I have days when life feels unbearable. I think anyone with anxiety probably does. The twins birthday...that was probably the worst I've had in YEARS.
I thought I was handling things well. I was ok the days leading up to February 7, cried a little the night before because I missed Khoen and just still can't believe they are FIVE.....but nothing too crazy. I was fine that morning when we all started our day. Spent a few hours with one of my best friends, and played with Kaisyn, Mikah, and the baby I babysit during the day.
Then, out of no where, I couldn't breathe. I don't mean just a little short of breath....I felt like something was sitting on my chest, and I was breathing through a straw, and it was terrifying. I tried to stand up and instantly thought I was going to pass out. So I called my lovely mother (she's always quick the the rescue, I'm so blessed to have her!) and she came to watch the kids and try to calm me down.
My chest hurt so badly that I honestly thought maybe I was having a heart attack. I called the babies grandmother, and she headed our way, too. Then, we called 911.
Long story short, that was apparently my first real, out-of-nowhere panic attack, and it was so scary! Once medicine kicked in to calm me down, I felt better, just sick and exhausted. But I learned that holding in my emotions obviously doesn't suit me well.
I thought I could be stronger this year for Mikah. But I don't think I'm ready to be supermom just yet. I would rather shed more tears on the hard days than hold it in and go through that again!
But man, I'm so lucky to have the incredible people and support system in my life that I do. From my family, to best friends who are like family, and extended family (like the sweet boy I babysit for...his family is extended family!), I am surrounded by absolutely incredible people!
Tonight I went to help one of my best friends pack some boxes and take them to their new house, closer to me I might add (yay!), and she gave me the sweetest gift! A bracelet, with an elephant because she knows me so well, that says "One of a kind" and "I'm so lucky to have you"....I loved it instantly, but once I got home and showed it off to my hubby and kiddos, it hit me how much it really meant to me. We've been friends now for over 10 years, and for a few of those years, she and her family lived in a different state. But, she was ALWAYS there. I called her on some of the hardest nights of my life, and she always just listened, and helped me through. I love her, and I am incredibly thankful for our friendship.
Then of course that bracelet made my heart think of how lucky I am. I've been through hell, and still wouldn't say I've come out on the other side completely. But I'm still standing, and that's because of all of the people who have helped me along the way.
I'm in many ways still not the person I want to be. I'm easy to take advantage of, because I don't like to tell people no, or hurt people. I hate making people angry. There are people who have made me feel used, and worthless, and invaluable. And that's ok.
It's ok because there are people who help me remember I'm worth something. My kids, every single day when they hug me and smile at me and want me to just sit and hold them. I sure will miss these times when they are older so I soak up as much of it as I can right now! My family, who is there when I can't seem to find my way out of the dark. And my best friends, when they tell me they are lucky to have me...because I often feel so, so lucky to have them, but it feels nice to know they feel the same about me!
So if you've ever listened to me, or helped me through a rough patch, or given me a hug when all I could do was cry, thank you. Sincerely. I may not always be the best at showing how thankful I am, but I really am. And I love you.
And Kristin, thank you. I'm the lucky one, trust me. I can't wait to see what shenanigans the future holds for our friendship! I love you! 💕
