited when she walked out the doors, because she had the biggest smile on her face. All of my worry was for absolutely no reason! She had made a picture of an apple tree, and was so excited to tell me she got to use "goo", aka glue!

She was so incredibly proud of the picture she had made, and wanted me to take a picture of her to send to daddy at work, which I did.

 

 

Later that afternoon, I took Mikah to the doctor so they could take a peak at the rash. His doctor thought it looked like he had an allergic reaction to the amoxicillin he had been on for 8 days. So we were told to discontinue use immediately, and if the rash didn't go away within 24 hours to give them a call back, as it may be something else.

 

They explained that this wont mean he cant ever take amoxicillin again, as sometimes these things happen as a fluke. But, if he is ever on it and it does happen again, then he will be flagged as allergic, and wont be given medicines with penicillin in them anymore.

 

 

And just to update, the rash is 100% gone this morning, and my boy has eaten! Not one serving of breakfast, but TWO! He lost almost a pound in the time he was sick from having no appetite, but I am very hopeful it is back! Today is also the first day that he has been nonstop playing and not laying down constantly looking pitiful! So YAY!! :)

 

 

Going back to yesterday, after Makenna got home and I was back from the doctor, I was able to eat dinner with my family. I played with the kids, gave them baths, and did Makenna's homework with her. Then, I read with her. Not to her, WITH her. She actually was able to recognize half of the words in the book we were reading. I was so proud of her. Sure, the words she recognized were the easiest in the book...the, so, as, it, see, you, and, of, zoo (it was a book about the zoo), red, blue, yellow, and a few others...but still, this is huge to her, and she felt so smart and proud of herself! It was an amazing moment.

 

 

After the kids went to bed, I looked at the two pictures on the refrigerator. Well, the 2 new pictures...our fridge has lots of pictures! One was Kaisyns apple tree she had made at school, and the other was Makenna's picture she made me the day before. It has a rainbow, grass, the run, a smiley face, and a Khoen Butterfly. And, it says Love Mom on it. The fact that she made it for me made me cry. It is the sweetest picture.

 

While looking at them, I couldn't help but feel overwhelmingly blessed. I feel like sometimes, when I am having a down day, I find it way too easy to sit and feel sorry for myself, because of the loss our family has had in the past year and a half.

 

Don't get me wrong in the least, I am FAR from done grieving. Losing Khoen is the absolute hardest thing I have EVER had to deal with, and there are still days when I can barely maneuver my way from sun up to sun down.

 

 

But, if I sit and feel constantly sorry for myself, I am missing out on seeing the many, many things that the Lord had blessed me with. And, Khoen wouldn't want that.

 

 

Having the opportunity to be a mother to Makenna, Kaisyn, and Mikah, is incredible. Every single day they make me smile, laugh, and feel so much love.

 

 

Also, there are days when, because I am still in the midst of grieving my son, I feel that I am not a good enough mother. I wonder if I show my kids enough love. I wonder if they know how special that they are to me. And I wonder if they love me through the pain that I feel.

 

Then, Makenna makes me a sweet picture that says she loves me, because I was the one on her mind when she was drawing. Kaisyn runs up to me with a huge smile when I pick her up screaming, "Mommmmyyyyyy!!!!!" And on the way home, tells me how much she missed me, without me even having to tell her I missed her. And Mikah runs to me and gives me random kisses, and snuggles with me to watch tv, and shows me his booboos so that I can kiss them.

 

 

And when I take a step back and look at all of these things, and the constant smiles that they all 3 wear, I know that I am doing ok. I know that they know love, and they know that I love them immensely. I know that they love me, too. I know that they do miss me when they are apart from me, just as much as I miss them. But, I know that I have given them the strength to be apart from me and still know that I am with them. I know that they know just how special they are, to me, to their daddy, to each other, to Khoen, and to the Lord.

 

 

So as I sit here today just reflecting on the times that I've cried, and the blessing that I have been given, I can't help but feel my heart just swell with love. Yes, I would much rather have Khoen here to love on and kiss, and watch him grow and be silly, and do the "hot dog dance" from Mickey Mouse with Kaisyn and Mikah, than have to go visit him at his resting place. But, I was given 4 sweet months with him, and I wouldn't take those back. I know he is here, and I treasure each of his angel kisses.

 

 

I pray that no one else ever has to endure the pain of losing a child. But, I know that someone will. So to anyone who has lost a child, or finds this pain later in their life, I pray that you keep your faith. I pray that you know that you WILL see them again. And, I am telling you now that no matter where you are in your grief, you are doing ok. Its more than ok to cry, scream, yell, and feel angry. Its more than ok to stumble and feel like you can't get out of your bed. Its also ok to smile, and to feel happiness. Remember that God won't abandon you, and He will help you through. Turn your worst days over to Him.

 

Count your blessing, and take nothing for granted. This life is not a promise or a guarantee. But live to make Him proud, and you will see your loved ones again.

 

Love you so much, Khoen. Mommy misses you each and every day. <3

Bibles & Mermaids

I haven't blogged in quite a while, but tonight I can't think of anything else to do. It has been one crazy week. 

The thing about having multiple young children and illnesses....it seems like once we catch something, it goes around, then goes BACK around before it leaves us alone! And this has just been one of those weeks where, illness wise, I feel like I honestly can't win for losing. 

It was Kaisyn last week, with her nasty cough and throwing up in her bed. And now it's poor Mikah. But he seems to have her illness times 10.

This week, we've made 2 doctors trips for him, been on antibiotics, cleaned up puke, gone through 2 bottles of Tylenol, and religiously used numbing ear drops for his ears. Yet tonight, his fever has been hanging out around 104, and it sucks. I hate seeing him feel bad...but, I am loving all the baby snuggles! 

Hopefully his fever will break overnight, and tomorrow will be a much better day. 

In other news, I found a support group on Facebook specifically for parents of twin-less twins. And though I have cried reading through all of their stories, it has been incredible to talk to people who can 100% relate to how it feels to have one twin while grieving the other. So thankful to have found it, and to be able to be a part of it. I am hoping it will help me through the hardest days...birthdays, holidays, angelversaries, etc. Not to mention everyday struggles. 

One thing that has been weighing on my heart lately is how I feel about my family being complete. 

(No, I am not considering another baby at this time. I will explain.)

When I found out I was having the twins, I knew I was done having babies. Then, finding out they were both boys and the perfect completion to our household reaffirmed that for me. Four kids felt chaotic, but normal, and happy. 

I still have 4 kids, but only 3 to care for on a daily basis. And that is hard, and stressful, and chaotic, yet it somehow still feels empty. It's weird. 

There are times when I am so fed up at the end of the day at the screaming, the attitudes, the fighting, the messes, that I am ready to say lets go tie my tubes tomorrow! But, I just can't make myself do anything that permanent just yet. 

I can't even fathom having another baby right now. Nor for years. I am mentally and emotionally not in the right place, and I know that for me personally, it will take years for me to overcome where I am right now. Climbing out of the pits of grief is not an easy process, not is it one foot in front of the other, and just keep walking. Sometimes, you slide back down, and have to start all over again.

Honestly, the thought of another baby terrifies me at the moment. I know that, if I got pregnant, I would want Khoen. If I found out it was a girl, I would be upset, because it wasn't Khoen. If I found out it was a boy, I would still be upset, because he still wouldn't be Khoen. And even if I had another son who happened to look exactly like Khoen, I would still be upset because he isn't Khoen, and Mikah isn't by his side...as in, he isn't a twin. 

In other words, my heart still just wants Khoen too deeply to try and figure out how to deal with those emotions right now. Maybe someday, but not soon. 

I know that God has a plan, and if it is His will for me to have another child in my lifetime, then it shall be. And then, I will be ok. I will once again figure out how to be strong, for my family and that baby, and for Khoen. 

Changing subjects again.....but, I am pretty sure my kids are continually trying to tell me they want another dog, haha. Kaisyn and Mikah crawl around 'barking' multiple times a day. I am still having to tell Kaisyn that she isn't supposed to actually lick me in the face like a dog does....but, that lesson is taking some time. When she is a dog, she is in the moment, and beware, because she will lick you! And Mikah is absolutely hilarious as a 'puppy'...he just crawls up to you, screams 'WOOF!', and stays with his head pushed up against your leg until you pet him! It doesn't matter if you wait 5 minutes...he isn't budging until you rub that puppy's head! 

Makenna, well she is occasionally a puppy, but mostly a horse. I desperately want to take her to actually see and pet horses...she is so obsessed! They are on her clothes, in her drawings, in her playtime imaginations, in her dreams, and when we play school, you guessed it.....there are horses IN the school! (She periodically has to stop teaching and go let the horses out, or catch one because it is running away. Hilarious.)

But unfortunately for Makenna, there just isn't room in this townhouse for a horse. And there isn't patience in mommys life at the moment for a puppy! Too many toys on the floor, kiddos on the carpet, and noise in each room. Although, it would be nice not to have to sweep so often!

All in all, we are doing ok. We struggle, but we smile. And we find a way to make it through each situation placed in our laps. 

Thankful to God for loving me through all of it. 

Oh, last cute Makenna tale....she has been so pumped to check out her first book from the school library, and had to miss it Tuesday because they had pictures and didn't get to go. They went today, and she was excitedly telling me all about it on the ride home from school. I asked her what book she chose, and her response was, "Well, they didn't have the Bible, so I chose The Little Mermaid." Bless that sweet child's heart. <3

Tylenol and temp check time for Mikah, so goodnight all!