Change. It's never been something I'm good at dealing with. I'm pretty certain that any person with anxiety can relate.
I try to be as go-with-it as I can, but it's never easy. And tomorrow is a day of change around here, so of course tonight is a struggle for me.
It's not necessarily a bad change. Dustin is starting a new job with a new company, and leaving a company he has enjoyed working for and that has treated him well since he started there. There are many pros to this new job, and he is happy, and that's what I want...the people I love to be happy. So it's a good thing.
But it changes my routine and that, of course, throws this anxious momma for a loop. Nothing huge, just a change from him working 2nd shift to 1st. In all reality, it will probably be a change that I love, because family dinners through the week can exist again, and I may possibly get some help on bath nights and with homework.
I just get comfortable in my ways, and anything that throws that off sets off alarms in my head that are hard to shut down.
Looking back, change has mostly always proven to be good to me.
Over 9 years ago (has it seriously been that long?!) was probably the biggest change for me. I went from being a carefree 20 year old who worked full time and supported myself, enjoyed all of life and thought I knew what love was.
Then, I found out I was pregnant with my precious Makenna. That changed everything. I was scared, and I was doubted, and I was hurt. I discovered I didn't know what love was yet after all. Until she was born, and I held her, and I knew every single ounce of pain, every tear shed, and every bit of change was completely 100% worth it. She was meant to be my little girl, and I was meant to be her mom.
Sure, it was out of the regular "order" of things in life, but it opened my eyes to things I had been so blind to before. She made me a better person, through and through. She was worth it, and she was my life.
Then there was Dustin. Another huge change. Someone from my past who unexpectedly came back into my life at the right time, but things weren't easy. Things were complicated. Life changed.
But from that change came Kaisyn. Spunky, looks just like her daddy, silly but such a sweetheart. She made me realize I could love another child like I loved Makenna. Before her, I thought I could never love anyone that much, ever again. But she proved me wrong, and showed me my heart was plenty big enough to love her just as much, and then have my love for both girls multiply, over and over again.
Life had changed. My friends had changed. I couldn't be so carefree anymore, so I didn't get to see my friends as much, and I shed tears. But then my girls would make me laugh and look at me with so much love, and I knew I was created specifically for them. To raise them, and teach them, and hold their hands as they grew. I was happy with my change.
Out of nowhere, when we expected it the least, we found out we were pregnant again. How?! I was on birth control...I had a 3.5 month old daughter...there was no way.
We went to crisis pregnancy center, and again, I was terrified. This was too much change. They did an ultrasound, and there they were....not one, but two babies. My twins. The twins I wrote stories about growing up, and pretended to have and to be when I played barbies as a kid. The twins I dreamed of but never thought could be reality. Reality smacked me in the face that day.
2012.
I lost my grandfather, had my twins 2 months early, then lost my grandmother, all in 6 weeks time. I grew up blessed with 4 of the most incredible grandparents you could ever picture. I mean ones every child wishes they had. My idea of perfect. And Grandmom was so excited for my boys, and I was crushed when she didn't get to meet them.
Change. So much had changed.
But still, I kept going, and was blessed, and found happiness, and thought life had finally decided to let me be.
And Khoen died, and that change cut me to the core, and I thought I'd never stand again.
Yet here I am, still standing, still living day by day. I don't know how, but I'm here, and everyday I manage to smile at something.
Those smiles are blessing from my other 3 children. They are what gets me through each and every day.
Life has changed so much, and yet my children are happy and healthy, and their little hearts are full of love. They know they are beautiful, and oh so loved.
There were other little changes along the way, too, that impacted my life in such positive ways. When Kaisyn was 2, I decided to put her in Bethesda UMCs children's program, and she did so much better than I could have imagined. We were blessed with the best teacher and administrator we could have had.
Financially, we couldn't keep her there at the time, another change that was hard to swallow at the time. But, had she never gone, I probably wouldn't have the opportunity to babysit the sweet little boy that I get to love on each week. I wouldn't have known that family, and now I can't imagine that, because that little boy is just another thing that makes me look forward to getting up each morning. He is such a blessing to our lives, and I'm so thankful his parents trust me to love him while they work.
So change hasn't always been bad, even when it seemed so at the time.
Tonight, since I was feeling anxious, I decided to look back at old pictures and videos of the kids, and it hit me yet again just how big they are getting. Those baby voices and chubby cheeks are gone, and I now have 2 smart, independent children who don't need me quite as much as they did yesterday. Each day, they can do just a little more without my hand to guide them. But I will hold on as long as I possibly can, and treasure each little moment and memory with them.
So as of tomorrow, I won't have Dustin here in the mornings. My safety blanket of knowing he is here will be gone, but he will be home for dinner, and I pray once my anxious mind realizes that, it will calm down and let me get some much needed rest.
I'm thankful for the opportunity to continue to homeschool Kaisyn, and for the friends who help me through the week when I need it to make that possible, and allow me to keep other children in my home as well. I'm thankful for friends who love my children and myself, even at our worst times.
I'm thankful for friends who will help me clean my house for hours, and reorganize over and over until it's how I want it.
I'm thankful for friends who will help me search for my phone for half an hour on a completely crazy day, and find it for me in the drawer with my kitchen utensils, since I decided to clean it up when I cleaned up from making lunch for 5 kids.
I'm thankful for my husband who does work hard so I can stay home, and who loves me even when I am being completely undeserving.
Those 3. Those 3 people, those 2 friends and my husband, they are my backbone. They help me through my crazy when I can't see my way out. I love them and am so blessed to have them.
My 4 children. They are my smiles, and my laughter, and my crazy. There aren't words to adequately express the amount of love I have for them. It's infinite.
My baby (I claim him as my baby, even if it's only part of the day Monday through Friday). He is my smile, and what makes me not dread Monday's quite so much. I just love him so much, and am so blessed.
And the twins I'm keeping now, and the friend who trusts me with them, they have kept me laughing and helped me through something I didn't think I could overcome. They are the twins who were born a year to the day from when Khoen and Mikah were born. Exact same birthdays, just a year apart. I was a bad friend to their mom after they were born, I admit that and I hate it. But it was so hard to face twins period, and I was scared to face them because I was scared it would hurt. Then, the opportunity to keep them was there, and there was no fear. Just change, and such a good one. They've made me realize I can face not just them, but any twins, and not completely fall apart. I'm thankful in a way words can't even explain.
So change isn't always bad. Sometimes hard, but sometimes for the best. So I'll try to quiet my anxious mind and my nervous heart, and pray for peace, and a smooth transition into a new routine. 💕
