Todays A Hard Day, Khoen...

I feel like I've been able to be pretty strong lately. Dustin has been back at work, and the kids have been kept clean, fed, and happy. And the house is in pretty good shape, and I have spent 80% of the past 2 weeks smiling. But today is just a hard day.

I don't know what started it, I just know that today feels empty. I'm here, in my house (which is FAR from empty, quiet, or lonely!), with my family. And they are my world. But it just seems to keep overwhelming me today that Khoen is missing.

I haven't had a big breakdown in the past 2 weeks either, until today. Yet I'm crying while I write this, so please excuse the typos. I'm sure there will be a million.

Dustin had a moment the other day. He came home from work, and I was in the kitchen eating dinner with the girls. I had Mikah on my lap, and he said he almost asked me where Khoen was, so he could go get him, and bring him in there.

Sometimes that reality is just so cold. And I swear it really does hit like a ton of bricks.

Today I just keep trying to remember every little detail of Khoen. Every little thing I loved about him, and that made him my sweet little boy. And some of them may sound so crazy, but they are my memories, and to me they are perfect.

I remember how perfectly round his little head was. And he had just the tiniest bit of dark brown hair. Not enough to stick up on his head, buy just enough to make it feel so soft when I rubbed it. Khoen LOVED when I would rub his head, especially during his nighttime bottles. He was so content.

He had blue eyes, but they were dark. I think they would have turned brown....they had a brownish tint to them. He would stare up at me with those sweet eyes, and just watch me as I rocked him.

And his birthmark on his left thigh...I would always rub his leg there. I know it sounds insane, but I loved his birthmark, and it always made me smile. Maybe it was because subconsciously I knew I needed to remember it so clearly. I don't know.

And his cry. So deep down from his throat. He cried like no other baby I've ever heard...it was low pitched, and sometimes so quiet you wouldn't even notice. Such a sweet cry.

I remember his chubby little soft cheeks, and his PERFECT nose. Dustin and I always said Khoen looked too perfect to be ours. (We say that about all our kids. But I make this blog about Khoen, so I'm just focusing on him. No, I don't pick favorites.) And we were right.

Khoen wasn't ours....none of our kids are. They are God's. Khoen was His. He is His. And it still seems so unfair, but I know its not meant for me to understand.

I've been sitting in this rocking chair in my room, Khoen bear on my lap, staring at the crib that my boys were supposed to share until now. We said Mikah and Khoen could share the crib in our room until they were 6 months old, then we would put them in their own cribs in their room. Mikah is 6 months old now. Khoen never got to see that day.

I can't make myself think about decorating Mikahs room. I want to, yes. But I have their names in wooden letters, and I had never gotten a chance to paint them. I still plan to paint both, but I don't know how to decorate his room anymore. It will seem so bare to me with only one crib, even though I know it will be full.

Plus, I want to make a special place in the house for Khoen. A wall, or something, dedicated just to him. We don't have an extra room, so I dont know where to do it. I can't make myself hang Khoens name in the room they were going to share, because it would honestly break my heart every time I opened the door. So I have to make it Mikahs, and just Mikahs....but I'm still trying to figure out how to do that.

Sitting here rubbing Khoen Bears head and little legs helps and hurts at the same time. It's amazing to have him to hold, but I want so badly, more than anything right now, to hold Khoen again. I want to rub Khoens head, and see his birthmark, and hear him cry. I want to hear him make little noises, and try to figure out this world. I want to see him eat cereal, and I want to feed him his bottle. And I want so, so badly to see him smile, and hear him laugh.

God, this is so hard.

Khoen, mommy misses you so much, and I swear it seems like its getting harder sometimes as time passes. I just want to snuggled you again, cuddlebug. I know your happy, and for that I'm happy for you. I just can't wait to see you again. You are such a blessing, Khoen. And it honors that God chose me to be your mommy. Sometimes its just so much harder than you can imagine for mommy not to be selfish, and just want you here, with me, all to myself, forever. And I know that will happen someday. Mommy is just missing you hard today. I love you so much, and I hope you know that. I told you all the time, yet I feel I didn't get to tell you enough.

Sometimes its still hard on me too knowing that I missed Khoens last day. It kills me wondering how many times he smiled, or cried, and wondering if he noticed I wasn't there. I kissed him goodbye that morning, while he was still asleep. So precious and innocent. And so alive.

I hate this pain. And it breaks my heart whenever I hear of another mommy joining my circle. Another little angel going to play with Khoen in Heaven. It's just SO UNFAIR. That, and seeing little ones suffer, and struggle, going through battles with cancer and diseases....it just isn't right. And I get so scared then when I hear of those kids, because I don't want their mommies and daddies to understand this feeling. I don't want them to know it. I just want them to kick those illnesses in the butt and get better.

Our doctor has already warned us that there is a pretty good chance that Khoens death certificate will say SIDS on it. And I will have to live with that. But I can't shake the feeling that I should have done more.

When Khoens soft spot would swell, I always took him to the doctor. Or the hospital. I took him for his head ultrasounds. They said he would grow out of the extra fluid around his brain. That it was harmless.

But Khoen is gone, and he didn't grow out of anything. And I'm just not convinced it was all harmless. Which makes me feel like I failed Khoen as a mommy. I would have given him the world. I would have done anything for him, anything to make him better if he was sick. I'll never know if the fluid on his brain caused pressure, or gave him headaches.

I'll never know if my little boy was really ok, or if more could have been done to save him. He's gone now, and I just wish he weren't.

I've visited his grave multiple times this week, sometimes more than once a day. Makenna wants to ride by every night and make sure his "nightlights" are working. He has 2 of them. And sometimes, she will come to me crying, saying she misses Khoen and wants him to come home. It's so unfair to her, too. She shouldn't know this pain and loss at 4 years old.

But, I still fully trust God. I know He knows what he is doing, and my little Khoen had a greater purpose. I wholeheartedly believe that. Like I said in an earlier post, Khoens name means "Priest", and he is just that. He has shown all of us God in ways we hadn't seen before. And shown us that we won't get through this life without Him.

I will always love my son, and I'll miss him while I'm on earth. This pain may get easier to deal with, but it will never go away. And I dont think I will ever feel complete again. But I know I WILL see Khoen again. And I can't wait, baby boy. You are so special, so precious, so perfect.

I love you, Khoen Lee. Always and forever.

Dear Khoen...

Sometimes it helps me to write to Khoen, and I usually do it in my journal. But tonight, I feel like writing on here, so that's what I'm going to do. Talking to Khoen through letters makes me feel closer to him, and makes me look more sane than talking out loud while I'm out in public, and looking like a crazy schizophrenic lady. And even though I know Khoen is in Heaven and can see the things that happen here (or I believe he can), sometimes I just want to tell him about it. I want him here so badly, and I want to share this life with him more than anything. So, until I join him in my eternal home, letters will have to do. Dear Khoen, Mommy is missing you SO much right now! And, although we seem to be moving forward somehow, life here without you still just doesn't seem right, or complete. But, there are amazing things happening here, Khoen, and some of them I just know are because of you. <3 There are so many people who love you, Kho....people who never had the earthly opportunity to meet you. But you are changing people, Khoen....and turning their faces to the One who holds you in His arms. We've had some really rough days since you've been gone, and shed a lot of tears. But, we've also smiled for you, and we are slowly learning to smile for you a little more each day. Through all of this, I have to remember how lucky you are. You already know God, and that's the best gift anyone could ever give you. A very good friend of mine, who has a little angel just like you (her name is Chloe, and I know you know her! Makenna says she is your girlfriend ;) ), lent me a book to read, called I Will Carry You. That book helped mommy so much, Khoey, so so much. It made me realize that all this pain that I feel is normal, and reminded me countless times that I WILL see you again. I can't wait...mommy is going to scoop you up, and hug you so tight, and cover you in the kisses that I'm missing so much right now...all while soaking in the beauty of your precious smile. I'm crying just thinking of how amazing that will be. Mommy has been wearing her 2 necklaces that have been given to me by such sweet friends, everyday. I switch off between the two. One says "My Khoen, My Angel", and has your birthstone, an angel wing, and a butterfly on it. It's so pretty. And the other says your name, has a little pearl, and has a set of tint little footprints on it. Tiny just like yours, baby. Mommy has cried for you a lot lately. Sometimes the thought of never seeing you, smelling your sweet fragrance, hearing you cop, or learn to talk, makes mommy feel sad. Mommy wanted to show you so many fun things, Kho....how to walk, and throw and catch, and eat popsicles with you while letting you make a huge mess, and how to swim. I wanted to show you the ocean, and build sand castles with you, and I wanted to take pictures of every single moment. But I know you've seen far more than I could have ever shown you, and you have the best Teacher of all. So you'll have to show me everything when I get to Heaven, big boy. And we won't need pictures, because we can live in those moments forever. So now, when mommy gets really really sad, I hug my Khoen Bear. It's so neat, Kho. You would just LOVE it. It will never be the same as hugging you, ever. But, its still very special to me, because it was made just for you. And its a heavy little bear, just like you were, my little chunky man. I'll never be able to thank the people who made that possible enough. You are such a special little guy, Khoen. So many people have helped us, Khoen. And I know you know who each of them are, and I know you have shown them the Lord. We pray every day that Daddy will find a job soon, and this huge financial burden will be lifted. But we just have to trust Him through it, and know we are in His hands, just like you are. Mommy decided to look up the meaning of your name the other day, because I never did before you were born. We just knew we loved Khoen, and that Khoen suited you. And it is so perfect for you....your name means "Priest", Khoen.....which is exactly what you are, my little angel. Mommy is still struggling with some things though, Khoey, and I'm having a really hard time right now. When mommy was at the hospital with you, during your big scare with your soft spot swelling, mommy made you a promise. I stayed with you all 4 nights, and rocked you, and cuddled you through the pokes and IVs and pain. And I promised you that I would never leave you, Khoen. That's the only promise mommy made you during your short life. And then I left. I went to Charleston. I know you were in amazing hands with daddy, and I only did it to remind your big sissies that they are special to me, too. But, I left you. And the one time I left you, you left me to go to Heaven. That's so hard, baby. And I'm so, so sorry for breaking my promise. I should have been there, Khoen. I try to tell myself over and over that I couldnt have changed what happened. I still believe Psalm 139:16, "All the days ordained for you were written in His book before one of them came to be." God knew how long I would have you here. I just wish I had known, so that I could have spent the last day of your life with you. I missed it, Kho. I missed the whole last day of your precious life. I missed smiles and laughs and cries, and now all I can do is cry. I'd give anything to have that day with you, but I can't. I know. I have to keep my head up. Mommy has to be strong for Makenna, and Kaisyn, and Mikah, and daddy, and for you, Khoen. It's very hard sometimes. I just miss you so much. Please forgive me for breaking my promise. I would never have done that to you. I'm so sorry, baby. Mommy was so excited to watch you and Mikah grow up together, and see the bond you two were going to have as twins. I wanted nothing more. So I have to ask you to please just stay close to Mikahs heart, as close as you can Khoen. Let him know you're there, and let him feel that bond. He needs you. Brother did so good today at his eye doctor appointment, khoey! I know you were with him. Mommy is a little nervous about tomorrow, because I have to take Mikah to the same place I took you for your head ultrasound. It just makes me miss you more, Kho. Hannah is going with me (you know her little angel, Raidyn, too....Makenna says he is your best friend!). I'm glad she will be there to support me. Hannah has twins in her tummy, just like mommy did when I carried you and brother. So you and Raidyn keep a close eye on them, and make sure things go ok. I know how exciting twins are, and how much it hurts when you don't have them on earth anymore, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone else in the world. Well, Kho, mommy has cried for the last 20 minutes while trying to finish writing to you. But, somehow, I'm smiling right now. I know that's you making me smile, you silly little boy. You always can make mommy smile. You are perfect, Khoen....too perfect for this earth. Kiss grandmom and grandad for me, and tell them how much I love and miss them. I can't wait to see you in heaven Khoen. And mommy will be there when God decides its my time to come home. Until then, keep helping mommy be strong, so I can be my best for your sissies and twin brother. I love you more than words can express. So much that it hurts. And I promise I will see you again, Khoen. Mommy misses you so much...be strong for me, too, little man. And yes, mommy is crying again. So I'm going to hug Khoen Bear, and remember your sweet face, and dream of you when o finally drift off to sleep. I love you, baby boy. See you soon. <3 Love always, Your Mommy.