Cooper

Let me tell you a little about Cooper. 

He’s 10 years old, has only one eye, snores so loud you can hear him from across the house, and is the sweetest “grumpy old man” in the world. He’s a shih tzu, and he’s a member of our family. 

Cooper has had a rough run the past few weeks. 

We’ve known for a few years now that he has a tumor on the one eye that he has left, but his vet thought it didn’t look cancerous before, and we just had to watch it. We know his vision has declined, but we don’t know exactly how much he can still see. 

Sometimes he misses the food we try to hand him. Other times, he misses the back door when he scratches to go out. And occasionally, he will run directly into something, as funny as it sounds. 

And, here recently, he did a bad thing and bit someone, but I don’t want that to define him. So tonight, I just want to tell Coopers story, or at least part of it. 

Cooper came to live with us back in 2016, but I’ve known him his whole life. And he’s always been family. And he has definitely had a good life since day 1. 

Coop is spoiled rotten, but he’s such a sweet old dog. He knows when I’m eating (especially chicken, his favorite) that I always share a little with him. He doesn’t beg, he simply sits beside me, watching me, and patiently waits for his bites. And he always has to take them to the rug to actually eat them. Apparently the soft floor is better for flavor, no matter what he’s eating and how messy! 

Cooper has always been friendly. He will bark all day if he sees a cat, and he definitely likes to be the dog in charge. But, he never met a human he didn’t like. 

And I want to make sure that, as my kids get older, they know that the decisions we had to make for cooper, as excruciating as they are, are not because he made a mistake. His mistake simply made us aware that something more may be wrong. 

We don’t know why Cooper bit, but he did. And I can’t tell you how thankful I am that #1, he doesn’t have many teeth left, and #2, it was no worse than it was. And that the family was so understanding, and know Cooper so well, therefore knew that wasn’t his normal behavior. 

So Cooper got to have a fun little extra quarantine period here with us through animal control, to make sure the little one was ok and that he didn’t show any signs of disease (which he didn’t). But that’s over and done, and everyone, thank God, is ok. 

However, we took Cooper in for a checkup due to the fact that his eyesight was obviously getting a little worse, and he was a bit more off, more skittish, than before. And there we learned that Coop’s tumor has grown, and is cancerous. 

We were given two choices: remove the eye and the tumor (with no guarantee based on location that he would pull through), or let him rest and know he lived the best life we could give him. 

We know it would be miserable for Cooper to have his only remaining eye removed. Not to mention, when he came home from surgery, he would be coming home to a new house, with new smells, that he wouldn’t know his way around. He would be scared, and I can’t imagine how sad. And that hurts my heart to even imagine. 

But, having to make the decision and the phone call to schedule an appointment to put your beloved pet to rest...that HURTS. Knowing you can have the power to say, “ok, this is the day. Let’s do it then.” That stings. 

It’s also so hard because he’s still Cooper. We know that the tumor is close to his brain, and we don’t want to see him decline. We don’t want to see him become miserable and remember him that way. But, he’s still my sweet little tail-wagging buddy, and it hurts in a way I can’t describe as the day comes closer. 

Mikah begged for us to wait until he finished school. That was important to him, for Cooper to be here for his last day of second grade. So we scheduled it for this coming Saturday, the 23rd. It seemed like so far away, but it just keeps creeping closer. 

We have kits to do his paw prints, and stamp his paw prints. We have rocks to paint for him, and special frames for his pictures. We have been giving him extra special treats, and extra love, and all the attention the past few days. 

But every time I hear his little paws on the floor, going to find a blanket to lay on and curl up (that’s how he spends his days; sleeping on any blanket he can find), it makes my chest feel tight, and my stomach flip, because I just can’t imagine not hearing that anymore. 

His sweet, loud snore. It’s the best noise. It’s even been known to scare guests before because they didn’t know what it was, but it’s like a calming noise to us. A reminder that he’s here, usually asleep behind the chair in the living room, where we keep all the spare blankets. 

He sleeps in Kaisyns bed at night. She’s devastated, and I don’t know how she will handle it when he isn’t here to sleep next to her. 

And sweet little Lola. She’s the first dog he’s taken to around us, and we feel like he’s like a big brother to her. She gets so excited to play with him, and lay next to him, and try to steal his toys. Her heart will hurt, too. 

I’ve questioned so many times if I’ve made the right decision. I’ve questioned so many times why. Why does he have to have a tumor on the only eye he has left? Why does it have to be cancer? Why my Cooper? 

I know he’s already 10, and he probably wouldn’t have had too many years left with us anyways. But it still feels like we’ve been robbed in a way, and he didn’t deserve this. 

I’ve cried every night this week. This is supposed to be such an exciting time; we are buying a new house, with enough bedrooms for all 3 of our kids to have their own (finally). We are starting a new chapter. 

But this week, I just feel so, so sad. I can’t explain how much I’m going to miss my sweet Coop. 

The kids have been so strong, and so brave. When I tell you I am blessed when it comes to my children, I mean I am truly BLESSED. They’ve cried too, but they’ve also hugged me, and reassured me that Cooper will forgive me for making that phone call, even when I didn’t ask them to say those words. They just knew it was so, so hard for me. 

And they keep talking about how Khoen and Cooper will be together, waiting for us when we go to Heaven. How Cooper won’t have cancer, and he will have two eyes again and effect vision. And I am so thankful for that promise. 

So Cooper, to you: 

Thank you for being the best dog. Thank you for the years of snuggles, and laughs, and snores. Thanks for always sharing my chicken with me, and pepperonis off my pizza, and sometimes eating a French fry, if there’s some sauce on it. Thanks for sometimes barking at the cat so fast and loud that your bark sounds like it got away from you, and almost like you choked on it, and making us laugh. Thanks for letting the kids dress you up in silly outfits and always being so patient. Thanks for the tail wags, and for always rolling over so we can rub your belly. Thanks for always stealing my favorite blankets, but being willing to share with me. Thanks for comforting my children when they needed you, and sitting with me when I’ve needed to cry through the years. Thanks for taking Lola in, and learning to love her. And being such a good big brother to her over time. 

Thanks for being our dog, Coop. You’ve honestly been more than a dog, you’re a member of our family, and you will never be forgotten. There aren’t enough words to tell you how much I love you. We all love you. 

So for the next 3 days, we will snuggle you, and give you all the chicken and belly rubs your sweet heart desires. We will take in every snore, and cuddle you so we can take in your smell, and remember every little detail of you. We will take too many pictures, and cry too many tears. 

And I promise you, Cooper, we will see you again. And you will be fully restored. God promised that, and we will cling to that promise. 

Please pray for our hearts, friends. If you’ve met Coop, you know how hard this is. Just pray. For peace, and for comfort, and for healing. Pray for me to forgive myself for making that call. Pray for the hearts of my children and my husband, and that they heal quickly and don’t hurt too deeply. Pray for Lola, and that she comes to terms quickly with not having her brother around. Just send us all the prayers you can. We appreciate each and every one. 

We love you forever, sweet Cooper. There will never be another you.

Almost 7 years later...

To think that it’s been almost 7 years since Khoen died is absolutely heart wrenching. I don’t even have the right words.

And, I don’t know how short or long or chaotic this will be. There will be typos, I know that, because I’m writing through a stream of tears. So bear with me here...

The photo above, I’ve never shared. I have others, that I almost didn’t have taken, but I’m so glad now that I did. This is not the way I want to remember my son, but this is a part of his reality, and mine. Almost 7 years ago, on June 2, 2012, Khoen died. And on June 6, 2012, I had to lay his perfect earthly body to rest. 

I don’t know how to explain it, but this year is different. Every holiday and milestone and anniversary has been hard in its own way. But it’s usually something that builds as time for that particular event creeps closer, and something I have time to process and prepare for. 

June flew in this year and smacked me right in the face. HARD. I wasn’t ready. I knew it was May, and I knew it was coming. But life has been busy and fun and totally crazy, and I didn’t realize just how quickly May was fading. 

I started today like normal. I had my babies that I get to love on during the day while their parents work, and I had Makenna and my mom here with me, too. I was about to eat breakfast and clicked on Facebook, and there it was. The picture I took and posted of the twins on may 31, 2012. The last picture I took of them together. And I realized there is no time to process the day that’s coming, because 2 days will just never be enough for all of this grief. 

It’s like my mind was trying to avoid the day altogether. I’m weird, and I avoid things with June 2 as the date like the plague....down to expiration dates on bread when I’m grocery shopping. Last week I was in Food Lion and grabbed a loaf that had that date on it, and dug through that whole stack of bread until I found one with a date of June 1 instead. So I knew the date was close, but my mind just kept protecting me, I suppose. 

My mind. That’s what I’m struggling with tonight. I’ve cried and I’ve prayed and I’ve gone through more tissue blowing my nose than any human should in a year. But I can’t shake it this time. 

I read my blogs from when it first happened. I read blogs from other milestones along the way. I read details from those posts, and looked at pictures, and it felt like I was reading someone else’s horror story. 

I remember Khoen. He is a vital part of my life that will never be forgotten or unspoken I of. But, I can’t see the memories in my head anymore. I can only see the pictures that I have left. I can’t hear his cry in my head. I can’t remember what it felt like to hold him. I remember the love, and I do remember the birth marks on his tiny little leg, and his perfectly shaped head that I would always just rub as he slept in my arms. 

But details of what happened...details of their birth and of the weeks after...what it actually LOOKED like to see him smile, not just the picture of the smile itself....I can’t remember. It’s like my mind blocked them out, completely. I go blank. What life was actually like while he was HERE....it just won’t come to me. And tonight, that’s crushing me like a boulder. I just want to remember. 

Four months isn’t a lot of time to make memories. And part of those months were spent with him in the NICN at Levine’s, so it felt like even less. But those memories were something I promised to hold on to. And now, I can’t remember. I would guess it’s some crazy form of PTSD honestly, because my mind seems to go to this weird fight or flight mode when I even try to remember, and I just, can’t. 

What I do remember, is life after. The days and nights I spent alone in the townhouse while Dustin and the rest of the kids stayed with my parents. The times I spent in my bed literally screaming at the top of my lungs, begging God to tell me why. To give him back. Just screaming his name. Punching the pillows and hyperventilating. Crying and exhausting myself so much each time, that I would pass out and sleep, just to wake up and do it again. The not eating because food made me so sick. The huge, empty feeling, even though the world around me was still turning. The grey everything, even when the clouds were puffy and the sky was bright blue. 

I don’t remember coming past that. I don’t know how I moved on. I don’t remember putting one foot in front of the other and just DOING it after that. I don’t remember finding a new normal with my children, it just found us, I guess. 

But I do remember viewing his body. I remember the anger I felt at the other people who came, even though I knew they were there out of love and support. I didn’t want to see my baby that way, and I damn sure didn’t want anyone else to. I didn’t want ANYONE to remember that, as Khoen. 

I remember picking out things to put in that tiny casket. I remember placing them around him until I knew they were right. I remember laying my hand on him, and the instant regret I felt in doing so. Because that wasn’t my son, that was only his body he left here on earth. And no mother should ever feel their baby that way. Ever. It’s just not fair. 

Oh, my mind. It tells me again that I’m failing him. This year has been so difficult, because Mikah has had so many more questions. And I make sure I always have a truthful answer for him, because he deserves that. 

I read in one of my early posts after Khoen died about how I hoped Mikah lived for him, since Khoen didn’t get the chance. And those words, spoken by me, hurt, too. I don’t want that pressure EVER put on my sweet Mikah. He’s Mikah, he isn’t Khoen, and he doesn’t have to live his life any certain way just because his twin didn’t get a chance to grow up. That was unfair of me. But, that was within days of Khoen dying, and breathing was so hard, let alone thinking. So I didn’t know what I was saying, nor what that statement actually meant back then. 

My mind wants me to feel like I’m failing because I just. Can’t. Remember. Not the good times. Thank God for the pictures and the videos, because those I will always cherish. 

But my mind won’t win. I know that I haven’t forgotten him. I can’t remember the little details of any of the other kids from when they were so tiny...only what I see in the pictures that spark a memory. I guess it just doesn’t bother me because my stockpile of memories from them is so big, and I pray it continues to grow and grow and grow. 

It bothers me with Khoen because that’s all I have, and I’ll never have any more. 

The why, that still gets me sometimes, too. Why my baby? Why my twins? Why me? Why my family? Why did my baby’s perfectly healthy heart have to just STOP, yet my completely shattered heart just keeps beating? 

Those questions come in, and I have to force myself to remember the words to one of my favorite songs. It has literally carried me through some of the absolute worst days. 

“Help me, Lord, ‘cause I don’t understand your ways,

The reason why, I wonder if I’ll ever know. 

But even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same,

‘Cause I’m still here, so far away from home.”

Homesick, Mercy Me

And this one, which is my main go-to when I’m struggling and Homesick is too hard to hear (since it was the song from his funeral)...

“Why, the question that is never far away, 

But healing doesn’t come from the explained.

Jesus, please don’t let this go in vain, 

You’re all I have, all that remains,

So here I am,

What’s left of me,

When Glory meets my suffering, 

I’m alive! Even though a part of me has died,

You take my heart, and breathe it back to life.

I fall into Your arms, open wide,

When the hurt and the healer, collide.”

Hurt and the Healer, Mercy Me

I have to remember I can’t ask why. I’ll only drive myself crazy. I’ll get my answers when God calls me home, and that has to be enough for me right now. And that’s not always easy, but singing that song, crying through the words, and just knowing He has me....that makes me ok. 

But seven whole years...that stings. So much has happened. So much has changed. So much laughter and countless tears. So many memories, so much growing. And yet, on days like today, I feel like I’m still stuck in that exact same moment...I feel sick, lost, and broken. 

Yet tomorrow, I’ll get up, and put one foot in front of the other. I’ll celebrate the weekend with my babies, and make plans of what we want to do this summer with them. I’ll remember Khoen with them, and I may cry with them, probably more than once. I’m a bit more emotional during these times, if that isn’t obvious. And, somehow, June 2 will come, and it will once again, go. And I’ll rise again, because of Him. 

I can never be thankful enough that I don’t have to walk this road alone, and know that, when I fall, just like today, He has me, and He will get me through. Just like He has Khoen. 

I miss him. Tonight, so much that my whole body hurts, and I just want to curl up and cry until I finally fall asleep. And, in all honestly, that’s exactly what I’ll do. But tomorrow will be another new day, and I will be ok. 

One step at a time. One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. No giant leaps right now, just little steps. 

1. I know I haven’t forgotten, Khoen. I remember you. I’ll always remember. And I’ll always love you, just as much as the day before and the day to come. You will always be my baby. I’ll see you again soon, my boy...💙

Mikah

To say things with Mikah have been a struggle lately would be an understatement. I love that little guy more than my heart can handle. But, he’s struggling, and it’s so hard to figure out just how to maneuver my way through this one.

Mikah has had impulse control issues for the past few years. Especially when he’s excited or around people he really likes. Maybe that’s typical for little boys, I’m honestly not sure. I’m sure to an extent it may be, but his can be excessive. He gets so excited, he just has to do something to let that energy out, and it’s usually not something good.

It’s always been the worst around my nephew, who is honestly one of the sweetest children on this earth. He doesn’t have a mean bone in his body, and he’s always been so good at playing with all 3 of my kids, even when they are fighting for his attention.

But when Mikah sees him, he usually somehow accidentally ends up either breaking something, or hurting someone, or just doing something that he absolutely knows is not ok. He just gets so incredibly excited just to be around him, and he wants his love and attention so badly that he feels like he has to take things to the extreme to gain it, even though he knows he doesn’t.

But, I’ve always gotten good reports from him at other places. School, church, sports teams, and when he did cubbies, his teachers or leaders have always complimented on how sweet and quiet and well behaved he is. (This has always been pretty opposite at home...he’s a good boy, but he’s just that....ALL boy!)

This year, he started a new school, which is much bigger than his school last year. For kindergarten, he was at McAdenville, and we absolutely loved it! He never got into any major trouble, and I always got positive reports for his behavior. He was in a K/1 class, so there were only 8 kindergartners total, and they were all friends, along with the first graders in the room as well. So the year went better than I could have dreamed.

We’ve only been in 1st grade at Bess for 3 weeks, and he’s causing some issues in his class. I know why, but I don’t know how to help. He found a little boy he really wants to be friends with, but something about this little boy makes him react the same way he does with my nephew. He gets overly excited, and can’t control those little impulses, and has to start talking when it’s not an appropriate time, or horsing around, which then gets him and the other child (sometimes multiple children) into trouble.

Yet he comes home and tells me all the time how much he loves school, and his class, and he really wants to be this little boys friend. I’ve tried to explain over and over that if he wants to be his friend, he can’t continue to get this little boy (or himself) into trouble. I don’t want him labeled the troublemaker, because he’s a really good, sweet child.

Of all 3 if my children who are sleeping peacefully right now, he has the absolute biggest heart. We will go to birthday parties where there is a piñata, and he will collect candy just to give it to the adults who didn’t get a turn to hit the piñata. And he will give away every single piece, and insist you take it, even if it’s his favorite candy in the world.

If you’re sad, he will run and hide and draw a picture, just to cheer you up, and deliver it with the biggest hug and two kisses, always, because he HAS to have both cheeks. He is my sweet, sweet little boy. And he is so, so good. I couldn’t love him more.

It’s so hard, too, because he has so many questions now that he’s older, and I feel like things he doesn’t even remember affect him in ways now that he doesn’t understand how to control. He tells me about the sets of twins he sees at his new school. Never really anything specific, just, “Mommy, I saw twins today at school. They were playing together.” Or, “I saw more twins today at school. They didn’t sit beside each other.” It’s like he’s noticing what being a twin means, and trying to figure out how it works, because he feels that connection but doesn’t have any experience with it. So he feels confused, and is just trying to comprehend it the best he can in his little 6 year old brain.

I also have the sweetest little set of twin boys in my class this year, and he is obsessed with asking questions about them, and seeing pictures, and knowing every detail about what they did, or how they painted their picture, or which crayons each of them chose to color with. He’s trying to figure it all out in his own way.

He never acts angry or sad, just curious right now.

But, I see it affecting him in other ways, too. Ways he doesn’t even see, just my mommy eyes do, and boy, my mommy heart sure feels it.

His sisters play with him so well most of the time, especially Kaisyn. Because they are so close in age, they are usually mischief partners, and definitely are outdoor buddies. They will play outside together until forced to come in and get cleaned up for bed. But when they are all 3 inside, the girls tend to navigate towards more girly things that’s he’s just not interested in, and he feels left out.

The girls played school tonight, and he tried so many times to join in. But siblings don’t always get along, no matter how much they love each other. And tonight, he just couldn’t seem to join in. So, he and I played games together, and that little booger kept purposely letting me win, even when I tried so hard to let him win. He always wants to make whoever he’s playing with feel special.

At bedtime, the girls both wanted to sleep on Makennas bed, even though they share a room anyways. They were talking about reading stories, and having fun, and Mikah wanted in on the action. So I tried to suggest a floor sleepover on a pallet, and make it sound fun for all 3. But, the girls were being dramatic little ladies, and didn’t want brother to come and spoil their “girls night”.

That’s when I feel it. That’s when my mommy heart just gets crushed. Because my sweet boy should be having a “boys night” with his twin brother, too. He should have a room mate to play with, and argue with, and dislike half the time, but to also be his absolute, very best friend.

Sometimes I think he gets those impulsive, excited spells because he wants so badly to fill a void he doesn’t even realize is there. And I get so frustrated, sometimes at him, but mostly FOR him, because he can’t act out in that way, but also because other children, and even other adults, can’t understand. They don’t see his little innocent heart like I do.

He wants that bond. I know he feels it. He just doesn’t understand it. I’ve said it in my blogs before, but when Mikah and Khoen first came home from the NICU, their favorite (and easiest) place to sleep was right up next to each other in one bouncer seat. Snuggled up close, and always touching. When Khoen died, Mikah cried a lot when going to sleep. I think he needed that comfort, but it was gone, and eventually he learned to comfort himself.

He’s told me before he knows Khoen is here. He’s never told me what that means, but I know he will one day, if and when he’s ready and wants to. I don’t push the subject for him, because I never want to make him uncomfortable. But I know his heart hurts, even if he doesn’t understand that’s what that feeling sometimes is.

He’s on the couch tonight, having the next best thing...a sleepover in the living room with daddy. And he’s happy, and went to sleep smiling, and his little heart is content.

But mine hurts for my baby. For both of my boys. I just wish I knew their bond. That I could physically see it, feel it, and watch it grow.

Grief is so strange. It’s always so unexpected. I’m not angry at Khoen, nor am I angry at God. While I don’t understand the reason why, I know that I will someday, and I have faith that I will see my other son again, in the arms of Jesus. Then I’ll get my answers and my understanding.

But I’m angry for my son, because I know what he’s missing. I know what should be. And as much as I try to fill the void, I know I never fully will.

I just pray he grows up knowing he is so, so loved, and he’s perfect to me. And I pray we get through this little spell of acting out, and he can learn the correct way to become friends with someone that he sees something so special in. He deserves all of the happiness in the world. 💙

October-SIDS Awareness Month

I'm not going to lie, I have struggled with seeing posts today about October being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. And it's not because I don't feel there should be a month dedicated to such, but I guess because it stirs emotions in me that I try to keep under the surface most days.

I had originally decided I wasn't going to post anything this month. Not in any way out of disrespect to Khoen or to any other families who have faced losses similar to mine, but because I didn't think I was strong enough to bring those emotions back to the surface at this time.

But then I realized the feelings were already there anyways, and it's such a common thing, and it deserves to be talked about. Khoen deserves to be talked about.

Five years, 4 months, and 2 days ago, I never imagined I'd ever know the pain of losing a child. I never thought I'd know the pain of miscarriage. Of course I worried about SIDS, I think every parent does to an extent. But I also never felt it could happen to me.

Makennas pregnancy had gone well, and she came at 37 weeks with no complications. I watched her sleep and breathe as a baby, and she made it through that "scary SIDS time frame" where you have to worry about this unknown crazy thing that can take your child away at any given moment.

Then I had Kaisyn. The pregnancy also went well, and she came at 37 weeks as well, with no complications. She did have a few issues after her birth, and has to spend some extra time in the hospital, but she was ok.

And then I had the twins. They came at 2 months early, and spent a few weeks in the NICN, but they were ok. Khoen was hospitalized less than 2 weeks before his death, but Makenna also was hospitalized as a baby for RSV, and that was scary but she came through fine and was ok after.

And while Khoen still had some issues with his soft spot after coming home, I never thought he could die. That just doesn't happen to my children, and not to me. There's just no way.

So when I left for Charleston with one of my best friends, her son, and my girls, just for a one night trip, I never imagined anything could happen to my sweet boys while I was gone. Call it naive, but how was I supposed to know?

But Khoen did die. On June 2, 2012, while I was hours away in Charleston. It was no ones fault. Autopsies ruled out everything. There was no reason. He was perfect. He was healthy. And then he was just gone.

A part of me died that day, too. So did a part of my family. Everything changed. Our entire family dynamic. My whole life.

I've never known that kind of pain. There are no words to adequately describe it. It makes you physically sick. It makes you unable to see color, unable to hear the world around you, unable to see what's right in front of you. It's terrifying.

It took weeks for me to even learn to take baby steps again. Not hours, not days, WEEKS. I didn't even face my other children at first. I couldn't.

My life slowly became the new normal that it would forever be. Yes, I've mentally gotten to a better place. I've learned things I never imagined I'd have to learn. I don't take life for granted. I hold my children closer. I love stronger and harder than I did before. But not all changes ended in a positive way.

I developed anxiety that is crippling at times. I started having panic attacks I never had before. I knew that things you think can't happen to you, CAN. And that was hard to swallow. It still is.

In 2014, I became pregnant again. I was both terrified and elated. I wanted that baby. I loved that baby. And as I've said in a previous blog, I started writing letters to that baby from the day those positive lines showed up.

Then in May, at only around 6 weeks pregnant, I started bleeding and cramping, and I knew it was bad. I was in so much pain, and I was SO sick, and I was miserable. A test of my HCG levels, then another 3 days later, showed exactly what I feared. I was miscarrying.

They gave me a pill to speed the process. The doctor called it the "abortion" pill. I'll never forget that. I didn't take it. I chose to wait it out, and suffer through what proved to be the second hardest obstacle of my life.

When I became pregnant, I didn't think I could miscarry. I mean, I had just lost a baby to SIDS. Plus, I had always had healthy pregnancies, why would this be different?

That's the thing. It doesn't discriminate, and it doesn't matter how many babies you've had, what race you are, how old you are, it can happen to anyone. And it's so much more common than people realize.

After my miscarriage, I found out so many people I know had been through that pain as well. It's heartbreaking.

Love your babies. Enjoy your pregnancies, even the worst days. Hug those little ones, even when their all day crying drives you loony. If you're blessed with multiples, don't complain about how it's so stressful and terrible. Just know you're so blessed, and don't take any bit of it for granted.

If you know someone who has lost a baby or gone through a miscarriage, love them. Pray for them. Just be there. Don't tell them "At least you have other children." Could you choose one of your children to just live without?

And if you are struggling with loss, be it a baby you never got to meet or one you only held in your arms for a short time, please know you aren't alone. I'm praying for you. I'm thinking of you. And not only you, but your sweet babies as well. They will never be forgotten.

I'll always love you, Khoen Lee, and the baby I never got to hold. Always. I'll never allow you to be forgotten. I'll always be a mom to twins. And I can't wait see you again in Heaven.

My Sweet Mak

I have so much on my mind tonight. I should be trying to get some sleep, but I can't stop the wheels in my head from turning.

It's hard when your kids are having issues. It's harder when you have no clue how to help. Being a mom can be so tricky, because we are always second guessing ourselves and wondering if we are totally screwing up or getting at least a few things right.

It's been a rough start to the school year for Makenna. She doesn't want the world to know what she's struggled with the past few weeks, so I won't go into detail. Those who know her best and who she was comfortable with me telling already know anyways. But she's had a hard few weeks.

She missed a day the first week of school, and we tried not to stress it, even though we knew it was way too early for an absence. She was written out by the doctor anyways.

We were back at the doctor twice the next week, and she was written out for 3 more days after Labor Day, while we did all we could to get her feeling better, and get rid of the yuck. And by that Friday, she was able to go back to school, and though she wasn't 100%, she was doing pretty well.

She's had a hard time with her best friend from last year moving away, too. Being homeschooled from kindergarten until 3rd grade, she had friends, but they have always really been the children of my friends, and they are some awesome kids. She adores them.

But when she went into Hawks Nest, she became friends with Gaby on the first day she was there, which was already 2 weeks into the school year. It just continued from there.

They had play dates and sleepovers, and she would spend all day with her, just to come home and FaceTime her until she had to go to bed. And they still face time, just not quite as often, since we are back in the school & early bedtime routine, and both girls are trying to figure out their new normals.

So she's been sick, and she feels like she lost her best friend, and she's just been a little sad.

Last Tuesday, we had to make an emergency trip to the orthodontist one morning before school, because she knocked a bracket off her braces the night before. And she seemed fine at that appointment, but when we got to school after that, she had a panic attack out of nowhere over me leaving her there. It was heartbreaking for me as her mom to watch. I had already signed her in, and a sweet teacher who actually had been at my school back when I was in elementary school took her, and told me to go ahead and go, and she would get Makenna calmed down and into class.

When you're child is a baby, and they cry for you when you leave, it hurts and it's so hard. When they are 9, and fully aware of how they feel, and you have to leave them crying, it's an absolutely horrible feeling.

I'm a preschool teacher, and I know from my kids at school that 9 times out of 10, VERY soon after the parent leaves, the child is 100% ok, and is able to have a great day. And the teacher who took Makenna that morning had assured me if she didn't get ok, she would call me, so I knew she was in good hands. But it hurt so much to drive away.

I never got a call, and she was perfectly fine that afternoon. She had recovered super fast, and said she had no clue why she felt that way, and that she was ok.

Starting the next day, I've been getting phone calls daily from her school because of a new issue she's dealing with. It was as simple as taking her medicine last week, but today, I got 5 phone calls, and finally had to go and get her out just a little before dismissal.

My feelings are torn. I know she's at an age where she knows she can pull strings and get away with certain things, and don't get me wrong...she's a very smart and tricky little girl! But, I know her better than anyone else in this world does. And in my heart, I truly don't believe she is making it up.

She just hasn't been herself lately. I can't decide if it's just her growing up and changing from the happy, smiley, always energetic little sweetheart she has always been into a slower paced, less smiley, wants to be alone in her room more often pre-teen...or if there's just something else going on that we haven't figured out yet. But I can assure you one thing: I won't rest until I know for sure.

She's the one who made me a mom. She's the one who got me through some of the hardest times of my life. She's kept me going when I didn't think I could. She's wiped my tears and held me, just as I've done countless times for her. She is truly one of the greatest gifts that God has ever given to me.

So tomorrow, I will take the little 2 to school since their school starts earlier, and pick them back up a little after 9 so that all 3 can go to the dentist. Then I'll take them back to school, and take my sweet girl to the doctor, to see if we can once again figure out just what is going on.

Her well check is next Wednesday, and I had originally hoped to wait until then to have her checked out. But after today, and talking to the doctors office, it's best that she's seen tomorrow, so that's what we will do.

This little girl and her math-centered super brain are going to change the world someday. And I can't wait to sit back and watch it happen. All this will be a distant memory then, and we absolutely won't let a rocky start to 4th grade hold her back.

Her middle name is Faith for a reason...<3

A New School Year...

A week from today, I'll be tucking my girls into bed early for their first day of school. Mikah, as a kindergartner, gets an extra 2 and a half days with mommy, but my big 4th and 1st graders will be off to make new friends and memories, and tonight, my momma heart feels really sad. 

I'm so excited for the kids. Makenna got the teacher she prayed for, and is over the moon to have one of her best friends from 3rd grade in her class again this year. She can't wait for school to start back, but I am still in denial that my baby girl only has this year and next in elementary school, and I can't yet talk about where she goes from there without tears. 

And this year, with Kaisyn and Mikah going into school as well, it will be my first year not homeschooling the kids, and that's where the momma heartache comes in right now. Last year was tough enough sending my biggest girl into school...this year, I've got to wave goodbye to 3 big kids as they walk through those doors. 

I am going to miss homeschooling and having that time with the kids more than my heart can express. It was such a special gift, and such a blessing, and those memories will be forever cherished in my heart. There were many thoughts that went into making the decision to put all 3 into school, and it wasn't easy. 

Makenna is such a social little sweetheart. She makes friends with anyone and everyone, and she never meets a stranger. She thrives off of having friends, and when she was presented the opportunity to attend Hawks Nest last year, although it was hard to let go of that time with her, I knew it was right. It was a blessing, and she absolutely loved it. I'm so thankful now for the decision we made then. 

Kaisyn is a bit different. She has her struggles, but is truly the sweetest, most gentle hearted child I've ever met. Her battles are within herself, and she is working through them in counseling. Her counselor and I have had many conversations about where her anxiety and attachment issues come from, and both feel it has to do with losing Khoen when she was so young, and our lives changing so drastically, so quickly. 

You may think she was too young to be affected...she was only barely over 14 months old when he died. Just a baby herself. 

Kaisyn was her daddy's sidekick as a baby most of the time, because I became pregnant with the twins when she was only a little over 3 months old. Totally unplanned and unexpected, but entirely worth it. Once I get as further along, it was harder holding her and caring for her, so Dustin did an amazing job being daddy. 

But from the time Kaisyn was around 8 months old, she did NOT like crowds, or family get togethers, or really being somewhere away from home with other people in general. We would go to family parties, and she would scream and scream, and Dustin or I one would have to sit outside or in a separate room with her and play Baby Einstein movies on our phone just to calm her down. We would leave her with others to run an errand, and get a call within 20 minutes that she absolutely wouldn't calm down, and have to go pick her back up. 

She got a little better as she got closer to her first birthday, because she started to understand that even though there were other people around, she could still stay with Dustin or I, and be content as long as no one touched her. Some things never change I guess, because if you know my girl, you know she's very picky still about being touched! 

So imagine being a baby who was already overly scared of unknown situations and people, who suddenly had 2 little brothers who changed everything she knew about our family dynamic, and learning to adjust to that. Then, only 4 months later, one of those babies dying...and though she had NO clue what that meant or what had happened, I know she, just like Mikah, felt the loss. But more specifically, she felt the change that occurred.

Happy days of being home with mommy, sissy, and her brothers, turned into spending weeks at pa and nanoos house, while mommy constantly cried and couldn't be around, and daddy was quiet and needed his space as well. Social workers coming in and out and not having a clue who they were or why they kept coming. 

We survived, and we are over 5 years down that road now. But she has some anxieties that she is still learning to work through. She's so excited for school, and keeps saying she can't wait to find her friends. My prayer for her is that she will dig deep down inside to the bravery and strength we've been trying to build up within her, so she will have the courage to speak to the other kids, and show them just what a sweet and incredible little girl she is. 

She doesn't know I'm fearful, she only knows of my excitement for her. But I'm her mama bear, and she's my girl, and when she gets scared there's just no one else she wants. So I pray her counseling and her repetitive words to herself will be remembered in those scary (to her) situations at school, and she will thrive. Oh, but I'll miss those sweet and consistent hugs while we did kindergarten last year. 


And my little Mikah. Is it sad that just typing that made the tears flow? 

It's not even just that he's my baby, although that's incredibly hard as well. He's had so many firsts without Khoen, and each time I had my little cry to myself, and felt the loss, and thought of what could have been...what should have been. But I haven't yet felt a loss quite like this. 

He's starting school. He's told me he's nervous to find a friend. And he's told me more than once he wishes Khoen was here so he would have a friend on his first day. Oh how I wish that too, my sweet boy. 

I find myself looking online or in stores at backpacks and wondering if he would have chosen to match Mikah, or if he would have wanted something different. Would he be goofy and loud like Mikah and Makenna, or quiet and shy like Kaisyn? My heart still feels he would have been more like Kaisyn, and been the calm to what can be quite the Mikah storm. 

I miss him. My heart hurts for him. It hurts for the should have beens. I debated on even sharing my letter I wrote to him, but I'm going to, because I know I'm not the only mom hurting during this back to school season. 

Dear Khoen, 

I hope you know I didn't forget you. Not once. Not during the backpack hunting. Not during the clothes and shoe shopping. You were on my mind every single time. 

I saw shirts that just made me think of you. Some I bought for your brother, but some I just couldn't, because it hurt too much. Then I always wonder if that makes you more sad, and if I'm doing right by you with all of the decisions I make. It's hard. I just miss you. 

I sat and watched the ocean the other day, and just listened to the waves. Somehow I was listening for you. I just kept praying I'd hear you. That I would somehow feel you. And I know you were there.

I find myself again just searching everywhere for signs from you. Signs that I've made you proud. I hear your sisters and brothers tell me they love me. They make me the sweetest and most beautiful cards that tell me I'm the best mom ever, but I always somehow find myself searching for your name scribbled on the bottom. 

I always wonder if I showed you enough in your 4 months just how special you were to me. Just how much I loved you. As a mom, you think you'll have a lifetime to show that to your child. I never imagined my time with you would be so limited. 

There were bunk beds in the basement at the beach, plus a trundle bed and a pull out couch bed. There was so much room. I thought of you. I know you would have loved it. 

We found sand dollars and I thought of you. I saw your big sisters and your brother and your cousins, and how excited they all were. I wish I could have seen your excitement too, but I know you were watching. 

My heart wonders if you miss me like I miss you. I know the answer. I know that I'll be with you someday, and it will be like we were never apart. But getting to that day is painful, Khoen, because I miss you. I miss saying your name. I miss hearing it. 

I talked the other day about the trip I took your sisters on to Charleston, the day before you died. I was telling about how Kaisyn loved the ocean and just wanted to crawl off into it, and for the first time since that trip, I didn't cry when I thought of it. I actually smiled. And I felt the same tug on my heart. And I have to believe it was you telling me it's ok to remember being happy that day. June 1, 2012. That day was a happy day. Your sisters were happy. I was happy. Your daddy was happy. Mikah was happy. You were happy. None of us knew. 

Sometimes I wonder if you knew. I'll always be sorry that I left you. I'll always feel guilty for not being here for your dad and your brother. 

But I'll never, ever forget you. Not for a second. 

Sometimes I see things and your name just pops into my head, and I notice I'm smiling, and I can't figure out how. I know it has to be you. 

I hope you know how perfect you are. I get to tell your sisters everyday how beautiful they are, and your brother how incredible handsome he is. I hope you know I always mean that to you, too. 

Sometimes now I see dark brown hairs in your brothers blond head, and I wonder if maybe you two would have looked alike after all. He misses you so much, Khoen. I know he feels where you should be beside him, and maybe he still feels you there. Sometimes I wish I knew just what his little heart did feel, and yours. 

Sometimes I wonder if you see me being happy with your siblings and feel like I'm leaving you out. But I never forget you. I always wish you were with us, too. 

I want you to know I haven't forgotten you're a kindergartner this year, too. That's huge. My twins, my boys, are 5 years old. Time has flown so quickly. But I hope you always know I love you both just the same. 

Because of you, your brother and sisters get extra hugs and kisses every single day. I look at them with a new set of eyes, because you taught me that being a mom means loving on through heart ache and through grief and through tears, and not taking a single moment for granted. Even if it's just singing and being silly to make shower time more fun, they get that because of you. 

Be with your brother on his first day in kindergarten. Help him find his friend. And help your sister out, too, and remind her that she's braver than she realizes. And I know you're always with your biggest sissy, because she lets me know. Thank you for that. 

I'm so thankful for you, Khoen. I'm so incredibly glad that I have the privilege to call you my son. And I love you more than all of the words in this world can express. I miss you, and I never forget you, not during any single day that goes by. 

I'll love you forever, and I'll keep looking for your little signs until the day I see you again, and can once again hold you in my arms. 

Love Always, 
Mommy

This year is going to be a whole new experience. I have to let go of my little ones a bit, and help them experience the world in a new way. But my heart is also happy because I get to love on a class of 1-2 year olds during the days. They will be my little mini "homeschoolers", just in a preschool! And their parents don't even know it, but they each will help heal my heart a little more, too, and I am incredibly thankful to be able to spend that time occupying my mind and my heart by teaching those sweet little ones, and loving on them while they are in my care. 

I know in my heart that as scary as change seems sometimes, it can be totally worth it. And I can't wait to see where this adventure takes us. Just pray for my mommy heart as we get there. 💕