To say things with Mikah have been a struggle lately would be an understatement. I love that little guy more than my heart can handle. But, he’s struggling, and it’s so hard to figure out just how to maneuver my way through this one.
Mikah has had impulse control issues for the past few years. Especially when he’s excited or around people he really likes. Maybe that’s typical for little boys, I’m honestly not sure. I’m sure to an extent it may be, but his can be excessive. He gets so excited, he just has to do something to let that energy out, and it’s usually not something good.
It’s always been the worst around my nephew, who is honestly one of the sweetest children on this earth. He doesn’t have a mean bone in his body, and he’s always been so good at playing with all 3 of my kids, even when they are fighting for his attention.
But when Mikah sees him, he usually somehow accidentally ends up either breaking something, or hurting someone, or just doing something that he absolutely knows is not ok. He just gets so incredibly excited just to be around him, and he wants his love and attention so badly that he feels like he has to take things to the extreme to gain it, even though he knows he doesn’t.
But, I’ve always gotten good reports from him at other places. School, church, sports teams, and when he did cubbies, his teachers or leaders have always complimented on how sweet and quiet and well behaved he is. (This has always been pretty opposite at home...he’s a good boy, but he’s just that....ALL boy!)
This year, he started a new school, which is much bigger than his school last year. For kindergarten, he was at McAdenville, and we absolutely loved it! He never got into any major trouble, and I always got positive reports for his behavior. He was in a K/1 class, so there were only 8 kindergartners total, and they were all friends, along with the first graders in the room as well. So the year went better than I could have dreamed.
We’ve only been in 1st grade at Bess for 3 weeks, and he’s causing some issues in his class. I know why, but I don’t know how to help. He found a little boy he really wants to be friends with, but something about this little boy makes him react the same way he does with my nephew. He gets overly excited, and can’t control those little impulses, and has to start talking when it’s not an appropriate time, or horsing around, which then gets him and the other child (sometimes multiple children) into trouble.
Yet he comes home and tells me all the time how much he loves school, and his class, and he really wants to be this little boys friend. I’ve tried to explain over and over that if he wants to be his friend, he can’t continue to get this little boy (or himself) into trouble. I don’t want him labeled the troublemaker, because he’s a really good, sweet child.
Of all 3 if my children who are sleeping peacefully right now, he has the absolute biggest heart. We will go to birthday parties where there is a piñata, and he will collect candy just to give it to the adults who didn’t get a turn to hit the piñata. And he will give away every single piece, and insist you take it, even if it’s his favorite candy in the world.
If you’re sad, he will run and hide and draw a picture, just to cheer you up, and deliver it with the biggest hug and two kisses, always, because he HAS to have both cheeks. He is my sweet, sweet little boy. And he is so, so good. I couldn’t love him more.
It’s so hard, too, because he has so many questions now that he’s older, and I feel like things he doesn’t even remember affect him in ways now that he doesn’t understand how to control. He tells me about the sets of twins he sees at his new school. Never really anything specific, just, “Mommy, I saw twins today at school. They were playing together.” Or, “I saw more twins today at school. They didn’t sit beside each other.” It’s like he’s noticing what being a twin means, and trying to figure out how it works, because he feels that connection but doesn’t have any experience with it. So he feels confused, and is just trying to comprehend it the best he can in his little 6 year old brain.
I also have the sweetest little set of twin boys in my class this year, and he is obsessed with asking questions about them, and seeing pictures, and knowing every detail about what they did, or how they painted their picture, or which crayons each of them chose to color with. He’s trying to figure it all out in his own way.
He never acts angry or sad, just curious right now.
But, I see it affecting him in other ways, too. Ways he doesn’t even see, just my mommy eyes do, and boy, my mommy heart sure feels it.
His sisters play with him so well most of the time, especially Kaisyn. Because they are so close in age, they are usually mischief partners, and definitely are outdoor buddies. They will play outside together until forced to come in and get cleaned up for bed. But when they are all 3 inside, the girls tend to navigate towards more girly things that’s he’s just not interested in, and he feels left out.
The girls played school tonight, and he tried so many times to join in. But siblings don’t always get along, no matter how much they love each other. And tonight, he just couldn’t seem to join in. So, he and I played games together, and that little booger kept purposely letting me win, even when I tried so hard to let him win. He always wants to make whoever he’s playing with feel special.
At bedtime, the girls both wanted to sleep on Makennas bed, even though they share a room anyways. They were talking about reading stories, and having fun, and Mikah wanted in on the action. So I tried to suggest a floor sleepover on a pallet, and make it sound fun for all 3. But, the girls were being dramatic little ladies, and didn’t want brother to come and spoil their “girls night”.
That’s when I feel it. That’s when my mommy heart just gets crushed. Because my sweet boy should be having a “boys night” with his twin brother, too. He should have a room mate to play with, and argue with, and dislike half the time, but to also be his absolute, very best friend.
Sometimes I think he gets those impulsive, excited spells because he wants so badly to fill a void he doesn’t even realize is there. And I get so frustrated, sometimes at him, but mostly FOR him, because he can’t act out in that way, but also because other children, and even other adults, can’t understand. They don’t see his little innocent heart like I do.
He wants that bond. I know he feels it. He just doesn’t understand it. I’ve said it in my blogs before, but when Mikah and Khoen first came home from the NICU, their favorite (and easiest) place to sleep was right up next to each other in one bouncer seat. Snuggled up close, and always touching. When Khoen died, Mikah cried a lot when going to sleep. I think he needed that comfort, but it was gone, and eventually he learned to comfort himself.
He’s told me before he knows Khoen is here. He’s never told me what that means, but I know he will one day, if and when he’s ready and wants to. I don’t push the subject for him, because I never want to make him uncomfortable. But I know his heart hurts, even if he doesn’t understand that’s what that feeling sometimes is.
He’s on the couch tonight, having the next best thing...a sleepover in the living room with daddy. And he’s happy, and went to sleep smiling, and his little heart is content.
But mine hurts for my baby. For both of my boys. I just wish I knew their bond. That I could physically see it, feel it, and watch it grow.
Grief is so strange. It’s always so unexpected. I’m not angry at Khoen, nor am I angry at God. While I don’t understand the reason why, I know that I will someday, and I have faith that I will see my other son again, in the arms of Jesus. Then I’ll get my answers and my understanding.
But I’m angry for my son, because I know what he’s missing. I know what should be. And as much as I try to fill the void, I know I never fully will.
I just pray he grows up knowing he is so, so loved, and he’s perfect to me. And I pray we get through this little spell of acting out, and he can learn the correct way to become friends with someone that he sees something so special in. He deserves all of the happiness in the world. 💙
