A week from today, I'll be tucking my girls into bed early for their first day of school. Mikah, as a kindergartner, gets an extra 2 and a half days with mommy, but my big 4th and 1st graders will be off to make new friends and memories, and tonight, my momma heart feels really sad.
I'm so excited for the kids. Makenna got the teacher she prayed for, and is over the moon to have one of her best friends from 3rd grade in her class again this year. She can't wait for school to start back, but I am still in denial that my baby girl only has this year and next in elementary school, and I can't yet talk about where she goes from there without tears.
And this year, with Kaisyn and Mikah going into school as well, it will be my first year not homeschooling the kids, and that's where the momma heartache comes in right now. Last year was tough enough sending my biggest girl into school...this year, I've got to wave goodbye to 3 big kids as they walk through those doors.
I am going to miss homeschooling and having that time with the kids more than my heart can express. It was such a special gift, and such a blessing, and those memories will be forever cherished in my heart. There were many thoughts that went into making the decision to put all 3 into school, and it wasn't easy.
Makenna is such a social little sweetheart. She makes friends with anyone and everyone, and she never meets a stranger. She thrives off of having friends, and when she was presented the opportunity to attend Hawks Nest last year, although it was hard to let go of that time with her, I knew it was right. It was a blessing, and she absolutely loved it. I'm so thankful now for the decision we made then.
Kaisyn is a bit different. She has her struggles, but is truly the sweetest, most gentle hearted child I've ever met. Her battles are within herself, and she is working through them in counseling. Her counselor and I have had many conversations about where her anxiety and attachment issues come from, and both feel it has to do with losing Khoen when she was so young, and our lives changing so drastically, so quickly.
You may think she was too young to be affected...she was only barely over 14 months old when he died. Just a baby herself.
Kaisyn was her daddy's sidekick as a baby most of the time, because I became pregnant with the twins when she was only a little over 3 months old. Totally unplanned and unexpected, but entirely worth it. Once I get as further along, it was harder holding her and caring for her, so Dustin did an amazing job being daddy.
But from the time Kaisyn was around 8 months old, she did NOT like crowds, or family get togethers, or really being somewhere away from home with other people in general. We would go to family parties, and she would scream and scream, and Dustin or I one would have to sit outside or in a separate room with her and play Baby Einstein movies on our phone just to calm her down. We would leave her with others to run an errand, and get a call within 20 minutes that she absolutely wouldn't calm down, and have to go pick her back up.
She got a little better as she got closer to her first birthday, because she started to understand that even though there were other people around, she could still stay with Dustin or I, and be content as long as no one touched her. Some things never change I guess, because if you know my girl, you know she's very picky still about being touched!
So imagine being a baby who was already overly scared of unknown situations and people, who suddenly had 2 little brothers who changed everything she knew about our family dynamic, and learning to adjust to that. Then, only 4 months later, one of those babies dying...and though she had NO clue what that meant or what had happened, I know she, just like Mikah, felt the loss. But more specifically, she felt the change that occurred.
Happy days of being home with mommy, sissy, and her brothers, turned into spending weeks at pa and nanoos house, while mommy constantly cried and couldn't be around, and daddy was quiet and needed his space as well. Social workers coming in and out and not having a clue who they were or why they kept coming.
We survived, and we are over 5 years down that road now. But she has some anxieties that she is still learning to work through. She's so excited for school, and keeps saying she can't wait to find her friends. My prayer for her is that she will dig deep down inside to the bravery and strength we've been trying to build up within her, so she will have the courage to speak to the other kids, and show them just what a sweet and incredible little girl she is.
She doesn't know I'm fearful, she only knows of my excitement for her. But I'm her mama bear, and she's my girl, and when she gets scared there's just no one else she wants. So I pray her counseling and her repetitive words to herself will be remembered in those scary (to her) situations at school, and she will thrive. Oh, but I'll miss those sweet and consistent hugs while we did kindergarten last year.
And my little Mikah. Is it sad that just typing that made the tears flow?
It's not even just that he's my baby, although that's incredibly hard as well. He's had so many firsts without Khoen, and each time I had my little cry to myself, and felt the loss, and thought of what could have been...what should have been. But I haven't yet felt a loss quite like this.
He's starting school. He's told me he's nervous to find a friend. And he's told me more than once he wishes Khoen was here so he would have a friend on his first day. Oh how I wish that too, my sweet boy.
I find myself looking online or in stores at backpacks and wondering if he would have chosen to match Mikah, or if he would have wanted something different. Would he be goofy and loud like Mikah and Makenna, or quiet and shy like Kaisyn? My heart still feels he would have been more like Kaisyn, and been the calm to what can be quite the Mikah storm.
I miss him. My heart hurts for him. It hurts for the should have beens. I debated on even sharing my letter I wrote to him, but I'm going to, because I know I'm not the only mom hurting during this back to school season.
Dear Khoen,
I hope you know I didn't forget you. Not once. Not during the backpack hunting. Not during the clothes and shoe shopping. You were on my mind every single time.
I saw shirts that just made me think of you. Some I bought for your brother, but some I just couldn't, because it hurt too much. Then I always wonder if that makes you more sad, and if I'm doing right by you with all of the decisions I make. It's hard. I just miss you.
I sat and watched the ocean the other day, and just listened to the waves. Somehow I was listening for you. I just kept praying I'd hear you. That I would somehow feel you. And I know you were there.
I find myself again just searching everywhere for signs from you. Signs that I've made you proud. I hear your sisters and brothers tell me they love me. They make me the sweetest and most beautiful cards that tell me I'm the best mom ever, but I always somehow find myself searching for your name scribbled on the bottom.
I always wonder if I showed you enough in your 4 months just how special you were to me. Just how much I loved you. As a mom, you think you'll have a lifetime to show that to your child. I never imagined my time with you would be so limited.
There were bunk beds in the basement at the beach, plus a trundle bed and a pull out couch bed. There was so much room. I thought of you. I know you would have loved it.
We found sand dollars and I thought of you. I saw your big sisters and your brother and your cousins, and how excited they all were. I wish I could have seen your excitement too, but I know you were watching.
My heart wonders if you miss me like I miss you. I know the answer. I know that I'll be with you someday, and it will be like we were never apart. But getting to that day is painful, Khoen, because I miss you. I miss saying your name. I miss hearing it.
I talked the other day about the trip I took your sisters on to Charleston, the day before you died. I was telling about how Kaisyn loved the ocean and just wanted to crawl off into it, and for the first time since that trip, I didn't cry when I thought of it. I actually smiled. And I felt the same tug on my heart. And I have to believe it was you telling me it's ok to remember being happy that day. June 1, 2012. That day was a happy day. Your sisters were happy. I was happy. Your daddy was happy. Mikah was happy. You were happy. None of us knew.
Sometimes I wonder if you knew. I'll always be sorry that I left you. I'll always feel guilty for not being here for your dad and your brother.
But I'll never, ever forget you. Not for a second.
Sometimes I see things and your name just pops into my head, and I notice I'm smiling, and I can't figure out how. I know it has to be you.
I hope you know how perfect you are. I get to tell your sisters everyday how beautiful they are, and your brother how incredible handsome he is. I hope you know I always mean that to you, too.
Sometimes now I see dark brown hairs in your brothers blond head, and I wonder if maybe you two would have looked alike after all. He misses you so much, Khoen. I know he feels where you should be beside him, and maybe he still feels you there. Sometimes I wish I knew just what his little heart did feel, and yours.
Sometimes I wonder if you see me being happy with your siblings and feel like I'm leaving you out. But I never forget you. I always wish you were with us, too.
I want you to know I haven't forgotten you're a kindergartner this year, too. That's huge. My twins, my boys, are 5 years old. Time has flown so quickly. But I hope you always know I love you both just the same.
Because of you, your brother and sisters get extra hugs and kisses every single day. I look at them with a new set of eyes, because you taught me that being a mom means loving on through heart ache and through grief and through tears, and not taking a single moment for granted. Even if it's just singing and being silly to make shower time more fun, they get that because of you.
Be with your brother on his first day in kindergarten. Help him find his friend. And help your sister out, too, and remind her that she's braver than she realizes. And I know you're always with your biggest sissy, because she lets me know. Thank you for that.
I'm so thankful for you, Khoen. I'm so incredibly glad that I have the privilege to call you my son. And I love you more than all of the words in this world can express. I miss you, and I never forget you, not during any single day that goes by.
I'll love you forever, and I'll keep looking for your little signs until the day I see you again, and can once again hold you in my arms.
Love Always,
Mommy
This year is going to be a whole new experience. I have to let go of my little ones a bit, and help them experience the world in a new way. But my heart is also happy because I get to love on a class of 1-2 year olds during the days. They will be my little mini "homeschoolers", just in a preschool! And their parents don't even know it, but they each will help heal my heart a little more, too, and I am incredibly thankful to be able to spend that time occupying my mind and my heart by teaching those sweet little ones, and loving on them while they are in my care.
I know in my heart that as scary as change seems sometimes, it can be totally worth it. And I can't wait to see where this adventure takes us. Just pray for my mommy heart as we get there. 💕
